So I have been dating this guy long distance for just over a year… he’s 28 and I am 38. I am ready to take our relationship to the next step and move in together. I am even willing to sell my house and move to his state to make this happen. However he doesn’t know if he’s ready and is comfortable/happy with how things have been going. I am not sure if this is a red flag or not… all I can think is maybe he’s trying to keep his options open since he’s so much younger, or maybe he just doesn’t see a future with us. I know this is a big step and he has said it’s a lot of pressure me selling my place and changing jobs. I’m not sure what to do I can’t do long distance for another year.
Red Flag?
- Thread starter BiGuy08
- Start date
HOU_HEADHUNTER
Superior Member
You actually hit the nail on the head. I don't know if he's keeping his options open for something else but he's definitely still sewing his wild oats as a young man with options available to him. He could simply still be playing the field but knows that someday he will want to settle down and if you wait patiently then he may just settle down with you. The issue with that is you may be ready to move on because at your age time is precious. You also don't know where his heart may lead him. It may lead him into another man's arms which will mean you would have wasted your time pursuing him. I say you should remain good friends with him and possibly friends with benefits but you should also keep your options open by continuing to date other people. You may find someone more compatible to you who is ready to settle down right now. Dating and relationships are a big gamble so why not take a chance.
Please be cautious BiGuy08. Mutually discuss the pros and cons of living together. Hear what your guy has to say - reasons for his reluctance. If you are content to just live near one another - ensure you can support yourself independently, in your own lodgings, when you move. It would be sad if the relationship would ever fail, but you would still have a job and a roof over your head.
Evenflow618
Superior Member
Dude you are crazy if you want to move in with someone and you only know them for a year. Think rationally, this would not be a good idea if one of you is not ready. Just move on if he is complacent. Dont make a big mistake and sell a good asset you have
The fact is the two of you are at different points in life. You are, in essence, ready to settle down together and he is not. He's already given you his answer that he's not ready. I'm not going to speculate as to why he's not ready. It may be for the reasons you suggest, it may simply be he doesn't feel like he's ready to live with a boyfriend, and it may be that even he doesn't know why.
If the two of you already lived near each other, I would suggest that you talk to him face to face and get answers to the questions you put in your post ("he's trying to keep his options open" and "he just doesn't see a future with us"). But because you live in a completely different state, I don't recommend asking him again. Instead, you need to decide if you can continue with the way things are. If you can, then keep dating him for now. If you cannot, then it's time to end things and move on.
Under NO circumstances should you be okay with him changing his mind if you choose to end things. You are the one quitting a job, selling a house, and moving to another state. That's too big. It's too much. Especially since he's already signaled that at this point in time, it's not going to work. You either continue seeing him long-distance for now or you break up. There is NO third option.
Good luck.
If the two of you already lived near each other, I would suggest that you talk to him face to face and get answers to the questions you put in your post ("he's trying to keep his options open" and "he just doesn't see a future with us"). But because you live in a completely different state, I don't recommend asking him again. Instead, you need to decide if you can continue with the way things are. If you can, then keep dating him for now. If you cannot, then it's time to end things and move on.
Under NO circumstances should you be okay with him changing his mind if you choose to end things. You are the one quitting a job, selling a house, and moving to another state. That's too big. It's too much. Especially since he's already signaled that at this point in time, it's not going to work. You either continue seeing him long-distance for now or you break up. There is NO third option.
Good luck.
i don't know if its a red flag or not as i don't know either of you. I also would not jump to assumptions that's he still off sowing his wild oats or playing around.
you don't say in your long distance relationship how its working? are you the one who goes to see him every time? do you share the trips and expenses? how often do you actually physically see each other - all these points play into the discussion.
if you've only actually met a couple of times in a year then i think his reaction is more understandable? you've not spent that much time together to get to know each other and see what life together would be like?
on the other hand if you've both made the effort to see each other every month or more often then thats a different situation.
The other point is that it is a huge thing to put on someone that you'll unsettle your whole life for him - that puts all the responsibility of making it work on to him thats huge pressure even more so if you've not fully discussed it ahead and not spent some decent time together.
you really need to talk through face to face with your guy in full detail explain where you're at, understand where he's at, talk through any issues that raises - only then can you make any decisions about where you both stand and how you want to move things forward. That may of course be accepting that you're both not in the same place and wish each other well with no regrets and no hard feelings.
BUT if you have a great thing, it is always worth fighting for no matter how hard.
good luck
you don't say in your long distance relationship how its working? are you the one who goes to see him every time? do you share the trips and expenses? how often do you actually physically see each other - all these points play into the discussion.
if you've only actually met a couple of times in a year then i think his reaction is more understandable? you've not spent that much time together to get to know each other and see what life together would be like?
on the other hand if you've both made the effort to see each other every month or more often then thats a different situation.
The other point is that it is a huge thing to put on someone that you'll unsettle your whole life for him - that puts all the responsibility of making it work on to him thats huge pressure even more so if you've not fully discussed it ahead and not spent some decent time together.
you really need to talk through face to face with your guy in full detail explain where you're at, understand where he's at, talk through any issues that raises - only then can you make any decisions about where you both stand and how you want to move things forward. That may of course be accepting that you're both not in the same place and wish each other well with no regrets and no hard feelings.
BUT if you have a great thing, it is always worth fighting for no matter how hard.
good luck
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