Quality time w/bf? And how do I ask him to bottom for me?

thebussyinvader

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My boyfriend is "new" to the LGBT community.
I'm pansexual and he accepts me and loves me.
I actually don't know his sexuality (it never occurred to me to ask him, since he's a public figure and he and I are both private people and both closeted).

If any of you are into astrology, I'm a Virgo and he's an Aries.
My aunt is also an Aries, and she's got no problem resorting to violence and her temper is Level 15 - and she's 70 years old and a great-grandmother of 6 children.
My boyfriend is nowhere near as temperamental as my aunt though - maybe it's because I relate to him more?

He does say to me that the thing he loves about me is he feels he can be vulnerable and open up to me; I guess since he's in the limelight, he possibly might not have anyone who understands him and is loyal to him in the same way I am.
And his brother is my ex - but that's a different story.

Now that the background details are done, here's my questions.
I've been dating my bf for 7 months.
I did tell him I'm a vers top - only yesterday.
Beforehand, when I brought up the idea of me topping him (I did it in a flirtatious way, since both of us enjoy flirting a little too much) but the two times I brought up topping him, he completely ignored me (keep in mind, I'm the first guy he's ever dated).

So Question 1 is, how do I bring up my bf (who's a dominant top, like myself - both of us are tops, but I'm a vers top) bottoming for me, in a way where he knows it won't scare him or turn him off?
He was - I'll put it like this - taken advantage of in his "early days" twice, once by a family member and the second time, by his brother's best friend.
So how do I introduce the idea of my desire to have him bottom?
He likes that I'm a vers top; I did bring up a fantasy I have of him dominating me in bed while wearing nylon and stockings, and he loves it.

Question 2:
I'm an ambivert - an introvert and extrovert in one person.
My boyfriend is fully extroverted, and the most introverted he is, is when he likes to stay in and sleep for long hours.
I did decide I will need to go out the house more in order to grow (romantically) with my boyfriend.
He said once that his perfect first date would be going to the beach (I loathe the beach, so I'm only going on the beach to spend time with him).

I also thought about enrolling myself in tap dancing lessons, once or twice a week.
And possibly my boyfriend too, if he's interested.
So Q2 is, what are some fun ways to spend quality time with my boyfriend?
I can't walk for longer than 90 minutes, so it can't be anything straining, like rock climbing, hiking (I know hiking is huge in LA), running or anything like that.

Although, we bond in every single way, except for the sex.
I love my bf with all my heart; although he said he's not ready for marriage (which I understand, since his engagement sparked a public breakup in 2020).
So I think I'm going to date him for 1 or 1 1/2 years to 2 years, before proposing.
 

thebussyinvader

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Also, I forgot to mention an extremely important detail - Even if I wanted to be out the house all day with my boyfriend, I can't since I'm in the process of starting my new insurance job.
We set our own hours, so I am working 5 days a week, part-time to get a feel for the day-to-day operations.
So it might also be a good thing, since he travels and goes on vacation practically once a week, and I'm at home trying to make ends meet.
 

theplayerking

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For me, bottoming is much more psychological than physical. I get off more on the idea of a man being inside my body more than the physical sensation. You need to work on opening him to the idea of getting fucked in addition to opening up his hole.
 

thebussyinvader

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For me, bottoming is much more psychological than physical. I get off more on the idea of a man being inside my body more than the physical sensation. You need to work on opening him to the idea of getting fucked in addition to opening up his hole.
Well, his brother (my ex) told me he loves eating ass.
As for my boyfriend, I've got no idea, except my assumption of him being dominant.
But you did give me some good advice.
I'll definitely have to brainstorm ideas on how to convince him, otherwise.
 

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@thebussyinvader

Have you met this guy in person yet?

I ask because from reading your other threads and posts it appears you have a lot of on-line relationships, rather than in-person.

If you've yet to meet in person, perhaps your concerns are premature here?
 
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Stephenmass

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My boyfriend is "new" to the LGBT community.
I'm pansexual and he accepts me and loves me.
I actually don't know his sexuality (it never occurred to me to ask him, since he's a public figure and he and I are both private people and both closeted).

If any of you are into astrology, I'm a Virgo and he's an Aries.
My aunt is also an Aries, and she's got no problem resorting to violence and her temper is Level 15 - and she's 70 years old and a great-grandmother of 6 children.
My boyfriend is nowhere near as temperamental as my aunt though - maybe it's because I relate to him more?

He does say to me that the thing he loves about me is he feels he can be vulnerable and open up to me; I guess since he's in the limelight, he possibly might not have anyone who understands him and is loyal to him in the same way I am.
And his brother is my ex - but that's a different story.

Now that the background details are done, here's my questions.
I've been dating my bf for 7 months.
I did tell him I'm a vers top - only yesterday.
Beforehand, when I brought up the idea of me topping him (I did it in a flirtatious way, since both of us enjoy flirting a little too much) but the two times I brought up topping him, he completely ignored me (keep in mind, I'm the first guy he's ever dated).

So Question 1 is, how do I bring up my bf (who's a dominant top, like myself - both of us are tops, but I'm a vers top) bottoming for me, in a way where he knows it won't scare him or turn him off?
He was - I'll put it like this - taken advantage of in his "early days" twice, once by a family member and the second time, by his brother's best friend.
So how do I introduce the idea of my desire to have him bottom?
He likes that I'm a vers top; I did bring up a fantasy I have of him dominating me in bed while wearing nylon and stockings, and he loves it.

Question 2:
I'm an ambivert - an introvert and extrovert in one person.
My boyfriend is fully extroverted, and the most introverted he is, is when he likes to stay in and sleep for long hours.
I did decide I will need to go out the house more in order to grow (romantically) with my boyfriend.
He said once that his perfect first date would be going to the beach (I loathe the beach, so I'm only going on the beach to spend time with him).

I also thought about enrolling myself in tap dancing lessons, once or twice a week.
And possibly my boyfriend too, if he's interested.
So Q2 is, what are some fun ways to spend quality time with my boyfriend?
I can't walk for longer than 90 minutes, so it can't be anything straining, like rock climbing, hiking (I know hiking is huge in LA), running or anything like that.

Although, we bond in every single way, except for the sex.
I love my bf with all my heart; although he said he's not ready for marriage (which I understand, since his engagement sparked a public breakup in 2020).
So I think I'm going to date him for 1 or 1 1/2 years to 2 years, before proposing.
Make him the inner spoon if you are spooning and "dry hump" him and see if he responds. Communication is key.....nothing wrong with saying "I want to fuck you so bad".....etc.

If you expect him to share your interests outside the home and take an interest, it needs to be both ways. Maybe if you remain open about "the beach" you may eventually find out you enjoy relaxing and having time to kick back and just talk. It doesn't need to be constant verbal exchange, but it's a good way to show you both listen and talk to him and shows you are interested in what he says and what he speaks and vice versa.

Because of "the closet" it's hard to think of things where you are around like minded sexualities, not that you are non-monogamous with each other. Figure out what your interests are and your own and carry through. Go to a movie. Go out for a few drinks. Go to a place with a vibe so it feels fun and a place to be. Or if you are looking for activity, without knowing what you guys enjoy doing, whatever is mentioned by either of you, carry through also.

Last but not least, you don't always have to be together if there is something you love to do (or vice versa) and the other doesn't. You want to tap dance? Go and tap dance. 24/7 togetherness sometimes grows old fast. Give each other room to breathe. Give each other time to follow what each of you are interested in.

Communication is key. Best of luck.

Take your time with the marriage talk. You never know. Last thing you would want is to marry to fast to find out the excitement of a new relationship fades into one that is difficult to maintain. Give it time.
 

thebussyinvader

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@thebussyinvader

Have you met this guy in person yet?

I ask because from reading your other threads and posts it appears you have a lot of on-line relationships, rather than in-person.

If you've yet to meet in person, perhaps your concerns are premature here?
Here is my full message to you (because my 5 minute editing limit ran out).

No, we haven't met in person yet.
I was actually about to move to his town in the next 2 weeks, and wasn't able to.
I'm staying in New Jersey for 3 more months, and I'll move at the end of April 2024.

The only problem for me will be, I'm moving 5 minutes from my abusive family members (and this move was my mom's idea, so she could keep tabs on me; I was in a domestic violence situation - my mom was the perpetrator on 3 separate occasions - which led to me moving out & filing a police report last month; and yet, she's still trying to control me by forcing me to live somewhere, against my will).

I'm dealing with a lot, and it stressed me out at first.
But I've just decided to accept what's happened and is happening, read my situation for what it is, and I tell myself that "Anything you want in life is never easy to obtain", and that keeps me motivated to see the silver lining of my situation.
I was mad that my mom was still controlling my life and decisions (from long distance), and I finally decided to focus on the positives - I'll have my own apartment and I'll be paying "real" bills for the first time & I get to make my own decisions about my apartment.

When I say "real bills", I used to have a lot of online bills - so I see this move as the chance I've been waiting for, for the last 10 years, to finally prove my independence and sustainability, once and for all.
Before this year, the most independence I had was when I used to live down South, in Florida and Georgia, every summer as a kid, before moving back to Jersey for school every year (and that was every summer from 2002 to 2009).

I broke the news to my boyfriend yesterday, that I postponed my move, and he seems understanding of it - which is a relief for me, since I felt like I was letting him down (he was so excited for my move, so I'm glad he's taking it well).
I know that the hard work I'm putting in right now will all be worthwhile one day.
Happiness and peace are out of reach for me right now, but I know that will all change later this year.
The way I look at it is, I survived the abuse I went through for 27 years, so postponing my move for 3 months (and having my own apartment, despite unrelated issues) is a cakewalk.
It's a win-win situation.

Now, a friend of mine did tell me yesterday, that, "Your mom may try to stalk you" (and for context, when I moved in 2020, my mom reported me as a Missing Person out of anger - I was tired of the abuse, and I left and moved to New York; my family was furious - they don't acknowledge my mom's abuse - so one of my relatives found out where I was and drove me home; his house, that I was staying in, burned down the next day, 2 hours after I got back home, so I'm grateful I had already left my cousin's house when that house fire happened).

I'm not even going to elaborate on how the distant cousin who drove me back to NJ was drunk driving and said to me, "You're lucky you called me when you did. I was on my second bottle of Hennessy!"
And he attempted - twice - to swerve his SUV off the highway, as he said, "I told you, don't piss me off! I'm not in the mood!" (We were still driving on a bridge & interstate in New York, going back to Trenton, NJ, so the only thing around us was the bridge and water).
Not to mention, he berated me for the entire trip, and I cried the entire time - I felt like a failure (and a few weeks after I got back, I spoke about my situation online and someone literally called me a failure - which was the most disrespectful thing I've ever been told in my life - I've been called the n word and the hard f, and even those were easier pills to swallow than being told by a stranger, "You ARE a failure!").
Empathy is important, is all I'll say about that situation......

I ended up staying for another 3 years, until last month, which is when I moved out for good.

I'd already been sick and tired of being controlled, exploited and abused, so dating my boyfriend is actually the other reason why I decided that moving was what I needed to do.
In order to grow with him, me moving out was the only way.
I'm a survivor, and my boyfriend's support, plus me being able to have peace - and my own apartment - are the three greatest gifts in my life right now.
 

thebussyinvader

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I decided it was time for me to make a list of boundaries; I had one a few years ago (written on my old Facebook account), but I deleted that FB in September 2023.
So here's my list of boundaries in my current relationship & any relationship after him.

1. No drugs. No alcohol. No pills. No marijuana.
2. No cheating.
3. No manipulation.
4. No lying.
5. No isolating me.
6. Do not yell or curse at me.
7. No homophobia, racism, transphobia, or misogyny. And if a man doesn't approve of me being pansexual=Stop speaking to him immediately.
8. No forcing or demanding I do anything.
9. Do not expose my personal secrets or personal information.
10. No withholding affection, quality time, or sex - if my significant other does that=Automatic dealbreaker.
11. Don't ever ask me for money (exceptions: homeless people, abuse survivors, single mothers who ask to live with me, battered women and battered men).
12. No men are allowed in my house after 5:00pm, unless they already live with me.
13. Do not accuse me of things I never did or said.
14. Do not speak about our relationship on social media. I need a real man who's old school and knows how to keep his mouth shut. Personal secrets belong in your relationship, not on Instagram on a recorded video or typed essay.
15. Men doing things to get a reaction from me - biggest dealbreaker ever.
16. No taunting or laughing at me.
17. And most of all, no manipulating me & no gaslighting me! This is the biggest dealbreaker on my list!

The only boundary I haven't figured out yet:
18. Do not stalk me. (I've had a few stalkers, some are exes and some are family members)
 

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Please don't get me wrong, but looking at all your threads... How about fixing the underlying issues in your life first? Finally leave your abusive family behind, find a suitable job, relocate, possibly seek professional help etc.

And then, when you're clear-headed, start thinking about real relationships again. Personally, it would never occur to me to call an online relationship that I have never met in person a partner. Let alone think about how I could convince him of certain sexual preferences before the first date. You can't even know yet whether the whole thing will work out at all.

It seems to me that you see a way out in every straw and are therefore desperately trying to reconcile everything somehow and cling to every unrealistic idea as a solution to all problems. But that's just my personal impression and is not intended as an attack on you. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and I hope that you can leave this spiral of bad luck behind you at some point.
 

thebussyinvader

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Please don't get me wrong, but looking at all your threads... How about fixing the underlying issues in your life first? Finally leave your abusive family behind, find a suitable job, relocate, possibly seek professional help etc.

And then, when you're clear-headed, start thinking about real relationships again. Personally, it would never occur to me to call an online relationship that I have never met in person a partner. Let alone think about how I could convince him of certain sexual preferences before the first date. You can't even know yet whether the whole thing will work out at all.

It seems to me that you see a way out in every straw and are therefore desperately trying to reconcile everything somehow and cling to every unrealistic idea as a solution to all problems. But that's just my personal impression and is not intended as an attack on you. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and I hope that you can leave this spiral of bad luck behind you at some point.
I'm moving to my first apartment next week.
 

thebussyinvader

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Please don't get me wrong, but looking at all your threads... How about fixing the underlying issues in your life first? Finally leave your abusive family behind, find a suitable job, relocate, possibly seek professional help etc.

And then, when you're clear-headed, start thinking about real relationships again. Personally, it would never occur to me to call an online relationship that I have never met in person a partner. Let alone think about how I could convince him of certain sexual preferences before the first date. You can't even know yet whether the whole thing will work out at all.

It seems to me that you see a way out in every straw and are therefore desperately trying to reconcile everything somehow and cling to every unrealistic idea as a solution to all problems. But that's just my personal impression and is not intended as an attack on you. I'm sorry for all you've gone through and I hope that you can leave this spiral of bad luck behind you at some point.
I moved out 1 month ago. I've been living at a hotel, out of town (My stay is for 30 days), and I'm moving to my apartment out of state, directly from my hotel.