Preferences and obsessions

[Drifterwood]

I have so many thoughts on this at the moment that I hope I can communicate them all properly - forgive me or rather cut me some slack if I don't.

We all have preferences. What is interesting me is at what point a preference either becomes an obsession or a deal breaker and how we deal with these in our relationships and attitudes to other people.

I'll lay my cards on the table.

I don't have strong preferences for looks or body type.

I do have preferences for sexual behaviour and attitude.

I do have a strong preference for a woman to have a well toned vagina that can accomodate me.

I am more attracted to a person's mind and attitudes to themselves and others than I am to their looks and body. The latter is due to my age and experience, I can't say that this was always true.

If I don't like someone's personality I am not attracted to them sexually, irrespective.

Therefore personality is a deal breaker for me, but I wouldn't call it an obsession. Maybe you disagree.

I have been on the receiving end of obsession. Once, she would have said it was love, I considered the results of those emotions to be obsessive, and ultimately dangerous and even somewhat frightening.

Two other times were with my penis. You may presume that this is everyman's dream, and you may well be right for some men. But my experiences were different. I think it is enough to say that it becomes boring. It is like there are three people in the relationship and you personally come way behind your penis.

I do not wish to judge people whose preferences become obsessive (maybe I did somewhat in another thread and I apologise if i did). The point I do wish to make and discuss is the effect on your behaviours and attitudes once you are obsessive and the effects that these can have on other people.

I could say more, but I will leave the floor open.

 

[lafever]

I have o.c.d and at times it can be a nightmare yet when it comes to sex i`m like a god. I`ve found that for everything good in life there must come a litttle rain.


lafever

 

[snoozan]

I've been thinking about this all morning since i read the thread when I woke up.

At first, I thought that I am so open-minded that I wouldn't outright reject someone on the basis of one preference or another, and that everyone deserves a chance no matter what. On further thought, I realized I do have some things that are no longer preferences but instead requirements. I'm going to concentrate mostly on what I expect from a long-term partner-- for a FWB, one-night stand, etc. a lot of these are either immaterial or not as important.

Sex:

I don't know that I'd like to be involved with someone who is not willing to perform cunnilingus. It's not so much that I need it to get off-- in my present relationship, it's something that is more of a treat than something we do every time, especially since we see fairly little of each other because of work obligations and we have a child and our sexual encounters are usually somewhat hurried. I am 100% willing, able, and eager to give men oral sex. It's something that makes your partner happy, and that's why it's so important to me. I get turned on by getting him turned on. I am not afraid of the cock. If a man isn't willing to perform cunnilingus, I wonder how much he's really interested in truly satisfying me and if he is able to love every aspect of the female anatomy.

Someone with a high sex drive who is very demanding about having frequent sex. I have a relatively low sex drive and always have. I don't have a problem with it, and I enjoy that when I have sex it's somewhat of a treat rather than a daily part of my routine. I am content to masturbate a few times a week and have sex 1-2 times a week. I don't think I could be happy in a relationship with someone who needed sex every day. It would ruin it for me and turn it into a chore. If said partner were willing to compromise, that might work, but I don't want to make my partner miserable because they want more sex than I am willing to give.

Physical characteristics:

Weight isn't that big of a deal for me as long as he carries it well and isn't extremely obese. Depending on his build, 275 pounds is about as high as I think I could go. I don't know for sure because I haven't been involved with anyone who is quite that heavy, and if he had a gorgeous face and smile, I might well reconsider.

General hygeine has to be good. I don't mind a guy that gets scruffy, and I don't need a man who is perfectly coiffed and all that. I don't think I could date someone with, say, advanced peridontal disease. Black teeth scare me. I could deal with dentures or implants, but not with black teeth. Showering regularly, wearing deodorant, having relatively clean clothing, and clean hair are important to me.

Personality etc:

A man has to be intelligent and educated. I don't have a specific IQ in mind, especially since I don't believe that IQ tests measure this elusive quality we call "smart" very well. Degrees, IQ points, etc. aren't important to me, but it is imperative that someone I am with has varied and extensive intellectual pusuits. I like my men to be well read-- it doesn't matter what, specifically his interests are. I want to be able to talk about things and also have him interested in enough in learning everything out there that he'll engage in discussions with me on things he (or both of us) know little about. A thirst for knowledge is essential to me.

He has to accept me for who I am and what I may become. I have some chronic illnesses, and if he can't handle me at my worst, I don't want him around. I don't need to be sick in bed for months and have that compounded by someone unwilling or unable to deal with it. I also expect him to not want to change me in other ways-- whether it be physical, my interests, how much I swear, etc. I've dated a few guys who wanted me to be a sweet little flower and really didn't like how brash and outspoken I am. I am who I am, and at this point, if you don't love exactly that, move on.

Echoing th OP, it's mostly about personality for me. I named those few things above, but there are so many others I could list that fall under the category of personality. Some aren't really quantifiable-- there just has to be some sort of chemistry between us. When it comes down to it, that's what ultimately gets me going.

He has to love kids, mine in particular. And dogs.

Income is a dicey one for me because of the work I do and having a child. My income is far from constant and I don't want to have to be relied upon as a primary breadwinner. I'm not at a point in my life or career where that's feasible, and, to be honest, I love what I do enough that I'd be loath to change it.

With all that said, who knows. My husband obviously meets all those criteria and I love him and I love our relationship. But they could change. The ones I've listed are ones that I believe are the least likely to ever change, but I'm not going to rule out the possibility.

 

[avantgarde]

Personality:
what it boils down to is completely about personality to me. High maintenance Women are a complete turn off.

There's something to be said about tact and persona. Being able to conduct yourself in public with tact and humility is a turn on. Snobbishness and haughty behavior typical of a high maintenance woman is unacceptable.

I've dated and fell for women who were as short as 4'11 and as tall as 6'4". Women who were on the larger side, and some who were thin. All shades and hues of the human race are open to me. Girly and Tomboy a like. What bought them my attention was their Charisma, their...air if that makes sense.

Found out through life experiences though, that the most confident seeming women were really the least confident of the bunch. so i switch from confidence, to acceptance. a woman who can accept who she is and one who can accept me for me is what's important to me now.

Humor is really important. The adaptability of her funny bone is a necessity. I dated a female and we had something of a language barrier and our little playful banter would get lost on each other. It was kind of a mood kill until she picked up on the tones, it then got interesting. If she's unable to actually pick up on what's going, then it could eventually be a deal breaker.

Body type:
This is quite open to me as well. That said, I have ventured out to actually see what's compatible to me. and a woman +350lbs is not compatible for me. I've tried it, and i realize that positions are limited due to both of our limits in flexibility, and my particular ability to get comfortable in the situation reduces as I realize i'm pretty limited in motions. even close to 300lbs is pushing it. Is it because i think it's gross? Not at all, it's just skin, who cares, it's that it's actually hard for me to move and hard for her to bend the way i want her to, i know from experience. if she's double jointed that might change the situation completely

Facial:
Smiles are big to me, i love a nice smile. I have a soft spot for a pretty smile, and that is something i look for. That said, it's not a deal breaker unless the circumstances are as Snoozan said. Black/green teeth are just not sexy, That's a reflection of personal hygiene.

I will have to say, a deal breaker for me is a high-maintenance woman. Someone who needs to look pretty everytime she steps out of the house. Spending 40 minutes to look good just to go get some gas in the car.

 

[viking1]

This is a very interesting thread. I must echo the sentiments of snoozan, and
avantgarde. They have just about the same view as I have.

 

[Craig1]

I don't know that I'd like to be involved with someone who is not willing to perform cunnilingus. It's not so much that I need it to get off-- in my present relationship, it's something that is more of a treat than something we do every time, especially since we see fairly little of each other because of work obligations and we have a child and our sexual encounters are usually somewhat hurried. I am 100% willing, able, and eager to give men oral sex. It's something that makes your partner happy, and that's why it's so important to me. I get turned on by getting him turned on. I am not afraid of the cock. If a man isn't willing to perform cunnilingus, I wonder how much he's really interested in truly satisfying me and if he is able to love every aspect of the female anatomy.

Someone with a high sex drive who is very demanding about having frequent sex. I have a relatively low sex drive and always have. I don't have a problem with it, and I enjoy that when I have sex it's somewhat of a treat rather than a daily part of my routine. I am content to masturbate a few times a week and have sex 1-2 times a week. I don't think I could be happy in a relationship with someone who needed sex every day. It would ruin it for me and turn it into a chore. If said partner were willing to compromise, that might work, but I don't want to make my partner miserable because they want more sex than I am willing to give.

Irony.

I only get to go down on my wife about once a year, and she'll only have sex about once a month. Low sex drive to you sounds like high sex drive to me, haha.

 

[Gillette]

The point I do wish to make and discuss is the effect on your behaviours and attitudes once you are obsessive and the effects that these can have on other people.

I'm going to illustrate my answer by way of two stories.

The summer following graduation was one of the most non-stop fun times I ever had. A large group of us were always at someones house watching movies, partying, going on trail rides and at least twice a week we went to the beach. The beach was an hours drive away and there would be two or three carloads of us. The cool albums out that year were Hysteria, The Kick Inside, the soundtrack to Cocktail and Vital Idol. We had the cassettes. One of the girls was obsessed with INXS, and why not? They were an excellent band and Michael Hutchins was just to die for. I still listen to them now from time to time.

Here's where the obsession affected behavior. She wanted to listen to it ALL the time. And she was insistent about it. She is a wonderful person but she would whine and wheedle until she got her way. If you were in the same car she was in you could be certain that was the only tape played. Most of us would wait until it was determined whose car she was riding in then, subtly, fight for a seat in one of the others. We liked INXS, too, but one cannot groove to "The Devil Inside" alone. "Flesh For Fantasy", "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and yes, "Don't Worry Be Happy" needed to be part of the mix as well.

I had my own obsession a few years earlier. Duran Duran. I had friends who also enjoyed the band but I had one friend who loved them as much as I did, possibly even more. We'd play the albums back to back, pore over the lyric sheets discussing the deeper meaning of it all. We'd race for the TV if there was a video by them, watching rapt if it was a new one. It was so bad that it was territorial. I wasn't allowed to like Simon LeBon, she picked him first. I ended up crushing on the rest of them, John for the cheeky playboy image, Nick for the serious way he spoke and the sexy voice (how can a man wearing so much makeup have such a rich voice?), Andy for his wild devil may care ways and Roger, the shy guy in the back (who just happened to need both hands to play with his instrument:wink
Bitch got the best one, Simon was all that rolled into one. Oh, well.

At any rate, I knew that with most of my friends D2 was just a really cool band and they were sooo cute, but with this one friend I could go gaga without her looking at me askance.

Obsession, when carried too far, can make a person seem one dimensional and alienate others who don't share that obsession. If that obsession is shared, you can make a happy connection.

Music may seem at first to be a poor example to use for obsession, but take a moment. Remember what teenage girls are like.

 

[Not_Punny]

Hmmmmm... for me, my obsession is conversation -- I have GOT to be able to talk and laugh. I'm terrified of ending up like one of those silent couples you see at restaurants, sharing little else but dinner.

Body type, I usually date people who are fit, but I don't mind a little padding on men. I really don't care about hair or lack of it, just so long as it's clean and not unkempt. I don't have preferences on color. Looks can be good looking or craggy, doesn't matter. What DOES matter is a sparkle in the eye, a quick wit, some style/flair, and great dental hygiene.

Sexually, it's something I can't define: chemistry. That certain something that makes me want to... well, never mind. I like "it" (the chemistry) to bring out the animal in me, because sex is so much more fun with a tiger than with a pet poodle.

That said, I'm moving to Washington state where they have special farms for animal lovers....

JUST KIDDING...

(I used the words tiger and pet poodle as metaphors... honest!) :biggrin1:

 

[snoozan]

I like "it" (the chemistry) to bring out the animal in me, because sex is so much more fun with a tiger than with a pet poodle.:biggrin1:

This is a good point that I didn't think of when I made my post. I've got to be able to banter and even fight with my partner. By nature I've got a relatively dominant personality, and I've never been in a relationship that really worked with someone more submissive than me. I've also noticed that in those relationships there's a certain level of resentment for being so strong-minded and strong-willed. Currently, my relationship with my husband works because there's always a playful sense of a power struggle-- it feels like a mental wrestling match. I enjoy it immensely, as does he. We have the ability to banter and play trying to one up one another without it turning into something negative-- and I think that's possible because we're both pretty equal when it comes to our levels of assertiveness and strength of personality. I can't be with someone that is submissive, it does nothing for me. The best way I can think of to describe it is the relationship between Elizabeth Bennett and Darcy in Pride and Prejudice.