racism and dating.need some advice

[Skull Mason]

Just move to new jersey dude, or post some pics...

 

[D_Ivana Dickenside]

yea yall are right. now i just gotta figure out how to spring it on my family. my sister prolly wont even care and my cousins (most of them atleast) wont care either but its the older ones. i wonder wat i should say

i'd say wait for the right time to tell your family about her. don't just spring it on them out of the blue. my advice would be to get the immediate family members all together at once and tell them then. it's always easier to say it once instead of explaining yourself over and over to each person. even if they react badly, just remember this about you and what makes you happy. good luck! keep us updated.

 

[Principessa]

Dude a relationship is all about how the other person makes u feel. Its not about the colour of their skin their wealth or status in society. Also its u that are having the relationship. Not your family your friends or your neighbours. Yes its tricky for you but if she makes u feel good stick with it and if its meant to be it will last.

I'm speaking from experience in being in a mixed race relationship. Fuck em if they don't like it is my advice xx

That's good advice, but until you have experienced the overt and covert racism that still thrives in America you just don't get it. :frown1:

What NJQT said, except that SOUTH (ie. Miami area) Florida might work.

Having moved from central FLorida to California about six years ago, I can say it is REALLY different out here, much more accepting of individual choices.
Dave

Florida is where many people from the north go to retire. It is also the only southern state in which it's natural inhabitants have no discernible drawl. Miami last time I heard was like a little Cuba. I had a few Cuban friends in college. They were very cool and I loved learning about their culture and food.

Do you think that's because California wasn't settled by religious pilgrims?

You know your family aren't accepting of white people. A given. You know you are going to feel uncomfortable with the local hoodies. Another given. Plan on how to properly deal with their issues. Don't ever think that you are going to change their minds. You won't.

You have found a soulmate. And are you going to let the hoodies and your family mess with that?

Good advice, but he's young and it's so hard to go against your familys beliefs at that age. I still remember the screaming match that ensued when I told my father a white boy had asked me to the senior prom. :frown1:

Years later when I was seriously dating a white man, my father not only wouldn't allow him into our home (forcing us to sneak around) he had a codicil added to his will stating that "if I marry a white man I get nothing." If I marry a white man and my dad dies , the part of his estate previously designated, for me is, to be divided between a few black charities. I am not joking. He really had this done I have seen the will. It's important to realize that a) my parents aren't wealthy, b) all the good stuff is in moms name, c) I am an only child.

I feel the OP's pain I really do. :frown1: I was about 20 when I realized that everytime I tried to make my parents happy I failed and felt miserable. The best thing I could do for me was to just do what I could to make me happy, within the parameters of the law and the 10 Commandments. Anytime I have been miserable, unhappy, or depressed it has been because I had forgotten that.

 

[erratic]

Dude, it sounds almost like you're coming out of the closet! Like all these people are going to be crushed when you tell them what's going on.

You've gotten lots of really good "be true to your love advice" that I agree with and won't just regurgitate here. My practical advice? First, don't say anything about how you found the African American women you dated to be immature. I think that would just piss people off. If people ask you "Why a white woman?" say it's not about white, it's about her. If she were not white I'm assuming you'd still feel pretty much the same about her, no? I'm sure that will be a tough pill to swallow for some people, but it's not about you. It's about them. I think, though, that as long as people understand (no matter how long it takes) that this relationship is not about a white woman but this woman in particular things will turn out as well as they can.

You may also want to consider carefully how you introduce her to your family. Talk about her first, maybe? How great she is, how happy she makes you. You know better than I do the great stuff about her. Maybe say you're worried about being introduced to her family because you're not white. Maybe once you've introduced the idea of her you can introduce the actual her more easily?

And have you talked to her about all of this? Has she talked to you about what it will be like introducing you to her family? This is a really stressful time for couples in your situation, I know. You need to present a united front and you need to be each other's support.

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

Come here to Oregon. We'll welcome you with open arms. So long as you recycle your trash. And so long as you're not from California.

I have no real advice for you, but I'm hoping you get clarity about what you need to do. Good luck!

 

[invisibleman]

You know your family aren't accepting of white people. A given. You know you are going to feel uncomfortable with the local hoodies. Another given. Plan on how to properly deal with their issues. Don't ever think that you are going to change their minds. You won't.

You have found a soulmate. And are you going to let the hoodies and your family mess with that?

Good advice, but he's young and it's so hard to go against your familys beliefs at that age. I still remember the screaming match that ensued when I told my father a white boy had asked me to the senior prom. :frown1:


Yeah, I feel for you. My father had the same issue but my mom was okay with it. My dad's homosexuality and inclination for white guys but had no outlet led to his bitchy behavior. It was always an issue.

Years later when I was seriously dating a white man, my father not only wouldn't allow him into our home (forcing us to sneak around) he had a codicil added to his will stating that "if I marry a white man I get nothing." If I marry a white man and my dad dies , the part of his estate previously designated, for me is, to be divided between a few black charities. I am not joking. He really had this done I have seen the will. It's important to realize that a) my parents aren't wealthy, b) all the good stuff is in moms name, c) I am an only child.

Wow. I hope you hit the lottery, girlfriend. Or marry Donald Trump.

I feel the OP's pain I really do. :frown1: I was about 20 when I realized that everytime I tried to make my parents happy I failed and felt miserable. The best thing I could do for me was to just do what I could to make me happy, within the parameters of the law and the 10 Commandments. Anytime I have been miserable, unhappy, or depressed it has been because I had forgotten that.

Well, he doesn't have to take my advice if he is unsure of the ramifications. But this is an issue between his happiness and his family's and his hoodies' happiness. You can only live one life not others too. Why do family and hoodies have to drag each other down? That is some hateful shit.

What if this girl is truly the one for him? You want him to miss out on being happy? Maybe they could work it out on their own.

NJQT, I am sorry that your father wrote codicils in his own will. It is his right. You don't have to count on him to support you though. You either hit the lottery, marry an independently wealthy white hottie, or work as a successful entrepreneur in your own right. Be happy by your own standards...not by anyone else's.

 

[christina]

hey man that sucks! i went through the same thing with my ex. He was white and im hispanic. We would get looked at and whatnot but hey w/e. I dont know about u but for one I dont care what ppl think and two always keep your head held high. All those ppl are, are ignorant. Be straight up with everyone and if they cant except you guys then thats just something that they will either deal with or they will cut themselves out of ur lives.

 

[B_quietguy]

Wow! What a tough predicament. I support you, and wish you the best however this turns out.

Do you think anybody in your family can become your ally? Once you win that person over, he or she can act as advocate for you and your girlfriend. Your ally can speak on your behalf and perhaps even convert over others in your family. Also, if you fear some relatives may have strong hostile reactions, the mere presence of an ally may soften their words against you.

NJQT, so sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. It aint fair to you or any potential husband of yours, and I wish people could see past skin color to accept others for their character. At least your mother owns the "good stuff" as you put it.

I very briefly dated an African-American woman, but that relationship never went far, and I never told my folks about it. Only later did I discover that my sister can't stand being around black people. I wish she thought otherwise, but it is up to her to choose her attitudes and the best I can do is call her on her words, and challenge her to become better.

 

[Principessa]

Well, he doesn't have to take my advice if he is unsure of the ramifications. But this is an issue between his happiness and his family's and his hoodies' happiness. You can only live one life not others too. Why do family and hoodies have to drag each other down? That is some hateful shit.

What if this girl is truly the one for him? You want him to miss out on being happy? Maybe they could work it out on their own.

NJQT, I am sorry that your father wrote codicils in his own will. It is his right. You don't have to count on him to support you though. You either hit the lottery, marry an independently wealthy white hottie, or work as a successful entrepreneur in your own right. Be happy by your own standards...not by anyone else's.

With age we have both become less militant in our beliefs and have long ago reconciled. Our relationship is not the same. I definitely did permanent damage by following my heart; but I don't regret the good times or great memories.

*Snip*

NJQT, so sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. It aint fair to you or any potential husband of yours, and I wish people could see past skin color to accept others for their character. At least your mother owns the "good stuff" as you put it.

Like I said we aren't wealthy but mom does have a few furs and some rather nice jewelry. All of which I am allowed to borrow now, so it's not like I am a vulture waiting for either of them to kick the bucket.

I very briefly dated an African-American woman, but that relationship never went far, and I never told my folks about it. Only later did I discover that my sister can't stand being around black people. I wish she thought otherwise, but it is up to her to choose her attitudes and the best I can do is call her on her words, and challenge her to become better.

The weird thing is dad was the Deputy EEO officer for a Navy base for many years. He fought against all types of discrimination and harassment on a daily basis. So imagine my surprise when I was in high school and found out I wasn't allowed to date white boys. I thought I was supposed to date and be friends with nice people from good familys. I didn't realize that would exclude all caucasians! :tongue:

 

[LeeEJ]

One of my sister's black boyfriends had this encounter at his high school back in midwest USA:

Black girl: "What's this I hear about you dating a white chick?! You think she's some trophy or something?"

Him: "It's because I'm tired of black bitches like you!"

(seriously; his words, not mine)

I say, go ahead and keep dating. It sucks that racism is so alive and well (and anyone who thinks that the South, as a category, isn't racist.. is a fucking LIAR), but somebody has to take a stand. Might as well be you.

Part of me says that, if this really goes long term, a future move would be good (I'd need all twenty fingers & toes to count the interracial combinations I've seen here, for example), and part of me says that you'd further the cause by setting a good example there at home.

 

[kundalinikat]

I say go for it, of course. Others will have their own reactions for sure. I someone is put off by your choice of heart, then s/he'll just have to deal with it, it's not your responsibility to tiptoe around people who don't recognize a good thing (a happy couple) when they see it.

I (white boy) was with a black woman for almost two years. She is ten years my senior, and transsexual. It was my first time in an interracial relationship, and I had some time to get used to stares in public. But at the time I was proud, because I was so thrilled to spend time with her. We got ugly looks and muttered comments from people on the street, but such people can all go fuck themselves, am I right?

Don't let people who limit themselves to the 'right' kind of lover choose your lovers for you.

 

[MovingForward]

Just look at what qualities you like most and then appreciate that even more.

 

[B_lamdellboo]

I'm sure I don't know exactly where you're coming from, mista geechee, never being put in your particular situation, and living a relatively sheltered life, but my best advice is to be confident in your relationship and enjoy your happiness and yourselves.

I'd also say that you should tell your family. They're much better off knowing. My younger sister once dated a black boy and they made each other very happy. It was a bit of a shock to my parents and especially my grandparents, but once they got to know him and how great they were together, he was pretty much adopted into our family.

Granted, different families will react differently, of course. I'm still a firm believer in sharing (or, at least, not being ashamed of/hiding) your happiness.


Good luck, sir.

 

[B_Nick4444]

.

 

[CuriousGuy]

I know it's natural to worry about what family and friends think of your relationships but in the end you have to do what makes you feel fulfilled. You'll probably get some negative feedback but if they truly love you and want you to be happy they will be there for you. It's very sad that with all the valid issues in life we have to deal with, i.e. health, economy, racism is still an issue.
Good luck and be strong, your girl will no doubt catch some flak as well, be strong for each other and let your relationship blossom.

 

[cm70874]

I say tell them. I don't know what its like to have such prejudice in the family, but what I do know is that it would be difficult to change your families' opinion. But what will happen if you do nothing.....Just that.

So what my grandpa Miroslav use to say "Жизнь слишком коротка. Не позволяйте этому беспокоить Вас.... Теперь пойдите, получают меня выстрел."

It kinda translates to, Life is to short. Don't let it upset you. Go get me a shot.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

This is an opportunity to be courageous and walk free of the ignorance around you.

And serve as an example of a post racial society...

be honest, be unapologetic, be proud.... and act like it ain't no thing.


And when people give you shit for it... don't get angry...

Laugh... make some "heat of the night-guess who's coming to dinner" joke... and when they can't laugh along... just look sad for them...


Have compassion for the suffering of those who are filled with unreasoning hate.

It is not fun being them.

 

[Smooth88]

Hmmm.... this is tricky. I'm black too and I'm your age TC but I'm from Jersey. Racism is everywhere and you're gonna get looks everywhere you go but I see the main issue is with your fam. Family is always a sensitive area but it seems you really like this girl. I'd be up front with them. I wouldn't quite yet take her to meet them but just tell them you have a girlfriend and she's white and see how they react. If they react favorably or at least understand then congrats problem solved. If they get upset.... fvck it. It's your life and if its right to you then go for it. Really in the end it doesn't matter much what your family says. It's what you feel is right. And if you really like this girl go for it.