question about friends

[studboysouth]

Anyone else here have so called "friends" who are completely and 100% totally your "friend" when they aren't involved in a relationship with someone, but as soon as they are, they disappear and it's almost like you don't exist?

Wsup with this? Why are these people like this and why can't these kinds of people strike a balance between their relationship and other friends?

 

[kurios]

I havent got an answer but I do know what you are talking about. It seems like they only have a single track caring capacity and focus and in the hierarchy the "involvement" becomes all encompassing.
I can understand a difference in available time but not being totally concentrated to the exclusion of everyone else. I had one friend that I used to play raquetball with once a week for years. He started going out with someone and was never available so I stopped calling him. Out of the blue a few months later he calls to see if Im up for a game. It turned out that he was no longer "involved" as he explained so "we could start playing again". Well if there was no one else I would have played with him but fortunately there was.
I dont figure that type of person was really a friend. Caring seems to be a singular and focussed effort. Maybe it is what they see"involvement" being and having a life outside of this connection or friends as a contradiction.

 

[13788]

tenkiller: Your friend is just trying to work on the new relationship and put his "all" into it. Almost everyone does it. When they are settled in or over it they will come back to their friends.

 

[benderten2001]

I look upon a friendship and a relationship as being quite different in many ways.
Obviously, a relationship is going to require more time, even more commitment, and more focused personal energies! to devote to it. Oftentimes, as someone has the opportunity to develop a close relationship with another, he or she may begin backing off from a "regular" friendship quite innocently. Nothing malicious or mean spirited is even intended! It just happens as the attention is "shifted". This refocusing doesn't even have to indicate REJECTING or ABANDONING the original friendship either. Reading such signals incorrectly often proves disastrous when it doesn't have to be that way.

Perhaps "true" friendship may have to be better measured by the person who thinks he's being hurt! It's often hard to wish the other person well or be happy when the other person happens to have occasion to pursue an especially meaningful (romantic) type relationship. If friends can weather this kind of storm---trying to be happy for the other when the other seems to be getting ahead....then THAT'S an indication of real, sincere friendship.

I've been on both sides of this equation. Admittedly, --it's not always easy!

 

[13788]

maverackstud8: yup-freinds who dissappear are as if they don't exist-take me,once I'm gone bet nobody here misses me.Strange when the freaks and misfits can't get along with the other freaks and misfits.I lost lots of freinds-male and female over the years-too many-some people die and some dissappear.I hate losing a freind-lost a few here.
hope this answers your question.

 

[naughty]

LOL!

At the risk of betraying my own sex, I think that happens quite often with female friendships.I do not know why or where that comes from. Perhaps women have ingested their own devaluation and do not take obligations made with girlfriends as seriously as a last minute date with that hunk they have been eyeing for months.Personally, I find it terribly offensive and agree with your feelings.I think anyone that truly wants to be with me will not call or invite me to something at the last minute and if they do they run the risk of having me sweetly but firmly asking for a rain check because I do have a former engagement. Quiet as it is kept I think people observe how we deal with all of our friendships and can only value us more for holding our ground and having a life, not running to their every beck and call. I think that we should value all of our friendships and we need to keep out emotional bank accounts full and up to date with our friends. Becuase when you have broken up with that hottie you were dying to be with " who you gonna call? " P.S. Not Ghostbusters! LOL!

Naughty

 

[madame_zora]

Naughty, great post! I do think women are bad about this, I know I have been in the past, but I had a good friend tell me how much it hurt her, so I do try to be more cognisant of it now. I think it's a huge mistake that we as women often try to make the man in our life be our "everything". It is unrealistic to believe that one person can fulfill all our needs and it is suffocating to the poor guy! Good relationships can only happen between healthy people, needy people end up driving each other crazy. I now know the value of keeping up with those treasured friendships, they will be the ones who are there for you when the chips are down.

 

[Pappy]

Being the antique that I am I'll tell you what we called people like that, they were "rainy day" friends. They seem to just come around when there is nothing else to do or nobody else to do anything with.

If you can't balance your time with your friends and your relationship, then you're in trouble because you need both! You'll need your friends when your relationship fails. If your partner can't understand the importance of friends, and allow you time for your friends, then you should move on.

Partners walk in and out of your life, but friendships last a lifetime.

 

[kurios]

Pappy you expressed my feelings better than I did earlier. Thks !

 

[Simon9]

Studboy:

I've generally found "friends" to be quite shallow and temporary. People get excited about making a new "friend" but typically vanish unexpectedly and suddenly as soon as something else floats into their minds. I think it's just part and parcel of the human condition. My advice is get used to it. True friends are rare.

And you may never find one.
:huh:

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Originally posted by Pappy@Jul 29 2004, 09:02 AM
Being the antique that I am I'll tell you what we called people like that, they were "rainy day" friends.

I know them as fair weather friends; they flee at any sign of 'bad weather' approaching. Joan Jett had a song called Fair Weather Friends about her relationship with the Runaways and their breakup.

 

[13788]

drrionelli: Curious that the analogies are made to weather. Or, perhaps not, considering the unpredictability of both so-called friends and weather! :lol:

I, too, have witnessed (read: lived) this phenomenon. And, no, I don't understand it, either. When a friend becomes involved in a relationship, we often (by no means always, of course) seem to be "put on the back burner." And, please let me stress that I'm not talking about competitiveness, here. It happens even when the friend's new interest is a good, likable person and a positive influence.

But here's the other side of the coin--how often have you noticed that when you become involved in a relationship, your friends seem to disappear? Not that you're ignoring them, dissing them or otherwise excluding them from your life, but rather, they seem to feel either envy regarding what you now have with another person, jealousy regarding what they have with you or, indeed, a fair dollop of both.

benderten, you raise (as always&#33 an interesting point. Why do you think it's so difficult for the friend to be happy for someone in a relationship? After all, if that person is truly a friend, shouldn't it be easy to be a well-wisher? Speaking strictly personally, when a friend finds that 'someone special,' I always am delighted for him/her, and thus eager to expand, through his/her new interest, my own friendships.

It would be nice if positivity begat positivity.

 

[txquis]

this dumping of an entire batch of friends
except for times "between"
relationships is
just rude.

I realize, some people cant be alone.
they just cant.
they cant use time in or out of a relationship to just "be"....
so they cultivate something at all times,
and just when it is blossoming,
they plow it under.

 

[naughty]

Txquis,

That is a good point you made about developing yourself between Mr or Ms Right now and Mr or Ms Right. I think because romantic relationships are so lauded there are many who feel that any other type of relationship is second class in comparison.The reality is that if you stay with someone long enough the passion will wane and you need to have a solid base of friendship there to hold it together. I hope this does not sound cliche, but quite often people look for others to "fill them up" instead of taking the time to become a strong individual on their own. There is a wonderful book by Iyanla Vanzant called "In the Meantime" that talks about being emotionally healthy in what ever stage you find yourself. People that are starving seldom make good bargains so never bargain from a point of need.

Naughty

 

[txquis]

great post, Naughty.

I noticed a long time ago, that the only "forever"
people in my life are my friends.
And yet, sometimes for all of us,
sex and romance and passion seem to be a much
higher priority.

But, when i think about it,
i've been with some of my friends
for twenty years and my longest relationship
only lasted 5....
(i've also had a relationship that lasted
5 days, so...
there you have it)

 

[oldman9x7]

I was married to the same woman for 39 years. She has passed.

I had a friend for 60 years. He has too.

Now I have LPSG.

Life goes on.

Gramps

 

[naughty]

Gramps,

You were so fortunate. I only hope that most of us can say that at some point in our lives Your attitude also helps to keep you young at heart.

Naughty

 

[13788]

drrionelli: Please don't think I'm trying to beat a dead horse, here. Rather, I'm just bringing this back to the top to facilitate another member's finding the topic.

Thanks for understanding!

 

[LuckyLuke]

Originally posted by studboysouth@Jul 28 2004, 08:42 PM
Anyone else here have so called "friends" who are completely and 100% totally your "friend" when they aren't involved in a relationship with someone, but as soon as they are, they disappear and it's almost like you don't exist?

I definitely have seen this happen. I even tried to fight it, but sometimes, it is for the best I've found. I've had friends get married and move way out to the far suburbs (in search of a cheap house to buy).

Problem 1 - Married couples just don't seem to have any inclination to maintain single male friends. Perhaps the wife perceives one as a 'threat'.

Problem 2 - Discussions about mortgage rates, aluminum siding and/or baby clothes is really, really boring.

Problem 3 - Suburban couples just want you to travel to their house to visit - so you can watch them drink. They wouldn't even dream of coming downtown to visit with me - since they can't drink & drive. So that means you have to go there, but of course, I won't drink & drive either so its boring. See point number 2.

Problem 4 - People do change as they get older. Some guys I would have given my right arm to as teenagers, won't even bother to return phone calls now and I wouldn't even notice. Indeed, some of my best friends from High School days are the ones I avoid most of all. I matured - they didn't.

So, yes, having good friends getting involved in a relationship can be a real drag - but also, sometimes this provides a convenient and polite way to be rid of them.

Lastly, on an entirely cynical note, if your friends abandon your relationship because of some romantic interest, chances are they were never real friends in the first place.

 

[13788]

joe22xxx: When I was about 8 years old, I had a friend who was another boy the same age. We were very tight for little kids. We even did the "blood brother" thing. I remember thinking that it was all very cool. Now that I look back on it, what was most interesting was that there was a kind of loyality and commitment to each other that was very mature for little boys. There is something in us that makes us want to have good friendships. I think it's the same kind of commitment that people in the military make to their buddies.

My friend of 8 years old is now 23, and we still talk about being blood brothers. The connection seems to have lasted.