Pun Pun Pun... (dramatic silence)

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by B_Danceswithlamps, Apr 2, 2006.

  1. B_Danceswithlamps

    B_Danceswithlamps New Member

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    Another fun thread! (But not from Windtalkerways sadly...)

    Here is a compilation of all of the puns and jokes you know, that way, we don't need 5 billion katrillion zillion pillion etc threads on it!! YAY!!

    I'll start:

    Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

    -Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

    Dadun clish. (drums).

    (I'll ad more later.)
     
  2. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in overalls, applying a pale yellow paint to the front door.

    "Holmes what is it?"

    "A lemon entry, my dear Watson."
     
  3. B_Danceswithlamps

    B_Danceswithlamps New Member

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    That one got a double snort. Haha!

    Two blondes walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
     
  4. b.c.

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    I'm not a good joke teller, so I looked up some stuff from the undisputed KING of one liners, Dangerfield, of course:

    (insert "BA-DA-BOOM" as needed)

    [SIZE=+1]Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners:[/SIZE]
    "Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
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    "I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
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    "My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
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    "When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
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    "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
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    "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
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    "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
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    "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
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    "What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
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    "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
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    "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof"
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    "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
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    "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said. I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
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    "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
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    "On Halloween. the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
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    "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
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    "I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said...No, one drag is enough."
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    "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home.
    I went over... Nobody was home!"
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    "I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
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    "During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
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    "One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said. Because you came home early."
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    "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
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    "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... All right...you're ugly too!"
     
  5. B_Danceswithlamps

    B_Danceswithlamps New Member

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    Niice! I actually chortled on a couple of them... haha. (chortled. what a fun word!!)
     
  6. windtalkerways

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    ((Foley)) I love punnery! :tongue: :wink:



    The maharajah of an Indian Province
    issued a royal decree. He ordered that
    no one was to kill any wild animals while
    he was the country's leader. The decree
    was honored until there were so many
    Bengal Tigers running loose that the
    people revolted and threw the maharajah
    from power.

    This is the first known instance of the
    reign being called on account of the game.
     
  7. windtalkerways

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    Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

    "Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

    "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

    "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

    Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

    "Certainly madam," he replied.

    "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

    The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

    "Morning madam...sleep well?"

    "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

    "Food to your liking?"

    "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

    "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

    We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

    "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

    Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

    "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
     
  8. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    There were two ships crossing the pacific. One carrying blue paint from Singapore to Los Angeles, the other carrying red dyes from America to Taiwan.

    Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, the two ships met abruptly.

    The ships were lost to the sea and the crews of both are believed to be marooned.
     
  9. B_Danceswithlamps

    B_Danceswithlamps New Member

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    Haha. Niice one!


    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.

    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

    Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
     
  10. jakeatolla

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    AAAAHHHHHH. It hurts.Its really hurts!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  11. windtalkerways

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    A small boy swallowed some coins and
    was taken to a hospital.

    When his grandmother telephoned to
    ask how he was a nurse said

    'No change yet'.
     
  12. GoneA

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    for christmas my grandfather gave my brother a box of broken glass, and me a box of band-aids .... he told us to share.
     
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