Put On Notice: NO MORE SEX

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Andy_Whorewall, Jan 16, 2011.

  1. D_Andy_Whorewall

    D_Andy_Whorewall Account Disabled

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    That's right, my wife informed me while on vacation (of all places) that she no longer desired sex ! Things in the bedroom haved slowed down over the years, but we still enjoyed each other.

    I replied to her that part of any relationship should be physical, her response was "there is more in a relationship than sex." I'm a do anything in bed kind of guy, all she had to do wass ask and I did it. I would always think of her needs first and whether or not she was being pleased, and 90% of the time she was. ( She doesn't fake orgasms )

    We just reached the point where our kids are out of the house, (college etc), so our time is to ourselves. I keep myself fit and clean , am well respected at my job, live in an upscale community, and am a very level headed person.

    Now the mood in our house is cold and distant. We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine. There is no touching, no affection nor kissing. We're only 50 ! Do I have to live the rest of my married life like this ? I refuse to.

    I'm not a good liar and cheating is not part of my makeup...but jerking off is getting old. I want/need to be touched and offer myself to someone. Has anyone else been in this position ?

    Not looking for answers just venting....
     
  2. MuscledHorse

    MuscledHorse Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear that dude, but that's why so many guys I hook up with are married--women just don't get it.
     
  3. Seogra

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    The difference between a significant other and a best friend is sex/sexual attraction. I've heard people claim that it's more than that, but never had someone be able to reasonably explain what that 'more' was. If you think it's a temporary issue that will eventually pass, and you're still physically attracted to her, then hang in there and tough it out, being supportive of her. If you think it's permanent, she needs to either be understanding of your extramarital sexual activities or accepting of divorce papers.
     
  4. phndoc

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    avg-dick I know the feeling. My wife too has done the samething. She will not even touch me anymore. "my hands get tried" she tells me. My reply is "so, do my". Sex may not be everything but, it is very importanted.
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    right gay sex is better than no even if it is only oral and j/o not anal
    love married men
     
  6. MarkLondon

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    That's tragic. I've met men in similar circumstances and it's not a recipe for happiness. Your wife is probably menopausal and needs help adjusting. It's a big transition. Doctors should be consulted and you should be as supportive as possible. But something has to be done, you could be facing another 20 years or even longer together.
     
  7. silvertriumph2

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    Sorry to hear this, avg-dick.....
    Is she going through the change of life at this time?
    If not, is she (or both of you) willing to go for counselling?
    I am asuming that you otherwise still have a loving relationship.
    Even thought you are hurt and disappointed, be kind and try to
    be supportive if it is the change of life...it can be very difficult and
    hard on a woman.
    Good luck....I'm pulling for you both...
     
    #7 silvertriumph2, Jan 16, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2011
  8. helgaleena

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    What confuses me is the no hugging, no cuddling, no touching! Hugs are so important to human health. If she's not even accepting a hug, something is seriously wrong and she needs therapy.

    Tell her she has to be willing to console you and demonstrate affection for you because you NEED it, as much as any child of hers. It's a proven scientific fact. And like it or not, she needs hugs too. If not from you, from somebody!

    And go from there. As for sex, your primary sexual partner is yourself and always will be. Masturbation is sex too. Whether she is present or not is up to you both.
     
  9. Dr. Algonquin

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    I'd suggest counseling. If there's no affection being show at all, not even hugs and kisses, then not desiring sex isn't really the problem or at least not the only problem. And if it's already led to being distant and not talking that's just heading in a bad direction. Getting outside help can't hurt.
     
  10. airc3

    airc3 New Member

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    Not sure I agree with this. I really disliked being hugged, or touched in general. It's not uncommon. What is unusual is if someone USED to like it (like your wife) but doesn't anymore. Something must have happened.
     
  11. Gamm

    Gamm New Member

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    Your story (except the kids being old enough to be out of the house) was the same as mine. 4 years divorced.
     
  12. CrookedHalo

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    I feel compelled to chime in here. I'm a female and have had the misfortune of experiencing this first hand...but the other way round. HE (my ex-husband) decided to move into the spare bedroom and never moved back to what used to be our bedroom. I don't think it's strictly limited to women "cutting off" their men. However I will admit that it's much more unusual for a man to do the same to his woman. In either case, it's a hurtful thing to endure. It left me feeling unwanted and unloved, as I'm sure you understand. I feel that the physical aspect is an integral part to a successful relationship, and view it a one of those proverbial 4 cornerstones. I tried absolutely everything to entice him back into our bed (heck, I'd have settled for the couch, counter, table, floor, etc) but it was all to no avail. In the end, our building did collapse in divorce. avg-dick I feel for you, and I do hope for your happiness. Good Luck.
     
    #12 CrookedHalo, Jan 16, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2011
  13. maxcok

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    I echo this, only I'd go a step further and say you really should push for couples counseling to sort out what the underlying issue(s) are. If she is resistant to counseling, then you need to decide if you want to remain in a relationship devoid of sex and physical affection.
     
  14. Guy-jin

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    Thirded on the counseling. It's something you need to talk about and get help with because it honestly isn't acceptable and it's a sign of greater problems in the relationship.
     
  15. Fleur

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    This is definitely insulting. Being a woman with a very high sex drive and being in the same place as avg-dick, I'd have to say I do 'get it'. You don't have to be a man to be on the wrong side of a sexless relationship.


    I too had a similar thing happen to me with a long term relationship. Nothing I did worked. He even turned down blow jobs, hand jobs etc. He just had no sex drive. It was a gradual thing and it just turned into once a month if I was lucky. I felt extremely unwanted and unloved. I would never date another man again who didn't want sex on a daily basis and whom I didn't have intense sexual chemistry with.

    I think what sucks is these types of stories always seem to end with 'women don't get it'. I also have found that if I even explain what happened to me in my long-term relationship the reactions I get are that there must be something wrong with me (e.g. he wasn't attracted to me, I wasn't good in bed) whereas in the reverse, it's still the woman's fault (e.g. she has no sex drive, she's a prude in bed).

    Anyway...just another double standard.

    With that said and to echo what others have said. Sex and physical intimacy is absolutely an important component to a relationship. To downplay that as frivolous is absurd to me. I could not, not, not, not live in a relationship that was sexless.

    Counseling may be an option, but for couple's counseling to be effective, you both have to see what's going on as an issue (she clearly does not) and furthermore want help and want to work on improving the issue.
     
    #15 Fleur, Jan 16, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2011
  16. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    Sad to hear of the problem my friend. One of the things that takes place as we age is changes in our hormone levels. What you and your wife are experiencing is extremely common. The first thing is that your wife needs to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Your wife is right to the extent that relationships are based on more than sex. I have seen numerous bed ends to situations like this and on two levels. In you, the end of sex often causes depression which leads to either sex outside the relationship OR to a loss in libido yourself. In males this can over time cause and is a major contributor to BPH (prostate enlargement). I realize that getting your wife into the MD may not be easy. It also takes an MD who cares and is not out to just collect a paycheck. Get the wife to have a physical because often this is something that can be treated and she needs to understand that her feelings may have a medical cause. She needs to be honest and critical of herself enough to make certain that she rules out any medical cause and any hidden psychiatric or emotional cause. It is also common for women entering menopause to have radical changes in their sexual desire. You need to ask yourself questions and your wife enough to determine if a medical cause is even a maybe here. . . . . .

    Good Luck
     
  17. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    Count me in among the women here that are in this situation. Avg-dick, I feel for you and hope that whatever road you and your wife take ends positively for you both. My husband has told me that he thinks he has a testosterone problem because he just isn't interested. After many serious talks about this he still doesn't seem compelled to do anything about it. It's not only affected how I feel about our marriage, but how I feel about myself. He's very content to remain this way and I am not, so this won't end well. While I miss the sex, it's the lack of intimacy that is hurts the most. Avg-dick, I hope your wife sees the light and you can work this out. Good luck.
     
  18. sexplease

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    marriage is a contract. If she is no longer willing or desires or wants to uphold her end of part of that bargain, go get what you need elsewhere.
    Just don't bring cooties or crabs home. Period.
     
    #18 sexplease, Jan 17, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2011
  19. LaFemme

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    I'm going to weigh in and add my vote for counseling. Also, if she is menopausal or even perimenopausal - she could be lacking testosterone or something else.

    Certainly, there is more to a relationship than sex. There are lots of bricks in the wall of a marriage - children, trust, fidelity, respect etc; but sex is the mortar that holds those bricks together. And 50 is way too young to throw sex out the window!

    I know you're not looking for answers. I know some of the previous posters say that "women don't get it". Well, this woman does. I have been cut off before - by a man. He just didn't want to do it anymore. I remember lying in bed with a man that I loved beyond all reason, dying inside because I wanted him to touch me - but he wouldn't. He was just done with it. A bed never seemed so big and with every day, the chill in our home grew until my heart froze. The relationship ended.

    I think we all deserve to be wanted - not only as people, but as sexual beings who need to be touched, held and pleasured. So I send you my best and hope that this works out.
     
  20. Boondocksaints

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    I understand hormonal changes can affect sex drive, but I don't understand the lack of need for hugs and affection so abruptly.

    Maybe she has met another man? If this is the case, she will be in the fog of the other relationship and not want any kind of physical/mental stimulation from you.
     
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