Problematic/basically Sexless Relationship

[erpap]

Of course like any relationship it started off nice! It has taken the normal turns of a typical relationship. Except for somewhere near the middle of the relationship the sex slowly came to an end for a very long time. Then I found out he was on a sex site, then I found out he went back to drinking (he was sober for almost 20 years). So last January everything came out in the open. Made attempts in the right direction towards sex but not drinking issues. Bottom line with sex is we both can be a bit insecure. And then the sex stopped again. Now I’m very insecure when it comes to making a move (huge fear of rejection I guess) and of course that makes him feel unwanted plus whatever his own insecurities are don’t help. So back to the internet we both went for sexual release. During our chats I have brought up open relationship, threesome and all were met with a NO.

Should I bring up open relationship again?

Obviously we are both human and sex and desire is apart of human nature. I have never cheated! But of course being human you’re aroused by others you find attractive. And if he is back online or never left being online says to me yes one he needs release like anyone else but my insecurities make me think he would like to have sex with others. Why else would you go to a hookup site instead of just looking for poem on the internet. Excuse me if my thoughts are all over the place. So many things going through my mind.

Is it possible it’s just an outlet for relaxing and release with no intention of looking for sex with someone else. I know everyone’s story is different. There I more but if I wrote everything it would be a 400 page book.

Any one else ever go through something similar? Outcome? Solutions? Suggestions?

 

[LargePenisSupporter]

How long have you guys been dating?
Sound like things are not going too well in general between the 2 of you. Also sounds like he is not really willing to work things out

 

[cedarizzo]

I know you have been going through this for some time. The 2 of you need to have a very honest conversation with each other. The problem is your insecurities (and his) will keep both of you from being truly honest with each other. If both of you are serious about working on the relationship, maybe the 2 of you need to see a couples counselor or a therapist.

Best wishes for both of you. I hope you can do what is best for both of you.

 

[CaptainRugby]

Get rid.

 

[hvdude]

I am in a very long term relationship (20+ years). At the beginning we discussed which was more important: sex or having a real connection with your partner. We both agreed having the connection and "no" to open relationships. We had sex several times a week at the start. Little by little it tapered off. We haven't had sex in over 15 years. Why? Lack of (physical attraction) but no lack of affection. We both jerk off. I've asked to be able to sleep with other guys, to which the answer was "no". Now in our 50's we're happy together. We love each other and share our lives. I have friends that are single and sometimes feel jealous of their freedom. But at the end of the day I want to be with someone I can talk to, who understands me and puts up with me. Sexual drive is there, but nothing a good porn flick can't solve.

 

[51arledge]

I'm in a very long term (33 years) relationship with a man I'm still very much in love with. BUT, we haven't had sex in at least 20 years.
We were never that sexually compatible; both of us were tops--actually I was never into anal until the last 10 years--so there used to be lots of 69 and hugs, kisses, cuddling, etc. Even that faded away in our first ten years, though.
Then he had 2 bad knee operations that left him in severe chronic pain. He began a pain management regimen about 20 years ago, with consequent effects on his libido plus major bouts of depression.
I continued to be supportive and as someone said a porn flick here and there was very helpful. But then from 2007 through 2010 he had many near fatal infections; the last infection resulting on removal of his large intestine. He now has an ostomy bag, and that has meant that physical intimacy isn't possible; he's even afraid to hug or cuddle. On the other hand, I m needed for lots of nursing care.
His pain meds and depression have sometimes made communication very difficult and heated.
We ended up in couples therapy. After months of work he finally got it that I don't want to put him in a nursing home, but he also realized that I needed physical intimacy from someone. So, he agreed that I could have sex outside our marriage.
I had been doing it with a couple of FBs already by that point, and have continued since except for the Covid pandemic.
The ability to have even a nice erotic massage has provided enough emotional/tactile caring for myself that it's been much easier to bear the burden of being a caregiver while working full-time, managing the household and chores, and keeping a level head with minimal steam released.
On the other hand, he knows me so well, that he can anticipate my thoughts, my feelings, my stress. There have been instances where he called me out of the blue while at work or traveling because he KNEW I would benefit from his voice.
All we can do together these days is eat, watch TV, sleep (and I only mean sleep) in the same bed,and kiss with him in his wheelchair and me standing.
I still love him deeply, but I'm so glad I can play elsewhere.

 

[cantaloupe]

I don't think throwing in the open relationship idea mixes well with the alcoholism and feeling unwanted. There is a very serious illness involved on his side and probably something more underlying a dysfunctional relationship...

 

[ChiGuy70]

I am in a very long term relationship (20+ years). At the beginning we discussed which was more important: sex or having a real connection with your partner. We both agreed having the connection and "no" to open relationships. We had sex several times a week at the start. Little by little it tapered off. We haven't had sex in over 15 years. Why? Lack of (physical attraction) but no lack of affection. We both jerk off. I've asked to be able to sleep with other guys, to which the answer was "no". Now in our 50's we're happy together. We love each other and share our lives. I have friends that are single and sometimes feel jealous of their freedom. But at the end of the day I want to be with someone I can talk to, who understands me and puts up with me. Sexual drive is there, but nothing a good porn flick can't solve.

Really great to hear a story like this. It's very much like my 20+ relationship. Though I feel I am staying more for financial security than companionship. I think he stays with me for the companionship. It's symbiotic.

 

[hvdude]

Really great to hear a story like this. It's very much like my 20+ relationship. Though I feel I am staying more for financial security than companionship. I think he stays with me for the companionship. It's symbiotic.

Symbiotic maybe. We definitely have a lot financially together. Most important is that we share enjoyment of the same things. He puts up with my foibles and I his.