Psychology of a submissive

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by slimgurl, Jan 3, 2012.

  1. slimgurl

    slimgurl Member

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    I know some of the reasons, but I am going ask my fellow LPSGers why a woman who is normal in everyday life is a total sexual submissive.

    Yes, this applies to me. I fantasize about it often and live it out on occasion, but it takes a certain kind of guy. I like cocky, strong men who will dominate me sexually. I am not into violence or blood, but some of my likes are:

    Hair pulled
    Slapped
    Spanked
    Grabbed by the throat
    Spanked
    Gagged
    Tied up
    Spit on
    Verbally abused
    Anal sex
    Urine

    This doesn't happen often, but I do find a guy now and then who is into this and not faking it just to get some ass. There must be some disturbig psychology behind all this. Maybe I don't want to know the real reasons but I also have that part of me that wants to know why this sexually turns me on.

    Any thoughts/help???????????? Thanks :)
     
  2. D_bbv12xcz

    D_bbv12xcz New Member

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    When it comes to dominant/submissive people, it's mostly random preference with no specific reasoning.
    But I once read that sexual turn-ons are often polarized by extreme personalities and they work to keep a balance between one's conscious and subconscious selves. For example, a woman who is especially assertive and powerful out in the world could be submissive sexually.
     
  3. slimgurl

    slimgurl Member

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    Well, I do have a lot of responsibilities on my regular life. Often more than I care to have. It often feels like a total escape for me. Or my desire for a guy to take charge of my life because I don't want all this shit.
     
  4. 7BIG

    7BIG Member

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    My thoughts are a woman should never be treated that way whether she liked it
    or not. you could be seriously injured
    he could have a heart a tack and die " and this has happen " and you yould be their tied up for some one else to find you like that. what would they think if it your kids parents best friends police emegerency workers ..........found you like that. the list could go on and on.
    My thoughts on Help Seek some type of thearpy councling.
    those are my thoughts and seeking some type of help.
     
  5. yourhardlimits

    yourhardlimits New Member

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    Most women I've been involved with have been much like you - strong and in charge in real life. They have enjoyed sexual submission because it gives them a very real opportunity, within boundaries acknowledged (and often openly negotiated) between themselves and a dominant male or a female domme, to let go of control, trust another to keep them safe and protected, while still having the adventure of edgy and/or rough sex.

    There's a lot of catharsis involved in the sexual release, whether in 'normal' sex or in dominant/submissive sexual encounters.

    I agree to a certain extent with 7Big. There are women - and men - who are drawn to BDSM who should seek immediate counseling to resolve underlying issues and to change behaviors. It hasn't been my experience that all women (or men) should do so, or even most.

    BDSM allows a controlled release of sexual energy and aggression, and in some ways can even be therapeutic. It's not exactly the norm, but there are plenty of individuals who have worked through underlying issues through their BDSM practices, and have simply moved on, no longer participating or even interested. Not an APA approved form of therapy, but it occurs none the less.
     
  6. D_bbv12xcz

    D_bbv12xcz New Member

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    There you go, that could be one part of it.
    From what I've noticed in psychology's explanation of extreme behaviors, a lot of it seems to involve us trying to maintain some sort of balance in our minds. We subconsiously compensate with our extreme behaviors- repression, acting out, projecting -because we want to find equilibrium within ourselves.
     
    #6 D_bbv12xcz, Jan 3, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2012
  7. helgaleena

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    I think it's a worry if it's the only way you can get sexual pleasure. If you can also enjoy 'vanilla' on occasion, you don't have a problem.

    It's best to let stuff like this be for special occasions with an extremely trusted partner, and stay in your fantasy life only for the rest of the time. That's the lovely thing about fantasy-- you can have sex with dragons and Donald Trump or have your throat cut in a fantasy without any terrible consequences.

    The only true cause for alarm would be if you can't get your big O without actual physical damage to yourself, and also no longer can enjoy love for its own sake.

    I myself admit to getting enjoyment out of being sat on and posed-- but it has to be mixed with plenty of positive attention and reinforcement. Once a guy tied me up and left the room for an hour--I went hysterical from the uncertainty. Never again.

    You need to be very clear with yourself what it is you like and don't like about being sub and make sure your partner knows equally clearly. Meanwhile, dream freely.
     
  8. Fade

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    Are you seriously saying that people who are into Dominance/submission, Sadism/masochism, Bondage, discipline, etc need to go to "thearpy councling"? If so, I have one succinct thing to say to you. Bugger off.

    You could get run over by a car if you step out the door, but people still do it. Yes, there are risky things people do in their day to day life, but there are things people can do to reduce risks/keep themselves safe. To be so incredibly dismissive of the way of life/hobby/whatever it is to an individual that is BDSM is incredibly offensive. Should people who like big dicks go to "thearpy councling"? Should people who like dressing up in lingerie go to "thearpy councling"? No. Different strokes for different folks, and you should be able to respect that.
     
    #8 Fade, Jan 3, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2012
  9. Fade

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    First, sorry for the double post but I did want to also offer my own opinion on what the OP said.

    Why does a person who is "normal" in everyday life enjoy "total sexual submission"? ...because you do. Yes, there can be things in a person's past/life experiences that help determine fetishes, but just as large of a part of that is (to me) unknown.

    I've been kinky for as long as I can remember. No, I wasn't abused as a child. No, I don't have "daddy" issues. Yes, I had a stable home. People like what they like. I've gotten frustrated with myself in the past for being kinky, but having given it a lot of thought, there's no point. The things I like don't hurt anyone else, and given the precautions I take, I'm never hurt more than I want to be. My psychological health isn't deteriorating because I like being tied up or beaten.

    If you really want to explore it more, I would suggest joining a kink friendly social group on here, or even joining a kink specific website. Take other people's opinions with a grain of salt. Try to be open minded. Just because someone's kink isn't your kink doesn't make it lesser than yours. If you do choose to talk to a psychologist/therapist/counselor of some sort about it, make sure you find one who IS kink friendly. There's nothing wrong with liking pervy things as long as it's done safely, sanely, and in a consensual manner.
     
  10. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Being an alter ego in the bedroom has positive psychological benefits. I consider it in a lot of situations to be quite emotionally healthy.
     
  11. Smaccoms

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    Honestly, I beginning to think I'm naturally submissive because of my narcissistic father. Grandstanding to be more specific. Human psychology is quite complicated. A lot more things are connected than people realize. Anyways...
     
  12. Thirdlegproduction

    Thirdlegproduction Formerly WhiteMonst3r
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    I think it is one of the most intimate thing a woman can give to a man, her trust.

    i've also seen that in some cases it does a woman good knowing she is her man's object of lust his plaything.

    One of my gf's once asked me to slap her in the face, which scared me at first and thinking all kinds of scenarios of her being abused as a child or something but within her boundaries she showed me that it was an intimate form of trust being totally surrendered to me.
     
  13. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Sometimes reliving the abuse with YOU in control this time rather than having that control taken from you, when you are given no choice in the matter, can be very cathartic. Does that make sense? More positive experiences overriding the negative ones.

    I agree that it is an honor to have someone lay down her trust for you. But I can see where it could be very difficult to do something that would otherwise be abusive in day to day situations outside of the bedroom.
     
    #13 B_Mademoiselle Rouge, Jan 3, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2012
  14. dolfette

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    my highly qualified and experienced therapist said there was nothing wrong with it as long as i was comfortable. i would be perfectly willing to pass on your contact details to her if you like, so that you could give here the benefit of your superior education in these matters.
     
  15. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Faydreh . . . :You_Rock_Emoticon: for both your posts above!! I agree with every word of them.


    Any psychologist without an agenda of their own will be able to tell you that an interest in BDSM, in and of itself, is not currently considered a mental illness, nor is it considered something that needs therapy or fixing. It is considered a normal variation in sexuality.

    Like with anything else (and I really do mean ANYTHING else - the same could be applied to LPSG membership or reading books), if that interest causes clinically significant distress or impairment in functioning in various areas of one's life, it is considered to be a problem that needs fixing. The fixing is not needed because of the behaviour or desire itself, but because of the impact it is having. ie. If you aren't fucking up your life (or others' lives) and you aren't distressed about your particular version of sexuality, you don't have a problem and you don't need psych help.

    To get back to the OP's question, most psychs these days consider an interest in BDSM to be a normal variation in sexuality that is not necessarily linked to any particular type of psychology. Sure, some people may be interested in it because it helps them take back power after being abused, or for a multiple of other reasons. But many others are a sub or a Dom because that is just who they are - no deep and meaningful psychological reason involved at all. A group of psychs that are a major exception to this view are psychoanalyists - for them EVERYTHING has some deep and meaningful psychological explanation.
     
  16. 7BIG

    7BIG Member

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    You did not read my post very well. that is my thoughts no where did i say everyone should get " thearpy councling"
    That was my thoughts on that post.
     
  17. rtg

    rtg
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    Interesting...I love to be dominant in the bedroom and take charge, so like a submissive guy ;) It has never really worked with another dominant guy....we both wanna take charge and it gets messy and annoying haha.
     
  18. slimgurl

    slimgurl Member

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    Thanks, this has certainly given me food for thought.
     
  19. OlderGuy

    OlderGuy New Member

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    I had a lover who was a lady cop. She loved me to be dominant in bed and to treat her largely like you said, although without the urine. For her, she was a true lady but had to be so tough at work. Being submissive sometimes in bed let her explore that side of herself or even be confronted with a loss of control. She also liked to be strong in bed, so she was pretty balanced, but the sub side of her was beautiful and trusting.
     
  20. D_erf5ytr

    D_erf5ytr New Member

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    Hun, I'm just like you! In my normal day-to-day life I appear normal, sweet and innocent. You wouldn't think a thing about me. But little do they know, but I'm into hardcore S&M, and a size queen. I don't think anything is wrong with it at all. In fact, I like having the two personas per se. I enjoy my regular self and I enjoy my dominate sexy self too. It's kinda like living a double life... lol!
     
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