Relationship Advice

[hnla394]

So... I'd like to post this thread in search for maybe some psychologists or some people who may be willing to help me with this difficult issue. I've posted some personal threads on this forum before, and I've always gotten good feedback. This is kinda difficult for me so I would appreciate that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Basically here is what's going on. I basically tend to ruin every potential relationship that I try to go in by moving way too fast. I literally drive every guy away because I tend to just dive right in and I try WAY too hard. There was this absolutely fantastic guy that I met just recently and we clicked instantly but I ruined everything within a week because I again, dove in way too fast. This has happened with pretty much everyone.

I am pretty sure I have a really bad anxious attachment style. Whenever I become involved with a new guy, I instantly have an extreme fear that he's just going to disappear, or that he doesn't like me. So, to compensate, I end up going WAY over the top to try and validate myself. I get to the point to where if he doesn't text me back within a few hours I start to become really anxious. I also have a deep fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life.

I know I sound like a crazy psycho but I just don't know how to kick this behavior. Every new guy I tell myself to not go down this path but it always happens.

Thanks for any advice,

 

[cherryboom66]

This describes a lot of people to be fair. I’m similar, but instead of over compensating I go the opposite and self sabotage, picking fights and telling myself that they are not right for me.

It’s a lack of self worth usually. And it’s so stupid - why do we need love to validate us? We don’t. We need to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves.

 

[hnla394]

This describes a lot of people to be fair. I’m similar, but instead of over compensating I go the opposite and self sabotage, picking fights and telling myself that they are not right for me.

It’s a lack of self worth usually. And it’s so stupid - why do we need love to validate us? We don’t. We need to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves.

Because society views people who are single as people who are “losers” and “lonely”

 

[jshooter]

I also have an anxious attachment style and am similar. There was a book I read called “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

It’s not easy to sum up, but some good takeaways are that anxious attachment types do best with other anxious attachment partners, or partners who understand how to communicate with them.

That combined with recognizing some of our thoughts are a bit extreme and not acting on them i.e texting nonstop.

But you have to be yourself and if the potential partner can’t handle it then it’s not a match.

 

[marriedasian]

it sounds to me like you're too overbearing or even "smothering" all your potential partners. i know some people love this but my guess is that the majority don't. it makes you look extremely needy and i'm sure nobody likes that. it shows a lot of insecurity and lack-of-confidence in oneself. i think this is why i agree with @jshooter in that if you found someone who was like you then you both could "smother" each other and love it, otherwise it won't end well.

you could also take the honest approach as well. just let your potential partner know how you are and be sincere about it so they know it's coming. this way, it won't hit them with a shock and they can decide if your behavior is something they want and/or can tolerate. this will save both of you time and energy, not to mention broken feelings.

lastly, if you are aware of this self-destructive behavior then that means you can change it. if you know it, you can change it. if you can't seem to change it then perhaps deep down inside you like it. the very fact that you can identify what is causing you grief in your dating life means you are taking a step in the right direction. where you go from here is up to you...

 

[MusicBear88]

I always had a tendency to care too much too soon, even if I didn't show it. There are lots of "relationships" that only last a couple of dates, and you can't think too far ahead. Yes, I was very lonely at the time and I really wanted to find somebody but after jumping too soon with somebody of the same mentality, I realized how important it is to be with the RIGHT somebody, not just the first person who's willing. Nobody wears desperation well, and even if it's an act, you have to tell yourself that you're going to go slowly, even if you feel differently inside. There's no set timeline, but take some deep breaths and slow down and think before you act. Best decision I ever made.

 

[cherryboom66]

Because society views people who are single as people who are “losers” and “lonely”

Exactly! Fuck society. My friend, she’s in a straight relationship and is now married, she gets judged daily for not having kids and because her husband took her name. People are thick and cruel, we can’t change the minds of the simple. All we can do is not care what they say.

It would be amazing to find someone, to be “happy”, to grow old with someone. But you need to know how to be happy on your own, once you can do that, dating is so much more chill. You won’t feel the need to cling onto them for dear life because if they go.... fuck it, you don’t need them. You have yourself.

 

[cherryboom66]

I always had a tendency to care too much too soon, even if I didn't show it. There are lots of "relationships" that only last a couple of dates, and you can't think too far ahead. Yes, I was very lonely at the time and I really wanted to find somebody but after jumping too soon with somebody of the same mentality, I realized how important it is to be with the RIGHT somebody, not just the first person who's willing. Nobody wears desperation well, and even if it's an act, you have to tell yourself that you're going to go slowly, even if you feel differently inside. There's no set timeline, but take some deep breaths and slow down and think before you act. Best decision I ever made.

“Nobody wears desperation well”, I’m so stealing this line! Haha it’s awesome and so true.

 

[1850231]

So... I'd like to post this thread in search for maybe some psychologists or some people who may be willing to help me with this difficult issue. I've posted some personal threads on this forum before, and I've always gotten good feedback. This is kinda difficult for me so I would appreciate that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Basically here is what's going on. I basically tend to ruin every potential relationship that I try to go in by moving way too fast. I literally drive every guy away because I tend to just dive right in and I try WAY too hard. There was this absolutely fantastic guy that I met just recently and we clicked instantly but I ruined everything within a week because I again, dove in way too fast. This has happened with pretty much everyone.

I am pretty sure I have a really bad anxious attachment style. Whenever I become involved with a new guy, I instantly have an extreme fear that he's just going to disappear, or that he doesn't like me. So, to compensate, I end up going WAY over the top to try and validate myself. I get to the point to where if he doesn't text me back within a few hours I start to become really anxious. I also have a deep fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life.

I know I sound like a crazy psycho but I just don't know how to kick this behavior. Every new guy I tell myself to not go down this path but it always happens.

Thanks for any advice,

First off, I’m not a therapist but I had done years of really, really expensive therapy (although, if it’s good, it’s not expensive in that it’s life saving work), and here’s my take on what you’ve shared: it sounds to me that you may have an ‘anxious’ attachment to others with aspects of codependency. You want to be close and are able to be intimate, but the preoccupation with maintaining a positive connection means that you give up your needs in order to please and accommodate your partner. That this seems to be happening within the first week also suggests a degree of self sabotage - do you worry you’re not enough for someone/not worthy of love and connection?

I would either find a therapist I could address these issues with, or a good friend who knows about your family history and with whom you have a good rapport. If there is any form of abuse - emotional, physical etc. in your childhood, I would start there. An amazing book on such things is Surviving Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Seriously, I’ve read a lot of books, but that one is the absolute best for those of us who have endured NPD parent/s and have had to find a way to deal with resulting co-dependency issues.

The way to survive these things and eventually recover - because you absolutely can learn how to overcome this, is to firstly understand both the driving force behind your behaviour (how were you treated as a child, how did your parents behave toward each other etc.), and, importantly, the emotions you’re feeling. IMPORTANT: You can’t change your behaviour if you don’t understand the emotions that drive it. Another amazing book (written by someone who endured an abusive childhood and is who also an academic - a *winning combination*), is The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. If you get these two books, you’ll find a world of information that will help you to recognise your patterns of behaviour along with tools on how to find your way through it.

Quick notes / random thoughts

1. Forgive yourself - this is not your fault. You are not damaged, you’ve been hurt.
2. The human brain is malleable: you absolutely CAN recover by introducing new ideas and behaviours if you’re committed to change. We’re built for this.
3. You’re not a “crazy psycho” - stop using that language. Never speak of yourself in that way. You’re learning to find a way to be the world - speak kindly of yourself and others and remind yourself, daily, that you’re learning to figure out a new way to be in the world. Seriously, just keep it simple. Be kind to yourself.
4. When you’re next in the throes of a new connection, have a friend you can check in with, every day, and just talk about how you’re feeling, in that moment, before you send the text etc. until such time as you start to feel calmer and, well, safer in the way you’re managing your anxiety. Because the more often you behave in congruence with your desire for connection - calm/loving, allowing the other person to reach out to you, expressing their desire to see you/connect, you’re allowing yourself to be reassured that you’re desired.
5. Get busy doing things for yourself, so that you’re otherwise engaged and not mentally free to obsess over someone. Do sports, go to a lecture etc. Whatever. Just get busy.

Again, you absolutely can change these behaviours, but you have to do the work. Those two books are outstanding sources of information. If nothing else, you’ll be reassured by how common your experience is and that you’re not alone. So many people struggle with this.

 

[1850231]

First off, I’m not a therapist but I had done years of really, really expensive therapy (although, if it’s good, it’s not expensive in that it’s life saving work), and here’s my take on what you’ve shared: it sounds to me that you may have an ‘anxious’ attachment to others with aspects of codependency. You want to be close and are able to be intimate, but the preoccupation with maintaining a positive connection means that you give up your needs in order to please and accommodate your partner. That this seems to be happening within the first week also suggests a degree of self sabotage - do you worry you’re not enough for someone/not worthy of love and connection?

I would either find a therapist I could address these issues with, or a good friend who knows about your family history and with whom you have a good rapport. If there is any form of abuse - emotional, physical etc. in your childhood, I would start there. An amazing book on such things is Surviving Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Seriously, I’ve read a lot of books, but that one is the absolute best for those of us who have endured NPD parent/s and have had to find a way to deal with resulting co-dependency issues.

The way to survive these things and eventually recover - because you absolutely can learn how to overcome this, is to firstly understand both the driving force behind your behaviour (how were you treated as a child, how did your parents behave toward each other etc.), and, importantly, the emotions you’re feeling. IMPORTANT: You can’t change your behaviour if you don’t understand the emotions that drive it. Another amazing book (written by someone who endured an abusive childhood and is who also an academic - a *winning combination*), is The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. If you get these two books, you’ll find a world of information that will help you to recognise your patterns of behaviour along with tools on how to find your way through it.

Quick notes / random thoughts

1. Forgive yourself - this is not your fault. You are not damaged, you’ve been hurt.
2. The human brain is malleable: you absolutely CAN recover by introducing new ideas and behaviours if you’re committed to change. We’re built for this.
3. You’re not a “crazy psycho” - stop using that language. Never speak of yourself in that way. You’re learning to find a way to be the world - speak kindly of yourself and others and remind yourself, daily, that you’re learning to figure out a new way to be in the world. Seriously, just keep it simple. Be kind to yourself.
4. When you’re next in the throes of a new connection, have a friend you can check in with, every day, and just talk about how you’re feeling, in that moment, before you send the text etc. until such time as you start to feel calmer and, well, safer in the way you’re managing your anxiety. Because the more often you behave in congruence with your desire for connection - calm/loving, allowing the other person to reach out to you, expressing their desire to see you/connect, you’re allowing yourself to be reassured that you’re desired.
5. Get busy doing things for yourself, so that you’re otherwise engaged and not mentally free to obsess over someone. Do sports, go to a lecture etc. Whatever. Just get busy.

Again, you absolutely can change these behaviours, but you have to do the work. Those two books are outstanding sources of information. If nothing else, you’ll be reassured by how common your experience is and that you’re not alone. So many people struggle with this.

So... I'd like to post this thread in search for maybe some psychologists or some people who may be willing to help me with this difficult issue. I've posted some personal threads on this forum before, and I've always gotten good feedback. This is kinda difficult for me so I would appreciate that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Basically here is what's going on. I basically tend to ruin every potential relationship that I try to go in by moving way too fast. I literally drive every guy away because I tend to just dive right in and I try WAY too hard. There was this absolutely fantastic guy that I met just recently and we clicked instantly but I ruined everything within a week because I again, dove in way too fast. This has happened with pretty much everyone.

I am pretty sure I have a really bad anxious attachment style. Whenever I become involved with a new guy, I instantly have an extreme fear that he's just going to disappear, or that he doesn't like me. So, to compensate, I end up going WAY over the top to try and validate myself. I get to the point to where if he doesn't text me back within a few hours I start to become really anxious. I also have a deep fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life.

I know I sound like a crazy psycho but I just don't know how to kick this behavior. Every new guy I tell myself to not go down this path but it always happens.

Thanks for any advice,

Of course, I’m making a huge assumption that you experienced challenges growing up - that may not be the case, but it invariably is, with issues like this. If I’m way off the mark, accept my apologies.

 

[hnla394]

First off, I’m not a therapist but I had done years of really, really expensive therapy (although, if it’s good, it’s not expensive in that it’s life saving work), and here’s my take on what you’ve shared: it sounds to me that you may have an ‘anxious’ attachment to others with aspects of codependency. You want to be close and are able to be intimate, but the preoccupation with maintaining a positive connection means that you give up your needs in order to please and accommodate your partner. That this seems to be happening within the first week also suggests a degree of self sabotage - do you worry you’re not enough for someone/not worthy of love and connection?

I would either find a therapist I could address these issues with, or a good friend who knows about your family history and with whom you have a good rapport. If there is any form of abuse - emotional, physical etc. in your childhood, I would start there. An amazing book on such things is Surviving Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Seriously, I’ve read a lot of books, but that one is the absolute best for those of us who have endured NPD parent/s and have had to find a way to deal with resulting co-dependency issues.

The way to survive these things and eventually recover - because you absolutely can learn how to overcome this, is to firstly understand both the driving force behind your behaviour (how were you treated as a child, how did your parents behave toward each other etc.), and, importantly, the emotions you’re feeling. IMPORTANT: You can’t change your behaviour if you don’t understand the emotions that drive it. Another amazing book (written by someone who endured an abusive childhood and is who also an academic - a *winning combination*), is The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. If you get these two books, you’ll find a world of information that will help you to recognise your patterns of behaviour along with tools on how to find your way through it.

Quick notes / random thoughts

1. Forgive yourself - this is not your fault. You are not damaged, you’ve been hurt.
2. The human brain is malleable: you absolutely CAN recover by introducing new ideas and behaviours if you’re committed to change. We’re built for this.
3. You’re not a “crazy psycho” - stop using that language. Never speak of yourself in that way. You’re learning to find a way to be the world - speak kindly of yourself and others and remind yourself, daily, that you’re learning to figure out a new way to be in the world. Seriously, just keep it simple. Be kind to yourself.
4. When you’re next in the throes of a new connection, have a friend you can check in with, every day, and just talk about how you’re feeling, in that moment, before you send the text etc. until such time as you start to feel calmer and, well, safer in the way you’re managing your anxiety. Because the more often you behave in congruence with your desire for connection - calm/loving, allowing the other person to reach out to you, expressing their desire to see you/connect, you’re allowing yourself to be reassured that you’re desired.
5. Get busy doing things for yourself, so that you’re otherwise engaged and not mentally free to obsess over someone. Do sports, go to a lecture etc. Whatever. Just get busy.

Again, you absolutely can change these behaviours, but you have to do the work. Those two books are outstanding sources of information. If nothing else, you’ll be reassured by how common your experience is and that you’re not alone. So many people struggle with this.

Wow, such a thorough reply. Thank you

 

[spaj8987]

Doing this because this sort of topic i think would help out a lot of people. And because i think it's awesome that threads like this exist. This might also help anyone in this kind of situation.

Object Constancy: Understanding the Fear of Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder

Wow, such a thorough reply. Thank you

Well done on being open enough to create this thread. I know it was difficult to do.

 

[noirman]

This describes a lot of people to be fair. I’m similar, but instead of over compensating I go the opposite and self sabotage, picking fights and telling myself that they are not right for me.

It’s a lack of self worth usually. And it’s so stupid - why do we need love to validate us? We don’t. We need to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves.

Absolutely spot-on advice!

 

[Alina Is Thicc]

I rarely get as far as meeting up with someone. People lose interest in me long before then.

What few have pursued me in the past didn't like how dedicated I am so early on, and dislike traits about my personality, such as my sense of humor. This has caused me to become more montone at times, or a emotional ball.

Either way, is dating really this difficult? I'm open to pretty much everyone who is nice, and within resonable range of my age.

 

[SoaringSpirit]

I rarely get as far as meeting up with someone. People lose interest in me long before then.

What few have pursued me in the past didn't like how dedicated I am so early on, and dislike traits about my personality, such as my sense of humor. This has caused me to become more montone at times, or a emotional ball.

Either way, is dating really this difficult? I'm open to pretty much everyone who is nice, and within resonable range of my age.

Dont change or be " LESS" to please compensate or fit in. Be yourself !

 

[dreamer20]

I basically tend to ruin every potential relationship...I literally drive every guy away because I tend to just dive right in and I try WAY too hard. There was this absolutely fantastic guy that I met just recently and we clicked instantly but I ruined everything within a week because I again, dove in way too fast...I am pretty sure I have a really bad anxious attachment style.
Whenever I become involved with a new guy, I instantly have an extreme fear that he's just going to disappear, or that he doesn't like me. So, to compensate, I end up going WAY over the top to try and validate myself. I get to the point to where if he doesn't text me back within a few hours I start to become really anxious. I also have a deep fear that I will end up alone the rest of my life.
...

hnla394 it's time for you to stop being so anxious and relax. Be confident, optimistic and hope for future success and not impending doom. If you do get on well with another guy don't expect him to be texting you every few hours. Let your relationships transition slowly - with the other guy setting the pace of things as you are moving way too fast IYO.

 

[hnla394]

hnla394 it's time for you to stop being so anxious and relax. Be confident, optimistic and hope for future success and not impending doom. If you do get on well with another guy don't expect him to be texting you every few hours. Let your relationships transition slowly - with the other guy setting the pace of things as you are moving way too fast IYO.

It’s easy for someone who doesn’t struggle with un-secure attachment to just say “let things happen” and “just stop being like this” when anyone with it knows it just feels like my brain goes haywire and it’s hard to get under control. Any other actual helpful advise is appreciated on this

 

[Shadrach]

It sounds like you just haven’t met the right person yet. Be upfront about who you are and the right person will work through that with you.

 

[Gj816]

I met someone on a dating app. We texted for a couple of weeks and met for dinner at an agreed restaurant.

When we entered the restaurant (which I had never been to). A woman I went to school with works there. Hadn't seen each other in years. I spoke to her and the lady I met got upset because i spoke to her.

We're seated and I didn't realize that this lady was a loud talker. I might add that she didn't look anything like her picture. But, still I'd come that far and decided I'd give it a chance.
I was a little embarrassed because she talked so loud that everyone around us kept looking over at her while she was talking.

I'm guessing she doesn't realize that she talks so loud or she doesn't care. In all honesty I don't think she's what I'm looking for. Her demeanor and actions remind me an awful lot of an ex, which shoots off red flags for me.

I tried to be polite and courteous paid for our dinner, she offered to pay half. Actually about 20 minutes into meeting this lady I was ready to leave. There just wasn't any chemistry there.

Also about a week or so before my ex spent the night at my house. I woke up the next morning with her on my sofa and thought why the hell don't you go home?

I've come to enjoy the single life and not having to deal with the other person. The only draw back is not having sex on a regular basis. I'm wandering now if sex is worth having someone else around all the time?
I much rather like the idea of going out and getting a piece and then coming home to the peace and comfort of my own home.

OP just be yourself. Sometimes it is good to be alone. There's a world of difference in being alone and being lonely. I'm certainly not lonely. There's a lot to be said about being free to come and go as one chooses. Some people can't handle being alone. I didn't st first. I stay busy. Between keeping the yard and keeping a clean house and going out occasionally I'm never lonely. There is always something to do. Don't try to hard or be too hard on yourself. It'll happen, you'll meet someone as quirky as you. Good luck.

 

[hnla394]

If anyone wants to talk with me about this i'd love to chat with someone to help me through it. Inbox me