Put On Notice: NO MORE SEX

Luvhmlrg

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At 50 she is most likely menopausal and her lack of hormones are not only affecting her sex drive but also many other areas of her life. After the WHI study came out several years ago and linked synthetic hormones to cancer and heart disease many women and doctors shy away from them. But all is not lost, if she is willing to consider Bio-Identical HRT. She can not only increase her sexual desire, but her sense of well being as well. Have her read the books 'The Sexy Years' and 'Ageless' by Suzanne Somers.
I would encourage you to talk with her and tell her how feel. Many women and men are affected by changing hormones, they just don't what or how to do anything about it.
 

D_Sigmund Fockbuddy

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That's right, my wife informed me while on vacation (of all places) that she no longer desired sex ! Things in the bedroom haved slowed down over the years, but we still enjoyed each other.

I replied to her that part of any relationship should be physical, her response was "there is more in a relationship than sex." I'm a do anything in bed kind of guy, all she had to do wass ask and I did it. I would always think of her needs first and whether or not she was being pleased, and 90% of the time she was. ( She doesn't fake orgasms )

We just reached the point where our kids are out of the house, (college etc), so our time is to ourselves. I keep myself fit and clean , am well respected at my job, live in an upscale community, and am a very level headed person.

Now the mood in our house is cold and distant. We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine. There is no touching, no affection nor kissing. We're only 50 ! Do I have to live the rest of my married life like this ? I refuse to.

I'm not a good liar and cheating is not part of my makeup...but jerking off is getting old. I want/need to be touched and offer myself to someone. Has anyone else been in this position ?

Not looking for answers just venting....

You have every right to seek affection, as long as you tell her what you need. BTW this will help:

"Its not that your wife no longer desires sex, its that she no longer desires sex with you."

Sincerely good luck with your dilemma
 

Daisy

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Now I'm going to sound crazy asking this but are there such a thing as a sexless marriage? Even though a partner is obligated to have sex with the more sexualize partner, so is it okay for that person to go outside the marriage to seek sexual attention? And is it cheating when you are not even telling your partner about it or feel like its not he or her business.

Then how do you keep the marriage strong after having sex with other peopl
e

You dont!!




As soon as I wanted to have sex outside of the marriage I knew the marriage was over.

Oh and when she doesn't have any desire to change the fact that she doesnt want to have sex with you..it's over.
 
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Drifterwood

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Sorry, I was a bit busy earlier.

My woman friend was making a point about the Chandelier Sex Phase (thank you Seaside I like that one). For her it lasted for two years, it may be longer for some women, it may never happen for others.

Women may then adjust to their own different sexual criteria within an LTR, I don't know, I am not a woman, but the major problem for men it seems, is that this chandelier phase defines the sexual bond. It isn't easy to downgrade and downgrade and downgrade to finally where the OP is.

I may start a thread in the Women's section to see how long women have maintained the chandelier stage in an LTR. It may not make for comfortable reading to the guys.
 

BS76

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That's right, my wife informed me while on vacation (of all places) that she no longer desired sex ! Things in the bedroom haved slowed down over the years, but we still enjoyed each other.

I replied to her that part of any relationship should be physical, her response was "there is more in a relationship than sex." I'm a do anything in bed kind of guy, all she had to do wass ask and I did it. I would always think of her needs first and whether or not she was being pleased, and 90% of the time she was. ( She doesn't fake orgasms )

We just reached the point where our kids are out of the house, (college etc), so our time is to ourselves. I keep myself fit and clean , am well respected at my job, live in an upscale community, and am a very level headed person.

Now the mood in our house is cold and distant. We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine. There is no touching, no affection nor kissing. We're only 50 ! Do I have to live the rest of my married life like this ? I refuse to.

I'm not a good liar and cheating is not part of my makeup...but jerking off is getting old. I want/need to be touched and offer myself to someone. Has anyone else been in this position ?

Not looking for answers just venting....


Her not performing her wifely duty is grounds for divorce. Seriously, many states in the US have that listed among their qualifications for an "at fault" divorce. It's right up there with domestic abuse or committing a felony as grounds for divorce. Withholding sex is that serious.
 

Daisy

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Now I'm going to sound crazy asking this but are there such a thing as a sexless marriage? Even though a partner is obligated to have sex with the more sexualize partner, so is it okay for that person to go outside the marriage to seek sexual attention? And is it cheating when you are not even telling your partner about it or feel like its not he or her business.

Then how do you keep the marriage strong after having sex with other people (more perplexing do you have emotional detached with folks out side your marriage)


I'm single, so I'm not giving no advice but from reading all the comments I'm left some questions of my own, cause married folks don't tell us single folks much on what really happening.

Please and thank you

Sorry, I was a bit busy earlier.

My woman friend was making a point about the Chandelier Sex Phase (thank you Seaside I like that one). For her it lasted for two years, it may be longer for some women, it may never happen for others.

Women may then adjust to their own different sexual criteria within an LTR, I don't know, I am not a woman, but the major problem for men it seems, is that this chandelier phase defines the sexual bond. It isn't easy to downgrade and downgrade and downgrade to finally where the OP is.

I may start a thread in the Women's section to see how long women have maintained the chandelier stage in an LTR. It may not make for comfortable reading to the guys.

But you see thats a good point. The Chandelier Phase actually does fade a little with time, of course. I mean it has to. A lot of sexual attraction is novelty. Have you ever noticed that you may see a porn clip and go 'WHOA, that's the hottest thing ever!" and then 2 weeks later you're bored with it? We are always searching for the next thrill.

Relationships require CONSTANT work. You have to stay sexual, you have to stay in touch, communicate, be kind to each other and never stop trying. I am not making the same mistakes with my BF that I've made in the past. I make sure that we have sex daily and lots of other stuff, oral, hand jobs etc because I want to stay in the sex zone and not drift too far into companionship mode. Sure things slow down and you begin to spend more time doing other things but you have to work on keeping your mind and your body connected sexually.

So how long does it last? It lasts as long as both people are working on making it last.
 

Daisy

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Her not performing her wifely duty is grounds for divorce. Seriously, many states in the US have that listed among their qualifications for an "at fault" divorce. It's right up there with domestic abuse or committing a felony as grounds for divorce. Withholding sex is that serious.


I am in a state is disbelief. I seriously hope you're not married. Up there with FELONY? Give me a break!!! This is too outrageous to even dignify any kind of response.
 

D_Sigmund Fockbuddy

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I am in a state is disbelief. I seriously hope you're not married. Up there with FELONY? Give me a break!!! This is too outrageous to even dignify any kind of response.

Well he might be a bit hyperbolic, but wouldnt you agree that the prime reason to get married is to guarantee intimacy, and that once that's gone, then there's no point in staying married?
 

Daisy

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of course! Sex is a part of marriage but it's so ridiculous to say that if the woman doesnt put out it's the same as abuse. Let me spell it out for you..

one person wants sex, one doesn't means one person is invested in the marriage and one isn't. And lets be clear..he didnt say "la dee da life with my wife is great except for this one area..."..he said:

1.the mood in our house is cold and distant.
2.We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine.
3.There is no touching, no affection nor kissing


If you ask me this marriage is over, but people can keep guessing she's on her period or simplifying it in any number of ways but the bottom line is, there isn't much left once you get to this point.
 

B_New End

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I am not making the same mistakes with my BF that I've made in the past.

One of the great opportunities of divorce/breaking up.

You can analyze what you did wrong, and make the needed corrections for the next time.
 

molotovmuffin

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of course! Sex is a part of marriage but it's so ridiculous to say that if the woman doesnt put out it's the same as abuse. Let me spell it out for you..

one person wants sex, one doesn't means one person is invested in the marriage and one isn't. And lets be clear..he didnt say "la dee da life with my wife is great except for this one area..."..he said:

1.the mood in our house is cold and distant.
2.We don't talk, she does her thing and I do mine.
3.There is no touching, no affection nor kissing


If you ask me this marriage is over, but people can keep guessing she's on her period or simplifying it in any number of ways but the bottom line is, there isn't much left once you get to this point.
I'm in total agreement with seaside. Once the marriage got to this point, it was over.
 

Riven650

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I'm hoping the op will come back and comment further, but I felt I wanted to chip in at this point and say that 'it ain't over 'til it's over'. I do agree that he's in a desperately unhappy marriage, but I think he wouldn't have started the thread if he didn't want to find a way forward with his marriage. So where does that leave him?

A factor that is being overlooked by the people shouting here about: 'her wifely duties'; 'grounds for divorce'; 'this marriage is over', etc. is that it is not at all uncommon for married couples to end up in this position. I share your horror and I agree that no one should have to put up with it... But the facts are that MANY couples in long term relationships retreat into this 'armed truce' kind of stand off over sex and touching. What causes it is a combination of things: Often one of them disapproves of the other's behaviour, and displays the disapproval through withdrawal of affection. This is hurtful to both parties. In some cases it leads to separation, but many many couples choose to continue in the relationship because underneath it all they are so used to being together they prefer a sexless marriage to the daunting alternative of starting out again alone. If you're in a young relationship it's much much easier to move on if it isn't working, but if you have been together for 10, 20 or 30 years, have kids, etc. it's terribly difficult to do.

I come down on the side of the posters above who are lobbying the op to seek counsel. If the wife will come along too that would obviously be best. It sounds to me like she's in denial about 'the problem' and hopes he'll just get used to a downgraded, platonic-but-no-touching marriage. There is something that has caused her to become this frosty. They need to talk it out, and preferably with the help of a marriage guidance counsellor.
 

helgaleena

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Now I'm going to sound crazy asking this but are there such a thing as a sexless marriage? Even though a partner is obligated to have sex with the more sexualize partner, so is it okay for that person to go outside the marriage to seek sexual attention? And is it cheating when you are not even telling your partner about it or feel like its not he or her business.

There is such a thing as a sexless marriage if that is what both partners want.

The minute you go outside the marriage for sex and DO NOT let your partner know, that's cheating. Going outside the marriage for sex is NOT cheating if your partner okays it. That is instead known as an open relationship.

Marriage is merely a partnership which has been legalized. The reason it's called a partnership is because it's ideally managed by consensus. If there are rules, they are worked out between you.

And if any of the rules are 'unspoken', there is a great danger of one or the other getting hurt. The OP is getting hurt right now by an unspoken rut of doing whatever his spouse wants and not asserting his own human needs. Counseling and renegotiating is the only hope of keeping the partnership functioning.
 

DeepDish

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I come down on the side of the posters above who are lobbying the op to seek counsel. If the wife will come along too that would obviously be best. It sounds to me like she's in denial about 'the problem' and hopes he'll just get used to a downgraded, platonic-but-no-touching marriage. There is something that has caused her to become this frosty. They need to talk it out, and preferably with the help of a marriage guidance counsellor.
Well said, Riven. It would be a good way to get to the bottom of what's going on here.
 
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blkbro510

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WHOA! Damn



Her not performing her wifely duty is grounds for divorce. Seriously, many states in the US have that listed among their qualifications for an "at fault" divorce. It's right up there with domestic abuse or committing a felony as grounds for divorce. Withholding sex is that serious.
 

D_Andy_Whorewall

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Sorry I have not been back to my own post, business duties. I am overwhelmed by the responses and genuine caring for the most part from those who have posted. Many great views and I read some more than once. Seems like I'm not alone.

Well, menapausal is what she has stated. She recently had a Dr's appointment with lots of blood work done. Which is all well and good, who can make an arguement against that ? But there is more to the story.

Our last child went off to college in the fall and I was curious to see what her and I would do together at that point. As many couples do, we live through our children and we did through ours. We never made a life for ourselves, other than sex. I had a feeling once the kids were gone and the sex was gone our relationship would vanish, not that I wished it, but I had that feeling. Her world revolved around the kids, never me.

We don't share much at all, she dislikes what I like (cars,golf,movies,music,a night out at a good restaurant, small talk) and I don't show much interest in her likes. She goes out of her way to try to embarass me in front of others, mostly my boys and elderly father. I don't understand if she even realizes what she's doing or saying at times. So that creates a tense atmosphere,one I always dismiss in front of others not to embarass her or myself, but it eats at me.

I'm not a confrontational person, but I more than stand up for myself, never putting her down or humiliating her like she tries to me. So I go my own way and try to leave things be. I must admit, she is a great mother, in that regards I could have not have asked for better. As a life partner, I am disappointed.

I can live with the diminished sex, hell, last year we had sex 13 times, most of that was during the summer months. I'm not a sex-aholic. I want a relationship, someone to share my day/future/stryggles with. Right now I feel like I'm living with my sister.

Counseling ? If after 30 years together we can't blend, I don't know if counseling will help. We don't fight, never have. Maybe we should ! Divorce ? Now that the kids are out of the house, it would be easier to do so. Is living with a non-loving, sister like partner better than being alone ? Don't know.

I'm not the only one who goes through this and I'm not here making that claim. This site has been a great inspiration over the years, and as most previous posts have shown, our members are a caring and compassionate group. Just trying to sort this out.
 

D_Gunther Snotpole

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Her not performing her wifely duty is grounds for divorce. Seriously, many states in the US have that listed among their qualifications for an "at fault" divorce. It's right up there with domestic abuse or committing a felony as grounds for divorce. Withholding sex is that serious.

I am in a state is disbelief. I seriously hope you're not married. Up there with FELONY? Give me a break!!! This is too outrageous to even dignify any kind of response.

... it's so ridiculous to say that if the woman doesnt put out it's the same as abuse.

I can't read BS76's mind, but I don't think he's necessarily comparing "not performing wifely duties" with abuse or committing a felony ... except in a legal sense.
He's saying they're all legal grounds for seeking divorce, and presumably listed as such.
That's my guess as to his meaning.
 

D_Gunther Snotpole

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I had a feeling once the kids were gone and the sex was gone our relationship would vanish, not that I wished it, but I had that feeling. Her world revolved around the kids, never me.

We don't share much at all, she dislikes what I like (cars,golf,movies,music,a night out at a good restaurant, small talk) and I don't show much interest in her likes. She goes out of her way to try to embarrass me in front of others, mostly my boys and elderly father. I don't understand if she even realizes what she's doing or saying at times. So that creates a tense atmosphere,one I always dismiss in front of others not to embarrass her or myself, but it eats at me.

I'm not a confrontational person, but I more than stand up for myself, never putting her down or humiliating her like she tries to me. So I go my own way and try to leave things be. I must admit, she is a great mother, in that regards I could have not have asked for better. As a life partner, I am disappointed.

I can live with the diminished sex, hell, last year we had sex 13 times, most of that was during the summer months. I'm not a sex-aholic. I want a relationship, someone to share my day/future/struggles with. Right now I feel like I'm living with my sister.

Counseling ? If after 30 years together we can't blend, I don't know if counseling will help. We don't fight, never have. Maybe we should ! Divorce ? Now that the kids are out of the house, it would be easier to do so. Is living with a non-loving, sister like partner better than being alone ? Don't know.
None of this sounds good.
It doesn't sound like the relationship was ever offering what good relationships can. It doesn't sound like she wants to improve it. And it doesn't sound ... and here I'm guessing ... like you would have too hard a time building something better with another person, though there are no guarantees.
Maybe I should mind my own business, avg-dick.
But you sound like a very nice man and I get the feeling that you'll only find satisfaction with another person.
 

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The fact that you mentioned that she seems to go out of her way to embarrass you suggests that she feels resentful towards you for some reason. It sounds like there's something there that could be the root of the problem.

You mention that you have never fought. The Gottman Institute's data on marital happiness found that couples who do not fight are less likely to be happy than couples who do. That data doesn't suggest that people should go out and fight with their mates, but that couples who fight are working out their problems and solving them instead of just ignoring them and letting them fester and create walls.

Let me ask you, since what you've been doing hasn't worked in the past, why do you want to continue doing it that way? Sure, maybe counseling wouldn't work, but it might be worth the effort before you consider either getting divorced or living in a sexless marriage.

We haven't attended couples counseling, but we went to a weekend couples workshop by The Gottman Institute that was just wonderful. I loved that none of it involved telling our problems or issues to a counselor or revealing things in front of other couples. We were able to maintain complete and total privacy between us. It made things so much easier. Besides, it was only two days!

This is worth listening to. It's free if you click "Play Episode." The story about The Gottman Institute and their relationship research on marital happiness is the second act. I highly recommend you listen to it, even if you aren't interested in going that route, simply because it's so fascinating.