Recognising idealisation in your partner

[Shofixti]

So, I've been spurred to a very important realisation
All of my ex-partners idealised me to begin with, which meant our relationships never began with or were founded in reality

I have a lot of friends in online personality communities and I would reproduce their post here but it's so full of personality jargon that it would be tough to read

Basically, there are things-focused people and people-focused people. If you're things-focused you tend to be balanced about people and find making self/other, me/you, us/them shifts of perspective quite easily. If you're people-focused you tend to be balanced about things - how to gather and organise things, how to resolve thing-related problems etc.

All of my exes have been people-focused - with lives that are centred on gaining validation rather than seeing people accurately as they really are

The last man I dated idealised me and I made the sorry mistake of thinking his desire to be in a relationship with me was real. What my friend/poster has helped me to understand is that the eventual swing of idealisation is devaluation. It is not - 'seeing reality'. I have spent so much time just utterly confused and heartbroken because the swing towards devaluing me seems so irrational - why say one thing "I love you, I want to travel the world with you" and then swing to "I discovered I just want to be single / I want to travel alone and fuck other men"

Now I know to look for the pendulum of idealisation-to-devaluation this all fits

My last partner devalued me so deeply and so erratically that it expressed itself in rape. Four months after he pleaded with me to begin a relationship with him and then introduced me as "his partner" when we had only been together for ten days. . . he swung from idealisation to devaluation and it ruined my life for two years as I healed from this trauma

Now I know how to more accurately conceive of what they are doing, I will never let a man idealise me again

I find paying attention to a man and seeing him as real, simple, good-and-bad, a process, a project ... all so easy to do. My fault is accepting what men say as the result of careful consideration rather than wanton idealisation

 

[deleted2188211]

So, I've been spurred to a very important realisation
All of my ex-partners idealised me to begin with, which meant our relationships never began with or were founded in reality

I have a lot of friends in online personality communities and I would reproduce their post here but it's so full of personality jargon that it would be tough to read

Basically, there are things-focused people and people-focused people. If you're things-focused you tend to be balanced about people and find making self/other, me/you, us/them shifts of perspective quite easily. If you're people-focused you tend to be balanced about things - how to gather and organise things, how to resolve thing-related problems etc.

All of my exes have been people-focused - with lives that are centred on gaining validation rather than seeing people accurately as they really are

The last man I dated idealised me and I made the sorry mistake of thinking his desire to be in a relationship with me was real. What my friend/poster has helped me to understand is that the eventual swing of idealisation is devaluation. It is not - 'seeing reality'. I have spent so much time just utterly confused and heartbroken because the swing towards devaluing me seems so irrational - why say one thing "I love you, I want to travel the world with you" and then swing to "I discovered I just want to be single / I want to travel alone and fuck other men"

Now I know to look for the pendulum of idealisation-to-devaluation this all fits

My last partner devalued me so deeply and so erratically that it expressed itself in rape. Four months after he pleaded with me to begin a relationship with him and then introduced me as "his partner" when we had only been together for ten days. . . he swung from idealisation to devaluation and it ruined my life for two years as I healed from this trauma

Now I know how to more accurately conceive of what they are doing, I will never let a man idealise me again

I find paying attention to a man and seeing him as real, simple, good-and-bad, a process, a project ... all so easy to do. My fault is accepting what men say as the result of careful consideration rather than wanton idealisation

Yes makes sense, thank you for sharing!

In my early years i got the same and realized how toxic the community was . As I was bi, I finally loved and married a woman, had a kid, became happy.... My best to you.

 

[Lowkey_Lokii]

Now I can’t speak for everyone on this issue or tell you you’re wrong in the case of Idealization to Devaluation.

but I am someone who Idealizes my potential partners, almost religiously.
I know that they have flaws, everyone does, I simply choose to ignore them in awe of the person they are outside of that/ the person they could be without them. I love these men to this very day regardless of how they reacted to my actions.

That said, I think they recognized that I was idealizing them and that turned them away from me. So I never got to that point where the rose colored glasses came off, maybe they’ll never come off as I am a peoples person. Maybe with age they’ll fade and the truth will be shown about the situation.

the closest I could understand about devaluing someone is in response to that person actively refusing to meet me halfway (or rather what halfway is for me). Then I start to resent that person who failed to actuality my fantasy when maybe they never agreed to that. That rose filter quickly blackens as I wonder why they wouldn’t want to live in a fairytale with me. I still don’t know.

I don’t think I would devalue someone when actively in a relationship. I also don’t know what would cause that switch to flip. But I do want to know what the flip side feels like. Is it like “this is too good to be true”? Or more “this guys nuts, I’m outta here”?