Relationship and commitment issues

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Leotols Toy, Aug 12, 2011.

  1. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Only been in two serious relationships (one could barely be called a relationship).
    The first girl was my first love and treated me like a booty call and never wanted to commit, but just keep it casual. That worked for one of us so it was me constantly getting screwed over. I'm over her and putting up with that bullshit.

    Just recently I ended it with a girl who I had been dating for 8 months and we clicked on all levels, she understood my need for space with school and respected me doing my own thing. The past 2 weeks I have been on vacation and we've been glued at the hip, so feelings of anxiety of life as a single man kept popping into my head. Rather than asking for space, I panicked and dumped her. I've been sitting here for the past two days contemplating what made me do it.

    I plan to travel in a year or two after school so that was kind of my thought, but now the more I think about it so much could change in a year or two like not traveling. So it almost seems silly to end something good for something in the future.

    Is it normal to have thoughts of the single life in a long-term relationship or did I act too hastily?

    I just need some people to talk with and some advice
     
  2. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

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    Not knowing all the particulars of the relationship and just going on what you stated, it kinda sounds like the 2 week vacation might have made you feel a bit 'suffocated'.

    Spending 24/7 time with a partner rarely is ever healthy (though I have known a few couples that love that and it works great.) However, if you and your girl (ex) were both aware of the need for space, then during the vacation you may have experienced what I call a claustrophobic relationship.

    Maybe you should have taken some time during your vacation to have some 'male bonding' time away from the girl. It's possible that this claustrophobic feeling made you react too quickly and hastily. It's possible (depending on how you 'dumped her') that you can explain that you had a knee-jerk reaction to how you were feeling confined, and that you realized how much you appreciate the space as well as the time with her.

    But be prepared for her to be confused and hurt, even angry or bitter. She might wonder if you will have that knee-jerk reaction again in the future.

    If you feel like you acted hastily and want to explain to her, she may say yes or she may say no. If the answer is no, the accept this as a lesson learned not to make life-changing decisions too quickly.

    You sound like you've had time to think things through... good luck .
     
  3. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Thanks that's the kind of information I need to hear. I couldn't quite grasp the concept on my own. We have broken up before 2 other times, for different reasons, but I'm doubtful if she'll hear me out. We work together and it was an awkward shift tonight that's for sure. She texted me saying that "I'm sorry I'm being such a bitch to you" so part of me wants to think she wants to talk.

    I just wish I had realized what was making me feel this way during the break up, I just froze and couldn't explain it.
     
  4. helgaleena

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    If she is apologizing yes, she is keeping channels open. But you are getting pushed around by things beyond your conscious control that cause you to panic. I think both of you need to take steps back to 'the friend zone' until you have done more of the things in your life that you think, for some strange reason, would interfere with your ideal of a good relationship.

    You have preconceptions, probably faulty, about how a relationship ought to be, based on your being a bit of a doormat with your first love. Accept what you and this other girl have now simply as it is and don't pressure yourself or her into making more out of it. Give her permission to 'think outside the box' and do so yourself. Other parts of your life have higher priority than being a couple right now, so think of other ways to get your needs safely and acceptably met while you are on different roads.
     
  5. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    I took the time to really think about things and talked with her about everything and we're back together.

    You're too right about preconceptions of relationships. I thought relationships were just easy and if they weren't something wasn't right. The relationship was never demanding but I guess being around each other so much so soon led me to believe it was.

    I never thought of being single as in being with other girls, I couldn't stop thinking about her the whole week. I just needed time to myself and instead of understanding that it seems I panicked and thought those feelings just weren't right.

    I've got a lot to learn about relationships, but thankfully this girl gives a shit about me and even considered me giving me another chance.
     
  6. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Thanks for the advice, it definitely help put my situation into perspective.
     
  7. Bbucko

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    This paragraph tells me that you weren't ready for that level of commitment; there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but be honest with yourself about it.

    Yeah, it's entirely normal. No one in a long-ish term relationship doesn't go through periods of doubt.
     
  8. helgaleena

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    Good for you! Somehow this amazing girl realized what you did not, that you didn't really want to break up, just have a bit of a breather from all the closeness!

    Just be sure to be understanding if she needs a vacation from you sometimes, as well. :wink:
     
  9. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Haha definitely, I'm sure she gets tired of my bullshit.

    Either way, I just need to be honest with her and my need for space.
    There really should be a guide on relationships -_- I'm no good at em
     
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