Race Affects Online Dating Responses

[Gillette]

So basically folks aren't dating black women (asian men) due to stero types and what is seen as mainstream beauty, right?

So how do we fight this? Because if any you had a black daughter would you want her to experience this for the rest of her life?

Well, online dating at any rate but online dating is barely a step beyond catalogue shopping for some people. For the real world...

"Mainstream beauty" is getting more diverse by the minute as people wake up to the fact that real beauty shines from the inside. A magazine in Germany has stopped using professional models for it's photo-shoots. Definitely a step in the right direction.

How to fight it ourselves? Stop focusing on race. Not just the race of other people but our own most importantly. If your identity revolves around your race so will peoples' response to you. Help your daughters and sons develop their own character and personality. Let that be their identity and people will respond to them as individuals.

Translating that back to the online world, as Altered Ego's experience shows, you will get much better response if you present yourself as a full person rather than just a picture.

 

[hud01]

That's the very definition of racism. Preferring one race over another.

This is completely wrong.



Other things to add. I question that 70% of all black women go to college.
Here is one survey which calculated that overall only 23% of blacks for the year they did the survey went to college.
Education Working Paper 3 | appendix table 10
If you said that no black man went to college, that all were women, it would only be about 50% assuming a 50/50 split in total population.

But it is true that more go than black men. Another stat I read, over 50% of black men will spend some time in jail during their lives. This complicates things.

What I found interesting is that across the board, including black men, black women got the lowest rate. So you can't scream racism, when your own race responds at the same relative percentage as the other races.

If you want biases, why do women on the whole respond at a much lower rate than men?

I would want to see numbers before I give any credence to this survey.

 

[KTF40]

This could easily read as a racist statement because you've prefaced it with, "as a white man". But I don't really believe your being white influences your preferences for attractiveness so I don't think you're racist because of them.

Also I wonder if it's that you find whites, asians, and latinos to be generally more attractive than blacks or if it's that you find there are more whites, asians, and latinos who are attractive than you do blacks. It's a subtle but important difference.

I don't really the see the difference, but the latter is also true.

And while I can't really speak on behalf of the older generation (which I do think racisim plays some factor), in terms of people my age, my opinion is hardly uncommon.

 

[Gillette]

I don't really the see the difference, but the latter is also true.

The former statement has more of a universal quality, making it race based.
The latter requires a case by case viewing to see if they are attractive to you.

 

[naughty]

I am part Asian, so it does happen. :yup:

Sorry to read about your experiences on Match, Naughty.
Have you ever thought of trying online dating again?
If not, is the one Match experience influencing your decision?

That was an experiment. In real life i do have men of all races who interact with me. I just wanted to see if what my colleague said was true and unfortunately it did seem to be that way. Mind, no one even saw my picture until after they had passed all the gates. So I can only assume that if the only thing that was different in a profile where I couldn't pay to be shot and one where I felt like Scarlett O'hara at Twelve Oaks was my racial designation, there was a problem. They had no picture to decide whether i was attractive or not it was those two words African and American which seemed to have sealed my fate.

Match.Com was what the other women were using i tried it on E Harmony. So those were two different sites with similar results.

 

[naughty]

That's awful! Especially the nasty comments!



Yes....

I grew up in a racist community and family, although I didn't grow up to be racist myself. I don't go looking for just white men, but I also don't look specifically for black men (or any other race). I look for men who I happen to like, regardless of race/ethnicity.

I've encountered a LOT of sexism... lived with it all my life. Being a nontraditional female from the get-go (I was playing with toys that are considered traditionally boys' toys at age TWO!) will really get you that, and especially growing up 1) in the 1970s as I did; and 2) WHERE I grew up (rural midwest - very conservative area).

As for dating, I've encountered a lot of sexism as well (I've broken up with more guys for being sexist than for all other reasons put together). I've also encountered ageism on dating sites (I'm 46, and I like younger men, although I will date guys my age and a little older. I prefer not TOO much older, especially if for something serious, because I don't want someone who will probably die 15 years before I do), and some weightism (from guys who only want thin women... I'm not obese but I have a few extra pounds in the WRONG places. )

I've done a little bit of online looking, both at sex sites like Adult Friend Finder, and more traditional dating sites like Plenty of Fish. I get more responses from black men than from white men (and I'm white). I look for different things at both sites. I go on AFF because it's the tactful way I can look for well endowed men (of any race...) I've met a few guys from there - one white, one Hispanic, and one black. They've all been fine but not for anything long term, which I don't expect from AFF anyway. Of these three, I think I'm more compatible (for what AFF is for) with the black guy, but that's not that the others were bad or anything. They were all fine size-wise. One (the Hispanic guy - again, this is NOT indicative of all Hispanics or anything just this one particular guy) wouldn't use condoms, so that's a big no-no for me.

I've only met one guy off of Plenty of Fish. He was black. We dated a few times, but kind of drifted apart. He was a nice guy though, and college educated too, so there you go. We did have some differences in levels of physical activity. He was much more sedentary than I am, and I've encountered a lot of this with people I meet (regardless of race). I like being active and want someone who likes to go out and do active things, so I can do those things with a companion.

Hey sometimes the truth can be very ugly.

 

[Pitbull]

Hey sometimes the truth can be very ugly.

We are all prisoners of our own biases whatever they may be.
We can only hope that the biases are weak and that we have the strength to overpower them to break free.

 

[AlteredEgo]

What I found interesting is that across the board, including black men, black women got the lowest rate. So you can't scream racism, when your own race responds at the same relative percentage as the other races.

We can absolutely be racist against our own. I can remember a time when certain charitable organizations discouraged members whose skin was not "lighter than a brown paper bag". I can remember lighter children with whom I was acquainted as a child saying to darker children such things as "Shut up, you crispy critter" and "Eew! Get away from me you African!" I can also remember hearing darker children and teens call their lighter peers names like, "beige mother-fucker", "house nigger", and "Oreo". It's true this is more colorism than racism, but the source of the animosity is based in race; This person has more white ancestry than that person.

If you want biases, why do women on the whole respond at a much lower rate than men?

That's easy. In my experience, the vast majority of the responses my ads got were completely useless to me. They either made crude anatomical references, or they just didn't make me feel like any effort had been put forth. I had spent time taking and selecting photos, carefully selecting the words in my profile, and then carefully checking and double checking my spelling, grammar, and usage. Why should I respond to a person with no photo, no information in their profile, and a note which only says something like, "Hi. You seem interesting." If my first thought in response is, "Thank you. You seem lazy, inarticulate, unoriginal, and boring." I would prefer to simply delete the message and pretend I never got it. After reading many dozens of accounts here of other women getting these kinds of greetings in their private messages here, and getting quite a few of my own when I had photos up and when my gender was listed, I think this must be the norm for all women (who get responses), and not just me. Most of my male friends tell me that they are almost never approached by women on dating sites, and so if they are, unless the message is actively offensive, they respond.

I would want to see numbers before I give any credence to this survey.[/QUOTE]Click on the link in the OP and see the numbers. It isn't a survey. The site was created by mathematicians, and they love analyzing their own data. The only part which is self-reported is gender and race (on each individual's profile) and the data on messages sent and responses (or lack thereof) is from their own servers. I would guess the numbers are accurate. The wording is very tongue-in-cheek. I have met these guys in person. This is their brand of humor.

So basically folks aren't dating black women (asian men) due to stero types and what is seen as mainstream beauty, right?

So how do we fight this? Because if any you had a black daughter would you want her to experience this for the rest of her life?

We tell them what we were told! My mother told me life wasn't always fair. My mother said only squeaky wheels ever got greased, and my mother frequently told me things like, "You need to thincken that thin skin of yours, Baby girl," and "Life's a bitch , and then you die. Suck it up!" If I have any daughters they will probably be black and latina (since my dude is from Puerto Rico). I'll tell them they're beatiful, both inside and out, that I'm proud of them, that I hope they are proud of themselves. I'll tell them not to let anyone exotify them, and not to worry about rejection regardless of the reason. I will provide my children with ample opportunity for learning to cope with rejection by encouraging them to try out for teams, and audition for ensembles. It worked for me.

Help your daughters and sons develop their own character and personality. Let that be their identity and people will respond to them as individuals.

Exactly!

 

[Symphonic]

This is completely wrong.

Just because you said so? Haha, please. We're not here for your opinion or your feelings; delusional people tend to be the best at perpetuating ignorance and causing the abuse these words, and this population, suffers.

What I found interesting is that across the board, including black men, black women got the lowest rate. So you can't scream racism, when your own race responds at the same relative percentage as the other races.

Well, why not? As a matter of fact this is the most racist thing here. "You can't call us racist if your OWN race abandons you!" Why can't all the groups be prejudice against these people based on skin color, and the attached stereotypical bullshit that comes with it?

You really are kind of thick... huh?

 

[AlteredEgo]

We're not here for your opinion or your feelings;

I thought message boards with fora such as these were specifically for the expression of feelings and debating opinions.

Why can't all the groups be prejudice against these people based on skin color, and the attached stereotypical bullshit that comes with it?

This is my question exactly!

 

[voidout]

if being attracted and having a preference to one race over another is racism, than i guess i better join the KKK.

 

[Ed69]

if being attracted and having a preference to one race over another is racism, than i guess i better join the KKK.

Thank you!

I think there is to much thinking going on and not enough doing.

 

[hud01]

I would want to see numbers before I give any credence to this survey.

Click on the link in the OP and see the numbers.

Not the percentages, the numbers. I want to see the population samples.

 

[hud01]

Just because you said so? Haha, please. We're not here for your opinion or your feelings; delusional people tend to be the best at perpetuating ignorance and causing the abuse these words, and this population, suffers.

You really are kind of thick... huh?

But we are supposed to say it is racism, just because you say so.

I think the mirror is somewhere you need to visit and soon.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

That was an experiment. In real life i do have men of all races who interact with me. I just wanted to see if what my colleague said was true and unfortunately it did seem to be that way. Mind, no one even saw my picture until after they had passed all the gates. So I can only assume that if the only thing that was different in a profile where I couldn't pay to be shot and one where I felt like Scarlett O'hara at Twelve Oaks was my racial designation, there was a problem. They had no picture to decide whether i was attractive or not it was those two words African and American which seemed to have sealed my fate.

Match.Com was what the other women were using i tried it on E Harmony. So those were two different sites with similar results.

Hmm, then I have no answers. Fortunately, I did not have a similar experience, but always assigned my success to the straightforward profile and variety of pictures. Strangely, I still attracted the same type of men I do offline. :shrug:

The only messages I found off-putting were the occasional "I've never been with a Black girl before" openings. I was not trying to be anyone's first.

 

[deleted15807]

Are you racist? Just take the test........

The Race IAT

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/selectatest.html

Race ('Black - White' IAT). This IAT requires the ability to distinguish faces of European and African origin. It indicates that most Americans have an automatic preference for white over black.

 

[D_Aston Asstonne]

How is that racism? White men are generally attracted to white women more so than any other race. So of course we're going to go after white women first.

And as a white man, I find whites, asians, and latinos to be generally more attractive than blacks (even though I think Beyonce to be the 2nd hottest woman on the planet). Is racism a factor with me?

Nope! just a personal preference.i myself prefer asian ladies.

 

[Harold81]

I think there is some truth in most of the comments I have read. Black educated women out-number black educated men and it is hard dating and finding a good mate these days regardless of race.

Blacks are not getting married and whites are divorcing like crazy. However, for black women, I think socio-economics is a factor (educated professional women out-number black men), racism is a factor (white men, unlike many black men, still hold white women as their prize and do not date outside of their race as often unless she is asian or hispanic) and it cannot be denied that it looks like some black men are only dating white women because white women are the new trophies even if the particular white woman involved, which often is the case, is not a trophy. Look at these black football/basketball/baseball players. A lot of them are with white women and many of them are strippers, or are fat or are downright ugly, yet they are white and that seems to be the only criteria these days for these brothers. It use to be the girls who looked like Beyonce, but not anymore. She has to be white and if they marry their black high school sweetheart, they'll soon divorce and leave her for a white or other woman (Steve McNair). Often times these guys come from the ghetto, they have low self-esteem about their race and culture and once they get money, they want to coveted what the white man has including his women. What they do not know is that those of us in the black upper class: 1) marry other black upper class people (to preserve our proud black culture, 2) marry whites only if the are indeed trophies (wealthy, educated, from equally good families, not some stripper) and most important 3) we know that in America, if a black man really wants to make it to the top, particularly in politics and business, you'd better have a black wife, a la Barak Obama (White men do not want you with their women. They let athletes get away with it as long as they win games).

Keeping it REAL

I couldn't have said it better myself. Very well worded post.

 

[naughty]

Hmm, then I have no answers. Fortunately, I did not have a similar experience, but always assigned my success to the straightforward profile and variety of pictures. Strangely, I still attracted the same type of men I do offline. :shrug:

The only messages I found off-putting were the occasional "I've never been with a Black girl before" openings. I was not trying to be anyone's first.

This might be the difference. On E harmony they do a lot of the policing . I didnt have a picture up and I didnt really have an opportunity to create a profile that gave a true idea of who I was or of my personality. I must say that I do not look like my colleague or her friend who were having problems online. But I did find it interesting that the designation of African American seemed to have created such a disparity of results.

 

[naughty]

I couldn't have said it better myself. Very well worded post.

I hate to agree with Cookie but many of the things she says are true. This is what makes it all the more tragic.