Hi Freddie and thanks. Always the soul of reason.
Yes. I know I won't get the answers I look for here or anywhere. I, again, have that unenviable (maybe not) personality trait of instantly putting myself in the other guy's shoes with regard to the social woes of the time. This runs the gamut from racial to gender and then, of course, to sexual orientation.
I've done it - nearly as an "outsider looking in" my entire life. I don't truly recall
ever looking at the world from any other perspective than that of an odd ball who didn't quite fit anywhere. Did I look the right way? Yes. Did I "come from he right people"?? I was told I did. Was I raised in privilege? Certainly. But none of it really took in a social way.
I'll recount something deeper which will illustrate my point:
When I was 7 (no older) my mother and brother and I were driving to Nantasket Beach (just south of old Boston). It was a day trip and about 40 minutes from our home town. My brother and mum were in the front seat and I was listening intently to the converstation they were having. David (brother) was three years older and he was a hero of mine. So when he and my mother and I were together we had the "world by the balls". She's still a great friend of mine my mum. She has the views of a latter-day Susan B. Anthony or Cady Stanton. She comes from generations of suffragettes. But she's totally feminine. She has immense personal appeal.
At any rate, we were nearly to the beach when the subject of homosexuality was broached on some Boston talk radio station. I'd never heard it articulated in the way it was that day in that car. The tone was derrogatory and my brother asked my mother a question: "Mum? Why do men sometimes like to sleep with men instead of women?"
My mother said; "dear, it's always been that way. Society as you can tell by what they're saying on the radio has a very hard time with it. Anyone who's homosexual has a very different and unique path to follow in this world. My best friend growing up was a gay woman and Helen's life has been interesting but difficult."
My brother said "does that mean it's bad?"
My mum said, "no but it means that anyone who finds he's (read he or she) homosexual kind can rather expect to feel very isolated and I should think it a very hard thing to be going through life".
I sat spellbound not saying a word (uncharacteristically) during this whole exchange. If I haven't quoted verbatim it's damned close to the dialogue that day in that hot summer car. I was left with two insurmountable feelings:
loneliness and isolation. You see, I realized they were (inadvertendly) speaking of
me. I ingested both the dialogue on the radio (utterly negative and condemning) but more specifically my mother's softening take on those words and simply dwelled on it for what seemed months. I'm sure it
was months and it's never left me.
In that very same sense, I realized like someone had given me an epiphany pill - albeit an unconcious one - that I was going to lead a life separate from that of my peers. I'd sensed the difference long before that certainly but there it was;
finally spoken.
Years later when I came out to my mother she asked me if I'd "be ok". I said I had no choice but to be. But in that same way I instigated this converstation about racial bias based in age-old impositions I recount my
own personal story of my greater experience in this American society. When we only know selective pieces of those to whom we credit our identity I think we fall short. "Facts ma'am. Just the facts"
The way this societly bullshits us all is so blatantly hypocritical at times it nearly makes my want to yell "are you all totally fucked or what??" Assuming I'm that stupid innately but subliminal imposition is monstrously angering to me.
But I don't get angry anymore (honest Lex!!) I simply become more resolute. Such is the nature of societal denial on
all levels. Indeed when I came out to my dad shortly thereafter he wasn't surprised in the least and said "boy? (yes he called me that until I was over 20) I know what you're doing
and I've been there too,
but remember there's nothing like a woman". HUH???
Well knock me over with a feather. Beacon Hill John Wayne (in the guise of my old man) has had gay encounters!! Fuck me then... cuz I haven't a clue why we lie to ourselves so. It's the old "don't ask don't tell thing" eh? Gotcha. Well not for this dude.
So please Freddie and others understand that when I pose the 'White Man's religion' question at the very beginning of this thread it was
solely in an effort to glean a greater understanding of the nature and genesis of
all those this society would attempt to marginalize. For in that understanding I believe there's a cure for what ails us
all. And remember I can only look at this thing through
my eyes and in these eyes I see a Stronzo who (were he of African descent from those early days of 16th, 17th, 18th, and 19th century arrival) who I'm damned certain would be asking himself the Christian question I first posed here. And so I do. I ask it with respect to my sexual orientation too - hence my "irreligiousity".
For this writer the two are, ultimately, irreconcilable.
There now. Most cathartic. I've gotten to tell my lil story to everyone who, I suspect,
couldn't care less.
Big hug, Stronz