Questioning Sexuality - Any One Go Through Similar Experiences

chai

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So because of COVID there seems to be ample time to think and reflect on my thoughts. I wanted to reach out to this community to see if anyone has been through a similar situation or has a point of view / advice. I'm pretty Type A so I am going to organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense to me.

Preamble
- While I want to identify as bi-curious - I have no issues with guys or gals
- I can rationalize anything to myself so Im hoping I am not repressing any 'true feelings / thoughts'

Childhood / Highschool
- I didn't have a father figure or any male figures in my life growing up - I found it was easier to be friends with girls
- I have bully and teased and was constantly called gay
- I was a version of 'mentally abused' by mother - I think abuse is a very strong word and I don't want to make light of situations where people go through much harder
- As I didn't have friends I lacked experience with talking to girls - I feel like I missed out on a lot of important experience
- I was so confused - I watched all sorts of porn but mostly straight porn and pictures of guys naked or in underwear
- I use to fantasize about guys jerking off together / still do

University
- I finally found male friends and it was very different
- I had my first relationship but I was more focused with hanging out with my new male friends - as I never had that experience before so the bonding and coma diary was new and made me feel like I finally belonged
- Sex was good - only with girls - no problem getting or staying hard
- Had MFM threesomes which were really fun and saw my first dick in real life
- Had no real interest in being with a guy

After University
- I begin to explore more - mostly wanking with other guys - kissing another guy didn't really do anything for it
- I let guys suck and rim me but didn't want to return the favour - it was more of a dominant thing and getting off
- I had no interest in seeking out relationship with a guy but if I was horny it was much easier to use Grindr for a guy to suck me off then deal with the emotions / time involved with getting a girl
- Was into the party scene and was someone of an alcoholic - my social life revolved heavily around drinking & started to dabble in drugs
- My porn preferences turned into more mfm and rough sex
- I was curious and was questioning if I was gay so I went on a date with a guy - While I didn't really do anything sexually with him it was good to get blown - kissing a guy wasn't really my thing but it was great to wank together
- Over this time I want to say I had about 30 one/two night stands with girls - mostly after the bar or drunken hookups.
- I never got into a relationship because it wasn't really my priority focus - I spent a lot of time single and I thought it was more fun that being in a relationship would have been. Due to childhood trauma too I didn't feel like I was worth of a relationship. With alcohol I was able to be more confident and not have to worry about any childhood stuff
- I used the chat room here as a release and I found myself spending a lot of time on it talking about the stuff that turned me on (mfm, jerking and bro bonding etc.)
- I also think I had a bit of porn addiction where it was easier to watch porn then find the real thing
- Throughout the tail end late 20's I found myself using viagra as a crutch - it was now completely find to get absolutely hammered and still be able to perform

Most recent relationship
- Was with a female- finally found love - recently broke up
- While the sex was good it got boring and vanilla quick and I think I really like the chase
- I found myself either not being able to stay hard or get hard without viagra - this was moreso in the beginning to make sure I was able to perform and at the end when I was having doubts about the relationship
- Going down on her was fun and I liked that she came all the time
- I did find myself wanting to have more kinky sex or have mfm with other people
- I was kind of glad when she was on her period cause that meant I didnt have any performance anxiety and we could just drink and have fun

Now
- I think I realize the impact alcohol was having on me and I've stopped drinking as much
- I'm much more focused on living a healthier lifestyle
- While I don't have the same drive as some of my friends to get laid - I'm focused on finding a LT relationship
- I don't think I want a relationship with a guy - I still have no interest to kiss/have sex with - but still kinda turned on to wank or get serviced
- I'm trying to reduce my intake of porn

Main Questions
- Has anyone been through a similar experience
- Is my lack of interest/desire on constantly wanting to hookup with a girl indicative of sexuality- I don't think I have the same urge and need to have sex with every girl
- I also don't have the same urge to wank with every guy or do more - I'm not sure if this is repressed thoughts of actual thoughts
-

cc - Ask Straight Man/BiSex/Gay

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diemann96

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I went through similar things. My father was distant from me and a nightmare until my parents divorced. I then became quite close to my mom so no problem in that regard, In terms of friends, I was very shy and sheltered while my parents were together so I didn't end up having friends in the exact meaning of the word until I was 13. Before that, I got along well with both male and female (although I did had close relationships with female but in general there were no difference between the relationships between one or the other). Sexually, my awakening was primarily focused on men.

In the early years of high school and even now, I got along better with females but due to being an only child I guess I wanted a close male friendship but here's the thing. I think I knew how to differentiate between a guy who was close to me and someone who apparently saw me in other eyes. I had one close male relationship that ended due to dumb stuff but the following year after changing schools I got along with a guy with whom I had that close male bonding but also apparently a deep connection that eventually led to us sexually experimenting (Just masturbation). Here's where you could fit. Me and my friend drifted apart because I wanted more and he just thought it was weird we were so close after the masturbation session, in other words, just like you he likely appreciated the bonding and part of the masturbation but couldn't see us as boyfriends. Years later I came out as bi (primarily attracted to guys) but even for me, that label has become harder to accept in the recent months.

Even when we reconnected years later, he assured me it had all been just experimentation. Sexuality is very complex. Yeah there are gay and straight people who are 100 percent certain they don't like anything from the opposite or same sex but I guess people like you and me who have more of a sexually fluid view of relationships, it's a difficult trip. I think I enjoyed men and still found them sexually attractive but as I grow older, I can't see myself either in a long term relationship with one or sexually attracted to an older guy. But even before my recent changes, I knew I didn't felt like other gay or bi guys. Yeah, anal in porn sound fun but I'm not interested in doing that on real life. I found out about frotting, as well as masturbation and even oral guys who would prefer that in a relationship too.

I haven't thought in a woman in years but now I've masturbated more to women and straight porn to the gay porn I used to like. My point is, that there's really not a label to go through if you don't want to. You likely just found male bonding through masturbation a fascinating experience and that's it. Similarly to my friend went through. He wanted a close friendship with a guy and that was all.

I'd advice for you to try frotting at least once with a hookup if you want to but if you don't feel attracted to the male body and prefer a long term relationship with a woman then there's no other path to go rather than enjoy some last hookups and then focus on dating only women. If you don't like kissing a guy and if you have watched a gay couple on tv or a movie and haven't felt nothing then it's just sexual attraction so nothing to worry.
 

winesthel945

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To be quite frank, and with no offense intended, I think you probably need to talk with a therapist because your entire posting reads like a person with a number of unresolved neuroses and struggling with accepting your desires. There's way too much going on there to be unpacked on a message board, but a professional can probably assist you in working through the numerous issues you describe to determine which stem from real problems, which are you creating obstacles to your own happiness, and which are just you overthinking. Please consider finding yourself a gay-friendly, kink positive therapist. AASECT (Referral Directory | AASECT:: American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) is a professional society of therapists and counselors who specialize in exactly these matters. Good luck!
 

Honey badger

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Your overr thinking it.
You've also answered your own questions.
Your not interested in returned sexual activity with men ....you dont want a long term relationship with men.
You have urges to be dominate through being sexualy serviced by men.
So .....what more do you need to hear.
Just be honest about your intensions and your sexual variances with the oerson your end up developing a long term relationshio with .
 

OKCLane

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Find a therapist in your area. I met with and interviewed several in my area before choosing one. This is an important relationship and you’re in charge of finding someone you like and can trust with your deepest thoughts and feelings.
It was a 45 minute drive to his office for our once a week session. It was expensive. It interrupted my life. It required a lot of work and introspection between sessions. It was hard. It sucked and I wanted to quit more than once. It was a sacrifice of time, effort, money, emotional energy, etc.
It was worth every penny! My growing up was one of mental and physical abuse, rape and attempted suicide. I had some issues. I’m here today because of therapy. Go!
 

Brodie888

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In my opinion, there are a few issues but I will just cover the sexual ones.

1. You are not gay. You are a shade of bisexual like the majority of people. You will not turn gay by having more gay sex. You will probably remain a similar level of bisexual for the rest of your life. Your past history has not influenced your sexuality but it may shape how you approach relationships.

2. You may be right in thinking you are addicted to porn. Regular porn usage, like alcohol rewires your brain so you require more and more hardcore action to trigger the same level of excitement. This can lead to issues with your relationships because you can't maintain the same degree of novelty. You can't just jump to the next scene or do that new kinky thing that gets you off at a click of a button. On top of the alcohol, the porn addiction makes you need viagra because you can't sustain the level of novelty/excitement your brain has been conditioned to during normal sex.

To remedy this you should avoid/limit porn when you are in a relationship. Even outside a relationship, if start to notice it takes a long time to find a video to get you off, you need to take a break.

3. If you've noticed a change in your sex drive (including masturbation), this can be affected by lots of things but the most common are stress, drugs/alcohol/medication and fatigue. I'd look at these issues first before exploring other issues affecting your libido.
 

dreambridger

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Speaking on things I can relate to:

- My first thought is to mention that you don't have to downplay abuse you've experienced just because it wasn't physical. I've experienced both the physical and mental side, and the mental side is just as real if not moreso and can leaving lasting wounds. It's okay to talk about it with people who are willing to listen, even better to talk about it with a psychotherapist that you find matches you well. Personally, I'd take getting beat up again over being in a mindfuck of a toxic, predatory relationship again any day of the week. At least physical injuries usually heal eventually.

- as for your sexual orientation, the way one of my good friends puts it, he says, "I'm not gay, or even really bi, but I like to party. My sexual preference is 'likes-to-party'." He definitely likes bringing men into bed with his wife or sometimes watching another man with his wife, but he definitely prefers to be with women. I'm sure he has no interest in kissing or affection with men. I am definitely gay and I usually can't help but being sensually erotic with a man I'm having sex with, and I have to be smart and tell this to bi-curious men who just want my dick and not the touching, because I'll definitely turn them off with my gay-ness, and this has happened before. They have a random urge to suck a dick and get a load but nothing more, but when I start getting hot, I can't just lie back and pretend that I'm not into them as a man.

- as for your declining interest in casual sex. Well that just sounds like your priorities evolving with age. It sounds like you probably could hook up with any girl, and have a lot in the past, and it doesn't sound like that does anything for you any more. You've done it and gotten everything you could out of it, and now your priorities are shifting. I think that's just growing up. I used to like to take molly and go to EDM raves; now molly is the last drug I'm interested in and I find edm for the most part very irritating music these days. An outdoor festival might sound nice but there's no way you're ever getting me into an indoor rave again. See, I'm still the same person, just my priorities are different.
 
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51arledge

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I agree with much of what has been written above, but especially the suggestion to seek out a therapist.
I have seen therapists at 4 different turning points in my life and it has been very, very helpful.
My other suggestion is to consider how alcohol relates to your sensuality. For many, whether M/F, straight/bi/or gray, our ability to function sexually is tied up and clouded by our relationship with alcohol. There's the old line, "Beer: helping men dance since 2000 B.C."
I've been sober for a long time, but when I stopped drinking I had never had sex without being drunk or stoned or both. It was very different and feelings about what I was doing were confusing, but that's how I got clarity about my sensuality.
My most recent steady FB had stopped drinking a month or 2 before we met; he said he just didn't like the way booze affected his decisions about sex. He's still sober now 18 months later.
 

Brian S

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I haven't had a similar experience, but maybe I can impart some things to consider...

I think too many people believe bisexuality means you'll go all the way with both men and women. In reality, that can often be a shade of gray somewhere in the middle. I have known otherwise straight men who really find a bond and camaraderie in beating off with another guy/group of guys. I have known otherwise straight men who simply love good blowjobs, and who might prefer a woman to do it but have come to me when they feel like it. My point is don't beat yourself up at all over the idea that you might only like certain things from the same sex. I don't really subscribe to the idea that everyone is bi to some degree, but I do think a lot more people are shades of bi than they realize or let on.

That all said, of course drugs and alcohol can make you ditch your inhibitions more readily. I'm glad you have noticed that you may have had a problem and are taking steps to remedy that. Your decreased desires may have something to do with that, but in addition, it may be that you're simply maturing beyond the need to, well, fuck all the time. I'm fully gay and I don't have the same desires I used to; I'd take whatever from anybody, any way I could get it. But now there's a certain amount of "been there, done that", and I don't need to seek those types of thrills anymore. It's possible you're just more discerning and ready for a new type of life experience. A caveat: If it bothers you, you could do what others have suggested and talk with a professional about it. At the least, it may give you peace of mind to talk it through and understand yourself better.
 
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