Regret.

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by B_Internal_Dumpster, Jan 10, 2012.

  1. B_Internal_Dumpster

    B_Internal_Dumpster New Member

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    I had my first sexual encounter today and obviously enough, I hated it. The guy was 5 years older than I am and claimed to be HIV Negative. All we did was cuddle, kiss and I received head. Once he left the door, I underwent emotional turmoil. I regret every second of what I just did and swore that I would never forgive myself. I feel like I betrayed everyone I know.

    Is there a high chance I can contract HIV from receiving head or kissing? And where can I get HIV tested? Please help :frown1:
     
  2. Mephisto76

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    Hi. I work in the field of HIV and I can tell you that from receiving oral sex or kissing there is NO risk of getting infected with HIV.
    Guilt is something people experience frequently after their first sexual encounter. Sometimes this is worse in cases where you are not comfortable with your sexuality, you are hiding from friends an family, you did it with someone who would not have been your first choice, etc. That is normal.
    All this to say, you will be okay. In a few years you will look back and see that it was a step in your life, and that bigger :) and better things are ahead.
     
  3. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    There is virtually no chance whatsoever of contracting HIV from any of your activities so you can relax. But your doctor and many clinics can give you the HIV test if you still feel the need to confirm.

    The more important question right now is why you're in such emotional turmoil, why you have such regrets and why you feel you've "betrayed" everyone you know. It is not unusual to feel awkward and conflicted about early sexual experiences especially when devoid of emotional involvement, but this seems deeper to me. Can you be more specific about what's really upsetting you?
     
  4. tiggerpoo

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    My heart goes out to you and I am sorry that you feel such regret and emotional turmoil. But I urge you to relax and accept the experience. Maybe he sensed your reluctance or discomfort with the situation and that is why you only cuddled, kissed and I received head.
     
  5. B_Internal_Dumpster

    B_Internal_Dumpster New Member

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    We tried engaging in anal sex (with a condom) and that did not work out as I wasn't even able to get inside him. (It was also his first time trying to bottom)

    @Nick8 - My family is heavily religious. I felt like I secretly destroyed my bond with them and felt dirty and wasted. My father resents gay people and does not understand the situation I'm in. He always told me that I was a responsible man . That breaks me knowing that I am NOT responsible, nor a man. At least, not anymore.

    Thanks for the support guys, it means A LOT to me.
     
    #5 B_Internal_Dumpster, Jan 10, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2012
  6. erratic

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    This is totally normal for someone who is starting to deal with all the shame we're loaded with over being not-straight. Just remember: That shame isn't yours. It belongs to all the people who gave it to you by feeding you vile homophobic bullshit. You do, however, get to decide what to do with it. You can let it keep you down, or you can rally against it.

    I don't understand how having sex with a man makes you irresponsible. I'm married to a man. Does that make me irresponsible? And how am I not a man? It's easy to think these things about ourselves, but it's not so comfortable telling someone else they're all the nasty, clearly wrong things we think about ourselves.

    If you ask me, having sex with a woman would be the irresponsible thing. You'd just be using her to delude yourself. Emphasis on the "using her." Responsible men, gentlemen, don't use people to keep themselves in denial.

    There's nothing you've said that leads me to believe you're a bad person. In fact, you sound like a very moral person wrestling with homophobia, which is a big immoral ball of shame and hate. The sooner you're rid of it (as rid of it as any of us can be) the sooner you'll be able to move on. I know from experience that it's easier said than done, but it is do-able.

    All my best, man.
     
    #6 erratic, Jan 10, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2012
  7. surto

    surto New Member

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    you sound rather vulnerable now and confused, maybe if you can afford it you should confide to a good therapist as it seems your family isn't very supportive of your sexuality. All the best and don't worry too much, since you are young and inexperienced you are going to dramatize as most of us did (and still do, lol) but hang in there with your feelings while you mature a little bit, you are struggling with years of homophobia, shame, guilt and of course your desires, that's not easy to deal with at all, start admiring yourself for your courage a little bit, and things will work out, maybe slowly but they will. Good luck and all the best, at the end of the day it's no big deal and you ll be looking back at it and laughing soon.
     
  8. schwulboy1989

    schwulboy1989 Active Member

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    Not true. It is, however, incredibly unlikely.
     
  9. thebesthotsex

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    Felt the same way after my first encounter with a guy. What I learned from that experience was that there was no reason for me to feel regret because at one point it was exactly what I wanted. Like others have mentioned, there is really no chance of contracting HIV just from oral because there is so much exposure to air and HIV dies within seconds of air exposure. As long as you didn't have unprotected anal, there is really nothing to worry about. Like I said, I've been in your shoes before. Your regret comes from a conflict between family, religion, and homosexuality, all of which you will never be able to simultaneously please...so you have to decide which of these you wish to entertain. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
     
  10. khornycollegekid

    khornycollegekid New Member

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    Hey dude,
    I honestly was going through almost the same thing as you about 6 months ago. After I turned 18, I had a random hookup on craiglist with a guy who said he was DDF and HIV negative...I swallowed stupidly, which was totally out of character, and also topped him (with a condom). I was recently tested for HIV and was negative, and hadn't really had any other symptoms of another STD...Thank God! Honestly though, those couple months just waiting to get tested were pretty awful and again I know exactly what the guilt feels like (I'm bi, but not out at all). The only thing advice I can think to give is that it will be alright! You have pretty much no chance of HIV or any other STD that I can think of. Try to be as happy as you can and learn to forgive yourself - that's the hardest part. If you need any other support, seriously feel free to message me, I'd love to help.
     
  11. gymfresh

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    I had my first sexual experience the year after college and my reaction was similar to yours, despite having no religious stigma to trigger it. Even though the encounter was arguably consensual, gentle and even enjoyable, I found myself hating myself and resenting the guy I did it with. I felt dirty and I wanted to pretend it didn't happen. It took me about 6 months to put it right in my head, and once I did I even wrote a column for my university newspaper about what I called my Severe Homophobic Reaction. By then I was already dating a wonderful guy. The op-ed caused quite a stir on campus, but I wanted others to know the path to coming out sexually wasn't always easy or as anticipated.

    Time. There's no real substitute for it. You'll put your first encounter in the proper perspective and when you're ready to try it again, you'll know you're coming from a more secure place personally. Good luck.
     
  12. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    First the odds of HIV infection from what you did are extremely slim and in fact you would have better odds of winning the lottery. For that to happen the person would have to be a long term untreated HIV patient with a viral load that would have a number on which if you stood you would achieve weightlessness. That would mean an obviously sick person.

    You also would be asking for the retrovirus in question to climb up a urethra which in an uninfected person tends to be a poor pathway.

    What has been found is that the best pathway is blood to blood transfer. This means that he (If he were sero-positive with a high viral load) would have to be bleeding and you would have to have open cuts within your urethra to get it that way and because of the wash of urine the odds would still be against it.

    There are a ton of things that are easy to get and transmit far more easily than HIV. If you are going to be scared, pick something other than HIV.

    - - - - -

    What it sounds like you had is really lousy sex.

    I would have regrets too after your experience. You went into the experience expecting some kind of earth moving experience and what you got was garbage. The truth is that good for you was not destined to happen at that moment. Long before my life-paratner made an honest man out of me and because of my age and life experience I can not even begin the count the number of times I had sex with a "bottom" that was so bad that the worst problem was that it was NOT forget-able.

    In your learning experience you are going to encounter people who will be a shining star in appearance and totally a turn off between the sheets. All of this is part of the learning experience and you have to cut yourself some slack. Too much pressure, inexperienced top, inexperienced bottom, personally that pretty much guaranteed what you experienced.

    It will not always be that way.


    Good Luck
     
  13. B_Internal_Dumpster

    B_Internal_Dumpster New Member

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    Thank you all for all the support :)
     
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