Priorities: Dating Vs. Clubbing In a Relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by belowaverage1, May 20, 2011.

  1. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    Do you consider it acceptable to be in a relationship with someone who hasn't gone on a date with you in a month (or even spent more than an hour or two talking to you) but has managed to go clubbing multiple times?
     
  2. Adrian69702006

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    It depends very much on the relationship and what you both want (or might want) from it. All relationships are unique and no two are alike. It's not the sort of thing about which I'd say there was any kind of fixed rule. What I would say that's key to the success of all relationships, is that there has to be trust. Without that, no relationship's going to get far.
     
  3. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    I had wanted someone to spend time with me.

    He was highly busy, which was something I understood upon entering the relationship, but after freeing up multiple weekends and letting him know in advanced that I'd like to spend time with him he kept opting to go clubbing instead. It's not a problem that he went clubbing, nor was the frequency, but he flat out told me that he was too busy to text me while he was out clubbing. Too busy during school okay, work okay...and clubbing...not so okay.

    I don't think waiting over 20 hours for a response and never getting one is alright either. I found that to be more him ignoring me.

    Trust - I trusted him during the relationship. Trust is very important, and things will fall apart without it. I believe he feels like I didn't trust him though, which probably lead to him ignoring me.
     
  4. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    This doesn't make sense to me. Why not just TALK to him to find out his motivations. When you know his feelings one way or another, then make your decision. It's hard to guess about another person's trust.
     
  5. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    The issue of trust was brought up, as was the want to sit down and discuss things since the relationship was obviously deteriorating.

    I gave him over a week to talk to me about these issues. He couldn't make the time for it, answer my phone calls, respond to my texts, voicemails, or messages about it. I let him know (in advance) that I had the weekends off for two weekends in a row and that we should discuss it.

    He went clubbing the whole first weekend and barely spoke to me the entire weekend. Barely spoke to me through the following week. I approached him about it and he said he'd come see me at my job to discuss it. After pulling up to my job to discuss it with me he literally said "I have to go." We argued at that point and I asked him why he went 20 hours without responding to me at which point I was issued the "When I'm clubbing I'm too busy." line.

    After telling him that that excuse doesn't fly, then asking why he didn't message me when he got home or the entire next day he said "My phone died at the club, I didn't tell you cause you wouldn't believe me." After once again saying he had plenty of time the day after to respond he just got upset cause I was mad at him about it.

    I tried to get with him this friday/saturday/sunday to discuss it with him before he leaves for vacation (during which we wouldn't have had contact for 3 weeks) he did not respond to the message. After texting him more about it I got the response that he would simply be "clubing every night" and busy. Unable to meet during the weekend.

    I found it insulting to be such a low priority. How many opportunities should I give him?
     
  6. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    How much time you two want to spend with each other is a compatibility issue. When you two have different needs in that area, then you two aren't a match.

    Belowaverage1, from your second post, it doesn't sound as if you two are a match.
     
  7. michael_3165

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    Your best bet is to be honest... This is how I feel, this is what I feel should have happened, if you are like this this or this then we aren't gonna work out. Leave it at that but don't go back on it because then it becomes blackmail.

    I am very clear when first datin people I have things I don't like. If they do it why date em because you can't change another person :)
     
  8. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    At this point the relationship is over. With an offer of friendship and the possibility that we might be able to make things work out later. (Offered by him, along with an insult.)

    I'm laying in bed thinking about it and I'm pretty unhappy with the way all of this has turned out. I like him, but on the note of not changing him, he really shouldn't avoid me when an issue is present...state that he wants to discuss it face to face...but then completely avoid the face to face scenario.

    Such behavior is unwarranted. I feel like if this issue was so hard to even get to discuss with him since he was avoiding me, how bad would it be in the future if/when more issues came up?
     
  9. tiggerpoo

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    Belowaverage1 it sounds as though he's insensitive to your needs and is unable to be candid about the situation that is obviously painful to you. One makes time for the things that are important to oneself. It seems that clubbing and other things are more important to him than spending time with you and he lacks the candor to say so. I would say that he sure doesn't have your feelings at heart. I hope I'm not being too harsh - I have very little to go on.

    Please change your name. Belowaverage1 is such a negative psychological attack on yourself. Perhaps it is causing tremendous lack of confidence and having a negative impact on your ability to form a relationship.

    I presume it refers to you having a small penis. But that does not make you Belowaverage. A person is much more than their penis size. If someone does not accept you or find you attractive because you have a small penis pass them by. Be the person you are. Accept yourself as you are. Others may find it difficult to accept you if you can't do so yourself.

    I too have a small penis but I don't consider myself below average in any sense at all. I have had, still having, a wonderful sex life.

    Kind regards
    Tiggerpoo
     
  10. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    That's the thought that I was going on.

    I also have an issue with the thought that perhaps I didn't make enough time for him to get to it...but the more and more the events like that happened, the more it hurt. I believe I was patient. I can only last for so long.

    Ahh. My penis. I didn't think anything relating to it would come up in conversation here...to be honest.

    Admittedly I have large issues with confidence. They affect/effect my life in a large amount of ways. It's something I'm struggling with at the time being. And will be for years to come.

    I'm not particularly aware of the exact size of my own cock. I have felt inadequate in comparison to others in regards to it. It's not something that bothers me anymore, nor did it at the time when I selected this name. I made it with the acceptance of my cock in mind that I don't have to be as large as everyone else to be of any particular value (Guys tend to consider me below average despite my belief that I am average.) - and that I also have more pressing aspects of myself to be worried about. After having issues with testicular cancer as well...I just...have issues. But I accept them. And the scars.

    Particularly every other aspect about myself I tend to have trouble with. I'm a mess.

    Thank you for the perspective, advice, and concern. I'm trying to accept myself.
     
  11. Adrian69702006

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    Belowaverage1, thanks for taking the time and the trouble to explain your situation as well shed light on the context. It maybe that he felt pressured or wanted out but lacked the courage to be honest about it. Honest communication is important, particularly when both partners have very different expectations of a relationship. My advice would be to calm down, let the dust settle and not rush into another relationship until you've had time to deal with the demise of this one. I hope very much though that one day in the not too distant future you'll find happiness with someone who shares your values and priorities. Good luck mate.
     
  12. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    Thanks Adrian. I feel that is most likely the case.

    Thank you for your advice, it sounds look a good idea.

    I'm gonna take some time to just enjoy myself (in general, not so much sexually) until something worth being serious about comes along.

    I should stop witholding myself from sex and going years without. It's not a good idea from what I've read.
     
  13. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    Thanks Adrian. I feel that is most likely the case.

    Thank you for your advice, it sounds look a good idea.

    I'm gonna take some time to just enjoy myself (in general, not so much sexually) until something worth being serious about comes along.

    I should stop witholding myself from sex and going years without. It's not a good idea from what I've read.
     
  14. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    I agree with you too ConstantComment.
     
  15. Gecko4lif

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    The thought of clubbing fills me with homicidal rage. So ... no?
     
  16. belowaverage1

    belowaverage1 Member

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    Gecko4lif, I'm not fond of clubbing myself, but I avoided judging the activity or him based on it.

    It unfortunately just happens to be his biggest apparent concern in life.

    I just don't feel one should ignore their lover in favor of trivial matters.
     
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