Question on Ethics

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Showerbag, Sep 10, 2009.

  1. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    Alright guys, me and my gf have been doing great the past 9 months, but last night I was moving her clothes and my clothes to the laundry and emptying the pockets, when i saw a piece of paper with a guys email address and number on it. I have her hotmail and facebook passwords and am wondering if its unethical to, from time to time, check up on her accounts. I trust her, but things have been a little bad lately and getting worse so i dont know whats up. Is it fair that i check her stuff once in a while to re-insure myself? because its upsetting that a week ago when things start going downhill, i discover this address and number. what should i do guys? :S
     
  2. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    It would be wrong to do that.
    Behind your asking the question is your knowledge that it would be wrong.
     
  3. rainbowknight

    rainbowknight New Member

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    It would be wrong because you are doing it without her knowing that you doing it. If you feel that she is untrustworthy, do not go behind her back.

    Let her know that you found it and discuss it maturely.
     
  4. Countryguy63

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    That is such a hard position to be in. While I agree that it's not right to spy on others (oh, by the way, in some states, illegal), when you don't really trust someone, you want to know the truth, despite the method.

    The obvious, simple answer is to straight up ask her. However, if someone is cheating and doesn't want to get caught, they will usually lie through their teeth.

    Is it ethical? NO. Is it wrong? We can't say for you, you have to decide that for yourself. Just realize that in doing so, you are cheating (ethically, not sexually), and run the risk of geting caught yourself.
     
  5. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    hmmm good call... well i dunno if things were just peachy and awesome like a couple weeks ago i wouldnt even think twice, and just be like whatever, some guy gave it to her not like shes ever gunna use it, but just lately she wont even sit beside me or hold my hand or kiss me randomly, its just weird, shes went from loving, to cold. I guewss i can just ask her whats up and see what shes bfeeling first. i hate being in this position
     
  6. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    I think that's what you need to do, Showerbag.
    That's a good call.
     
  7. D_Dick_Dock_Doe

    D_Dick_Dock_Doe Account Disabled

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    I agree with senor-rubirosa, Showerbag. It's a tough position to be in, tho. I know when I was in a relationship years ago, I was under the impression that she was cheating. And I had good reason not to trust her anymore. I knew how to get into her email accounts, and I did do it. But the situation was extremely different then yours. I knew she was lying to me, and her behavior was extremely unhealthy (addictions). I had to be sure of what was going on before I confronted her.

    Was it wrong to spy on her? Yes.
    Did it prove me right? Yes.
    Did I get out of a bad relationship because of it? Yes.
    Would I do it again? You BET I would.

    In the end, no matter how much you love someone, if the relationship has gotten as bad as ours did, I would look out for #1.

    But it doesn't sound like your relationship is at the point mine was at back then. Give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her about the paper you found. And don't be a dick about it, either. Asking and accusing are two different things.
     
  8. Calboner

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    The only thing that is clear to me is that you should not do any snooping, least of all on as slender a basis for suspicion as this. I don't think anyone who is unacquainted with the two of you can offer any certain advice, but, given that the matter bothers you, talking to her -- just giving her the paper and saying something like, "I was emptying the pockets of our clothes for the wash and I found this. Who is that?" (or perhaps instead of "Who is that?", just say "It's got some guy's contact information on it," and wait to see if she explains who it is) -- sounds to me like the best option available to you.

    Remember that it could be something entirely innocent: women have been known to have male acquaintances with whom they have no kind of sexual or romantic involvement. And a woman who is innocent may be very sore about being put under suspicion.

    On the other hand, women have also been known to cheat on their boyfriends, to lie about it when presented with evidence of it, and even to use simulated indignation and resentment to cow them into submission.

    Sorry, dude. I just hope for the sake of both of you that there is nothing to this.
     
  9. dolfette

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    it's unethical to look.

    i have platonic male friends. most women do.
    you meet people, you get on, you swap details.

    i suggest you hand her the paper, say you found it in her pocket and thought it might be important. that gives her the chance to tell you what it's about.

    if you're worried then ask her straight out. tell her you've noticed some distance between you and ask her if she's still happy with you and if there's anything on her mind. be straight. say you love her and sometimes you feel a little insecure.
     
  10. D_Doe_Ray_Mi

    D_Doe_Ray_Mi Account Disabled

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    Communication, Communication,Communication! Talk to her in a non-accusatory manner comming from love. Give her a chance, expect the best and take the sharing to a new level of trust. Good luck and let us know.
     
  11. Phil Ayesho

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    Dolf is right on...
    do not hand it to her accusatorially or suspiciously.
    If you care about her, give her the honor of assuming she is trustworthy.
     
  12. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    You definitely need to ask her about it first. Chances are though if she is cheating, she will probably lie about it. See how things go and if you suspect cheating is going on, then look for more hints that it is and then decide where to go from there. You need to get more proof than a email address.
    You definitely need to let her explain before hacking into her email accounts.
     
  13. hud01

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    Don't snoop, do talk.
     
  14. eastbaydude

    eastbaydude New Member

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    Dude, you say you trust her, but you don't. That's your real issue.

    Think about it. You're not being honest with her. You found the email address. No big deal there. But, you've been hiding it from her. Talk to her.
     
  15. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    Well we're going on a date tonight before i head back home 6 hours away tomorrow morning. Ill see how tonight pans out and ill say prettymuch exactly what dolf said. im not gunna hack or look at anything. I haven't yet, and im sure its just a partner in one of her labs or something or just a study buddy. shes a really shy girl and isnt too good at meeting people so i think im just worrying too much. Ill let you guys know how it goes alright? :) thanks alot everyone
     
  16. Symphonic

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    Yes.
     
  17. Fleur

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    Yes, it's morally wrong depending on your given moral code. Unethical? Well, if you opened her actual snail mail....that's a federal offense. Just be lucky the laws haven't updated themselves? She did give you her passwords, knowing you could snoop...so maybe she wants you to? Or maybe she just trusts you quite a bit. Seems like if it's the latter, maybe she shouldn't.

    If you're so worried, ask her about the guy. If you can't trust her...it's time to move on.

    Either way, if you do do it and she finds out, she's never going to trust you and the fact is you invaded her privacy.

    If you don't do it and you don't trust her...it'll eat away at you.

    That's a Catch 22 my friend.
     
  18. Principessa

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    Bingo! Just because you have her passwords, doesn't mean you have a right to go snooping in her personal accounts. How may I ask did you get them?! :irked:

    FWIW: Snooping is unethical in any relationship, but the bigger issue is you don't trust her. :frown1:
     
  19. dolfette

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    good luck!
     
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