Reasonable amount of sex in a relationship

julesq

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I have learned in life that what is reasonable in a relationship is commitment and contentment. I don't mean to sound negative. My husband and I have CRAZY work schedules that often find us working incompatible hours, and traveling a lot. Generally, if we sleep in the same bed, there is sex. We both live by the mantra, "it is what it is", and it serves us well. We are both the kind of people that if something isn't working for us then we do our best to change it.
While there are times, when I would like more sex, there are times that I would also like a little less. I know he feels the same way. We talk about it all the time. We talk about everything and that works for us. Having a clear commitment to one another and to on-going communication leads to the contentment. By no means am I saying contentment = complacency but as with all other things the degree of contentment varies.
The guy with the spreadsheet and the comments about cheating just come from a place that I hope I never visit. IMO, if you are keeping track of anything on a spreadsheet, other than finances, you are spending too much time documenting and not enough time doing other things; in this case enjoying your spouse's company. I find it strange that he took so much time documenting the lack of sex and doesn't see that there is a bigger problem in his relationship. As for the notion that no sex causes cheating, I don't buy into that either. When a spouse looks outside of the marriage to have their needs met, whatever they might be, the problem is bigger than what they are saying/blaming it on.
 

LaFemme

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I have learned in life that what is reasonable in a relationship is commitment and contentment. I don't mean to sound negative. My husband and I have CRAZY work schedules that often find us working incompatible hours, and traveling a lot. Generally, if we sleep in the same bed, there is sex. We both live by the mantra, "it is what it is", and it serves us well. We are both the kind of people that if something isn't working for us then we do our best to change it.
While there are times, when I would like more sex, there are times that I would also like a little less. I know he feels the same way. We talk about it all the time. We talk about everything and that works for us. Having a clear commitment to one another and to on-going communication leads to the contentment. By no means am I saying contentment = complacency but as with all other things the degree of contentment varies.
The guy with the spreadsheet and the comments about cheating just come from a place that I hope I never visit. IMO, if you are keeping track of anything on a spreadsheet, other than finances, you are spending too much time documenting and not enough time doing other things; in this case enjoying your spouse's company. I find it strange that he took so much time documenting the lack of sex and doesn't see that there is a bigger problem in his relationship. As for the notion that no sex causes cheating, I don't buy into that either. When a spouse looks outside of the marriage to have their needs met, whatever they might be, the problem is bigger than what they are saying/blaming it on.

I like that attitude. I, too don't get the spreadsheet. I truly hope that should I find myself in a relationship again, that communication is open, loving and clear. I just think relationships are more complicated than how many times one puts out in a week.
 

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Sex is the glue in a relationship. It needs to be consistent. Time must be made for it. Date night, The Night of Candles and perfume........
When a couple begins to lose interest in sex the relationship is on a downward plane.
 

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My gf and I have been dating about five years. She's out of town a lot, else we'd live together. (What's the point when she's irregularly there?) We spend a lot of time (well, almost ALL our time) together, usually at her house.

When we first started with each other, after a few weeks of increasingly sexual, but not intercourse, dates, we finally got naked and enjoyed each other. We started having sex at least once a day.

Gradually, over time, we've spaced it out. Once we get over the Welcome Home sex (I really enjoy the feeling of the buildup hormones of holding back while she's away, knowing we're going to have a good time), we average 3-4 times a week. She's got a high libido like I do, and for us that's the right frequency so that all our sex is horny, lusting sex for each other. I don't want screw so often that sex becomes routine.

(I'm 60, and she's 37, if that makes a difference.)
 

nirvana84

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We fuck at least once a week. Usually 3. But 7 nights isn't un common. With work commitments sex can be the last thing I want to do when I get home. Often we just save it up for a big weekend.
 

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I could get by with once a week, given availability. But I would prefer more at least sometimes, when it's doable. I definitely need some time dedicated to affection/flirting/teasing just as much as actual time dedicated to sex, as well as alone time/independent time. I think that's why I'm actually a really good fit for LDRs with the right person. Though in that case I get one weekend a month for sex, but it's a lot of sex. Lock-the-door-weekends-of-sex. The anticipation part is awesome and helps keep the sex super hot.
 
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7x525

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i love daily but can get by with every other day. fortunately my wife has a great libido too. im 54 shes 47. also this is my 3rd marriage and i didnt cheat but i was ready. my stArter marriage was a total mis match. my 2 nd mariage was great for 5 years then she had kids and was done with me for the most part. she became very manipulative and mean. 3rd wife been together bout 3 years. fantastic is all i can say
 

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I would say at least 4 times a week or so. Obviously, real life comes into play and at time it can get too busy. At other times, there are more opportunities for it.
 

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Wow...some high frequency people. Does this mean if your spouse couldn't do it for a period of time, you'd leave or cheat? How long would be too long? Say there was a car accident and there was no sex for eighteen months, maybe longer?
 

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Dating, 7 times a day during our LDR when we'd see each other 2 days every 2 weeks. Got married and it was every night for a year. Her " Dude, I can't do this. I'm being ripped apart nightly". Married 4 years and it's once a week but that once a week is animalistic.
 

Guy-jin

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I would prefer daily, but frankly I'm too busy and we're too tired for that. In reality, before the pregnancy, it was 2-3 times per week because of those factors and physical incompatibility issues. And honestly, I'm okay with that.

Unfortunately she will not have sex during the pregnancy so we've had no PIV intercourse in months. It sucks.
 

Over-reaching

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So I wonder, what's a reasonable amount of sex in a relationship? Not in the beginning when a couple screws like bunnies, but once real life settles in. And not the fantasy amount, either. What is the realistic, make everybody happy amount?
I don't think that there's a "make-everybody-happy" amount. It's something that varies between people and between couples, and if there are any problems it needs to be discussed by the partners. Also, it will differ from time to time, not just from the beginning of the relationship till later, but for other (known or unknown) reasons.

Having said that, I should guess that most couples would probably have sex two, three, or four times a week, even though they might want more (or less). But that's my opinion - others will have different opinions (see above!).
 

LaFemme

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Dating, 7 times a day during our LDR when we'd see each other 2 days every 2 weeks. Got married and it was every night for a year. Her " Dude, I can't do this. I'm being ripped apart nightly". Married 4 years and it's once a week but that once a week is animalistic.

Quality over quantity makes good sense when you put it that way!

I would prefer daily, but frankly I'm too busy and we're too tired for that. In reality, before the pregnancy, it was 2-3 times per week because of those factors and physical incompatibility issues. And honestly, I'm okay with that.

Unfortunately she will not have sex during the pregnancy so we've had no PIV intercourse in months. It sucks.

Congrats, daddy! But condolences on the lack of PIV. Hope there's other forms of release for you.

And here i am with my once or twice a week.

I think you're doing just fine! Especially compared with my celibate situation. But since it's my choice, I won't complain. :tongue:

I don't think that there's a "make-everybody-happy" amount. It's something that varies between people and between couples, and if there are any problems it needs to be discussed by the partners. Also, it will differ from time to time, not just from the beginning of the relationship till later, but for other (known or unknown) reasons.

Having said that, I should guess that most couples would probably have sex two, three, or four times a week, even though they might want more (or less). But that's my opinion - others will have different opinions (see above!).

Wow, do opinions ever differ! So far, none of the "I'll cheat on her/him if they don't put out for 6 weeks" haven't weighed in though. Wonder why?
 

pwiggin

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We have been married for going on 13 years now. During that time we have gone back and forth between 3+ times a day for weeks on end to 2 or 3 times a month when we are both feeling out of it / work is stressful.

The average for us it twice a day for 3-5 days out of the week (in the morning and before bed).