Put On Notice: NO MORE SEX

[DeepDish]

I agree - I've been perimenopausal for over a year and my drive has really increased. But I guess the hormone changes hit us all differently.

Terrific!

The study I saw said about 20 to 30% of those surveyed reported no libido. I wish I could remember where I read it, I'll keep googling.

 

[molotovmuffin]

Terrific!

The study I saw said about 20 to 30% of those surveyed reported no libido. I wish I could remember where I read it, I'll keep googling.

I have to say that my libido went into over drive with menopause...now I just need someone who can keep up...pun intended:wink:

 

[helgaleena]

I would have stayed with mine, had she been able to simply admit that she wasn't interested anymore...
been able to discuss some accommodation that we could both live with...

But she decided to blame me for her lack of interest,



However, Helga, I have to beg to differ on the issue of a "shared" sex life.
That is not the marriage contract at all.

One person in the deal does not get to make a unilateral decision to deny the other person an aspect of living that is important and meaningful to them.

Phil I think you are mis-reading or else I didn't clearly state-- saying it is a two person contract means neither partner gets to make such unilateral declarations. OP says he received such a declaration, and he has no call to abide by it because it is inherently unfair to him. That he even agreed to it says how accommodating he has been up to this point. That can't continue. Negotiate, negotiate. Do not simply accept.

 

[helgaleena]

Married 27 years here; sex pretty much stopped 24 years ago, after our daughter was born.

How did you handle this?

 

[BayAreaGuy]

at the same time, I'm still a capable, well hung, late 50's man. and don't want to spend the next and my last 20 yrs jacking off.

This post makes me so sad. We in the gay community rarely have to deal with this. As a gay man with a partner of 20 years who's 20 years older than me, I still have the same active, fun, satisfying sex life I always have with him. He's very, very well hung and has never had any problems with ED or lack of prowess. Neither of us have.

I think, as two men, we are lucky in that we don't have to deal with all that hormonal bullshit that drives women nuts after 50, and wreaks havoc on their sex drive, their personalities, and their bodies. We're still in very good shape, but nearly every woman I know (and most of my friends are middle-aged women) is obese or nearing it. After they have kids and hysterectomies, they just give up.

I wish every straight man could just find a nice young gay boy who'll give him head every now and then. It beats (pun intended) jacking off every day! : )

 

[BayAreaGuy]

I have to say that my libido went into over drive with menopause...now I just need someone who can keep up...pun intended:wink:

Your libido will increase at first, then go into an up and down flux, and then maintain at a lower rate (zero for about 1/4 of women).

A Woman's Guide to Reviving Sex Drive

 

[BayAreaGuy]

- One person in the deal does not get to...
- That is what Better or worse means...
- ...then that is an abrogation of the marital contract...
- For women, marriage is about security....
- For men, marriage is about the woman....
- Men want romance....
- We are in it for...
- ...everything else is incidental.

You might want to alter your post to include that it's YOUR opinion of what marriage means, what men want, and what women owe their partners.

You make a lot of unequivocal statements about those things that you seem to be claiming applies in a universal way, and that's not true. Women and men may "tend" to act/want/etc. in the ways you described, but I think you're allowing your own religious and social beliefs (as well as your personal experiences) to cloud your judgment of heterosexual relationships.

 

[D_vnvmdnd]

Wow, many great posts and responses. I've enjoyed reading them. I agree with the suggestions that involve:

1. Medical/physical exam to see if there is a medical issue (has she changed or been put on any medications recently?)

2. Counseling to address her decision to give you an ultimatum rather than try to work something out and to address the no hugging/touching. Has she always been bossy and prone to giving ultimatums?

If she refuses the above would you feel comfortable having a discussion with her about where she sees your marriage going?

Found this doing a google search and hope it's okay to post:

Physical causes
A wide range of illnesses, physical changes and medications can cause a low sex drive, including:

• Sexual problems. If you experience pain during sex (dyspareunia) or inability to orgasm (anorgasmia), it can hamper your desire for sex.
• Medical diseases. Numerous nonsexual diseases can also affect desire for sex, including arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and neurological diseases. Infertility also can contribute to low sex drive, even after infertility treatments are over.
• Medications. Many prescription medications — including antidepressants, blood pressure medications and chemotherapy drugs — are notorious libido killers. Antihistamines also can diminish your sex drive.
• Alcohol and drugs. A glass of wine may make you feel amorous, but too much alcohol can spoil your sex drive; the same is true of street drugs.
• Surgery. Any surgery related to your breasts or your genital tract can affect your body image, function and desire for sex.
• Fatigue. The exhaustion of caring for aging parents or young children can contribute to low sex drive.

Hormone changes
Changes in your hormone levels may change your desire for sex:

• Menopause. Estrogen helps maintain the health of your vaginal tissues and your interest in sex. But estrogen levels drop during the transition to menopause, which can cause a double whammy — decreased interest in sex and dryer vaginal tissues, resulting in painful or uncomfortable sex. At the same time, women may also experience a decrease in the hormone testosterone, which boosts sex drive in men and women alike. Although many women continue to have satisfying sex during menopause and beyond, some women experience a lagging libido during this hormonal change.
• Pregnancy and breast-feeding. Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and during breast-feeding can put a damper on sex drive. Of course, hormones aren't the only factor affecting intimacy during these times. Fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of carrying — or caring for — a new baby can all contribute to changes in your sexual desire.

Psychological causes
Your problems don't have to be physical or biological to be real. There are many psychological causes of low sex drive, including:

• Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression
• Stress, such as financial stress or work stress
• Poor body image
• Low self-esteem
• History of physical or sexual abuse

Relationship issues
For many women, emotional closeness is an essential prelude to sexual intimacy. So problems in your relationship can be a major factor in low sex drive. Decreased interest in sex is often a result of ongoing issues, such as:

• Lack of connection with your partner
• Unresolved conflicts or fights
• Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences
• Infidelity or breach of trust

 

[molotovmuffin]

Your libido will increase at first, then go into an up and down flux, and then maintain at a lower rate (zero for about 1/4 of women).

A Woman's Guide to Reviving Sex Drive

Thank you for your well informed and thoughtful post... You appear to be quite the expert on women's health issues:wink:

 

[helgaleena]

Thank you for your well informed and thoughtful post... You appear to be quite the expert on women's health issues:wink:

:grumpy: YMMV. I don't like being told how to be myself by someone else who thinks I must accept no sex in future.

 

[FuzzyKen]

The more I read on this one the sadder it becomes for me. In relationships, I think that we all have high and low points. I know that this happens with me and it is variable based on stress from other aspects of life.

My problem here is the general condemnation of the physical needs of another person without consideration for that other person.

Sorry gals, in the females of the human species I have seen a great deal of this.

There is an old saying and it applies to both men and women. That saying is: "Use it or lose it!" There is truth to it over time, because of the other after affects it causes.

If there were a known medical reason to deny intercourse then I would have a different opinion, but there is just way too much here that indicates something far deeper going on.

It is true that relationships are not based on sex, and I agree with that, but, to treat intimacy with the same importance as adding or deleting something from a grocery list is not acceptable to me. Go on a vacation where both are supposed to have a good time and relax, then make an announcement or "proclamation" offering no discussion or anything else on the subject. Again not acceptable behavior.

This is a matter for two medical professionals:

1.) A reproductive endocrinologist first to investigate physical issues.

2.) If the medical pro finds nothing a psychiatrist should be next on the list because there is something not being told here.

My guess is that the wife will absolutely refuse either of the above and not care if the relationship ends if she does not get her way.

In all honesty, this is a really tough one. A relationship is made up of two people not one. It is based on both love and communication.

Again, in the meanwhile, don't let it destroy your own physical function. Keep that hand going and the lube stock prices soaring. You are entitled to have some enjoyment in your life.

Remember that your love life is only over if you allow it to be. . . . .

 

[Daisy]

I havent read all of the responses but as someone who is getting a divorce I see it as the beginning of the end. When the wife cuts off sex it's kind of the last straw. I used to get so upset when people would suggest "date night" and other assorted trivial bullshit. It's not that she doesnt want sex, it's that she doesn't want sex with YOU for whatever reason. You're not going to change this by buying flowers or doing the dishes. If you really want to save the marriage you either get counseling or file for divorce because when things shut down like that...you're pretty much done.

 

[molotovmuffin]

:grumpy: YMMV. I don't like being told how to be myself by someone else who thinks I must accept no sex in future.

Especially by someone who never has or never will go threw what I have.

BayAreaGuy, I know my body way more than some stupid article does. Then you had to criticize someone else's point of view. WFT dude...?

Oh and for the record when I said

Thank you for your well informed and thoughtful post... You appear to be quite the expert on women's health issues:wink:

I really meant...Fuck you.

 

[Daisy]

PS Another hot button for me is when you want no sex whatsoever from your husband and everyone is trying to give you testosterone gel, or put you on Chinese herbs or tell you to light candles..I mean it's really as if all women are totally defective if they dont want to put out. I was brainwashed into thinking there was something really wrong with me, and then I separated from him and proceeded to have insane, swinging from the chandelier sex with my new boyfriend, even though I was told (by him) sure just wait, you'll be telling him you have headaches every night, and yet over a year and a half later I think I've said no to sex exactly once. My point is, there is likely nothing wrong with her vagina, her hormones or her brain. She's more then likely just done with the marriage. Sorry if that sounds cynical but a woman who really loves her husband doesnt just say "NO SEX". she says "gee my libido seems really low, I don't know whats going on, I'm going to see if there's something going on with my hormones" or whatever. Saying "sorry dude you're cut off, deal with it"..that woman is done!

 

[Drifterwood]

Sorry if that sounds cynical but a woman who really loves her husband doesnt just say "NO SEX". she says "gee my libido seems really low, I don't know whats going on, I'm going to see if there's something going on with my hormones" or whatever. Saying "sorry dude you're cut off, deal with it"..that woman is done!

I think you are talking a lot of sense, Seaside.

I was talking about this with a woman friend the other day, because a mutual friend is having a tough divorce. Her view was that women don't have a 7 year itch, or even a three year itch, but two years.

She can't talk for all women I presume, but her point was that women generally have a different attitude and experience to sex in LTR's. I explained Phil's point to her and she accepted that if people want a relationship to work long time, they both have to put out for the other, which is why I agree with what you say.

 

[B_New End]

PS Another hot button for me is when you want no sex whatsoever from your husband and everyone is trying to give you testosterone gel, or put you on Chinese herbs or tell you to light candles..I mean it's really as if all women are totally defective if they dont want to put out. I was brainwashed into thinking there was something really wrong with me, and then I separated from him and proceeded to have insane, swinging from the chandelier sex with my new boyfriend, even though I was told (by him) sure just wait, you'll be telling him you have headaches every night, and yet over a year and a half later I think I've said no to sex exactly once. My point is, there is likely nothing wrong with her vagina, her hormones or her brain. She's more then likely just done with the marriage. Sorry if that sounds cynical but a woman who really loves her husband doesnt just say "NO SEX". she says "gee my libido seems really low, I don't know whats going on, I'm going to see if there's something going on with my hormones" or whatever. Saying "sorry dude you're cut off, deal with it"..that woman is done!

+1

It's over dude. For both of you. She wants dick, just not yours. and now that you know this, the feeling should be mutual. Move on.

I used to get so upset when people would suggest "date night" and other assorted trivial bullshit.

LoL me too. It's so silly. It might work a week or two, but come on.

 

[B_New End]

One person in the deal does not get to make a unilateral decision to deny the other person an aspect of living that is important and meaningful to them.

actually, they do. See, if she dun wanna fuck ya, she dun wanna fuck ya, and there is no rule that says she has ta fuck ya.

As a man, I entered into that contract with the promise of life long affection and intimacy.

Speak for yourself, "man". And that's not in the marriage vows, it's not on the paper contract, and if it were I would never even consider one.

If sex is ever considered in contractual terms, it's over. she doesn't owe you anything. No wife owes her man sex. entitlement is a turn off.

For women, marriage is about security.
For men, marriage is about the woman.... we enter into it because holding you, touching you, caressing you, is all we ever dream of... we have an aching need to be inside of you, to feel you surround us...

WTF is all this nonsense? LoL!!

The OPs wife wants him to hold up his end of the bargain while she reneges on her end of the bargain.

It ain't a bargain, son.

goddammit, how many times do I have to explain this?

CHICKS LOVE DICK!!! They aren't doing you a fucking favor. You are doing them a favor... no wait, you both are doing each other a favor. If she doesn't want your dick... *you* fucked up!

Men want romance. They want to feel you melt in their arms. That is all they want. men will walk away from all they have built, just to have that feeling of a woman's desire for them.

Men with no self-respect, you mean.

We are in it for that contact and closeness with you... everything else is incidental.

again, speak for yourself, please.

 

[blkbro510]

Now I'm going to sound crazy asking this but are there such a thing as a sexless marriage? Even though a partner is obligated to have sex with the more sexualize partner, so is it okay for that person to go outside the marriage to seek sexual attention? And is it cheating when you are not even telling your partner about it or feel like its not he or her business.

Then how do you keep the marriage strong after having sex with other people (more perplexing do you have emotional detached with folks out side your marriage)


I'm single, so I'm not giving no advice but from reading all the comments I'm left some questions of my own, cause married folks don't tell us single folks much on what really happening.

Please and thank you

actually, they do. See, if she dun wanna fuck ya, she dun wanna fuck ya, and there is no rule that says she has ta fuck ya.

Speak for yourself, "man". And that's not in the marriage vows, it's not on the paper contract, and if it were I would never even consider one.

If sex is ever considered in contractual terms, it's over. she doesn't owe you anything. No wife owes her man sex. entitlement is a turn off.

WTF is all this nonsense? LoL!!

It ain't a bargain, son.

goddammit, how many times do I have to explain this?

CHICKS LOVE DICK!!! They aren't doing you a fucking favor. You are doing them a favor... no wait, you both are doing each other a favor. If she doesn't want your dick... *you* fucked up!
Men with no self-respect, you mean.

again, speak for yourself, please.

 

[joeweekend]

Tell her you're thinking of taking a lover. You don't have to specify gender.

See what happens.

 

[NumberTwentySix]

It's not elegant or sensitive, but have you tried just flat insisting that she put out?