Problem with chasing "straight" a straight guy

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by yngjock20, Oct 5, 2010.

  1. yngjock20

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    Sorry I haven't been around in a while...I got bored.

    First off: this isn't general "I like straight guys" type of thread. I'm talking about specifics.

    I like this guy. He's straight, but he's also dealing with a lot of problems emotionally. Basically, I'm the only person in his life showing him positive vibes. His girlfriend sucks, his family constantly berates him and he's just not understood...and I do understand him.

    My problem is am I confusing his attachment to me as his draw to my positive vibe, or is he possibly "curious?"

    I'll give a an example of my confusion:

    We hang out quite often, and when we go to the mall, he almost instinctively takes on the "boyfriend" roll. He'll carry my bag(s) and be generally like a boyfriend despite the fact that he already has a girlfriend and he's straight. Pretty much all of my other straight male friends DON'T act this way when we hang out. So, it's an obvious difference.

    Another example:

    He'll call me at random times throughout the day, just to see how I'm doing. Caring? Yeah, but it's also textbook boyfriend behavior. Again, I've never had a guy who wasn't interested in me do these things. It's throwing me off because I would love for him to actually mean everything that he's doing, but I just can't tell.

    Should I just decide to let him be how he wants to be and enjoy this attention from a straight guy, or try to analyze him and figure out if there's something more to our relationship?


    EDIT: I don't know what the hell I was writing in the title. Sorry.
     
  2. mikebm4wm

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    My take would be to simply TALK with him and not direct questions like..Do you like me BEYOND friendship...but questions about HIM..Why does his girlfriend suck? ; What are the problems at home with his family? ; Just give him EVERY opportunity to let him talk about what's going wrong in his relationships...then LISTEN for what he says and DOESN'T say...then you can 'graduate' to asking him what makes you so much different than anyone else in his life!
     
  3. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    "decide to let him be how he wants to be and enjoy this attention from a straight guy"

    You answered your own question. That's about the long and short of it.
     
    #3 D_Tim McGnaw, Oct 5, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2010
  4. dreamer20

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    I don't see his behavior indicating bi-curiosity. You understand and provide "Rich Tea and sympathy for him", which he greatly appreciates.
    He likes you as a companion and friend. At the mall he was not playing a boyfriend role, but simply was a helpful porter for you. Enjoy being attended to by your considerate friend.
     
  5. ericbythebay

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    I'd let him be. What you describe may be more common among female or gay friends, but just because he's straight doesn't imply sexual undercurrents.

    If you don't want to ruin the friendship, I'd let him make any first moves beyond friends.
     
  6. NY4Curious

    NY4Curious New Member

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    Enjoy his friendship and carefully listen to what he doesn't say. He'll let you know if he wants to take it further than it is (he'll also let you know where the lines are he doesn't want to cross). Let him know, without directly telling him, that you are willing to be more than friends if he would be comfortable with that. Also let him know that a one night experiment would hold absolutely no obligations for further experiments.

    Considering all the negative things that are being thrown at him at this moment, he will be easily frightened and intimidated by any suggestions that your friendship could/should beyond the good supportive friend that you are at this minute.

    Let him decide to take it further if he wants to. Remember as many things as he can tell you by not talking about them, you can tell him by also not mentioning them or talking about them.

    F.Y.I., it has also been my experience that straight boys have taught to be both romantic and gentle by the women in their lives. As crude as their locker room and guys talk can be, when actual attraction becomes apparent, they become coy, shy and what any gay guy would call silly romantic. Let him play the game the way he's been taught to and knows how to play it. You might be surprised, you may be hurt, but isn't that risk what makes life exciting?
     
  7. dreamer20

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    ^^As you gave this advice, yngjock20 obviously should not follow this other suggestion of yours::cool:

     
  8. maxcok

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    Since you have this close relationship, why don't you just be honest and just ask him about it? :confused:
     
  9. Brick7

    Brick7 Active Member

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    Perhaps he's acting the "boyfriend" role with you because that's the role he's used to playing with his actual girlfriend. You're just a substitute "girlfriend" or proxy for the moment. I wouldn't presume there were ulterior motives on his part.
    Don't try to take advantage of him or the situation. He needs a friend and isn't looking for a boyfriend or sex. Be that friend, be supportive, be there for him and leave it at that.
     
  10. mandoman

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    NY4Curious, and Brick7, what great, open hearted advice.
    I'd be proud to know you.
     
  11. guynmn

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    I also think proxy girlfriend behavior or he is just very considerate. I lean more toward proxy because you may be filling the emotional needs his gf would provide: support; making him feel special, needed, good about himself. He may not be getting this identity validation from her but from you. Not a huge jump to link feelings to behaviors. If he gets the gf feedback he then responds with gf treatment (minus the hot man sex, sorry to bust the bubble).
    I have had several str8 friends make me the pseudo gf when a relationship went down the crapper. Mostly the stuff you describe: calling a lot, carrying stuff, offering to fix my car/trick it out, checking up on me to be sure im "ok". The best was chasing off other guys who were "bothering me" in his presence (his words, i was not bothered in the least dude was hot, lol). One did do an emotional shift "holy fuck! I think I'm into you" type thing. But, he was emotionally fragile and confused so told him he probably was just messed up over the women. He got over it and was of course still str8, not even bi. If I would have messed around I feel it would have violated our friendship and trust, like I was taking advantage of his emotional train wreck.
     
  12. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

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    You're absolutely great to him and he wants to be good to you too. I wouldn't read into it too much.
     
  13. DiscoBoy

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    Agreed. I think you should simply continue to interact with him in the way you have been, and not risk anything. If he genuinely likes you, he'll probably find a way to indicate that somehow. Don't hold out for it, though.

    I agree with this to an extent. I don't think you should straight up ask him if he likes you, because I don't think that would elicit an honest or positive response. You can, however, ask why he does certain things to/for you, like carrying your bags.
     
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