Reality vs. Emotion

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bblumbee: Ok, this is my first posting.... bear with me...

I am an intelligent and well-educated woman. With that being said, I have found myself in a precarious situation, one that I would have never imagined myself in being. I have often times refuted individuals saying that they had "feelings" for someone whom they met online. I thought this was absurb, yet I have found myself facing the same dilemma.

Recently, though communications with a guy online, I have found myself to realize that I have feelings for him (please don't be mad when you read this). It is hard to explain, particularly knowing that neither of us has met each other. I've asked myself how I could allow this to occur.

After gently bringing this up, this guy indicated that he was feeling something similar, although he never "fully" verbalized this to me. Hence, we discussed potentially meeting. He lives in a different country than I, which definitely could constitute as a problem, yet, financially, I do not see this as a problem. I have been blessed to be able to do many things. However, with our conversations, I am finding myself going deeper and deeper in this relationship, if I may call it that. He often times tell me that we must face reality, but sometimes I think my reality is actually my life. Is it fantasy? Sure. I have been there, initially, but things are much different. My feelings for him are different. (Sometimes, many times, I think we, as women, are more easily succumbed to these emotions than men). Are his feelings the same for me? I have not a clue, nor do I foresee him sharing those with me. He is a typical guy, constantly telling me that I need to keep some sense of reality in place. I suppose he is doing this on both our parts, ensuring neither of us gets hurt, but I fear I am to far gone.

So, here are my questions.... Are my emotions taking over and should I overlook these feelings and move on? He is often times encouraging me to meet someone, but I can't. In a weird way, I feel committed to him. Secondly, how do I effectively communicate to him how I feel? I know he will read this post, but I am fishing for answers. I don't want him out of my life. We have shared so many things with each other… I really need advise. :-/ :'(

 

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Rich2003: Hi

I have to be really quick so not sure if my blunt answer will be much help.

I met somebody through the site and, whilst on-line we got on very well and seemed to have a great 'connection', the reality proved great for a little while but things eventually fizzled.

The reality did not really live up to the visions/ideas I had in my head.

I think my situation was slightly different though as the girl I met wanted to experience a larger guy and my appendage proved to be the main (if not the only) focus of her interest

Rich

 

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Javierdude22: Bblumbee,

I can see how this is a very big issue for you. I can honestly tell you, that you are right, many people have experienced this before. And I'm one of them.

A while ago I started to take a more than 'just for fun' liking in someone I had only met through a chatbox, through the internet. It became a great experience in the end. The only dfference is that we lived an hours drive away. f course this exactly is the troublesome part for you.

I hate giving advice, I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes.

If your sure about your own emotional strength (well, who is actually) if it doesn't work out after you guys have met, you can tell him that he should let you do the worrying. In other words, he is saying to stay real, for the both of you, but tell him that you can take care of yourself, and you wanna pursue this if he wants the same. And that he shouldnt worry about your feelings in case it doésnt work out.

If you give it a good chance that you will be seriosuly be affected if it doesnt work out than I myself would play it tough for myself and try to keep a certain (emotional) distance. This sounds weird, and not everyone is able to do it, but if you can it might be a good option for just untill you guys both fel you can commit and you don't see any other obstacles on the road.

Either way: I would meet. Go meet eachother. Bring a girlfriend with you and have a holiday in the country he resides in, or the country next to it . Meet somewhere during the trip, and make a day out of it. Have fun, go lotsa different places, talk, do what feels good and tell him what feels right. You won't lose anything out of it, merely gain. These things don't come knocking very often. There used to be only óne 'the one' before internet. Now we get several (but still a limited amount), although we have to surcome distance.

One note to this though. If he is already very doubtfull about a casual meeting, than maybe it's not such a good idea. If he merely doesnt want to to spare yóur feelings, than tell him that you can take care of yoursélf. Another defining criterium might be to make the meeting where yóu live...make him come over there, if he feels just as strong, he will. But he might also be the kinda guy that needs a little shove to give into all this. Then it might be wiser for you to go over there.

Ok, I realize i've talked a bit much (and incoherently too), but I hope it works out for you.

 

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bblumbee: Thank you guys so much for responding. After posting, my friend contacted me, much earlier than I anticipated. We had a very long conversation; something that we needed.

Just to let you know, we still planning on our meeting in December. YAYYYYYYY !!!!!!

 

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wvalady1968: I wish you luck! Let us know what happens!
:-*

 

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AnonyMs: Feelings are feelings - neither good nor bad.  

A relationship requires much much more than feelings in order to endure.  It takes a lot of hard work, lots of communication, and at times sheer doggedness.  True love is not based on feelings but on a decision to act loving even when you are not feeling loving.

If a person is emotionally healthy and you have interests in common, no reason why you can not make it work.  

On line romances can be great as you get to know the person.  Of course, that is outweighed by the huge fantasies that can exist in your head!

At any rate, be very very safe.  And do keep us posted!

 

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wvalady1968: [quote author=bblumbee link=board=women;num=1066850050;start=0#0 date=10/22/03 at 12:05:10] Ok, this is my first posting....  bear with me...

[/quote]

Actually, this is your 53rd posting. What's really going on?

 

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Tender: i think in alot of ways a relationship can be BETTER when it starts as long distance or over the net.
it is very easy to get caught up in the physical aspect or the busy-ness of a relationship 'in person' so that you dont spend enough time on building a foundation on communication and putting those common ground roots down first.
the net is a great way to get to know a persons mind in other words without physical pressures in the way...

The reality check is as you said, the amount of distance the cultural differences ect that of course cannot be seen over the screen.

as far as loving someone you have never physically met in person, i see no reason why that cannot happen.

A relationship needs common ground ect to endure. however it WILL need the feelings of love, or it will not be happy, only an 'arrangement' of sorts. It does not matter how much you get along, or how things seem to fall into place, if the LOVE aspect is missing, it will not work. LOVE can see flaws, and accept them-can learn to deal with those flaws.

good luck on your relationship...
Tender

 

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sammygirly: I only have one thing to say -

Max and I fell in love online first and may have never met, or spoke, or overcome other obstacles that I won't go into (but I could give you a list as long as my arm)  

Your feelings are your own, and are as real as you allow them to be.

 

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bblumbee: It seems like a reoccuring message that yes, my feelings are my own. I really appreciate all the support and advise given from each of you. After sharing with him my concerns, we both agreed that our feelings are mutural and that we are going to persue this relationship - just to see where it leads. I thank you for your kind words and the wisdom each of you have shared.

And Ali, I miss posted... I meant to say this is the first time I have started a thread... not a posting. I do stand corrected.

bb

 

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fourdeg420: I know alot of people that have met over the internet, some meetings led to worthwhile relationships (my aunt and uncle met in a French speaking room thinking that they were both from France, turned out they both lived in LA about 20 minutes from each other, they got married and had two kids), some experiences were not as good (a friend of mine was date raped by a guy she knew online). One thing was the same with everyone I know that has met with someone off-line: they "knew" that this was it. The problem with looking for love is that anyone can tell you what you want to hear, you can feel that you are in love but not realize that the other person doesn't neccesarily have the same feelings about you. It's easy to love somebody but it can be hard to tell when somebody really loves you (especially online). Don't listen to me though, I'm pessimistic about everything, listen to your heart and that crap. Most of all try to have fun, rather than stressing on weather "this is it" or not.

 

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wvalady1968: [quote author=bblumbee link=board=women;num=1066850050;start=0#9 date=10/23/03 at 08:08:25]It seems like a reoccuring message that yes, my feelings are my own.  I really appreciate all the support and advise given from each of you.  After sharing with him my concerns, we both agreed that our feelings are mutural and that we are going to persue this relationship - just to see where it leads.  I thank you for your kind words and the wisdom each of you have shared.

And Ali, I miss posted... I meant to say this is the first time I have started a thread... not a posting.    I do stand corrected.

bb[/quote]

OIC.
Nevermind.

 

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gicast: hey bblumbee, what ever happened?

 

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bblumbee: As time neared, we both decided, after much conversation that we probably needed to wait before meeting.

We have not met, yet.

 

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gicast: Are you still talking? Getting closer or getting farther apart? or just taking it very slow?
(I sure am nosy, huh?)

 

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gushiggins: BB,

You are obviously a wonderful, deep, thoughtful person. Any man would be extremely lucky for you to have feelings for him.

Don't let anyone talk you out of taking things at your own pace. You'll know when you're ready, and no one else. Any guy who is encouraging you to physically do things you don't want to do (i.e., meeting, going further on in the relationship) after you've explicitly expressed your reluctance needs a sit-down.

Of course, talking things over and getting to know and understand the other person is a truly wonderful part of the relationship. I find learning about other people fascinating.

Hope everything works out wonderfully, dear.

-Z

 

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bblumbee: Gicast,

You do ask lots of questions, but it is ok. I posted it here... soooo.....

Our schedules do not permit us to chat as often as we once did before - time differences. I chat with him when I can and am always happy to hear from him. I think he is the same way, too.

Z, you are absolutely correct, too! I would never allow a guy to force me to do something that I did not want to do. I have been there before; never again. He has never pushed me to meet or do anything. We both decided that we probably needed to wait a little while before we moved that quickly. I personally think it was the best decision we could have made.

And, like you, the conversations are the intriguing part of the relationships. I suppose that is the basic reason why I am still here at lpsg.

Keep the conversations coming.........

bb

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

I haven't been in that exact situation, although I did have a relationship turn into a long-distance relationship and the Internet proved to be one way that we stayed "close." Having said that, the distance proved that the phone and internet didn't keep us close enough and we eventually parted in a difficult but amiable way.

I've heard of plenty of people becoming infatuated (and I don't mean that in a bad or lesser way) over the internet and I believe them when they describe it. I know that I could "feel" my ex-gf through the chat room. In her words I could hear her "voice" and could even understand her mannerisms and mood from what she wrote. Of course, I had the advantage of knowing her in person before this, but I think it shows that someone can convey their real selves over the internet. Later on, when our relationship was unraveling, each of us urged the other to start seeing other people because we worried that what we had wasn't "real" enough. But neither of us was interested in doing that. (In fact, I was shaken enough that I didn't date anyone for more than six months afterward.) On the one hand we each felt that what we had was kind of half-assed, that we deserved more than being a couple in all but the physical way. But it was strong enough that neither of us wanted to give it up and for about two months we clung to "half-assed" instead of nothing at all. I don't know how much of this pertains to your situation, but rest assured that such feelings can be real and as worthwhile as other relationships. Of course, all kinds of romantic relationships have a low long-term success rate anyway, so I don't know that my experience is an argument against internet relationships.

I think his urging you to see other people is just an indication that he isn't optimistic about your long-term possibilities. And it's easy to see why. Can you (or he) imagine moving to another country to see where this can lead? That's a really tall order and maybe it's putting the cart before the horse at this point. Meeting in person might be a real let-down and make this whole thing moot, so maybe you should cross that bridge when you come to it.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it seems worth it to you, you should see what happens. The big caveat is that if you're limited to the internet/telephone, a much greater effort needs to be made to communicate clearly with one another. You're lacking so many of the physical and sensory interaction that relationships often depend on, so it's really important that you put as many of those thoughts into words as possible. And like all romance, there's a possibility of getting hurt. Everyone takes that risk in a relationship and that's still true here.

Hope this helps some.

 

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roedhunt: A lot of women think emotionally, so sometimes it does become difficult to distinguish reality from emotions. I let my emotions get the best of me thru out my teen years to my marriage years ago. Instead of trying again and again, I finally became practical and logical. No longer am I a romantic or looking for a man to make my life complete. No, not bitter...I just tried all that..and personally dont care for a relationship...Not a "typical" one anyway..

The reason I'm confessing this, is to let you know where I'm coming from before I give my two cents worth... I look at all of this with no emotions.. just reality.. so if you want an honest, realistic opinion.. I will give it to you...

I give you the choice, because a lot of people only want to hear what they WANT to hear ;D

 

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bblumbee: Thanks for the words you've shared. As mentioned, it is a "tall order" for considering relocating, which consequently, I think is the biggest obstacle having to overcome here.

There are lots of considerations to think about. Lots.