Question for straight men about bisexual men

[B_henry miller]

I have a question for straight men on this forum:

How do you view bisexual men? Do you see them as just gay guys after all, or are they "half-straight," or what?

I ask because, lately, most straight guys think I'm straight. This is surprising me. Sometimes, I feel like a fraud and think they may get really let down when they find out that I'm bisexual. Lately, it feels that my "gaydar" is really messed up, because I don't know anymore who is gay or straight or bisexual. I think this is because I'm in a situation where I deal with guys in their early 20s, and the younger generation (mid-30s here) seems more evolved or something. It seems that as society progresses, males are more in touch with their emotions and sensitivities than they used to be. The average young straight guy these days is about as in touch with his emotions, and is about as open minded, as the average gay guy 20 years ago. It's really interesting, and obviously really great. But it leaves me unsure sometimes....

Anyway, obviously, anyone can respond to this question. But I direct it to straight men because I already know how women and gay men perceive bisexual men. I don't know how straight men perceive us, though.

 

[The_Young_One]

Well IMO. Your either one or the Other. I do believe people can be bi-curious(Meaning finding yourself with one u prefer or just trying something new), but as in being bi (IMO) you have to lean toward one side or the other.

 

[B_henry miller]

In other words, you perceive "bisexual" as "just gay after all."

 

[D_q4tyhte]

hi there ...bi-sexual is just that ....prepared to be with either sex in an intimate relationship ... i'm a straight guy, married. i like looking at nude men and admire men with good fit looking bodies but am not prepared to have a sexual relationship with a guy ....makes me very str8.

 

[B_henry miller]

Interesting. Thanks. Maybe the answer is: straight men are individuals and the reaction varies by the individual.

Again, I ask this question because -- much to my surprise -- straight guys lately take me as one of their own. To be honest, I love it. I don't mean to start a "flame" here or to drive this discussion in another direction, but in my opinion straight guys seem to have a sense of brotherhood that gay men (and perahaps bisexual men) do not. Lately, I feel straight guys automatically lump me into the "straight" category due to my masculine/muscular frame and "masculine" demeanor. I'm just wondering how the reaction would change if they found out that I am in fact bisexual. Thanks.

 

[dolfette]

Well IMO. Your either one or the Other. I do believe people can be bi-curious(Meaning finding yourself with one u prefer or just trying something new), but as in being bi (IMO) you have to lean toward one side or the other.

so a man who prefers women, has straight sex most often, but still enjoys having sex with men regularly... he's straight?

 

[B_henry miller]

I think this thread is already being railroad-ed off of what I had in mind. I suppose maybe my question itself was perhaps a bit fuzzy. I suppose I was asking for the "general consensus" that straight men have of bisexual men. But I have to admit now that this is probably a stupid question because there most likely is NOT a general consensus among straight men about how to view bisexual men.

I suppose the real issue at hand is gender and manner. My gender is very obviously male, and my manner -- though I have my feminine traits -- is mostly masculine (as is my appearance; I dress "straight"). So, maybe the issue is that straight males perceive me as male, which is, after all, correct. A difference being that many gay males I've known tend to want to identify on the female side, even calling one another "girl." I hate that. I'm male, and I want to be recognized as such.

 

[Kotchanski]

My husband would like me to post on his behalf, since he's not feeling well and can't be bothered logging in:

He says he sees you (a bisexual man) as, well, a man... he doesn't give any thought to what you might be getting up to in your bedroom, and even less thought as to who you might be checking out. You're just a guy.

 

[D_Quartered Pounder]

I'll have to agree with Acon's hubby on this one. Your a man, I wouldn't see you any differently upon finding out your sexual orientation. I'm assuming you have a dick,therefore your a guy! Hope that somewhat clears it up for you.

 

[B_henry miller]

My husband would like me to post on his behalf, since he's not feeling well and can't be bothered logging in:

He says he sees you (a bisexual man) as, well, a man... he doesn't give any thought to what you might be getting up to in your bedroom, and even less thought as to who you might be checking out. You're just a guy.

Thanks. That's nice to hear. Interestingly, it's the conclusion I had come to above. It's not so much an issue of "orientation," but of "gender." And I am definitely male. Very male, actually. lol :biggrin1:

I asked this question because of situations like the following.... I recently walked into a record store which sells rock-and-roll collectibles and actual records. I asked if they had any Madonna records. The clerk, whom I assume to be heterosexual, led me to the "Madonna" section, showed me the records, and then said before he walked away, "I won't tell anyone!" I didn't know what this record store clerk meant at first. But then it occurred to me that he apparently took me for a straight male, and most straight males wouldn't want people to know they were looking at Madonna records -- because Madonna is perhaps the ultimate gay icon. I took this as a surprise because I'd thought the store clerk would take me as a gay or at least bisexual.

Yesterday, I was in a bookstore with a friend, a gay male. I started to show off a dance I've taught myself from the Lady Gaga video for "Judas." I thought no one was looking. But then I turned and saw a very masculine, butch, "tough guy" store clerk watching me. He laughed and said, "It's okay. I do weird things like that too sometimes." Later, he ended up ringing me up. He made another comment, saying, "I'm gonna tell everyone I caught you dancing!" It occurred to me that this is, apparently, the type of thing straight males say to one another. For a gay guy (or bisexual guy), dancing is sort of part of your lifestyle. For a straight guy, dancing is usually something a girlfriend drags you into doing against your will, and probably the last thing you'd want some other guy to see you doing. I'm generalizing here, I know. But the point I'm getting at here is that straight men are taking me as another straight male, I guess.

Maybe the lesson to be learned here is that straight males seem to assume that all other males -- or at least all other masculine males -- are straight as well. I suppose there's a stereotype that all gay males are effeminate and look like or act like women. I've always known masculine gay men, and I know what goes on inside of me (bisexuality), so I thought straight guys would look at me and know, just by looking, that I'm bisexual. Apparently not.

Another reason I ask is as follows. I have many acquaintances who are straight males (at least to my knowledge), and some of them really like me, admire me for my athletic abilities, my work ethic at the gym, etc. I often wonder how they'd react to find that I'm bisexual. There's been no reason to reveal this aspect of myself to them, so I haven't. But I sometimes wonder if I misrepresent myself. I mean, am I, as a bisexual man, obligated to be a little more feminine? lol. I really don't want to be. I love masculinity. I don't understand gay or bisexual men who want to be feminine. I don't get it. If you're gay or bisexual, you like other men, right? lol :biggrin1:

 

[B_henry miller]

Phew! Maybe what I'm trying to say is the following:

* Lately, it seems that straight males are taking me as "one of their own." Am I a fraud to let them think that? Am I obligated to admit to them that I am in fact bisexual? I mean, I know the answer is no. I can act however I want. But it seems like there is a brotherhood between straight males that they (straight males) offer me, and I sometimes wonder if it would still be offered if they knew that I am not in fact straight, and am I therefore "dishonest" to accept that sense of brotherhood?

 

[D_Quartered Pounder]

Phew! Maybe what I'm trying to say is the following:

* Lately, it seems that straight males are taking me as "one of their own." Am I a fraud to let them think that? Am I obligated to admit to them that I am in fact bisexual? I mean, I know the answer is no. I can act however I want. But it seems like there is a brotherhood between straight males that they (straight males) offer me, and I sometimes wonder if it would still be offered if they knew that I am not in fact straight, and am I therefore "dishonest" to accept that sense of brotherhood?

Not at all! If you feel that you don't want to tell them your bisexual that is completely up to you. Honestly if they think of you otherwise they weren't that great of friends to begin with, sexual orientation shouldn't come inbetween friendship/brotherhood. I'm assuming your one of the "guys" because your a cool/down to earth person, not because your straight or whatever. I wouldn't say your being dishonest either, if you don't want to tell them you shouldn't be obligated to tell them. However some people will have mixed reactions if you do tell them, its part of the cruel world we live in. I hope this somewhat clears up your answers, not sure if I answered all of them haha.

 

[Gecko4lif]

How do you view bisexual men? Do you see them as just gay guys after all, or are they "half-straight," or what?

Guys who want to fuck everything.

So... Guys.

 

[hrdhatdad]

I think I understand what you're asking/saying. I don't have any gay mannerisms at all yet I'm into guys. Therefore, the friends I attract are generally straight. Unfortunately, as friendships develop and guys probe deeper about whom your attracted to (if you happen to be single), there usually comes a point that you have to tell them or you find yourself providing ambiguous answers. My rule of thumb is that I'd rather be honest with my friends even if it means they might prefer not to remain friends. Afterall, it's a big world out there. I experienced some rejection when I was younger but our culture has changed quite a bit. As for me, I sort of detest liars so my own character pretty much dictates that I'm honest with people.

 

[Padad7]

People are people - I don't care if you are bi, gay or straight. If I like and respect you as a person, your sexual orientation would have virtually no impact on our relationship.

 

[B_henry miller]

Yes, this is what I'm getting at. There are some straight guys in my life that are friendly to me, but are on an acquaintance level; and I have a sense that if they got closer and became friends, then that would mean they'd find out that I'm bisexual -- and that would be the end of the friendship. The sad thing being that I can't go further with these guys than mere acquaintanceship; and I've had to make the choice that it would be better to keep that as acquaintances than to allow them to become friends, and then lose a friend based on my orientation.

I think I understand what you're asking/saying. I don't have any gay mannerisms at all yet I'm into guys. Therefore, the friends I attract are generally straight. Unfortunately, as friendships develop and guys probe deeper about whom your attracted to (if you happen to be single), there usually comes a point that you have to tell them or you find yourself providing ambiguous answers. My rule of thumb is that I'd rather be honest with my friends even if it means they might prefer not to remain friends. Afterall, it's a big world out there. I experienced some rejection when I was younger but our culture has changed quite a bit. As for me, I sort of detest liars so my own character pretty much dictates that I'm honest with people.

 

[B_henry miller]

I guess one thing that is difficult for me is that it just really means a lot to me that straight guys "accept" me. It's not that I think their acceptance is better than that of gay or other bisexual guys. It's that it's new and different. With straight guys, there is a complete lack of sexual tension -- which I do not experience with women or gay or bisexual men. With women, gay men, and bisexual men, there is ALWAYS sexual tension. With straight guys, the lack of sexual tension allows me to relax.

I suppose what I fear, then, is that if the straight guys find out that I'm bisexual, then sexual tension WILL become a factor -- because they will think I'm attracted to them. Generally speaking, I'm not sexually attracted to straight guys, though.

Not at all! If you feel that you don't want to tell them your bisexual that is completely up to you. Honestly if they think of you otherwise they weren't that great of friends to begin with, sexual orientation shouldn't come inbetween friendship/brotherhood. I'm assuming your one of the "guys" because your a cool/down to earth person, not because your straight or whatever. I wouldn't say your being dishonest either, if you don't want to tell them you shouldn't be obligated to tell them. However some people will have mixed reactions if you do tell them, its part of the cruel world we live in. I hope this somewhat clears up your answers, not sure if I answered all of them haha.

 

[Kotchanski]

Thanks. That's nice to hear. Interestingly, it's the conclusion I had come to above. It's not so much an issue of "orientation," but of "gender." And I am definitely male. Very male, actually. lol :biggrin1:

I asked this question because of situations like the following.... I recently walked into a record store which sells rock-and-roll collectibles and actual records. I asked if they had any Madonna records. The clerk, whom I assume to be heterosexual, led me to the "Madonna" section, showed me the records, and then said before he walked away, "I won't tell anyone!" I didn't know what this record store clerk meant at first. But then it occurred to me that he apparently took me for a straight male, and most straight males wouldn't want people to know they were looking at Madonna records -- because Madonna is perhaps the ultimate gay icon. I took this as a surprise because I'd thought the store clerk would take me as a gay or at least bisexual.

Yesterday, I was in a bookstore with a friend, a gay male. I started to show off a dance I've taught myself from the Lady Gaga video for "Judas." I thought no one was looking. But then I turned and saw a very masculine, butch, "tough guy" store clerk watching me. He laughed and said, "It's okay. I do weird things like that too sometimes." Later, he ended up ringing me up. He made another comment, saying, "I'm gonna tell everyone I caught you dancing!" It occurred to me that this is, apparently, the type of thing straight males say to one another. For a gay guy (or bisexual guy), dancing is sort of part of your lifestyle. For a straight guy, dancing is usually something a girlfriend drags you into doing against your will, and probably the last thing you'd want some other guy to see you doing. I'm generalizing here, I know. But the point I'm getting at here is that straight men are taking me as another straight male, I guess.

Maybe the lesson to be learned here is that straight males seem to assume that all other males -- or at least all other masculine males -- are straight as well. I suppose there's a stereotype that all gay males are effeminate and look like or act like women. I've always known masculine gay men, and I know what goes on inside of me (bisexuality), so I thought straight guys would look at me and know, just by looking, that I'm bisexual. Apparently not.

Another reason I ask is as follows. I have many acquaintances who are straight males (at least to my knowledge), and some of them really like me, admire me for my athletic abilities, my work ethic at the gym, etc. I often wonder how they'd react to find that I'm bisexual. There's been no reason to reveal this aspect of myself to them, so I haven't. But I sometimes wonder if I misrepresent myself. I mean, am I, as a bisexual man, obligated to be a little more feminine? lol. I really don't want to be. I love masculinity. I don't understand gay or bisexual men who want to be feminine. I don't get it. If you're gay or bisexual, you like other men, right? lol :biggrin1:

Based on the bolded parts (added by me!) I suspect my husband may be gay

No, seriously, you're right.

I've known many straight men in my life, the majority of whom would hang themselves before being caught dancing to Lady Gaga or buying a Madonna record. I don't know why, it makes no sense to me at all.

My husband is the proud owner of a Madonna record, The Immaculate Collection I believe (I'm no fan myself) and can often be found dancing his way around stores.

Maybe the answer is:

There are straight men out there who give a shit, and those men will look at every aspect of your life, every step you take, and scrutinize every word that comes out of your mouth in order to work out which group you belong to. These are probably the ones also most likely to consider you gay, no matter how much you correct them.

Then there are straight men who really couldn't care less if they tried, and to them, you're just a guy who listens to Madonna and dances to really crap music in stores (sorry) They give no thought to your orientation, and even if they did know, still wouldn't care, aside from maybe throwing in some harmless flirting to pass the time of day - My husband threatens to run away with Flame Boy on a regular basis!

 

[B_henry miller]

Hmm.... If I may allow myself to think out-loud and write to myself.

I just realized that, in the context of my friendships with other straight guys, I AM "straight." Unlike some gay or bisexual guys, I do not want to get straight guys into bed. What I enjoy about friendships/acquaintanceships with straight guys is the lack of sexual tension, and I think that's what straight guys enjoy in one another.

Gay guys have the lack of sexual tension with women. Us bisexual guys virtually have that with no one. I, myself, however, have that lack of sexual tension with straight guys -- because I'm not sexually interested in straight guys.

 

[B_henry miller]

Thanks. Interesting response. I suppose another thing to take into account is that it's not all about sexuality. After getting closer to a given person you risk rejection for many reasons. Say I am straight; if I get close to another straight guy, maybe we'd end up disagreeing on politics or sports, etc.

Based on the bolded parts (added by me!) I suspect my husband may be gay

No, seriously, you're right.

I've known many straight men in my life, the majority of whom would hang themselves before being caught dancing to Lady Gaga or buying a Madonna record. I don't know why, it makes no sense to me at all.

My husband is the proud owner of a Madonna record, The Immaculate Collection I believe (I'm no fan myself) and can often be found dancing his way around stores.

Maybe the answer is:

There are straight men out there who give a shit, and those men will look at every aspect of your life, every step you take, and scrutinize every word that comes out of your mouth in order to work out which group you belong to. These are probably the ones also most likely to consider you gay, no matter how much you correct them.

Then there are straight men who really couldn't care less if they tried, and to them, you're just a guy who listens to Madonna and dances to really crap music in stores (sorry) They give no thought to your orientation, and even if they did know, still wouldn't care, aside from maybe throwing in some harmless flirting to pass the time of day - My husband threatens to run away with Flame Boy on a regular basis!