Rant: The "just friend thing"

[hikky999]

Hey guys and girls, this might not be the place for this but after having recently been rebuffed im angry and what somewhere to point my views, maybe get a few opinions.
Why do girls i know say "I dont want to loose you as a friend?"
My ex dumped me and said the only difference between me and her new boyfriend is that she loves him.
That is not true as she recently found out there are other differences like; He has a drinking problem, drugs problem, gambling problem, lies to get what he wants and cheats on her behind her back.
She also said she didnt want to loose me as a friend
Now, for me, a friend has the following qualities:
You trust them
They care about you
They dont lie to get what they want
They genuinely care about your feeling...
many more nice things.

Now, i look for all these qualities in a potential partner, as im sure do most people? Do women really mean "I dont want to loose you as a friend, because i think you will turn into every guy i have ever dated?"
It is making me wonder
and i know this doesnt involve everybody, i just seem to be unlucky.

Im quite a nice person as most people on here with testify and i think its just rotten that some people can use this as an excuse....


Rant over lol
Opinions are welcome

 

[sleepiboi]

I've gotten this too much lately to the point where it's making me kinda give up. I've done the same kinda rant in my blogs. I'm not sure what to really say. I get the "just a friend thing" and "you're a great guy but..." kind of stuff. It completely makes no since to me BUT just gotta move on lol

 

[flame boy]

Maybe this girl wants to keep the closeness between you but isn't looking to develop it in to a relationship? IE have the perks and the best qualities of you, but not the commitment or responsibility? On the other hand the "just friends" thing is also sometimes just a nice way of rejecting someone without wanting to hurt their feelings, kinda like "it's not you, it's me".

She may have a genuine reason for saying it - meaning it may not be a bad thing. When you see her seemingly being badly treated by her current squeeze it will obviously make it harder to take.

 

[Free love]

It's been a long time since I was single, but I know that if I was single again and I had a woman who I was interested in tell me she just wanted to be friends, I would bail. I have no interest in maintaining a "friendship" with someone I want to be with. When I was younger, I might have just hung on to the "friendship" with the hope and expectation that someday it would be more. But I don't have time for that crap anymore. I'd either be in or out. Funny thing is that if you really like a woman, and you show interest, and then she doesn't seem interested, if you go do other stuff, she will very possibly come looking for you. I've had this happen several times in the past. So I would let go of the girls who aren't giving you the time and find some who will. There are a ton of girls in this world. Dating is just like sales. It's about getting 100 leads to make one sale.
If you're always on the lookout, you'll find someone who fits.

 

[michael_3165]

It's called the "friend zone"... if you don't take action quick enough to go further you will always be stuck there...

 

[SweetLovesVick]

I think hikky999 is saying she was his girlfriend then they broke up and she said "she did not want to loose him as a friend". This I as a woman never understood either. I have mostly since grade school all male friends. I find they never stab you in the back and "mostly" do not hit on your current boyfriend.

But my guy friends have had this said to them and they have all cut the girls loose. They did not want to be friends with an ex then have her running back to them to constantly bitch about their current boyfriends. I feel the same way. I did not want men who I dated and broke up with as friends after. Why would I want to here about there current life with others?

Let her go completely and get out there and look for someone new. Your list of qualities you look for is great and this girl was not for you. Someone is out there waiting to make you happy.

 

[closetbi]

She says that shit to satisfy HERSELF to make HERSELF feel like she's not a bad person. Honestly, move on.

 

[hikky999]

Thanks people, but its about two different people, well, numerous.
My ex dumped me because she didnt want to loose me as a friend and now i really like some1 (And there is chemistry there as we ended up kissing and hugging down by the river 2 nights ago) and she says she only see's me as a friend....
50 lillies and a love letter will hopefully do the trick... flowers tomorrow, write the letter tomorrow and hopefully she'll be mine... wish me luck?

think i need it

 

[Bbucko]

IMO you're suffering from a bad case of Nice Guy Syndrome, which is fine as long as you recognize it and don't let yourself be used by people with less honor than yourself.

You don't need luck so much as a vigilance to spot the signs of a user and pull yourself out before getting trapped in a situation where you'll be taken for granted and bled dry emotionally (and in all other ways besides).

 

[helgaleena]

In the case of the woman who dumped you for the real horrorshow guy--- she is obviously following some subconscious pattern that leads her to think relationships are supposed to be rotten. Many of us find ourselves inexplicably attracted to people who are just like an abusive adult from our past. Sad that you are a decent person and therefore this kind of nutcase woman can't stay with you.

Turn the problem on its head. What is it you are looking for in a woman that leads you to be involved with those who think you are 'too nice'? What adult from your past do they resemble?

I am glad you are pro-active about the girl you hugged and kissed by the river. But if the big display doesn't work, do not give up on all women. Cherish friendships with both sexes. And if you find yourself repeating a pattern, decide to branch out to another type of personality to date.

 

[OCMuscleJock]

well maybe she doesn't really know what she wants in a guy. Lots of people, not just girls, are intrigued by different personality types, but do not know what they want to eventually settle down with. You're a young good lookin' fella, maybe you should see what you REALLY want in a relationship before searching for one as well.

I was in love with my best friend in High School and College, but being in the "friend zone" made it rough. We had our "almosts" but remained in the friend zone. After college when I moved away, she realized that I was the type that she wanted to be in a relationship with but it was too late. I still love her...but it's more family kind of love now. *and I've found the person that I want to be with.* She's married and happy yet still needs her Greg fix on occasion *as far as hanging out, being silly, just letting loose*...but it's very platonic.

Just saying, basically, there is a reason for EVERYTHING that happens. As much as it may bother you or hurt, the fact that she wants to remain friends is actually a good thing. If you care about her, that is one way to at least keep her in your life. For the record...I'm only NOT friends with one person I've ever dated.

 

[simbablk]

I've actually said this to a woman I am really good friends with.

We both separated from our respective partners at the same time so we both had lots of things in common with that. We also shared some intimate secrets with each other that probably wouldn't be told to just anyone.

As a result, we grew to become really, REALLY good friends. As nature would have it, we began to talk about becoming sexual with one another (actually, we talked about fucking each other's brains out) but my concern was that IF we did become sexual and the sexual/romantic/intimate relationship somehow didn't work out, we risked losing a great and wonderful friendship - and I didn't want to lose that.

I value my friendships. They are precious to me. I would rather keep my friendship and avoid a potential disastrous relationship. But that's just ME.

Simba

 

[killerb]

sometimes it seems like women only want the guys who treat them like crap...nice guys truly do finish last in many cases...

they really do love the "bad boys"...

 

[Free love]

Hikky999, I had this ex that I was completely in love with. I wanted to marry her. But I knew for awhile she didn't want the same. Eventually, I got sick of the job I was working and wanted to find something new. She hooked me up with an old friend (and one of my ex-girlfriends) who got me a job in a different state. Clue #1 that she was not super interested. So I move and we break up. But we remain "friends."
She comes out to see me a couple of times, the first few times we have sex. Then later, just fool around. Then nothing. I hold onto these feelings for years. Fast forward a few years and I am out of another long term relationship. She and I start to talk a lot again. She is in a long term relationship, but not totally satisfied. We start confiding in each other again. A lot transpires, I find myself falling for her all over again. She comes out to see some friends who live where I live. We go meet up there as "friends." I confess all of my long-held feelings about her. She is feeling awkward, doesn't know how to respond, doesn't know what I want. A week later she's engaged to the guy she was in a relationship with.
One year later, I'm engaged to another woman. I loved her, completely. And I threw myself into the situation because I did. But I don't think she ever wanted to totally reciprocate. What she wanted, what she always wanted, was the attention that I gave her. But, for whatever reason, she didn't want to end up with me. She had several chances, but she turned them, and me, down.
I don't know if this is like your situation. But what I know from this experience is that no matter what I did, I could not make her love me. I know I have a woman in my life, whom I love very much, and if I would have ended up with this other woman, I would not absolutely not have the life I have today, which I completely love. So, ultimately, not ending up with the woman "I was in love with," ended by me finding a different woman who I fell more in love with and started a family with. So, all of these black clouds have silver linings. I'm not interested in seeking out this other woman at all anymore. We're not really friends anymore. She was never the right woman for me, anyways.