Random Sex Jokes

BUSTERHYMAN

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Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.


A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
 

joe1

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A young woman lay in a coma in a hospital. The doctor spoke to her husband and told him that she was not responding to any stimuli and that they were out of treatment ideas. "What can be done?" the husband asked. "Well," said the doctor, "there are some reports that comatose patients have responded and even recovered when stimulated through oral sex. I will leave you alone with her so that you can try." The doctor was waiting in the hallway when he heard the woman's heart monitor flatline. He rushed in as the husband was climbing off his wife. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I'm not sure!," cried the husband. "You said that oral sex might help. But I...I...I think I choked her!"
 

BUSTERHYMAN

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EXTRA TIGHT MINI SKIRT




In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
 

my64sqin

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I don't like marriage counselors! I was seening a marriage counselor about the lag in me and my wifes sex life. He suggested to me to make love to her on the table after we were done eating. So I followed his advice and now we can never eat at Burger King again!.....
 

poultrygeist

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Heard this one recently. It's long, but I seriously cracked up. Hope you like:



A gay man goes into a pet store to buy a bird. The clerk unfortunately has bad news.

"I'm sorry Sir, the only bird we have is this one here. He is a special variety of bird from the Amazon, but unfortunately he doesn't have any legs."
So the gay man looks at him a bit and sure enough, he doesn't have any legs.
"Oh my gosh, that's terrible! How does he stay on his perch?" the man asks. The clerk looks around a bit and in a quiet voice replies:
"well, he...ummm...he wraps his penis around the perch and that's what holds him in place."
The man is impressed but decides to browse a little while longer. Finally, still impressed with the bird he returns back. But he gasps at the $100 price tag on the cage. The bird sees his anguish on the man's face.
"Pssst! Hey mister. The clerk will actually take only $20 for me!"
The man looks at him with wide eyes.
"you can talk??? You actually speak English?"

"of course I do! I am quite literate in 5 other languages!" the bird says proudly.

The man takes the bird to the front counter, offers him $20 and sure enough the clerks sells him the bird.

Time goes by and the man is genuinely impressed with the bird. However, a few weeks later he comes home from work and the bird has a rather unusual greeting for him instead.

"Excuse me, sir, your husband is cheating on you!". The bird says.

"Say what?! How do you know?!?" the man exclaims.

"Well, today a man knocked on the door and your husband answered it wearing nothing but a towel," the bird described.

"yes, go on!" the man demanded.

"the man who came in was wearing a milkman outfit and they were hugging and kissing at the door." The bird said.

"And????" the man asked frantically.

"then they came inside, closed and locked the front door and went into the bedroom, still kissing and hugging. But they left the door open so I could see inside what they were doing," the bird described.

"okay, and then what?" the man asked sadly.

"well, your husband started taking his shirt off and kissing his chest," the bird continued.

"and?" the man asked on the verge of tears.

"then your husband started pulling his pants down while he was kissing his stomach and reached into his boxers and pulled out his cock."

"oh my god, what happened next?" the man cried.

"I have no idea, I got a hard-on and fell off my fucking perch!"