Question about boyfriend

[Meshuga]

So I think I need to say this first: I adore my boyfriend and he worships the ground I walk on. He came out the closet for me, cooks for me, talks about me to his friends and family, rubs my feet and gives me pedicures, etc.

And did I mention that he's smart? And is a professor?

Anyhoo, this weekend he told me that he let an ex into his place because he was homeless. And ex also has HIV.

What bothered me is that he didn't tell me the night it happened. And yes, the city my boyfriend lives in was having Biblical proportion rains, but where do you draw the line in charity?

We reunited this weekend for the holiday. And when he told me what happened, he saw that I soon became visibly upset. I'm not fake and I clearly don't have a great poker face. I didn't scream but asked him for a minute to collect my thoughts. And when that minute elapsed, I sternly wanted him not to do take anyone in his home again and to "not humiliate me."

The "not humiliate me" part stuck with him. He brought it up again this weekend as if he felt that it was a threat.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

[stustu]

This is a hard one without lots more information. But, were you angry and humiliated because
he was homeless, an ex, or HIV+ ? Or all 3?. How long have the 2 of you been dating/together?
Are you concerned that they had sex that night?
I am not certain that you or your friend is right or wrong?
I think you both should go to a quiet - neutral place and talk about what did happen, and where
you're at as a couple, where you want to go as a couple, boundaries, expectations, and so on.
Best of luck my friend, stu.
P.S. Even if things cannot go forward, please know that every experience helps us grow and be
better equipped for the next opportunity....

 

[Countryguy63]

On the surface, yes, I would say that you are over-reacting. Of course, we don't know you or your boyfriend, so true intentions may be different, but sounds to me like he was just being hospitable to someone in need.
If you trust him, what does his ex having HIV have to do with anything?

This all depends on how honest each of you are with each other, and if you don't think he's being honest, then there's probably not much of a future together. Sorry

 

[693987]

I think.. and I'm not trying to be wishy washy with this, but I think there were things that could have been handled better by you as well as your boyfriend, OP. I would want to be told at the time if my sweetie was letting anyone stay overnight, not after the fact. Especially if it was an ex. I think it's reasonable to want to be told about that, unless it was a pre-existing, already known about and regular thing (basically, if once a month a friend stayed over it would be a bit silly to tell your partner every month, for example). I can see why you would be upset about your boyfriend letting an ex stay overnight, and that he didn't tell you until after the fact. I also think that for a fair few people, that would be considered a reasonable thing to be upset about.

Having said that, it stands out to me as far as your word choice about "humiliate" and also that you mention his ex having HIV. I'm not saying that this is truth/fact, but it makes me wonder if you think he would cheat (if you're monogamous). So... you don't trust him. Maybe. It could be interpreted that you were accusing your boyfriend in a round about way of cheating. Which could definitely be a reason why your boyfriend is upset. I can see being accused of cheating as something that would also make a fair few people upset.

 

[halcyondays]

It's not wrong for you to set boundaries. The only question is whether you're willing to risk your relationship over violations of those boundaries. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy. It might be impossible for him not to help an ex or any other friend in need.

 

[Meshuga]

Sorry, I was humiliated being in another city, not knowing that he had someone in his house, while I was messaging him that night about trivial shit, thinking everything in the world is fine, when he had an ex just a few feet away from him at the time.

That's what's humiliating.

I actually trust that he didn't have sex. And that he just slept on his couch; I just felt deceived.

This is a hard one without lots more information. But, were you angry and humiliated because
he was homeless, an ex, or HIV+ ? Or all 3?. How long have the 2 of you been dating/together?
Are you concerned that they had sex that night?
I am not certain that you or your friend is right or wrong?
I think you both should go to a quiet - neutral place and talk about what did happen, and where
you're at as a couple, where you want to go as a couple, boundaries, expectations, and so on.
Best of luck my friend, stu.
P.S. Even if things cannot go forward, please know that every experience helps us grow and be
better equipped for the next opportunity....

 

[Meshuga]

Actually what puts my mind at ease is how much he loves me and how he lets everyone in his life know that he loves me and that I'm the greatest guy. (He is even holding off being a professor at Oxford for me.)

I dislike uneven relationships and syrupy sweet public displays of affection, but times like this they are truly reassuring. I have no doubt he loves me and would never cheat on me.

I think.. and I'm not trying to be wishy washy with this, but I think there were things that could have been handled better by you as well as your boyfriend, OP. I would want to be told at the time if my sweetie was letting anyone stay overnight, not after the fact. Especially if it was an ex. I think it's reasonable to want to be told about that, unless it was a pre-existing, already known about and regular thing (basically, if once a month a friend stayed over it would be a bit silly to tell your partner every month, for example). I can see why you would be upset about your boyfriend letting an ex stay overnight, and that he didn't tell you until after the fact. I also think that for a fair few people, that would be considered a reasonable thing to be upset about.

Having said that, it stands out to me as far as your word choice about "humiliate" and also that you mention his ex having HIV. I'm not saying that this is truth/fact, but it makes me wonder if you think he would cheat (if you're monogamous). So... you don't trust him. Maybe. It could be interpreted that you were accusing your boyfriend in a round about way of cheating. Which could definitely be a reason why your boyfriend is upset. I can see being accused of cheating as something that would also make a fair few people upset.

 

[693987]

Actually what puts my mind at ease is how much he loves me and how he lets everyone in his life know that he loves me and that I'm the greatest guy. (He is even holding off being a professor at Oxford for me.)

I dislike uneven relationships and syrupy sweet public displays of affection, but times like this they are truly reassuring. I have no doubt he loves me and would never cheat on me.

That's good! Perhaps just a breakdown between different communication styles, then? My partner is someone I've known for nearly 9 years, and we have been together over 5, but we still sometimes need to clarify what the other has said. Have you had a chance to elaborate on your word choice and what it meant for you in that context?

 

[Meshuga]

That's good! Perhaps just a breakdown between different communication styles, then? My partner is someone I've known for nearly 9 years, and we have been together over 5, but we still sometimes need to clarify what the other has said. Have you had a chance to elaborate on your word choice and what it meant for you in that context?

No I haven't had a chance to elaborate on my word choice. He's a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I can't fool him about my emotions and motivations.

He knew I was mad. And he told me later before the movies—in a loving way—that I have a poor time reading people and expressing my feelings.

So I just let it be. I might not have fully articulated my feelings but I'm confident he got the gist of what I felt.

 

[stustu]

keep talking to him. letting him know that he is important and your relationship is important too.
I am guessing that he is older, has his education, career.
You might not be finished with school.
Take this time to learn to successfully communicate to him - and ask him to help you understand.
Seriously - good luck.
Relationships are difficult at times - expressing our feelings so that partners understand.
The work is worth it,. hang in there

 

[wavejock]

Does no one else in here think this sounds really weird? lol

If this is legit...the guy did tell you without you finding out on your own so i give him that much.

But to me..the way you write about your relationship is a way bigger issue them him apparently helping out an ex in a time of need. Are these comments not a red flag to anyone else in here?

- I sternly warned him
- he worships the ground I walk on
- he cooks for me and rubs my feet
- Gives me pedicures ( comon I cant be the only one who laughed at this)
- You do not live together...you live in different cities but you ordered him to not let anyone into his home?
- You are asking him to put off Oxford supposedly for you

Dude not for anything...but if all this is true...the least of your worries is his charitable help of a friend/ex and more the somewhat dysfunctional way you view your relationship.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Does no one else in here think this sounds really weird? lol

If this is legit...the guy did tell you without you finding out on your own so i give him that much.

But to me..the way you write about your relationship is a way bigger issue them him apparently helping out an ex in a time of need. Are these comments not a red flag to anyone else in here?

- I sternly warned him
- he worships the ground I walk on
- he cooks for me and rubs my feet
- Gives me pedicures ( comon I cant be the only one who laughed at this)
- You do not live together...you live in different cities but you ordered him to not let anyone into his home?
- You are asking him to put off Oxford supposedly for you

Dude not for anything...but if all this is true...the least of your worries is his charitable help of a friend/ex and more the somewhat dysfunctional way you view your relationship.

Yeah-
Sounds strange to me.

The question the OP should ask himself is this:
WHY is my own boyfriend afraid to tell me what is going on?

The boyfriend came clean- when they were face to face- but clearly in the moment- exchanging texts, he did not feel 'safe' telling the OP what was up.
The only reason for this is that he doesn't feel he can trust the OP to respond appropriately, or honestly.

That he would have to be PRESENT to smooth over whatever over reaction he anticipated the OP having.


And sure enough- the OP DELIVERED on that over-reaction.


If this boyfriend has a brain in his head he will run far and run fast.
Find himself someone less controlling... who won't feel HUMILIATED by an act of kindness.

to the OP;
Your lover should feel on safe ground to tell you ANYTHING.
Trying to put him in the wrong because he obviously knows you over react and are controlling is evidence that you may not be good for him. You should think about how you behave that makes him feel he can't be forthright with you.

 

[328982]

Actually what puts my mind at ease is how much he loves me and how he lets everyone in his life know that he loves me and that I'm the greatest guy. (He is even holding off being a professor at Oxford for me.)

Haha haha hahaha hahahahaha thank you

 

[INCUBUS]

Sounds like the Boy friend needs some time to rethink this relationship. I mean IF he's all that and willing to worship the ground "you" walks on and will do pretty much anything to make/keep a man happy. Then maybe he should find someone closer who he doesn't have to bend over backward for and still be and get the appreciation of a good loving man/boy friend.
He's in another city/state and has/owns his own house and has to tell you or get permission to have someone over? Ex or not! This bf sounds like he cares for others and will put others before his needs. So this "ex" is homeless and HIV. Not sure what him being HIV has to do with this "story"but? He is still a human being that is homeless and I'm guessing he knew,Your current bf,his ex would give a helping hand.
If you say you trust him and he adores you that much. Then you shouldn't have any worries. IF the bf is that smart. Ages not known. This BF who is so smart and kind caring professional who know what's at risk. I mean cheating, getting HIV, losing you, guilt. He was just helping out another human being. I seriously doubt he has any interest in being with his "ex" since he is homeless and HIV. LOADED GUN.
You should be the one feeling guilty and apologizing to him for your thoughts, behavior and the guilt you gave him. No pics or stats/age or a brief description about your education, employment yet he put his future at risk coming out of the closet for you.He cooks for You. He brags about you to friends and family. He rubs your feet and gives you pedicures.
He's even willing to put off what sounds like the best career move he could ever have and is willing to put it on hold for you? FUCK THAT! jobs come and go. relationships come and go just like friendships. But no way in hell would I postpone or give up a big move like putting Oxford on hold. No one is worth giving up a future move like that. Especially if the relationship is long distance.
You (OP) should be worshiping the ground he walks on and apologizing for blowing things out of proportion and making him feel bad.
Sounds like you are a spoiled little "explanative" not knowing your age but needs to grow up!

 

[Kylericha]

Yeah-
Sounds strange to me.

The question the OP should ask himself is this:
WHY is my own boyfriend afraid to tell me what is going on?

The boyfriend came clean- when they were face to face- but clearly in the moment- exchanging texts, he did not feel 'safe' telling the OP what was up.
The only reason for this is that he doesn't feel he can trust the OP to respond appropriately, or honestly.

That he would have to be PRESENT to smooth over whatever over reaction he anticipated the OP having.


And sure enough- the OP DELIVERED on that over-reaction.


If this boyfriend has a brain in his head he will run far and run fast.
Find himself someone less controlling... who won't feel HUMILIATED by an act of kindness.

to the OP;
Your lover should feel on safe ground to tell you ANYTHING.
Trying to put him in the wrong because he obviously knows you over react and are controlling is evidence that you may not be good for him. You should think about how you behave that makes him feel he can't be forthright with you.

I was 100% on OP’s side until reading this, and it’s all so valid. Except, I still feel that OP’s boyfriend owed it to OP to give him notice about the ex spending the night upfront. The fact that they were even texting that night and he didn’t mention it is a red flag. And to your point, the boyfriend may not have trusted that OP would’ve reacted positively, but that’s not OP’s fault. OP is allowed to not like a choice that his boyfriend AND not be deceived. If OP’s boyfriend doesn’t like that boundary — whether OP is being out of line or not — then that’s on the boyfriend to figure out if he can deal. But, IMO, it doesn’t give the boyfriend the right to be sneaky to help prevent an issue with his boyfriend.

 

[185248]

So I think I need to say this first: I adore my boyfriend and he worships the ground I walk on. He came out the closet for me, cooks for me, talks about me to his friends and family, rubs my feet and gives me pedicures, etc.

And did I mention that he's smart? And is a professor?

Anyhoo, this weekend he told me that he let an ex into his place because he was homeless. And ex also has HIV.

What bothered me is that he didn't tell me the night it happened. And yes, the city my boyfriend lives in was having Biblical proportion rains, but where do you draw the line in charity?

We reunited this weekend for the holiday. And when he told me what happened, he saw that I soon became visibly upset. I'm not fake and I clearly don't have a great poker face. I didn't scream but asked him for a minute to collect my thoughts. And when that minute elapsed, I sternly wanted him not to do take anyone in his home again and to "not humiliate me."

The "not humiliate me" part stuck with him. He brought it up again this weekend as if he felt that it was a threat.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Well, obviously the truth was going to hurt you. Why?

If you knew him like he knew you....yet ....? Why?

All ends, or begins with truth doesn't it?

Why do people post questions asking others whether they need to accept lies to stay in a relationship?

Listen, if you do not like being fooled or lied to, end it. Simple. I enjoy life and all the spice it brings...being used to support others bullshit is something no-one else wants to listen to from an experienced wise guy . Don't listen, it's ok.....is what LPSG is all about...keep posting.

You need to post your story.........then for some reason..............we post a response.....

 

[Gj816]

So I think I need to say this first: I adore my boyfriend and he worships the ground I walk on. He came out the closet for me, cooks for me, talks about me to his friends and family, rubs my feet and gives me pedicures, etc.

And did I mention that he's smart? And is a professor?

Anyhoo, this weekend he told me that he let an ex into his place because he was homeless. And ex also has HIV.

What bothered me is that he didn't tell me the night it happened. And yes, the city my boyfriend lives in was having Biblical proportion rains, but where do you draw the line in charity?

We reunited this weekend for the holiday. And when he told me what happened, he saw that I soon became visibly upset. I'm not fake and I clearly don't have a great poker face. I didn't scream but asked him for a minute to collect my thoughts. And when that minute elapsed, I sternly wanted him not to do take anyone in his home again and to "not humiliate me."

The "not humiliate me" part stuck with him. He brought it up again this weekend as if he felt that it was a threat.

Who's right? Who's wrong? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I'm a little confused. After reading your summation of events that transpired. It would appear on the surface, that you over reacted. Not judging, only my humble opinion.

The two of you live in different cities yet, you have the audacity to rebuke him for an act of kindness. Regardless of whether it was an ex or some stranger off the street. It is after all his home. Most people are not interested in sleeping with an ex.

It sounds like you are not as loving and giving as your boyfriend. It on the surface, sounds like you are holding him back from advancing his career with an exceptional employment offer. One I might add that doesn't come along often.

Since you gave us only vague limited information about you, your boyfriend, that you both live in different cities. For whatever reason you decided not to include your ages or other pertinent information, that would allow us a greater understanding of the situation. You did ask for our input.

However harsh these responses may seem. I am sure that most everyone wishes you well.

Consider your question from an outsiders perspective. On the surface you sound like a sniveling little snit. Who happens to have some how landed a great catch. You should be encouraging him to accept the offer from Oxford, and riding the wave with him.

Instead you seem to be trying to change him into what you want. Telling him who can come and go in his own house. I think you've overstepped your bounds. If it were me I would be apologizing for my over reactions. Sounds like you should be doing for him what you have said he does for you.

Trust me if he's all you claim him to be. And you keep OVER REACTING. He's going to find someone more on his level and more inclined to his mentality. Good luck.