Random Sex Jokes

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by my64sqin, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Whats 40 feet long and smells like urine?
    A dance line at a nursing home
     
  2. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Whats the Chinese word for a womans pussy?
    Tung Chow!
     
  3. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Ole had to go to the doctor because he was starting to have problems with ED (erectional difficulties). The Dr. told Ole to just wait until Lena fell asleep and then reach over and put his finger in her pussy and rub it under his nose. That the pheremones would do the restand his problem would be solved. Ole couldn't wait to try it. Latter that night, after Lena fell asleep, Ole reached under the covers and inserted his finger in Lena's moist warmth. He stirred it around a bit and rubbed it under his nose. To his discouragement nothing happened! He again reached under the covers and stirred with more vigor than before,and inhaled deeply as he rubbed it under his nose. he was plesently surprised when his cock twitched a couple of times.
    More determined then ever he returned to her womanhood and stirred it until it was really juicey. He quickly put his fingers,now dripping with Lena's essence under his nose! A throbbing erection soon was his reward. "Lena,Lena , Wake up!" Ole shouted!
    Lena, startled awake by Ole's shouting, rolled over and turned on the bed side lamp.
    "Oh, Ole " She exclaimed "you've got a bloody nose"........
     
  4. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    When I was in junior college, I decided to take a class called the biology of women. Being a guy and intrested in the opposite sex,I was curious. The first day of class we had a film about human sexuality. This old proffesor looking Dr. in the film exclaimed " You can get pregnant the first time you have sex!" After the film was over the instructor of our class asked " So what is your opinion of the film?" Immeadietly my hand shot in the air. When called upon, I responded with "It was a good film but it wasn't entirely true." " What part didn't you think was true?" The instructor asked. I said " The part where the Dr. said that you can get pregnant the first time you have sex wasn't entirely true!" She said "It is true!" I said " That depends!" She asked "Depends on what?" I smiling, said "it depends on weather your alone or with somebody, The first 200 times I had sex, I was by myself.......The whole class roared, including the instructor...
     
  5. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    When I was in nursing school and we were starting to study the reproductive tract in anatomy and physiology a gal in our class told the Instructor "I was born with two uteruses!" Quick as a wink an older guy in our class blurted out "What? come again!" The rest of the class didn't pick up on his humor but I did and about fell out of my chair laughing!
     
  6. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    A guy walks in a bar and orders a drink. Down at the other end of the bar was a shapely blonde woman. The guy tells the bartender that he would like to buy her a drink too. The bartender says " Let me tell you now your not going to get anywhere with her!" "You let me be the judge of that!" was his reply. After a while,a cute brunette walks in the barand plants a big kiss on the blonde. The guy annouces that he would buy her a drink too. Again the bartenders reply is the same about the brunette too. The guy asks the bartender why he said that about both women. the bartender said "Because their both lesbians!" Being a dumb country hick the guy asked "whats a lesbian?" The bartender, tired of the guys ignorance said "Go ask them!" as he gestured toward the two at the end of the bar. The newbie sauntered down the bar and approached the two gals and inquired to them " The bartender told me I wouln't get anywhere with either one of you!" The blonde cooly ststed "He's right!" "And why not?" He demanded of her. The brunette said" because we are lesbians" "and just what the hell is a lesbian?" he demanded. the blonde replied in a matter of fact voice" Mister, I'd rather kiss my partner here on the pussy then you on the lips!" The guy steped back and said in a rather loud voice " Fine! Bartender bring us three lesbians your finest scotch!".....
     
  7. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Ole and Lena were due to be wed in 6 months. Lena's mother was throwing them a party to get the two families to know each other. Lena had a bad heart condition but to her mother's dismay, never told Ole. Lena's mother inquired to lena in the kitchen "Now, Lena did you tell Ole of your heart condition?" Lena said "No mama, but I will" Lena's mom said "Its not right of you to with hold that from a good man like Ole is! Either you tell him this afternoon or I will!" Latter that evening Lena was presented the same question by her mother and again the answer was no. So her mother , tired of her daughters stalling, said "Forget it ,I'll tell him myself!' Lena's mother struted out into the living room and in front of God and everybody present, announced " Ole did you know that my daughter Lena has acute angina?" Ole with out missing a beat said "Yah sure I know it, and her tits are real cute too!"....
     
  8. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Chinese word for 69: two ken chew
     
  9. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Seen on bumper sticker :) If you don't like oral sex, keep your mouth shut!
    If sex is a pain in the ass,you've been doing it wrong!
     
  10. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Jane just returned home from the gynecologist. She was mad as hell because he had made a remark about the size of her vagina. Jane went to her room and took her dress and panties off. She decided to go in the bathroom and look at that part of herself in a mirror to see if that doctor knew what the hell he was talking about. She took the shaving mirror off the wall, placed it on the floor and strattled it, looking down at her vagina from different positions. Just then the bathroom door flew open. It was her husband Steve. He quickly aprroached the stool and took a much needed piss. Steve looked at Jane and inquired "What cha doing, honey?" Jane didn't want Steve to know what the doctor had said, so she simply explained, " Nothing, just kind of dancing around a little!" Steve said as he zipped his pants " Okay, but be careful so you don't fall into that big hole in the floor!" ......:biggrin1:
     
  11. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    I'm not bragging about my length or anything but one time this gal and I were having sex in the backseat of my car after a nite of heavy drinking. All at once she started violently coughing and gaging. I stopped what I was doing and asked her if she was okay. She continued coughing and coughed up her IUD....
     
  12. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    A womans rights advocate was speaking at this convention. She said " Spousal abuse is at an all time high in this state. Do you realize that over 30 % of women in this state are battered?" I quickly said " Really, and here I've been eating mine plain all the time!"...
     
  13. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    Why is pussy hair curly? So it doesn't poke your eyes out:)
     
  14. nakedwally

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    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"​
    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."​
    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"​
    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."​
     
  15. my64sqin

    my64sqin New Member

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    A young man was up on a ladder painting a house. He was excited about his upcoming marriage that weekend. The more he thought about his bride to be the harder his penis got. Finally he could take it no longer and decided to climb down and take matters into his own hands. He fell 8 feet and lit face down on the concrete sidewalk!
    White hot pain seared over his groin as his coworkers called 9-1-1. Upon getting examined in the ER, the Dr. told him he had broken his penisAnd that he'd have to wear a cast on it for two weeks. The poor guy explained how he was to be married that very weekend and couldn't wear a cast on his honeymoon. So the Dr. took two tongue depressers and gauze and wrapped him up in a splint. The Doctor also wrote him a prescription fora very potent pain killer.
    The young man made it through the ceremony alright and him and his new wife went into their honeymoon suite. He didn't know what the hell he was going to tell her about his penis being in a splint. His wife went into the bathroom to get cleaned up and ready for a night of passionate love making. The man stripped all his clothes off except the splint and jumped under the covers of the bed. His beautiful,young wife came out of the bathroom clad ina lacey teddy. "You see these titties?" She teased,"No mans hands have ever touched these titties!" Shedding the panties She asked "You see this pussy?" she asked "No mans eyes have ever seen this pussy!"
    The young man excitedly exclaimed "Well that ain't nothing!" He threw down the covers and said "Look at this, My peter isn't even out of the Wrapper yet!"....
     
  16. D_Mona Samore

    D_Mona Samore Account Disabled

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    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going
    out with each other for a long time.
    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
    to get married.
    Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
    conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
    finances, living arrangements and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach
    the subject of their physical relationship.

    "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
    hesitantly.

    "Well, " she said, responding very carefully,
    "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking
    over his glasses, he quietly asked, "Is that one word or two?"
     
  17. MsThang

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    LMAO, that is funny DragonNurse.
     
  18. dirkjesje

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    Two Italians on a bus.
    They are speaking with their heavy accent English.
    A lady sits close to them and heard the conversations of the 2.

    "Emma comme first. Den I come. Den two asses comme together. I comme once-a-more. two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed ..." interrupted the lady "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

    "Hey, coola down lady," says the man.
    "Who talkin' abouta sexa?"
    "I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
     
  19. eurotop40

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    That sounds like the italian who went to Malta:

    One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
    So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
    I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
     
  20. crazy_one53402

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    Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?

    For sitting on Pinocchio's face and saying, "Lie to me" "Tell the Truth"
     
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