Pressure to Find the ONE

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by zujmyhezk86, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. zujmyhezk86

    zujmyhezk86 New Member

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    I'm 24 years old and I'm going to turn 25 soon. My parent's being like typical parents are ready for me to settle down and for me to give them grandkids. Now I know that's how all parents are and for years I have brushed it off like any young guy does but I the reality is I want that for myself as well.

    I am ready to settle down. I have never been the fuck around type of guy preferring to build meaning relationships but since I broke up with the girl I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life and accepting the fact that she wasn't The One, I find myself feeling my parents pressure a bit more. The got married at young age and have an amazing marriage. I want that.

    Just thinking out loud I guess and wanted to see what you other folks thought.
     
  2. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    What do I think? FUCK what I think. You are responsible for finding your own bliss and following it and it's unfair for you to involve anyone else in defining what that is.

    And while we're on he suhject of he Western myth of romantic love - there is no 'THE ONE'. It's a fairy tale. Everything is a compromise, especially in your choice of a mate. It's up to you to decide how much of yourself you're going to give away, and nobody else can tell you where the balance poins are to make it work.

    My kids are your age,and I think i would be downright hateful of me to intrude in their affairs, especially in making decisions that will affect their happiness long after I'm gone. Tell your parents to fuck off.
     
  3. mattsrod7

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    feel like im in the same boat as you
     
  4. ggsitc

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    Do what is right for YOU. I have seen too many friends, cousins and coworkers more or less forced into relationships and marriages that didn't work out because their parents put pressure on them to settle down and give them grandchildren. I really detest parents who put that kind of pressure on people. They're not the ones having the relationship, marriange and most importantly, the kids. How terribly selfish to put that kind of pressure on your kids! I cringe every time I see a retired corworker who always harps anout his unmarried 20-something son whom he wants to "get married and settle down." I really hate that phrase.

    In my own case I am very lucky to have parents who have never put that kind of pressure on me and my mom lately has even admitted that at her age (mid 70s) she probably couldn't handle dealing with grandkids.

    Good luck, and do what is right for YOU, not your selfish parents.
     
  5. Phil Ayesho

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    This pressure from parents is not what most folks imagine it to be.
    Its not really the grandkids... its that they want to see you happy, and being far older, they have had enough experience to know that, if you do not find a suitable mate by a certain age, that your options begin to drastically narrow.

    Your parents watched as many of their high school and college peers, pursued other interests, or held on too long to the 'single' lifestyle, only to end up lonely, socially isolated, and adrift.

    To a certain degree, this perception of theirs is based upon their own inability to imagine that some people can simply be far happier without relationships, or without children....

    but often, it is the result of a keen understanding of their own child's character... my own son seems in no hurry to have kids... but I know him.... I know that he would greatly regret having a life without children.
    He is just too young to realize how quickly life is slipping by.


    WHile hick is being his usual cynical self... there is a certain truth in the idea that there is no magical "one"... although there are people who you will find wear on you in a few years time... and others you could share a home with for decades without any serious strife... but at 24, the likelihood that you are both self aware enough and perceptive enough of others to be able to positively identify that latter from the former is pretty low.

    I married young... some have said too young, but the 15 years I put into that ultimately doomed relationship did produce a lot of good things in my life... it got me focused on my career, and building a future, and it gave me my two fine sons, now grown and in their own marriages.

    I think the pressure you and many others put on yourself is this notion of being afraid to make a mistake... that the person you marry should last forever... and sure... we all want that to be the result.

    But even if you settle down with a woman who seems everything you could dream, and it ends in bitterness... that will not mean those years were not time well spent.

    What if your fate is to not meet "the one" until you, and she, are 50?

    If you knew that... would you wait and 'play the field" for the intervening 25 years?
    Or would you go ahead and marry a woman who wants you, knowing it would end, but that you might have 20 good years together and a family you will cherish till the day you die?

    My advice? Relax and travel the path that feels right. Marry if it comes up and you love her. Live your life as if the range of your choices were becoming narrower with each passing year... because they are.

    When you consider, that even if you were to find the love of you life... a relationship that would last... that even that perfection will be torn from you in the end- either by your death, or hers.... then you see that everything is temporary.

    Everything you value will be taken from you, either along the way, thru misfortune and heartbreak, or thru the grave.

    A broken heart is what you are signing up for, whenever you choose to love.

    Whether you have just one life long marriage... or fall in love and divorce 4 or 5 times in your life.... you will have taken hold of what life brought your way.

    There is no percentage in avoiding commitment.
    Time spent waiting is the only time we ever really waste.
     
  6. zdc00

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    Ha, already some great responses here, just thought I'd chime in with my thoughts...


    Well, I'm pretty much in the same position as you are (just an inch younger...) and have the exact same "pressure". Pressure in the grand sense, but then again, I do tend to think of things quite calmly and rationally and don't really give a damn about what other people think.
    You live for yourself because there's no one else more worth living for. That's a song lyric, so ten points to the person who names the song!

    Anyway, I have an older brother who once upon a time swore not to ever have kids, so the ball was thrown at me to have the dream of my parents come true - grandchildren. Time passed by and now he has two kids and that saved my ass big time. At the same time, if my only worth to my parents is the ability to produce another generation, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves.

    From a whole other point of view, the pressure in finding The One I can relate to is the emotional and personal pressure. I sort of know that there is someone out there who is looking for the exact same thing as I am. When we meet each other, it's the unequivocal happily ever after. Then comes the scientist in me that pounds some sense in to my head and tells me that this could happen with anyone at any time at any place. To put it bluntly, we get new chances while we lose old ones. It's just what we make to be of significance...
     
  7. jump_start

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    There are some good points made in this thread. I was in the same situation once with my own parents. From the time I left home at age 20, I was continually hounded by them until age 23 to find a nice girl, get married and have kids. It took my "coming out of the closet" to get them to finally back the hell off. It's never mentioned anymore, for obvious reasons.

    I can't speak from a parent's standpoint, as I have no kids. In my opinion, once you reach adulthood, are self sufficient and are self sustaining, parents cease to have the right to "know what is best for you". Sure, they have more time and experience on this earth than you do, but your life isn't on the same path as theirs, and you're from a different generation than they are. Times (and things) are different. Fact of the matter is, THEY AREN'T YOU. They may have raised you, provided for you, etc.. but you do NOT owe them a grandkid (or two), a wife, OR a marriage (and yes, there ARE parents out there who actually believe this. I know, as my parents are gold card members of that club). Only you know what's best for you, assuming you have the maturity to understand this, and I think you do.

    One last thing. Based on your post, I tend to wonder if your readiness to settle down is from the isolation and lonliness that comes with the aftermath of a failed relationship. I've been there, and in some ways I'm still there. However, you shouldn't move on to another relationship until you've purged all of the emotional baggage from you last relationship. It's not fair to the new person, and will ultimately cause the relationship to fail if you're trying to fill a void, rather than basing the relationship on mutual attraction, appreciation and genuine love for one another.
     
  8. Pitbull

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    Life does not end at 25.
    Biological clocks do not have their alarms set at 25.

    Forcing yourself into a relationship is not a good idea.
    Pressure from parents or from your own expectations of what you should be doing at this point in your life is not helping.

    When you finally find someone you want to form a permanent relationship with, it will be happy that your decision was made because of the strength of the relationship and not based on a desire to meet some age deadline.

    You have plenty of time.
     
  9. D_Hillary_Clitton

    D_Hillary_Clitton Account Disabled

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    Don't feel pressured and let people make you feel inadequate just because you prefer to wait awhile before jumping head first into 2 of the more important things in life(marriage/parenthood). I see so many people rush into these things with bad ending results. I am 27, not married, no kids, and although I hear my mom bitch about grandkids constantly, I'm thankful to not be one of my many friends who feels tied down with 2 or 3 kids at their hips and a husband/wife who they no longer love. The right girl will come to you and you will know when it feels right. My personal point of view is that it's best to feel comfortable in your own adult skin and be able to be fully financially responsible for both ideals of marriage and parenting before partaking in either. I know that is unromantic and very planny of me, but it really is the responsible way :)
     
  10. erratic

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    I don't think there's a "one" for everyone, but there is for me. We found each other when the time was right - and yes, I knew right away. If I had gone and bowed to social pressure I would probably have married a woman, eventually grown some kind of backbone and gotten a divorce. I would have fucked up both our lives.

    If I'd gotten married at 25 just because I felt the pressure, I would have married a guy who was good for me in a few ways, but bad for me in some very fundamental ways...and I would have missed meeting the love of my life by a few months. Had we met a few years earlier than we did, I wouldn't have been ready and would have fucked our relationship up - he might have been the one for me, but I wouldn't have been for him.

    My advice: Enjoy what is fantastic about your life while you have it. Keep planning for the future and keep working on your relationship skills, but amazing relationships happen when they're ready to happen. Forcing things is a bad idea.
     
  11. rob_just_rob

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    Good grief, 24? I had no idea about what I wanted at 24. Got married at 40. Marriage at 24 would have been a disaster.

    But that's me.
     
  12. Boondocksaints

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    You're way too young to get married.
     
  13. DavidXL

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    My parents started dating at 18, got married at 22, and I remember thinking I wanted to get married young and have the kind of happy marriage they had and feeling kind of bummed in my early and mid 20s that I wasn't married like they were. Now that I am in my 40s, I think how silly that sounds. I think 24 and 25 is too young to get married. I personally don't think men should get married until they are at least 30. It takes most of your 20s to figure out who you are, what you want, and to get some direction on your career.

    Enjoy this time in your life and don't worry about settling down. It will happen when it happens, and you will know when it is right - it is different for everyone (I was 29 when I met my wife, 31 when I got engaged, and married at 32. Everything felt right and fell into place when I feel it was meant to be). And, PS: that young, happy marriage of my parents that I wanted to emulate? At close to 50 years, it ain't so happy.

    Good luck to you - and don't be in a rush.
     
  14. upone

    upone New Member

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    Wow. Yeah, don't be in such a rush. And I agree completely with Hick--There is no magical perfect person. I could probably have made a successful marriage with at least 10% of the women I've slept with. There very best discussion on this topic was a clip on YouTube by Dan Savage titled, "How Do You Date After High School?" His advice for finding a life partner is simple: Go to a bar, get shitfaced, find somebody equally stoned, and take 'em home for a one-nighter until you find one that sticks. And remember: There is no settling down without settling for.
     
  15. helgaleena

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    Unless you are in a culture where the parents arrange your marriages for you, really you need to tune out the calls to satisfy your parents in this and do what is right in your own eyes.

    Career and ideology could conceivably take precedence in your values to reproduction.

    I for one was set against having a family until convinced otherwise most eloquently, and then biological urges took over. And I still think we have far too many humans. So resist if you can.
     
  16. EllieP

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    I was married and had a child at 18. The child is wonderful. The marriage didn't make it to her 2nd birthday.

    Hickboy said it first and said it right: it matters little what everyone else thinks. Twenty-four is when I reinvented myself. I was back in college pursuing my degree. Grandmum was babysitting, and I was doing the things I should have done six years earlier.

    Don't be afraid to arrange life to your convenience. Not everyone will go along, but find those who will and keep them close by.

    I didn't find "The One" until I was almost 30 years old.

    But there was a lot of frog-kissing before that. Now it's happily ever after.
     
  17. D_Cock_Hudson

    D_Cock_Hudson New Member

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    Parental pressure is not uncommon. Just don't rush as you may end up marrying and settling down with the wrong woman.
     
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