Questions About Relationships Vs Casual Sex

chokeslammer

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I'm going to keep is straight forward. I'm a 23 year old male, virgin.

I went through a long period of time believing that sex should be exclusive to being in a relationship, and as a result turned down various women who wanted something "casual" before I graduated from my university.

Let me clarify I have no issues with talking to women, getting numbers, dates, etc. I'm tall, physically fit and very well-endowed. However, when it comes to dating women, I've always had issues transitioning things into a relationship. The vast majority of the women I went on dates with throughout college always wanted to hook-up, never "date" so to say. As a result I was typically the one to cut things off as friends, never pursuing further.

After a year not going on dates with anyone, I've more or less moved past that mentality for the most part. I'm almost at a point of feeling at ease with my situation.

Since you guys seem to be pretty open-minded about sex related topics, I thought I would ask some questions here.

Does loosing your virginity in a hook-up ruin your perception of sex? In other words, would I have issues transitioning into a potential relationship in the future if I just get used to hook-ups?

Should I be up-front about being a virgin to a potential partner, if the topic comes up?

Will a woman expect me to be good at sex / last long from the get-go due to having a big dick?

Where is a decent place to meet women? I'm obviously not living on a university campus anymore, so just 'hanging out' or 'dating' seems to be a lot different to some extent. My current hobbies are mostly male dominated, so I don't meet too many women outside of work or the bar.

How do you bring up the topic of hooking up without offending the woman? Do women want to hook up as much as they did in college?
 

palakaorion

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When the pre sex talk commences, let her know she will be your first. Some women may pass but others will relish the opportunity. This also sets expectations about performance.

Women in general like sex. So long as you're not creepy or oblivious, there will be opportunities. Let the relationship move in its own direction.
 

rtg

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I don’t think you need to explicitly state that you’re a virgin. If you are worried about your lack of experience then simply say “I don’t have much experience”.

If you are looking for a hookup then I think the simplest way to do this would be to meet someone at a bar or a dating/hook up app.

I’m a relationship person but I have had my fair share of casual deals. Sometimes I caught feelings for them and wanted more but it didn’t work out. And sometimes I didn’t think they were relationship material so was happy with it just being a casual deal.

Just be yourself, be respectful and don’t put too much pressure on yourself or the situation.
 

halcyondays

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My first hookup was with a girlfriend so it didn't seem like just a physical thing but as time went on we realized it was just a physical thing for both of us. We mistook lust for love and broke up when it was obvious we were interested in other people.

I don't think you'll have difficulty "transitioning" into an exclusive relationship. If you and she want it you'll make it happen together. That's about communication.

I didn't mention I was a virgin until our clothes were mostly off and we agreed we were having sex. That's about communication as well. I wouldn't bring it up before you decide to be intimate together.

Where to meet women? If you missed it during your undergrad years my suggestion is to go back and get a graduate degree. I continued to have a lot of sex as a grad student. You'll earn a lot more money lifetime with an advanced degree.

How to bring It up? Just ask. Are we having sex? Timing is important for that question. It's not something you'll want to bring up first thing unless she does. I've never asked a new date if we're having sex until the make out session gets heavy.

Do women want to hook up as much as they did in college? That depends on the woman. I never assume sex is going to happen but I always have condoms handy in case it does. And lube.

Relax. Don't be attached to outcomes. Enjoy the people you date for who they are.:cool:
 

Guy-jin

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Does loosing your virginity in a hook-up ruin your perception of sex? In other words, would I have issues transitioning into a potential relationship in the future if I just get used to hook-ups?

Only in the sense that the sex might not be very good and you might figure that’s how it is because you don’t have a strong emotional connection and it turns out that for many people, men included, a strong emotional connection is required for sex to be good.

Should I be up-front about being a virgin to a potential partner, if the topic comes up?

Why would it come up? If a partner asks it, just play it cool, IMO.

Will a woman expect me to be good at sex / last long from the get-go due to having a big dick?

Probably the opposite. Dudes with big dicks are renowned for being lazy lovers generally. You seem overly concerned with the mechanics of sex and not the passion of it or the emotional connection it can create, which I feel is what will actually differentiate good from bad sex. Well, that and foreplay.

Where is a decent place to meet women? I'm obviously not living on a university campus anymore, so just 'hanging out' or 'dating' seems to be a lot different to some extent. My current hobbies are mostly male dominated, so I don't meet too many women outside of work or the bar.

Fuck, man, if you figure that out in 2019, let me know. The bar is NOT a good place for it, that’s all I know.

Actually if you just want to get laid, Tinder is frankly super easy. Put a couple hot photos of yourself and put that you’re packing and not looking for anything serious and you’ll get laid. It’s stupid easy to find mediocre-to-bad sex these days.

How do you bring up the topic of hooking up without offending the woman? Do women want to hook up as much as they did in college?

You mean, like, how do you tell a woman you just want sex and not a relationship? Use an app or go to a bar. But again, you’re cruising for some low quality sexual experiences doing this, IMO.
 

chokeslammer

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When the pre sex talk commences, let her know she will be your first. Some women may pass but others will relish the opportunity. This also sets expectations about performance.

Women in general like sex. So long as you're not creepy or oblivious, there will be opportunities. Let the relationship move in its own direction.

Guess that's pretty straight forward. If she has a problem with it, then she's probably not worth being with to begin with.

I don’t think you need to explicitly state that you’re a virgin. If you are worried about your lack of experience then simply say “I don’t have much experience”.

If you are looking for a hookup then I think the simplest way to do this would be to meet someone at a bar or a dating/hook up app.

I’m a relationship person but I have had my fair share of casual deals. Sometimes I caught feelings for them and wanted more but it didn’t work out. And sometimes I didn’t think they were relationship material so was happy with it just being a casual deal.

Just be yourself, be respectful and don’t put too much pressure on yourself or the situation.

Thanks for the insight. I'm probably putting too much thought into this all tbh.

My first hookup was with a girlfriend so it didn't seem like just a physical thing but as time went on we realized it was just a physical thing for both of us. We mistook lust for love and broke up when it was obvious we were interested in other people.

I don't think you'll have difficulty "transitioning" into an exclusive relationship. If you and she want it you'll make it happen together. That's about communication.

I didn't mention I was a virgin until our clothes were mostly off and we agreed we were having sex. That's about communication as well. I wouldn't bring it up before you decide to be intimate together.

Where to meet women? If you missed it during your undergrad years my suggestion is to go back and get a graduate degree. I continued to have a lot of sex as a grad student. You'll earn a lot more money lifetime with an advanced degree.

How to bring It up? Just ask. Are we having sex? Timing is important for that question. It's not something you'll want to bring up first thing unless she does. I've never asked a new date if we're having sex until the make out session gets heavy.

Do women want to hook up as much as they did in college? That depends on the woman. I never assume sex is going to happen but I always have condoms handy in case it does. And lube.

Relax. Don't be attached to outcomes. Enjoy the people you date for who they are.:cool:


Thanks for the advice. Grad school is something I was considering maybe a couple years down the line, but not now unfortunately. Still pretty burnt out from school and all that haha


Does loosing your virginity in a hook-up ruin your perception of sex? In other words, would I have issues transitioning into a potential relationship in the future if I just get used to hook-ups?

Only in the sense that the sex might not be very good and you might figure that’s how it is because you don’t have a strong emotional connection and it turns out that for many people, men included, a strong emotional connection is required for sex to be good.

Should I be up-front about being a virgin to a potential partner, if the topic comes up?

Why would it come up? If a partner asks it, just play it cool, IMO.

Will a woman expect me to be good at sex / last long from the get-go due to having a big dick?

Probably the opposite. Dudes with big dicks are renowned for being lazy lovers generally. You seem overly concerned with the mechanics of sex and not the passion of it or the emotional connection it can create, which I feel is what will actually differentiate good from bad sex. Well, that and foreplay.

Where is a decent place to meet women? I'm obviously not living on a university campus anymore, so just 'hanging out' or 'dating' seems to be a lot different to some extent. My current hobbies are mostly male dominated, so I don't meet too many women outside of work or the bar.

Fuck, man, if you figure that out in 2019, let me know. The bar is NOT a good place for it, that’s all I know.

Actually if you just want to get laid, Tinder is frankly super easy. Put a couple hot photos of yourself and put that you’re packing and not looking for anything serious and you’ll get laid. It’s stupid easy to find mediocre-to-bad sex these days.

How do you bring up the topic of hooking up without offending the woman? Do women want to hook up as much as they did in college?

You mean, like, how do you tell a woman you just want sex and not a relationship? Use an app or go to a bar. But again, you’re cruising for some low quality sexual experiences doing this, IMO.

Thanks for the response.

That's the thing. I know this is mostly subjective to the individual, but should I just get it out of the way with a hook-up? Or would I just be better off looking for a more quality experience?

I've read some things online about people in similar situations and when they finally had sex the general reaction was just "oh, that's it?" or something along those lines, saying it got better over time.
 
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Casual sex isn't for everyone. There's also nothing wrong with casual sex if everyone knows that's what it is. The first person I had sex with, it was casual. I did dating now and then here and there as I felt like it. I've been in a monogamous relationship for almost 6 years. I had a 2 year relationship with someone in the past, too. I don't see any reason why having had casual sex would make having a full on relationship an issue. Communicate honestly and openly for either.

If you're honest/up front about being a virgin (or at least mentioning you're inexperienced) you're likely to have a better time. Also potentially a more sympathetic time if your performance isn't up to par by their standards. If I was going to casually have sex with someone, their performance sucked, and they hadn't told me they were inexperienced? They wouldn't ever get a 2nd chance. Harsh? Yeah, maybe. It isn't that hard to find casual sex partners, though. Even back when I was looking, which was before the era of Tinder/etc. Why spend time with a sub-par partner for sex if I have other options? Not everyone behaves like me, of course.

Having a big dick doesn't have anything to do with how someone performs/their skill, in spite of what porn and a lot of people on this site try to say.

As for a decent place to meet someone, that mileage varies wildly. I've met casual partners in a variety of places. The easiest was a dating site or personal ads. Now, I imagine Tinder and the like are the most likely suspects.

For bringing it up? I don't really have any tips. I was generally the one who made it clear what I was looking for, and other people contacted me.
 

Gj816

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Having a big dick doesn't necessarily make one a good lay. Lasting long doesn't just happen over night. If you're worried about that you can always jack off before you go out.

Casual sex can be intense. Being in a relationship with a woman you have feelings for, or are in love with is a whole other level of intimacy and the sex will be intense and sweet. What I call making love.

With some chic you're just out to bang, you're just fuckin, nothing more. Meeting a desire or a need, getting your rocks off. NSA may never get to fuck her again.

Women get just as horny as we men do. It's easier for them to get laid than for us. But yeah they want cock just as much as we want pussy.

The key is to be proactive with your health while enjoying the sex. There are STDs and sti's you can catch that can stay with you for a lifetime. Use condoms. Play safe, unless of course you decide to save yourself for your future wife.

Kudos to you for remaining a virgin. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. A lot of people I know your age are choosing to remain virgins.....

Just remember to play responsibly. It only takes one time to make a baby.
Maybe not the answers you were looking for, just my 2 cents. Good luck.
 

Guy-jin

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Yeah, to add to what Fade said, I don’t want to imply casual sex can’t be satisfying or good. It can be. But for me, at least, I need to be friends or in a relationship for sex to really feel satisfying and passionate. Actually, that’s not a terrible thought—wouldn’t be the worst thing for your first time to be with a good friend, actually... I mean, if you have a relationship of that type with anyone.
 
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You can have some fucking awesome sex without being in love with a person. Well. Some people can. Some have to have more of a connection, and that's ok too. Also, if you don't want to have sex yet, that's also completely fine. My preferred casual sex scenario was friends with benefits. It can work out really well :) Friends with fuckin'!
 

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First off I've never had a hookup or fwb situation. I have had a 5 year relationship with my first girlfriend, I met her when we were both 21 and she and I were both virgins, probably the best and sweetest way to lose your virginity. You don't need someone with a ton of experience to have great sex, as long as your both intelligent you can have a lot of fun figuring it out together. We literally didn't have to worry about any STDs or STIs only birth control. I felt we were on the same level together sexually, which was great. After 5 years we had grown in different directions and broke up. I really was only looking for a long term relationship, I had to work hard to meet the right women (also because I was in a Male dominated job field) I ended up running a newspaper ad , yes it was pre-internet dating. I ran a quality ad in a quality newspaper, saying I was looking for a relationship. After probably 20 different dates I met my future wife, now we have been married almost 25 years You kinda missed the boat not dating in college, that was probably the last place you could possibly meet a virgin, not that it's a big deal but I would suggest you try to meet a woman that has not had a huge number of partners or experience, just you may find the relationship is lopsided if she's had a ton of boyfriends and you've had no experience with girlfriends. My suggestion is that you would probably be smart to research dating apps and find one that is geared towards long term relationships. I certainly don't think you have to give up the idea of a relationship, infact I would strongly recommend not using hookup apps like tinder and certainly not bars, I think those types of things will just lead to a very unsatisfying cheesy hookup where you have frittered away your virginity after holding out this long for a quality relationship. That said you do have to hustle and get dating, but in the age of online dating there is great opportunity to meet the right women if you put enough effort into it and push yourself to meet women. there are plenty of women out there, so start meeting them, I'm sure you will find the right women out there somewhere, good luck
 
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Triasco

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As someone who's been in a committed relationship, had many flings and one night stands, and been involved with friends with benefits, all I can tell you is that it really fits vary from person to person.

Through sexual exploration, I found that I needed connection to a person in order to enjoy sex, partly beside I enjoy giving pleasure to people I care for. And if I'm not comfortable with a person on a deep emotional level, the sex isn't fun. It may not even really feel good. Poptart of that comfort comes from knowing the person, the other part from feeling as though I can talk to that person about things and really feel heard.

I suppose my point is this: Whatever it is you think or feel you need to be comfortable with a partner is what you should look and ask for. If they don't understand or appreciate those things, they're probably not the right partner to have sex with, let alone give your virginity to.
 

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As someone who's been in a committed relationship, had many flings and one night stands, and been involved with friends with benefits, all I can tell you is that it really fits vary from person to person.

Through sexual exploration, I found that I needed connection to a person in order to enjoy sex, partly beside I enjoy giving pleasure to people I care for. And if I'm not comfortable with a person on a deep emotional level, the sex isn't fun. It may not even really feel good. Poptart of that comfort comes from knowing the person, the other part from feeling as though I can talk to that person about things and really feel heard.

I suppose my point is this: Whatever it is you think or feel you need to be comfortable with a partner is what you should look and ask for. If they don't understand or appreciate those things, they're probably not the right partner to have sex with, let alone give your virginity to.

Well said, like I said in my last post I have never experienced a casual hookup and I doubt I would like it, as I enjoy caring and feeling for the women I have sex with.

I sometimes wonder if a FWB type of relationship allows for that caring and emotional connection yet, the relationship is based primarily upon sex. As someone with a similar outlook on sexual partners, do you think a FWB situation offers enough emotional connection and caring, without the in love component. Or do you find it's still a cold hookup type of relationship but just on a regular basis?
 

Triasco

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Well said, like I said in my last post I have never experienced a casual hookup and I doubt I would like it, as I enjoy caring and feeling for the women I have sex with.

I sometimes wonder if a FWB type of relationship allows for that caring and emotional connection yet, the relationship is based primarily upon sex. As someone with a similar outlook on sexual partners, do you think a FWB situation offers enough emotional connection and caring, without the in love component. Or do you find it's still a cold hookup type of relationship but just on a regular basis?

It depends on the individuals involved. I have had two long term fwb that were actually very similar in age, build, and even name. One wasn't all that great because I wasn't as comfortable, but the other was great and some of the best sex I've ever had because we had an innate connection we deepened over time.
 

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It depends on the individuals involved. I have had two long term fwb that were actually very similar in age, build, and even name. One wasn't all that great because I wasn't as comfortable, but the other was great and some of the best sex I've ever had because we had an innate connection we deepened over time.

With the second fwb did you fall in love with them or was it just a close friendship? Did you date while having these relationships? What happened in the end?
 

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No dating and no love, not in the traditional sense. A friendship of sorts. I moved away, so we drifted.
So you found a fwb relationship close enough in a emotional sense without falling in love. Do you think you could have continued that fwb relationship while being in a traditional in love relationship with another person, both at the same time?
 

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My definition of love is less traditional, but yes. While some assume falling in love is some automatic thing that follows deep emotional connections and leads intrinsically to monogamy, I believe that love us the deep emotional connection and can exist with multiple people at any given time. Sex, to me, I just a means of showing affection and appreciating connection, not the primary method of regulating relationships. If I were to enter a relationship, it would have to be with a partner that understands that my prioritization of time and support of them elevates them, as opposed to any arbitrary limitation on sex.
 

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1. I didn't lose mine in a hookup so can't say. You'll only have issues if you want to have issues. The level of importance you personally place on relationships will determine that. I would suggest you not look at it like that though. Losing your virginity isn't automatically some magical moment. No rights of passage. Not really. Though i will say that again if you find it to be important who you lose your virginity to then respect it. And don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

2. Yeah, sure why not. It'll help you weed people out. If they react negatively then there's a chance you dodged a bullet. A lot of times people's preferences aren't actually based off of anything logical. And not preferring you just because you're a virgin is illogical. Understandable to a certain point but still illogical. Plus, communication will never not be important when it comes to relationships.

3. Not if you got past the i'm a virgin part. If you've somehow managed to get past that without them knowing and into sex then yeah. And if they aren't all that logical of a person then they'll expect you to be good in bed even after you've told them. There's also a chance your first time could be with another virgin. In which case they really shouldn't considering.

4. As far as i can tell (though i don't date) is everywhere. One thing i'm fairly certain of is that women love confident men. Real confidence. Not the macho, toxic masculinity i can never admit when i'm wrong fake confidence. But i like this thing, game, movie, book, song and so on because of blank blank and blank confidence. And being a good person will also make just about any and everywhere you go the best place to meet women.

Here's another thing. Where you find those women could very well clue you in on the type of woman they are. If you see them in a gym they're either concerned with their health or want to look good. Book store..well they obviously like reading. It doesn't actually matter except for extreme places. My advice is to go to places you enjoy. Maybe not so much on school grounds like where you buy books and what not but some place based off of things you like.

And yeah. They might be male dominated but that might not be the case online.

5. No idea. I flat out have no clue. From what i've read online yes, women want to hookup as much as when they were in college. Problem is finding the right guys to hook up with. Though there's a very high chance of me being deeply incorrect about that and everything else i said. Though i would imagine you'll know when a woman does want to hook up. If that is, you aren't as brain dead as i am in that area.