So I'll start off by saying its complicated. I recently started talking to somebody and we have become really close/good friends.
We trust each other with a lot and can talk about some pretty sensitive topics which shows me that they are willing to open up. However after talking to them for a little while, I've started to develop romantic feelings, here is where it gets complicated. The person I fancy is a guy and nobody actually knows this but I think I'm Bi. I have asked him various questions and he said that he isn't Gay so that poses a problem. Secondly he's already in a relationship with someone, and has been for 3 years. I asked him what I'm asking you now but phrased it differently to see what would he do, and he said if someone liked me and we were good friends he would bop them away as its a threat to the relationship. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I've never actually caught romantic feelings for someone like this before but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I would say out of 10 it would be an 8 of hurt If I lost him as a friend.
What should I do?
So I understand this so incredibly well. Obviously each person has nuances to their story but I’ve been in a similar place under slightly different circumstances.
Me and a friend from high school (I’ll call him Brandon) naturally grew distant from each other because our lives took us in different directions. After about two years from graduating I got a text from him asking if I’d be up to get a place and move out with him. At the time we both lived at home still and we hated being paented as adults so we hopped on it.
We got a two bedroom and to split rent we had a third roommate move in. The third guy (let’s call Andrew) shared the room with me, and Brandon had the other room to himself. At the time I was better friends with Andrew. I worked from 6 am to 2 pm and Brandon worked 2 pm to 11 pm. Essentially our schedules were opposite and we never saw each other.
Well as most roommates do, me and Andrew got sick of living in close quarters so I asked Brandon if he’d be willing to switch because our schedules opposed each other’s and we would basically have the room to ourselves at home. Brandon was up for it so we moved our stuff into the shared space and began living together.
That’s probably where I fucked up.
I started to stay up late and wait for Brandon to get home because he started to become my friend again. We would spend every weekend together and stay up late. With time the conversations became much more emotional and deep. We talked about the meaning of life and where our place was in it. I remember he told me I was his hero and he always looked up to me and wanted to be like me. We both agreed that we loved spending time together and we wanted to continue being roommates for a while. Eventually our nights turned to more personal topics. I found that Brandon had been struggling with his happiness and he hated going to work each day. He eventually started to get very depressed and would have suicidal thoughts. He’d often say that the only reason he hadn’t killed himself is because I was there for him and was his little glimmer of hope/happiness.
It hit me like a freight train that I was in love with him. I wanted to help him and always be there when he needed me. I’d never experienced feelings this strong for anybody let alone another guy. One night we both got drunk and ended up laying together in bed and cuddled. I remember him crying as he said he felt so alone in life. I hugged him and whispered that I’d always be there for him.
He eventually quit his god awful job and started living off his savings. I would help pay for things here and there knowing that it was the right thing to do but I wanted to see him get on his feet. I’d go to work and find him in the same place every day and I could see him changing. It honestly made me scared. I found that he started to get into drugs and would get high to make everything go away.
Fast forward about 4 months and I got him a job where I worked (at the time it was one of the top paying gigs with no degree and had an incredible environment). My manager didn’t want to hire him initially but I said that they would never regret it and I’d put my job on the line for him. Despite his current state of mind and drugs, he was one of the hardest working and dedicated people I knew. Sure enough he took onto the job and flourished. Everyone at work liked him and I could see the real smile that I had missed for so long. Honestly it felt like I was high knowing he was doing better. He told me he was finally happy again.
Well this is where shit really hit the fan.
Brandon was doing so well and he decided he wanted to put himself out there and go on dates. Keep in mind I hadn’t shared my feelings for him with anyone. I had this idea that we both loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together but it hurt so much to see him go after someone else. He sensed that I didn’t like him going on dates but I think he thought it was because we were such good friends and I didn’t have anyone to hang out with.
He started to go on dates almost every night and eventually he found someone to go steady with.
One night he came home and for whatever reason I couldn’t contain my disapproval for the girl he was with. He started to pry and got a little mad at me. I remember him saying that I didn’t want him to be happy in life and I was getting in the way. At that point I got really quiet and he sensed something was wrong. We both sat down and I spilled my feelings for him. I told him from A to Z how they formed and how strong they felt. I used the L word and said that I had never felt this way about anyone else. I wanted nothing more than to be with him and make him happy.
It was quiet… and he said “i’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you and I would never be with a guy”
Shit hurt but I said I understood and he left on another date.
Almost immediately things got dirty. He would tell me he had a girl over and tell me to wait till I come home so he could fuck her. It felt like it happened every night. I even found my bed messy like it had been used and a drop of lube on the sheets. I think he fucked her in my own bed. Piece of shit. I felt like I lost my own bedroom and had no where to go, more importantly I lost my best friend. I’m not much of a cryer but I spent hours in my car, morning and night balling. I’d go into work and hide in the back room and sob. And the worst part about all of this was he was at my side all the time. We slept together, worked together, lived together, etc etc etc. I know he knew I was sad about all of this but his response was hostile. He started to bully me and pick on me with my fellow co-workers. I’d hear them make jokes about me behind my back and then pretend like nothing happened when we went home. Keep in mind He had maybe only been there for 3-4 months when I was approaching 2 years. He started taking drugs again and we would get into heated arguments and about it.
My mental health got really bad so I picked up everything and moved out. I continued paying rent but never said a word to him. I’d seen him at work and that was it.
Eventually I quit the job and started my dream career that paid much more. I moved into a new place with my childhood best friend who accepts me for who I am and treats me with the upmost respect.
Looking back the whole thing even to this day it makes me sick. I feel like I had so many signs that we had something going on but also missed so many red flags. I helped him and gave him almost everything I had but I was betrayed. I feel like if I would’ve kept my feelings to myself I would still be friends with him but how long would that have lasted. To this day I think he was bi and was scared about his feelings. Too much happened (and more I didn’t even discuss) to say that there was nothing between us.
My advice is having/sharing feelings for a friend is always risky and you’re treading on thin ice. I don’t know of anyone who made it work, especially if the friend has been clear on their stance. Unfortunately I think your best move is to keep distance for a while, maybe explore other men/women. Eventually you will move past him but sitting and waiting for him to return the feelings will be like waiting for water in a drought. I don’t think you need to unfriend him but maybe get some breathing room between you guys.
I’m sorry dude, that fucking sucks. Nearly two years later I still feel it.
