Really confused

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Imported, Dec 27, 2004.

  1. Imported

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    DownBelow: I'm a really confused guy who is dating a girl for the first time (my first ever relationship). It felt good initially to have someone snogging and wanting me but by now it doesn't feel as good. She's made it clear she expects sex on the next date but I seem to be backing away. She's attractive but when I'm snogging her I'm not really getting that phwoar factor which I should be having shouldn't I?
    There are other issues which are totally confusing me:
    - I've always been attracted more to men in terms of their looks. In a packed room you can bet I'd find three times as many guys more attractive than the women.
    - But, I'm not really interested in having a sexual relationship with a guy.
    - Whenever I've masturbated over sex, it's always been me having a sex with a woman.
    - But, I don't find breasts and stuff that arousing. What I find arousing is more me having sex with another woman and using my manhood and hopefully giving her pleasure.

    So what am I? I find guys generally betting looking than girls but wouldn't really want to have sex but I would like to have sex with girls but I don't really find them as better looking than guys. I hope someone's got an answer.

    My other problem is the girl I'm with knows a few other people I'm in contact with so if I don't rise to the occasion on the night who knows what might be said? I'd rather stop it now and at least then other people wouldn't know if I failed to perform. I might be able to perform but I'm not 100% sure. Aaarghh! I'm so confused.
     
  2. TallHungLB

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    The road way to finding yourself isn't very easy is it? There are sudden drops, turns, and object blocking the way.

    From your descriptions of what (and who) turns you on, I'd have to say you about as Bi-Sexual as they come! You are sexually and emotionally attracted to both sexes. What you need to do is try to come to grips with that fact. You're a bit different from "the normal" people. Bi-sexual people are more open to life anyway right? So it's not a bad thing!

    As for your dilema with your girlfriend. Aside from not being so gung-ho to fuck the daylights out of her, do you simply enjoy her company? Are you completely at ease and true to yourself when you're with her? If not, then maybe you're just showing signs that you aren't really as attracted to her as you initially thought. It happens all the time. In my opinion it would be best to break it off now, before making the leap to sex. Having sex with someone the first time (in a relationship situation) is making a big commitment.

    If you trust her, I think you should just open up and tell her exactly what you told us. She'll be pissed off. She'll hate you for awhile. In the long run, though, she'll respect you much more.
     
  3. pervasiveone

    pervasiveone Active Member

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    Touche! TallHungOC, espically on that last part. The girl who I had been seeing for 7 years off and on went balistic when I told her about my sexuality.

    I'm not sure putting a label on your sexuality is all that great (more of a sociatal thing). After discussions about all of this with my shrink, he gave me his opinion, and it helps to to digest all of what you are feeling.

    People and their sexuality lie on a continium. On one side is compeltely homosexual and on the other side is complelty hetrosexual.

    [---------------------------------|-----------------------------------]
    Homsexual..................................................................Heterosexual

    Most people lie on or around one extreme or the other, but there are a few that lie smack in the middle. The funky part about that is that the gay community doesn't pay much to being bi (they think it is just and excuse) and the str8 community is either open or closed to the notion.

    The conclusion that the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with is someone who accepts me for who I am... not what society tags me as.

    I think you have a pretty good start on all of this. But as TallHungOC said...... being open and honest is key!

    Just my 2 cents,
    Ryan
     
  4. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    Nervous, that's what. Attractions aside, this is your first relationship with a girl that has turned sexual -- am I right? -- and the heat's on for you to perform well. And even when you've got a pretty good grip on the situation, that anxiety is so strong that it's making things unbearably tough for you. Not that they aren't hard, bro. First time encounters aren't ever really that easy on the nerves.

    Honestly, I wouldn't even fuck with the straight, bi, or gay distinction right now. That's a bigger deal to contend with for your life, not just this one girlfriend you've got now. You said at the end of your post that you would rather stop it now; frankly, I think you've given yourself some damn good advice. If you're not comfortable sharing all the whys and reasonings with your girlfriend, don't feel pressured to do so; I didn't get the sense that this is a long-term relationship or that you have a real strong bond of trust established with her just yet. For now, just admit that you're a little nervous and you want to slow things up a bit. And while you're at it, if you two end up making out, just enjoy it for what it's worth and don't get so obsessed rationalizing it all down. It's when you do that that the nervousness might creep up over you.

    If she gives you flak or threatens to ridicule you with your friends, then that just goes to show she wasn't meant for you in the first place. And it really reflects poorly on her that she's got to get an esteem boost by making you feel like shit.
     
  5. benderten2001

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    "Really PRESSURED!" might be a more appropriate title for this thread because I truly believe our current times (society) DOES put more pressure upon men and women when dating.

    Part of it lies in the media....what we keep hearing about what's expected of each gender in dating and courtship. This "hype" is a poor reflection of reality in many cases. Not all women (or men!) want or expect sex on the first or second date!
    Many would (and do) find such advances quite the turn-off. But THAT stance isn't commonly publicized is it? --No. Just the opposite.

    The other misconception going around these days is men's "mixed feelings and emotions". Many guys notice other guy's handsomeness, their "equipment" and other same-sex interests. THEN...that fear and paranoia sets in (again by society and peer pressure) that these feelings must make a man gay or "bi". This is not always the case. We can explain this by virtue that all men are created to respond to visual stimulus. We're wired that way. That's not to say however that there should not be some attraction and sexual desire for a woman if a man is claiming heterosexuality. But to label oneself as homosexual because he notices other men in some way....is ludicrous. And this stuff today really should stop.
    Desiring same-sex relationships goes so much more deeper than that. And, it's no real criteria either to pass judgement or affect the quality of lives down the road either.

    For many of us guys, we don't always welcome female aggressiveness at the outset. I know I don't. I don't mind a nice compliment about myself and perhaps a bit of tenderness shown to me by the first couple of dates. But for many of us, delving into a sexual relationship is serious stuff and we take it as such. We want to be ready and be certain we are comfortable gettting to that level. Any woman worth pursuing long-term will appreciate that hesitancy on the man's part and will respect it. As to her friends yacking about such matters (when a guy holds off the sex stuff for the time being) then it's a poor reflection on both the woman (being dated) and her circle of acquaintances. A man WOULD be better off without that
    chatter and aggravation. There are plenty of OTHER women out there who would make it worth your while to pursue (dating ) them and just forget all about the others!

    It just might be DownBelow that you happen to be the kind of guy who wants an established friendship (and a quality one at that) first before the intimacy begins.
    There's nothing wrong with that and it's commendable, even honorable. If your current g.f. is pushing too strong, send HER the signal that you want to take it easy. Then--see what happens. Right now, dating is new for you and you're innocently (or not) putting way too much pressure on yourself. The subliminal fear factor is going to impede your judgment call and perhaps even then influence your sexual performance too, should you allow yourself (unwillingly or not) to even get that far. So, ease up. The sex should come only when YOU want it to come, too---not just to give in to her demands. The term selfishness might be close at hand here, but I wouldn't pin that description on you necessarily....not at this point.

    You've come across here already as having good judgment in taking things easy.
    So, you're already demonstrating that you are on the right track. ;)
     
  6. jonb

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    Well, actually, a8, statistics generally tend toward the mean.
     
  7. Knight-7x6

    Knight-7x6 New Member

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    I think you'll find out 'what you are' when you're older. I think most men are attracted (maybe even just by the presence but attracted nonetheless) to some guys (eg 'big (broad etc) or confident men). And then of course there's sexual attraction, guys do nothing for me. With women though, when I was younger I've always loved breasts ;) but the female genitals did scare me for a while and I didnt like to see a close up of it in pornos, it was a pretty big turn off. Now of course I love it and everything about a woman, more the body and looks than just the sexual body parts (T&A etc). So now I like girls in every way imaginable, it just took some time to get used to. Of course you could like both sexes, which is cool also because it's what you like.
     
  8. benderten2001

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    Knight....thanks for your comments to this thread! And, well expressed, too I might add. ;)

    I believe we need to be candid around here..admit to such feelings and just speak the truth about ourselves and among ourselves...men to men especially so that we might help ease the worried minds and troubled consciences of unseen, unknown others. We have many in the LPSG whom we never hear from...."lurkers" and silent members who nonetheless may (and DO!) benefit from these open, honest discussions.

    Admitting sometimes what we perhaps are hesitant to (or would rather not) still greatly helps someone else so the effort is indeed worth it. This is one of the reasons I continue here and to a large degree especially to try to help and encourage the younger readers and members. I never had this opportunity to learn and feel better about myself when I was their age.
     
  9. Bluespeedoz

    Bluespeedoz New Member

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    Hi guy.

    I'm not sure I can help but here goes.

    You don't say how old you are but that this is your first relationship with a woman. So I take it you are in your teens or early twenties and that you are a virgin. You're concerned that snogging this woman doesn't feel as good as it did but you don't know why. You need to work out why yourself because only you know how you feel about her. However I wouldn't get the phoar factor from a woman who so aggressively on your first date puts such great pressure in you for sex. Just what sort of person is she? I'll tell you even though you may not like what I say. My impression is that she isn't looking for love from you or a longer term relationship but is wanting sex from any guy she can get her hands on. You just happen to be the guy of the moment. So my advice is -

    1. end it with this woman - it's an unhealthy relationship
    2. work out what you want from a woman in relationship terms
    3. when you know what you want from a woman go look for her
    4. get to know a woman slowly, communicate with her, tell her what you want and listen to her. When you are ready for sex with her you'll know.

    You say "I don't find breasts and stuff that arousing. What I find arousing is more me having sex with another woman and using my manhood and hopefully giving her pleasure." Here are a few points to consider -

    1. how do you know you don't find breasts and stuff arousing - you haven't had actual sex with a woman yet!
    2. fact, some men are into breasts, others are more into kissing, rubbing, touching, licking, all over etc. When you have sexgo into it with an open mind and yes please yourself AND the woman you are with. You'll very quickly work out what you like to do in bed or wherever.
    3. read a good sex manual before having sex with anyone - there's so much to know.
    4. let go of your inhibitions and enjoy sex
    5. the more practice you get the more open to sex you will become.

    You also say "So what am I? I find guys generally betting looking than girls but wouldn't really want to have sex but I would like to have sex with girls but I don't really find them as better looking than guys." Here are some points to consider -

    1. some men are no doubt better looking than some girls
    2. if you don't want a sexual relationship with a guy, fine by me, don't.
    3. if you decide you do want sex with a guy perhaps consider the points I've already made above before doing so.
    4. it is not unusual for young men in their teens and twenties to be attracted to guys. These feelings usually go away once you start a relationship with a woman. If they don't go away you may be bisexual.
    5. there is no shame in being bisexual or homosexual for that matter - we are who we are
    6. be happy in your relationships and if you're not work out why and talk to your partner.

    You also say "My other problem is the girl I'm with knows a few other people I'm in contact with so if I don't rise to the occasion on the night who knows what might be said? I'd rather stop it now and at least then other people wouldn't know if I failed to perform. I might be able to perform but I'm not 100% sure." Here's what I think -

    1. this woman has placed you under intolerable pressure alreaddy by demanding sex on the first date.
    2. your worries about other people finding out about your performance simply add to that pressure.
    3. never worry about what other people think or say - respect yourself and don't be submissive to others.
    4. I'm not surprised that under this sort of pressure that you are concerned you may not be able to rise to the occasion. Any man no matter how masculine and sexually experienced would be likely to feel the same or similar.
    5. I'm not surprised that as a virgin you have confused your sexual feelings about women and men.

    To sum up take yourself out of this unhealthy relationship with this demanding woman and her friends and start over afresh when you are ready. You've had a nasty experience that I'm sure you will learn from. I'm pretty certain all will be well. Be happy ang best of luck to you.





    :glare:
     
  10. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Totally agree w/Bluespeedoz...First of all - does this girl know that she is your first girlfriend...If she does - I am sure she does not expect you to be a champ in the sheets...I don't think no one is really impressed w/their first sexual experience and I personally would not expect the other person to be either...You need to communicate this fact and maybe even ask her expectations...I think I personally know how you feel but w/time comes experience...If all else fails - rent some good porn and develop some techniques or have the porn on while you guys are getting busy - maybe you will get some inspiration...
     
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