Private aftermath of premature ejaculation

[AlteredEgo]

I'm thinking "Shit, fuck, it's gonna happen I know it!!"

I get like this too, where there is difficulty staying present. I have to remind myself to stay the hell out of the future. The reminders seem to help.

I don't take it too serious. If I'm in bed with a woman I like my chances of seeing her again no matter what happens. I feel like it's already a certainty. I've never had a first sex go so bad that I thought "Well shit, I fucked that one up"

On the other side of the coin, I don't think I have ever decided to never try again based on bad sex, but odd behavior afterward (he has too much unresolveable anxiety, he doesn't keep in touch, he begins to treat me differently or make me feel objectified) will make me vanish like I was never there.

Too bad about that avatar. Sounds cool.

 

[Dport]

I suppose I don't really have the anxiety afterward like I do upfront.

PE can be laughed off much easier than not being able to get it up.

 

[dude77007]

I wonder if PE has something to do with a guys early masturbatory practices. At least in my early days, after I first discovered masturbation, the main objective was to jerk as fast as possible and get a quick nut and the feeling that goes with it. Additionally, many times, a nut had to be gotten on the sly and time was of the essence. Once I had the privacy and leisure to have a nice slow wank, I most often went for the instant gratification that I had become used to. I would start off with the intention of a nice slow jerk and then it would be off to the races again. I think I conditioned myself to PE. Then, when I started having sex with a partner, the arousal of being with another person physically added to the PE along with performance anxiety. Sometimes I can last and sometimes I can't, but more often I can't. One sex therapist wrote: "the trains don't leave the station at the same time and they are seldom going at the same speed" ..."you're driving your train and your partner is driving her's". .."so how do you expect them to arrive at the same time?" It's just luck. But, I still worry about it because finishing at different times is different from PE. When a woman orgasms quickly we take that as a compliment. Wouldn't it have been nice if someone like our fathers found it acceptable and informative to somehow explained to us that a speedy nut might not serve us well when we got older and the benefits of a slow wank, learning to edging etc, might provide us more control over our orgasms as an adult. Just a thought.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I suppose I don't really have the anxiety afterward like I do upfront.

PE can be laughed off much easier than not being able to get it up.

I think it is difficult not to take ED personally when it is a younger, healthy partner. Mild ED (squishy erection) is helpful with a really, really big partner. But when it isn't getting hard at all, or can't stay hard that can be difficult for me not to internalize if it keeps happening. If it happens all the time, or is caused by condoms, I tend to lose interest. If it is paired with repeated PE, I have one foot out of the door. PE that is occasional doesn't bother me as long as the guy is treating me well, and interested in other forms of play until both of us are satisfied or he can go again. In the case of a man I've been teasing, well, I do take credit.

I wonder if PE has something to do with a guys early masturbatory practices. At least in my early days, after I first discovered masturbation, the main objective was to jerk as fast as possible and get a quick nut and the feeling that goes with it. Additionally, many times, a nut had to be gotten on the sly and time was of the essence. Once I had the privacy and leisure to have a nice slow wank, I most often went for the instant gratification that I had become used to. I would start off with the intention of a nice slow jerk and then it would be off to the races again. I think I conditioned myself to PE. Then, when I started having sex with a partner, the arousal of being with another person physically added to the PE along with performance anxiety. Sometimes I can last and sometimes I can't, but more often I can't. One sex therapist wrote: "the trains don't leave the station at the same time and they are seldom going at the same speed" ..."you're driving your train and your partner is driving her's". .."so how do you expect them to arrive at the same time?" It's just luck. But, I still worry about it because finishing at different times is different from PE. When a woman orgasms quickly we take that as a compliment. Wouldn't it have been nice if someone like our fathers found it acceptable and informative to somehow explained to us that a speedy nut might not serve us well when we got older and the benefits of a slow wank, learning to edging etc, might provide us more control over our orgasms as an adult. Just a thought.

I agree that finishing at different times is not like PE, and training away from old habits takes time and discipline. In my early 20's, I realized I was making my clit insensitive with vibrators and stopped using them until my sensitivity was restored. Now I almost never use them I've broken several expensive rabbits by clamping down on them while the gyration was on, thereby damaging the motor. My favorite stationary vibrator feels way too good and desensitizes my g-spot, so I rarely use that too.

I was lucky. My upbringing was meant to keep me open-minded about sexual play, even though it was clear I was expected to remain a virgin until after I was married. I was never made to be ashamed or secretive about masturbation. In fact, it was encouraged! All I was told was not to put foreign objects inside me, to do it privately, and to wash my hands before and after. I was never challenged about having my door closed. I agree that a more relaxed attitude from parents about jerking off would probably help a lot of guys.

 

[mako shark]

I've said this quite a few times but porn is not reality. Most guys come in just a couple of minutes and that is natural/average. It takes a lot of control and some other things to last a long time.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I've said this quite a few times but porn is not reality. Most guys come in just a couple of minutes and that is natural/average. It takes a lot of control and some other things to last a long time.

Not my experience. I've fucked a lot of dudes. Like... A lot. Most can last as long as they have to. Might have to change positions. Might have to switch activities. Might have to stop moving. But none of that after just a few minutes. Check my signature. I know what porn is not. I also know it's not to be expected that a man would ejaculate in under a minute.

 

[Wave85]

Not my experience. I've fucked a lot of dudes. Like... A lot. Most can last as long as they have to. Might have to change positions. Might have to switch activities. Might have to stop moving. But none of that after just a few minutes. Check my signature. I know what porn is not. I also know it's not to be expected that a man would ejaculate in under a minute.

Agree with you AE - my own experience is that I can do things with a partner that limit my sensitivity, or can engage in a very strong Kegel that will allow me to control orgasm timing. ED is a different issue altogether, and I have found that as I have become older, I have had a couple instances of ED due to stress or other factors, and I do find those to be embarrassing for me and disconcerting to my partner - luckily they are very few and far between and like my previous posts indicate, I think communication is critical around that issue because it has nothing to do with my partner but nevertheless she will take it personally.

For something so natural, sex can be complicated on so many levels. Women failing to produce adequate natural lubrication for sex I think is "similar" in some ways to ED in men, it is just not nearly as obvious, and I have found that as women get older they can experience that more often as well regardless of how turned on they are by their partner. That is easily solved with lube but it can play with the guys head as well for the same reasons that ED plays with a woman's head - you feel like you are not turning your partner on.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Not my experience. I've fucked a lot of dudes. Like... A lot. Most can last as long as they have to.

Agree with you AE - my own experience is that I can do things with a partner that limit my sensitivity, or can engage in a very strong Kegel that will allow me to control orgasm timing. ED is a different issue altogether, and I have found that as I have become older, I have had a couple instances of ED due to stress or other factors, and I do find those to be embarrassing for me and disconcerting to my partner - luckily they are very few and far between and like my previous posts indicate, I think communication is critical around that issue because it has nothing to do with my partner but nevertheless she will take it personally.

For something so natural, sex can be complicated on so many levels. Women failing to produce adequate natural lubrication for sex I think is "similar" in some ways to ED in men, it is just not nearly as obvious, and I have found that as women get older they can experience that more often as well regardless of how turned on they are by their partner. That is easily solved with lube but it can play with the guys head as well for the same reasons that ED plays with a woman's head - you feel like you are not turning your partner on.

I've had far more experience with partners lasting way too long.

It never occurred to me that men would take it personally if I wasn't wet enough. I can see it though. There have been a few instances, always during summer or illness, when I was very dehydrated. I'd drink water, we'd play around, problem would solve itself. It bever occurred to me how parallel that could be with ED. I always think of the pressure men place on me to have orgasms and to squirt as parallel to the pressure men face to have firm, lasting erections. In fact, any performance anxiety I feel is from uncomfortable pressure to have an intense and demonstrative orgasm.

 

[Wave85]

I've had far more experience with partners lasting way too long.

It never occurred to me that men would take it personally if I wasn't wet enough. I can see it though. There have been a few instances, always during summer or illness, when I was very dehydrated. I'd drink water, we'd play around, problem would solve itself. It bever occurred to me how parallel that could be with ED. I always think of the pressure men place on me to have orgasms and to squirt as parallel to the pressure men face to have firm, lasting erections. In fact, any performance anxiety I feel is from uncomfortable pressure to have an intense and demonstrative orgasm.

Crazy - I never expect anything from my partner in terms of orgasm - I feel like her orgasm is my responsibility and I have never had anyone "squirt." Her orgasm is for her, not me.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Crazy - I never expect anything from my partner in terms of orgasm - I feel like her orgasm is my responsibility and I have never had anyone "squirt." Her orgasm is for her, not me.

That's where the pressure comes from. I know "he" will feel my orgasm or lack thereof is his responsibility. If he mentions it at all, that becomes a really problematic preoccupation for me. One partner told friends we were swinging with that he would "make [me] squirt" and I couldn't reach orgasm for hours, let alone one that wet. It's performance anxiety. The source is always my understanding of a particular man's emotional or psychological need to be the source of my orgasms. Honestly? I don't have to have an orgasm to be satisfied. Doesn't hurt though.

 

[Wave85]

That's where the pressure comes from. I know "he" will feel my orgasm or lack thereof is his responsibility. If he mentions it at all, that becomes a really problematic preoccupation for me. One partner told friends we were swinging with that he would "make [me] squirt" and I couldn't reach orgasm for hours, let alone one that wet. It's performance anxiety. The source is always my understanding of a particular man's emotional or psychological need to be the source of my orgasms. Honestly? I don't have to have an orgasm to be satisfied. Doesn't hurt though.

I think I overstated that a bit - I really only feel responsible to try and get a woman to a place where she could orgasm - I think there are times where sex may feel incredible to a woman but she just isn't going to orgasm - there are also times where sex just might not be the best for any number of reasons - I have had sex enough times that it is not result oriented - it is experiential. I do not feel I failed in any way if she does not orgasm - if she is happy when we are done that is what matters.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

Regarding responsibility: while I feel responsible to be there and do what I can, there needs to be understanding that, while I can and am more than willing to jump through any sexual hoop she wants in her quest..... it's still her quest. I can't fix her problems if she's tired or stressed or preoccupied.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Regarding responsibility: while I feel responsible to be there and do what I can, there needs to be understanding that, while I can and am more than willing to jump through any sexual hoop she wants in her quest..... it's still her quest. I can't fix her problems if she's tired or stressed or preoccupied.

I feel exactly this way.

 

[ohhhhwest]

I'm not sure why, but the small handful of dudes with which I have recently (in the past 90 days or so)had sexual contact have included:

1) Long-time friend who came surprisingly fast, much faster than in the past, during intercourse. In his case, there is a long history of mutual satisfaction, AND I'd already had an orgasm from oral sex (though I would have liked to fuck long enough to have another).

2) A guy I had been out with a couple of times. I gave him a handjob for a brief period, but my hand kept getting too dry, so I added my mouth. Less than a minute later he came.

3)A guy with whom I went out a few times invited me over to hang out and watch TV. He guided my hand into his pants, and since we were not alone in the house (but were alone in the living room), I pulled his penis out, but covered it with his shirt. I wrapped my hand around the shaft and he became fully erect, I gave a few strokes but found his precum was insufficient lube. I wet my hand and stroked twice. He immediately got up, went into the nearest bathroom, then ran upstairs and came back in a new outfit and wouldn't resume snuggling or kissing. When asked about the wardrobe change, he said only that his shirt had gotten wet. When pressed later, after I left, he said he'd ejaculated. The next day he asked to be platonic and I declined to remain in contact. I only have his word to go on. I never felt pulsing in my hand, I never observed any signs of heightened arousal. I never saw semen. If he really did have an orgasm, I have never seen a faster one. Ever.

4) Agreed to exclusivity regarding sexual contact even though we were not a couple. I still wanted to explore dating options with other men, but agreed to limit contact to hugs and kisses. First sexual encounter: 10 second blowjob. Second chance: could not maintain erection once wearing condom. So, another 10 second blowjob. I hung out with him a few more times but wasn't sufficiently interested in him as a person to continue dating and work through whatever his sexual situation is.

I have questions. If you've ever experienced premature ejaculation with a partner, what was the context of the encounter, and what did you think about after? What did you think about yourself, your ability to perform, your partner and her reaction, and the encounter itself? How do women generally respond to you in the aftermath? How long after do you find you think about what happened?

This is an interesting question because I have had an instance before where I've prematurely ejaculated. In both situations it was because the lady blew my mind (literally & figuratively). I almost instantly praised her for work because I didn't even expect it myself. I was so aroused and turned on by her efforts that I was still hard after. Neither of the women were necessarily "mad" at me because of my performance immediately after. Still to me, in my head, I was a bit embarrassed for the moment lol.

 

[Nosuportneeded]

I'm not sure why, but the small handful of dudes with which I have recently (in the past 90 days or so)had sexual contact have included:

1) Long-time friend who came surprisingly fast, much faster than in the past, during intercourse. In his case, there is a long history of mutual satisfaction, AND I'd already had an orgasm from oral sex (though I would have liked to fuck long enough to have another).

2) A guy I had been out with a couple of times. I gave him a handjob for a brief period, but my hand kept getting too dry, so I added my mouth. Less than a minute later he came.

3)A guy with whom I went out a few times invited me over to hang out and watch TV. He guided my hand into his pants, and since we were not alone in the house (but were alone in the living room), I pulled his penis out, but covered it with his shirt. I wrapped my hand around the shaft and he became fully erect, I gave a few strokes but found his precum was insufficient lube. I wet my hand and stroked twice. He immediately got up, went into the nearest bathroom, then ran upstairs and came back in a new outfit and wouldn't resume snuggling or kissing. When asked about the wardrobe change, he said only that his shirt had gotten wet. When pressed later, after I left, he said he'd ejaculated. The next day he asked to be platonic and I declined to remain in contact. I only have his word to go on. I never felt pulsing in my hand, I never observed any signs of heightened arousal. I never saw semen. If he really did have an orgasm, I have never seen a faster one. Ever.

4) Agreed to exclusivity regarding sexual contact even though we were not a couple. I still wanted to explore dating options with other men, but agreed to limit contact to hugs and kisses. First sexual encounter: 10 second blowjob. Second chance: could not maintain erection once wearing condom. So, another 10 second blowjob. I hung out with him a few more times but wasn't sufficiently interested in him as a person to continue dating and work through whatever his sexual situation is.

I have questions. If you've ever experienced premature ejaculation with a partner, what was the context of the encounter, and what did you think about after? What did you think about yourself, your ability to perform, your partner and her reaction, and the encounter itself? How do women generally respond to you in the aftermath? How long after do you find you think about what happened?

I've come many times before I was ready, which is premature, to me, but probably not premature, by definition.

One time it was a one night stand and I felt like a really shitty lay. It was a few minutes, but not what I wanted. She seemed to be very ok with it. I still am mad about my poor showing, and wish I had followed up another night and blown her mind.

Other times, being young, I would usually be ready to come as soon as I was fully in my college gf. Very frustrating for me. She was like "really!?" and a little frustrated as well. Back then, I always came once, usually orally, before the PIV, and all was good. It was rough though, when we just wanted to fuck and I could not last. The stop start slow gets old fast.

I was judged very harshly for my inability to last with my ex wife once. It was a weird situ where she was mad, but want to get off. I disregard anything she says though, because she was/is abusive and awful.

These type of experiences stick with me lead me to gain what I consider a pretty good ability to control it. Of course, I'm older now too.

 

[Beedie Tijii]

I would agree with the guy who suggested that erectile dysfunction is a more serious problem mentally, for a man, than premature ejaculation is. It seems illogical, as both issues are equally adverse to one's ability to enjoy sex, but (shocker!) men are not always the logical creatures we like to pretend we are. I've dealt with both issues on a few occasions in the past, and only the former leaves any scars, for me. My perspective might be influenced by the fact that I have only experienced P.E. as a rarity during a long-term relationship that involved a lot of sex. It's easy to laugh off P.E. if it's a Thursday night, and you've already fucked six or seven times that week. The potential for E.D. is one of the chief reasons why I do not like to mix sex with alcohol.

 

[Dport]

Seems logical to me that they're not close to being equally adverse to enjoying sex..

With PE I can 'blame' that good pussy for making me cum quick. Can damn near make it a compliment... We can laugh about it before I go down on her... Not to mention 10 minutes later you can try again, as she's not exactly worn out.

ED is a whole other beast. Much heavier. There's that feeling of wanting to disappear. That feeling that makes you avoid eye contact.
And I have to assume patting a dude on the back and giving him the "It's ok" speech is just as horrible for her as it is for us.

 

[Beedie Tijii]

Seems logical to me that they're not close to being equally adverse to enjoying sex..

With PE I can 'blame' that good pussy for making me cum quick. Can damn near make it a compliment... We can laugh about it before I go down on her... Not to mention 10 minutes later you can try again, as she's not exactly worn out.

ED is a whole other beast. Much heavier. There's that feeling of wanting to disappear. That feeling that makes you avoid eye contact.
And I have to assume patting a dude on the back and giving him the "It's ok" speech is just as horrible for her as it is for us.

I said "seems illogical" because, objectively speaking, the end result is the same: the sex is over before it begins. I have already agreed with you that E.D. is more devastating on the ego though, and for good reasons. I think you're just arguing semantics with me here.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I think you're just arguing semantics with me here.

I don't think he's so much arguing as exchanging ideas. Welcome back, by the way. You were missed.

 

[simbablk]

My issues with PE were usually around the fact that I hadn't cum in a LONG time! Typically, it's when I haven't cum in like three or so months.

Yeah, I know...