re-addressing a pre-existing "problem"

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Showerbag, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    I've posted here a bit about the trials and tribulations between my girlfriend and I. I apologize for the wall o' text, but i need a bit of food for though here. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We miss each other when we're not together, and we just love being around eachother. Only problem is, I would like sex, she would as well, but doesnt get turned on. The few times we have unsuccessfully tried we're just to appease me. I definitely value her honesty in such a sensitive subject, but when I asked her if since we've dated, has she ever been sexually turned on, lusted for me, or just felt a longing to just have me there and play around a bit, and she said no, never. It didnt bother me as much because it was followed up with "I don't know why, but i have never been turned on in my life, i have never been horny, i have never had an urge to have any kind of sexual contact with anyone. When we do mess around i enjoy it and im happy because i know how much it means to you, but i dont really get anything out of it." I have a feeling that maybe shes just really not ready yet, and for that reason i have halted all sexual advances toward her and settle for cuddling and just hanging out. My question is, although i kinda have an answer is how should i bring up my conversation with her to address that this is somewhat of an issue. I know there are many many psychological sexual disorders such as HSDD and all that, but I dont know how i should bring it up in conversation. Im thinking I should just ask her if she feels im expecting too much, and she wants to slow it down and take it alot easier, or see if she wants to have sex and wants to enjoy it, and work from there. Its a really confusing matter for me being 22 and dating a girl that has never had any intimate experiences or any yearning for such a thing, and no previous relationship experience. I don't know how to tell her i think theres somethins psychologically wrong and if she wants to get it a little more serious she should go for a consultation. i just feel like i dick for saying it. Im not angry or stressed about the relationship at all because we absolutely love each other, and miss each other even after a few days apart which definitely means a lot to me. Having a strong love like that without the hormonal experiences to fortify it, feels like something true. But i feel its gotta happen some time, and in many cases, stuff like this is degenerative and should get it checked out. I dunno, tht was pretty horribly pieced together, but i think it makes sense. thanks alot guys, you always have the best advice, and many perspectives i often dont see.
     
  2. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Man, that's rough. If she just said she didn't feel that way for you, I'd say that you probably just don't ring her bell - but she claims that she's never felt lust for anyone. 1% of the population is said to be asexual, and it's possible that she falls into this category. More likely, though, is that she's dealing with some kind of trauma or that her true sexuality is repressed - perhaps she's been sexually abused or raped. It's also possible that she's a lesbian. Another likelihood is that she hasn't figured out how to orgasm yet, which makes fooling around a less than fulfilling experience for her. The best place for her to start is probably with masturbation. Buy a vibrator and see if it works for her. If she's not comfortable with that, perhaps you two could try to masturbate together with your hands.

    Don't settle for a sexless existence unless you want one. You're far too young for that.
     
  3. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    Yeah, I know its a really touchy subject. I know in childhood she had problems with others and not being accepted because shes different, but her family is absolutely amazing and supportive. I would think it might be just all in all not attracted to me sexually if it wasnt for the fact that shes said never in her life has she felt like that. even seeing Troy or Fight Club and Brad Pitts abs lol. I dunno I think its a matter of just talking it out and finding a good pace we can both agree on and try to work in it from there. thanks though. Im goin out tonight, hopefully many more opinions on here later.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    In this instance some psychological counselling might help her to explore why she doesn't feel sexual. It's normal for women if they haven't had sex for a while, to feel very, very horny. As horny as any young man. They may well not have sex with a person who doesn't appeal to them, but that doesn't take away the fact that it's normal for women to have sexual desire.
     
  5. dolfette

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    you can't have a sexual relationship with an asexual woman.
    if it's always been that way then that's just the way she is.
    either live without sex or tell her you want to be just good friends.
     
  6. bigtwin

    bigtwin Member

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    It seems that you two have already had a few open discussions about this issue and I think communication is the key. I don't think you should be reluctant to tell her that you feel that her total disinterest in sex is unusual. Ask if she has addressed the question with her doctor. If she has not, encourage her to do so. What does she have to lose? As you point out there could be a number of reasons for this, both physical and psychological. At her age it would be a shame if she did not try to rule these out. She might start with her gynecologist but any dr. should do.
     
  7. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    Holy crap, that's a tough one.

    Some people just aren't into sex for whatever reason. Psychological problem, physical problem ... or, they're just not.

    Most of us need the physical, sexual part of our relationship with the people we're boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/spouses/whatever with. You are not a dick for wanting a healthy sexual component to your relationship. But I would not go putting the problem on her.

    You saying, "I love you, you mean the world to me, but I need for sex to be a part of this sort of relationship" would go a lot further than speculating about whatever sort of problems she might have. You're not here to try and fix her. It sucks, but this is a tough one to get past.

    I get the sense you don't want to be another year or five years or twenty years into this and still cuddling. From how you describe this, she doesn't sound motivated to make a lot of changes. That means you have some tough choices to make for yourself. It's about taking responsibility for what you need. Great sex fortifies a good relationship so we can go through the hard times together over the years.
     
  8. ZOS23xy

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    If you're dating someone like this I suggest "best friends". And you give me the feeling it would hurt to look elsewhere.
     
  9. Sergeant_Torpedo

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    Most couples, outside of marraige and its alternatives, that have regular sex are not partners, neither are they lovers. It is possible to be deeply in love and be celibate for some time: the idea that sex equates love is a sad reflection on the brainwashing from Hollywood.
     
  10. Stephenmass

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    The only thing I have to add to this advice is she MUST KNOW HERSELF that her disinterest in sex with someone that she loves is, in fact, unusual. So bringing up the subject with her and asking if she would like to feel those urges would be a normal way to broach the subject without making her feel inferior or shame. She must know already she is lacking in that area. To show support for her and telling her to check out any medical reasons for it, and ruling them out or in would be wise. If that gets ruled out, perhaps someone has happened in the past that she is repressing that needs to be brought out into the open with help from proper people. It seems by the way you write here that you love her. Support her and see if there is cause for it. If all of it gets ruled out, then it's up to you whether to stay or not.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    Stephenmass is right. She needs to know that it's a problem before she will want to change it.

    And yourself, do you want her as a cuddle partner only forever?

    I was in a hetero relationship like that for nearly nine years once. I 'handled' it by just enduring. But around the end I had to face the fact that I WANTED sex and if the man was not going to supply any, however handy he might be, he'd have to make way. It happened that I entered grad school which was full of agemates who liked my looks.

    I think you are marking time with each other, making like teddybears with each other, but if there will ever be a marriage, or reproduction, something must change.
     
  12. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    Yeah, i completely understand. Shes coming home next Friday to visit. We're going to watch a movie and stuff because shes got limited time and lots of people to visit, and a doctor appointment. I went out on a limb an asked her specifically if I stopped cuddling her, and kissing her goodnight, and just the hugs and cuddles and stuff if it would matter to her. How it would affect her. And she almost started crying, its like she felt so bad that when i put it in the perspective she knows how i feel. She said she wouldnt be able to live with it, it would make her sad, and really upset and hurt her feelings so much. And i told her "hun, thats how i feel alot of the time, because if i didnt do any of that stuff, it would never happen". Its been a while, but i also don't think shes in the right mind-set. She doesnt know how to act or be in a relationship, and she says that alot. We've tried sex 8 or 9 times and it doesnt work because it hurts way too much, further fortifying my belief shes not that ready. Although its unusual for it to cause so much pain after so many times, she also agreed to see a doctor and gynecologist, and take all of her tests. All of them came up negative. Which is a good thing definitely, and now we can rule it out. I don't think she would be so worried and trying to get these tests done and the problem resolved if she didn't want to try to make sex a part of the relationship. I know its possible shes asexual, or has HSDD, but everything is treatable (not curable) with hormone displacement therapies and psychiatric help. I didnt get too in depth though, but She want's to have sex, and she wants to be sexual. She says when we would fool around and manually masturbate eachother, she likes it, and it feels good, but it doesnt give her a yearning for sex really. I just think its gunna take time. I'm going to stick it out until We've tried all we can before i have to opt out. I love this girl, we've been through alot, and i could never wish for a more faithful, beautiful, fun and exciting partner. Thanks for all the food for thought guys its really adding perspective to myself.
     
  13. dolfette

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    poor girl! who would be in the mood for sex if it always hurt?
    look up vagismus. it's a maybe where pain & fear is involved.

    do you suspect she's had some sexual trauma in the past?
    or is she slightly aspergers?
     
  14. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    Well Her family is gold. She's pampered and babied and never been yelled at or scolded. shes a really good girl. She had a lot of difficulty growing up. She was born with osteoporosis and at age 2 she was in a body cast for a few years. Ontop of that she has scoliosis. Shes been through hell and back and all through elementary school was ridiculed and had very minimal friends but she got by. she likes being alone, shes gotten used to it and shes been pampered and babied all her life. Her right hip is the main pain spot, the rest is fine, and with the deterioration of cartilege and her age, they do not see it fit to give her a hip replacement at this time. it makes trying to have sex quite difficult. the days we did try were days where she didnt have to work and her hip was feeling relatively good. we can only do missionary at this time and havent taken much time to experiment. After 8 or 9 times i told her she should probably get checked out because this isnt normal. she took all of her gyn tests and showed up clean for absolutely everything. Since then we have obstained from sexual activities. She has the willingness to try it and want to do it. and i think that is the main up side to these tribulations we've been through. She been analyzed so many times and i think aspergers can be ruled out for that reason. Im thinking its something psychological and unable to be found out by simple tests. I wanan talk her through it and have her know shes absolutly loved and im going to see this through with her, no matter what. I hate having sex on the mind alot but its been a long timer without the sexual acticity. given her position i dont blame her for being wary of such sexual things, and i am pulling through this just fine for now. I don't really know what to do in this position other then be there for her and let her know shes everything to me and i will support her through everything. Vagisumus is also a possibility. Either way all psych disorders can be treated with modern medicine. Im not pushing her or anything just being supportive and shes putting out a relatively decent effort to get this under control. The way i see it is it could be much worse. I think most people after almost a year without being able to have sex would have given up, but what we have is what i like to think of as special. Ill keep this updated and stuff but just talking about it anonymously helps a whole ton. Thank you all for your support:D
     
  15. dolfette

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    so it's a lot to do with joint pain...

    what about from behind? if she was resting her body over a bed or table that would mean not having to twist or spread her legs from the hip, and there wouldn't be any weight on her legs. or maybe a wedge could support her better...for a lazy doggy style.
    Liberator Shapes : Wedge Cube & Cushions : Liberator UK | Sex Furniture.tv
    or spoons? is she ok laying on her side?

    there are alternatives to sex. the obvious bj, hand job & tit wank.
    also, if you lube up the point where thighs & cunt meet, put her legs together & sort of fuck between her thighs, so that your cock rubs her clit, it can be really good...you get the intimacy & sensations without penetration.

    you might already of tried this stuff but if not it's worth a try.

    sounds like she's had a lot of hardship in her life. she's lucky to have a great support system.
     
  16. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    wow this is weird and semi-unrelated. Kinda nerve wracking. I've been worrying about some stuff with my gf and remember seeing a guys email address and phone number a while ago from her monday class which is 4.5 hour long class. I just looked on the schedule it says its actually a 2 hours class, which slightly worries me that she might be hanging out with this random guy. she went to school 2 hours early and left 2 hours late. I hate thinking the worst in such situations but this is really horrible to think about. gah, fuck my life and insecurities lol.
     
  17. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Wait, she likes mutual masturbation? You left that part out. That definitely counts as a form of "sex", in my opinion, as do blow jobs and anal and all the other stuff that isn't intercourse. Intercourse is intercourse; sex is sex. They meet on the Ven diagram but they're not mutually exclusive.

    I didn't enjoy intercourse until I was well in my 30s, for what it's worth. Granted, I was in a lesbian relationship for most of my late 20s/early 30s, but had vaginal intercourse with seven or eight guys before that and never enjoyed it. I certainly didn't enjoy it with the guy I lost my virginity with. I think it takes time to figure out what works for some people, and if any of these guys had stuck around instead of bolting as soon as this issue came up, we probably would've figured it out together. None of them loved me enough for that, though - like you love your girlfriend. You might've read a thread I have up right now about how I only come through masturbation. I'm working through that with my current boyfriend. It's a huge struggle for him, but he loves me and is keeping an open mind and being really understanding. I can't guarantee it, but I'm pretty sure that if you stick around, you and your girlfriend will eventually figure things out together. It could be her fears that you'll abandon that prevent her from fully opening up sexually, after all.
     
  18. DavidXL

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    This sounds more like a good friendship rather than a relationship. Good friendships can be hugely valuable and rewarding, but you should be looking for passion, too. You want someone who is going to rock your world AND be your best friend. I've had some good friendships with women - they were nice, but something was definitely missing. (Never had passion with a man, though would have been open to it. ) Have had crazy passion with 2 women, 1 of whom I wanted to marry (and am glad I didn't - it would have been a disaster, and I knew it and didn't care) and the other one whom I did marry. Hate to say it, but if you have to look for the passion this early in your relationship, it's never gonna be there. You should try to keep this person as your friend and look for someone who wants all of you.
     
  19. Showerbag

    Showerbag Member

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    yeah... i dont know. im a hopeless romantic. Shes just been the best suited for me on all of the non sexual fields, which i thin is more important. i just wanna play it out and see it through until i know how rough it will be.
     
  20. cbrmale

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    Not true, or even close. Anti-depressants have been pushed by drug companies for a number of decades now, but recent studies have shown that anti-depressants are no more effective than a placebo, a sugar pill. People who were 'cured' by taking these drugs were actually cured in their minds, convincing themselves that the drugs were making them better. This is why plain old sugar pills proved to be just as effective. In any case, your girlfriend isn't suffering from depression, but possibly from something more complex.

    The only way to treat a psychological disorder is through counselling, to discover the cause of the problem and to set tasks and goals to help the individual find their way to a solution. This is why counselling can be a drawn-out process, because it's up to the person to recognise and deal with the issues that are troubling them. Nonetheless, one-on-one counselling is an effective method to treat a vast range of psychological disorders.
     
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