Put On Notice: NO MORE SEX

[EmJay]

A friend of mine is 50, started a new life in the Philippines with a young 27 year old wife. Not saying that you have to do this..just saying that you are still too young to settle for this bulshit.

I am sorry..but i have never experienced any kind of crazy shit like this or heard from from South American women (like myself..only raised and live in Europe)...always these type of stories from white men.. I have many white girlfriends and almost all have stated some type of indifference sexually when they were in longterm relationships at some point. So I don't know if you are white..but it sure sounds like it to me.

Get yourself a lover if you don't feel like cutting up your life or possesions in half. just because you have many years behind in your marriage doesnt mean you need to accept this shit. Marriage with no sex..no intimacy whatsoever isn't a marriage at all. You are roommates now..straight and simple.

I feel for you..but you are not a victim here either. My guess is that you have been satisfying her needs constantly, and she has been taking you for granted. Constantly catering to her needs, can make a woman feel she has the one up on you. Especially when she clearly does not do the same in return.

Next..I hate to burst a bubble here. But no woman that truly enjoys having sex with her man, gives up on it that easily. Just not so. Guess she most likely has not been as honest with you as you might think. whether its hormonal or she has just lost interest in you (due to lack of respect or whatever)..doesnt matter. She looks like she doesnt want to do anything about that.

I respect that you just want to vent...well hope that helped. But i feel its sad when i see other's expecting so little from life and the people they share it with..

 

[CapAmerica]

To the OP...you're not only ...I'm in a similar situation. She just doesn't care nor show interest, no matter what I do (and I do A LOT). I've been dealing with this for a few years now...it's getting tiring and emotionally draining. Best of luck.

 

[B_subgirrl]

This is definitely insulting. Being a woman with a very high sex drive and being in the same place as avg-dick, I'd have to say I do 'get it'. You don't have to be a man to be on the wrong side of a sexless relationship.

Couldn't have said it better myself. By the last year of my last LTR, the sex was down to once every three months. I still wanted it - badly. He didn't. The frequency of physical affection dropped significantly as well, although there was more than it sounds like the OP is getting.

OP, I think you need to decide how important sex is to you, and if you could cope with staying in a sexless relationship permanently. Either way, the pair of you could still spend some time exploring medical and psychological reasons for your wife's lack of desire for you, but what if they don't produce results? How long are you willing to wait for results?

 

[Seogra]

...........

Certainly, there is more to a relationship than sex. There are lots of bricks in the wall of a marriage - children, trust, fidelity, respect etc; but sex is the mortar that holds those bricks together. And 50 is way too young to throw sex out the window!
..........

Children - result of sex and not necessary to a relationship or marriage(gay marriage? infertile straights?)
Trust - no different than I would have with a best friend
Fidelity - as in sexual fidelity?
Respect - no different than I would have with a best friend


Sex is the only thing that separates a best friend and a partner. If one partner isn't interested in sex, and isn't interested in taking proactive steps to correct that problem, they have reduced themselves to best friend, or worse if the initial reasons for the bond were more based on sex than a personal connection.

 

[BlackIsKingSize]

Sad to hear of the problem my friend. One of the things that takes place as we age is changes in our hormone levels. What you and your wife are experiencing is extremely common. The first thing is that your wife needs to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Your wife is right to the extent that relationships are based on more than sex. I have seen numerous bed ends to situations like this and on two levels. In you, the end of sex often causes depression which leads to either sex outside the relationship OR to a loss in libido yourself. In males this can over time cause and is a major contributor to BPH (prostate enlargement). I realize that getting your wife into the MD may not be easy. It also takes an MD who cares and is not out to just collect a paycheck. Get the wife to have a physical because often this is something that can be treated and she needs to understand that her feelings may have a medical cause. She needs to be honest and critical of herself enough to make certain that she rules out any medical cause and any hidden psychiatric or emotional cause. It is also common for women entering menopause to have radical changes in their sexual desire. You need to ask yourself questions and your wife enough to determine if a medical cause is even a maybe here. . . . . .

Good Luck

To add to that, it can go in the opposite direction too. Sometimes depression will cause a lack of interest in intimacy and shunning the people want to show you love. She could be going through depression or other emotional turmoil and be isolating herself. She might not even be aware of what's causing it. Still another reason to suggest couple's counseling. But even if she won't do that it'd be worth it for you to seek counseling or learned advice for yourself. Don't just let the situation wreak havoc on your emotions.

 

[helgaleena]

Dear avg_dick,I hope all these outpourings helped.
1) This situation is a symptom of a larger problem, and it's primarily hers on one level but also both of yours on other levels because anything to impact your marriage is necessarily shared. You have got to do something, both of you, and not let it stay like this.
2) It's neither fair nor healthy for you as an individual to put up with this lack of sex indefinitely, but infidelity by you is not the only solution. Whatever the solution is, your wife has a right to know about as long as she remains your wife. Consider her as having an illness whose symptoms are both lack of desire and emotional coldness, likely depression. She must want to get better, or she must leave the situation. Infidelity also can cause her symptoms, so bear that possibility in mind too.
3) If either of you decides that you cannot fix the problem together, gracefully evolve. But I hope that she is not going to think she can blithely issue you an ultimatum and do none of the accommodating, even as you too would willingly accommodate her as you say you have in the past.

 

[Drifterwood]

There are maybe four outcomes:

Resolution through counselling, though I have to say that I have never heard of this nor does anyone who ever advises it give examples of it working. I am more than hapy to be proved wrong. I have heard of marriages turning round through a mutual commitment to communication.

Divorce. I know many couples where this has been the outcome.

Unhappiness. Again, I know men and women in this boat.

Affairs. TBH I know mainly women who have taken this option, because I have had the affairs with them. They remain to my knowledge otherwise happily married.

 

[87chris1987]

We just reached the point where our kids are out of the house, (college etc), so our time is to ourselves. I keep myself fit and clean , am well respected at my job, live in an upscale community, and am a very level headed person.

Now the mood in our house is cold and distant. We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine. There is no touching, no affection nor kissing. We're only 50 ! Do I have to live the rest of my married life like this ? I refuse to.
Not looking for answers just venting....

These quotes alone are more than enough reason to go to counseling. Lack of sex matters, but any relationship that fits the above description is dying.

 

[RawDog]

Lots of good advice thus far, but rather than agreeing with everything point by point, a couple of things not mentioned.

As someone who's been in sexless relationships and gone through counseling, something to consider is your level of communication. If there are issues that seem to get "stuck" between the two of you, then by all means go see a counselor. If things need to be said, and one isn't willing to say it clearly enough, or if the other person is just too stubborn to hear it properly, then go to counseling. What counseling won't do is find a solution to a problem that's been properly discussed. If you two have grown out of the common priorities you once had, and can't or won't re-jiggle them back in the same order, then there really is no hope in prolonging the agony.

After the second sexless relationship, one matra that got me out of a lot more disfunctional shit is this question; If nothing changes for the next 20 years, will I be happy?

Never count on the other person changing for you to be happy, be the change in your life to be happy.

One more note; I have seen more women in unhappy sexless relationships than men.

 

[PerfectlySexy]

Plenty of men and women are in unhappy sexless relationships. I'm not going to counter the call for counselling but I think a lot of people simply refuse to accept when a relationship is over. And if it's over no amount of counseling is going to make things work again. So be honest with yourself about whether the relationship is done. If you feel it's not then do the counseling thing and try to find a path back to being happy. It does happen, but less often than many would have you believe. Also spend some time thinking about life without your wife in the current place in your life. The transition might be one of the most difficult and painful things you ever do, but you might both be a lot happier on the other side than you will continuing on for 20 years as you are now.

</devilsadvocate>

I wanted to add, having just finished reading Sex At Dawn, I think an interesting notion is that a couple can become so familiar with one another they trigger the biological impulses against having sex with family members. So an unconventional therapy for an ailing relationship might be spending a significant time apart. Allowing such time to include sex with other people might be good too.

</unconventialadvice>

 

[B_625girth]

pretty much the same boat here. wife had her "plumbing" out a few yrs ago, and for awhile our sex life was pretty good, no pregnancy worry. but I guess a hormonal imbalance made the wife wacky. finally went to the doctor, she refuses hormonal therapy. her interest waned. when we did have sex, it was so seldom, I would blow a big load prematurely. she didn't seem to mind sucking me hard again, so that was nice. but it all kept happening more infrequently. I started having some ED problems at times. then I definitely had an ED problem along with BP problem. so the doc got my BP under control, and gave me some ED drugs, and they worked. I was quite happy. on the other hand, the wife was not, said "we are too old for sex." I let it go for a few months.

Last summer, I told her it was important to me as a man to make love to my wife, that I had been pleasuring women with my big cock since I was 16, long before I met her(she already knew all of this). She agreed that I was a good lover, and could see my viewpoint. I thought maybe we would see our way to the bedroom that afternoon, but no. it took a couple days to get there, and she was totally disinterested. I am not a disgusting old man either, late 50's fit and slender, no pot belly, look 10 yrs younger than my age. She on the other hand is quite overweight, which I am very careful not too mention. in fact, one cannot critize my wife without fearing for your life. she has never been wrong. just ask her.

and an incident last summer, makes me wonder if I have an ED problem at all or simply put, my wife doesn't turn me on anymore. I had a few drinks one evening, and a lady friend about 20 yrs my junior was enjoying an evening out. we ran into each other, addl drinks and chit chat. we wound up outside, having a smoke, flirting, arm in arm, a light embrace, slight kiss on the lips, followed by a longer kiss. my cock popped rock hard and rubbed against her. she reached down & felt it thru my shorts. "I want you, but you are married." she said. not the first time she has said that. but it was the first time for any physical intimacy outside of a slight kiss.

so it's a real catch 22, I still love my wife, the mother of my children. I took marital vows.

at the same time, I'm still a capable, well hung, late 50's man. and don't want to spend the next and my last 20 yrs jacking off.

 

[JessePee]

I say hold out for as long as you can, try and put some more spice back into the relationship. See if she doesn't come back around and want to start having sex. If she doesn't then do what you feel you need to...

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I want/need to be touched and offer myself to someone. Has anyone else been in this position ?

Yeah.
Almost the exact same position...

Sex with the SO tapered off to nothing... three years went by... me doing everything I could just to get her interested again... getting in shape, romancing her... nothing worked.

She wasn't even 50... what was worse, when pressed, she would not even admit to having lost interest in sex. ( she was one of those women who can never accept that anything is her fault or due to her )

No hugging, no cuddling, no kissing....

Over that 3 years the relationship became more of a roommate arrangement than anything else...

So, I broke it off... told her if she didn't want a love relationship, that I did not have to live the few years remaining to me like I was already dead.

I went out in the world and I found a wonderful woman, one whose fires of passion have not shut down and who appreciates an attentive and giving lover.

And I have to say that, even tho we are both 50, that she is the best time I have ever had between the sheets... wildly surpassing every woman I ever bedded in their 20s or 30s or 40s.

I would say don't put up with a life without affection. Touch is important, and for men, it factors directly into their longevity.
If she don't want you anymore... go find a good woman who craves contact with a good man.

 

[helgaleena]

so it's a real catch 22, I still love my wife, the mother of my children. I took marital vows.

at the same time, I'm still a capable, well hung, late 50's man. and don't want to spend the next and my last 20 yrs jacking off.

How would you feel about jacking off while your wife was there? Would that be any better for you?

The marital vows you took mean your sex life is shared and a two person deal, for better or worse. You are NOT too old for sex, but she hasn't got a sex drive anymore. She still however needs to take some interest in your happiness. Whatever you decide to do, do it with full discussion with her so she can't say at some future time that you were hiding things she has a right to know and have a say on.

 

[DeepDish]

Another vote for looking into hormonal issues before taking drastic steps.

Some women lose their libido when they go through/are going through menopause.

 

[helgaleena]

As one also going through 'the change', I need to say that it sometimes kills your sex drive, but not for everyone! I have been enjoying sex a lot more since it happened, actually...

But I also have to mention that I stayed for seven long years in a sexless relationship, simply due to the cuddling. If there had been no cuddling it would have been over in a heartbeat. No hugs? Unacceptable. Fix this.

 

[LaFemme]

As one also going through 'the change', I need to say that it sometimes kills your sex drive, but not for everyone! I have been enjoying sex a lot more since it happened.

I agree - I've been perimenopausal for over a year and my drive has really increased. But I guess the hormone changes hit us all differently.

 

[SprinkleMe69]

For her to put you on notice like that, something is really going on with her. Could be hormonal, or something even deeper. Hope you two find your way back to each other. Never give up.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

I would have stayed with mine, had she been able to simply admit that she wasn't interested anymore...
been able to discuss some accommodation that we could both live with...

But she decided to blame me for her lack of interest,



However, Helga, I have to beg to differ on the issue of a "shared" sex life.
That is not the marriage contract at all.

One person in the deal does not get to make a unilateral decision to deny the other person an aspect of living that is important and meaningful to them.

As a man, I entered into that contract with the promise of life long affection and intimacy.

That is what Better or worse means... not to suffer the abuse and dismissal of your mate, but to brave the travails of life by clinging to each other.
When one partner decides, entirely on their own, that they are done with all that... and moreover, when they refuse to make any effort to address or remedy the situation... then that is an abrogation of the marital contract.

In the original vows, the wife promises to cleave. There is no promise made that the man will hold himself sexless if she decides she is done with cleaving.


For women, marriage is about security.
For men, marriage is about the woman.... we enter into it because holding you, touching you, caressing you, is all we ever dream of... we have an aching need to be inside of you, to feel you surround us...

The OPs wife wants him to hold up his end of the bargain while she reneges on her end of the bargain.

Often, it seems, I hear how men's needs in this regard are 'base' and 'disgusting' and 'objectifying' and all other kinds of adjectives devaluing everything that matters to men and meaning to imply that what women want out of relationship is somehow more vaunted.

It isn't.

Men want romance. They want to feel you melt in their arms. That is all they want. men will walk away from all they have built, just to have that feeling of a woman's desire for them.
We are in it for that contact and closeness with you... everything else is incidental.

 

[clav2]

Married 27 years here; sex pretty much stopped 24 years ago, after our daughter was born.