Relationship and sexuality Question

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Slamdunk_dude, Feb 27, 2007.

  1. Slamdunk_dude

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    Hey guys,

    As you might know, or not, I posted on here some time ago about grappling with some sexuality issues. I agonised about putting myself into a category of sexuality and being open with everyone about it, I was having problems thinking that I was somehow deceiving people.

    Thanks to the advice of the people on this forum I reached a solution, I just decided that I was going to be myself, not try and fit into any other category. Anyway I have accepted my attraction to both men and women and am so much happier within myself that its amazing. I also realised that life is not clear black and white, and to try and explain myself to everyone would be a pointless task, therefore I do not advertise my sexual preferences but I have stopped trying to hide them too, for example if I see a guy i think is hot then I say it. Also, if anyone asks me directly about my sexuality I tell them (as best I can) for me this has been the best solution, and for that I really have to thank everyone here.

    However, I have come to a bit of a quandry. I have been in a very serious relationship with a woman I love for more than a year now. From the start it was very important to me that I was totally honest about everything and therefore she knows and accepts my attraction to men. I feel like we have a very healthy and open relationship as I feel able to comment to her when I think a dude is hot, and likewise for a girl, and she does the same to me, without either of us feeling threatened.

    However, we have been speaking recently about our commitment to one another with a view to talking about us maybe getting married in our future. She asked me if it would be hard for me to know I couldn't have sex with anyone else in the future. I honestly didn't know what to say as I genuinely hadn't thought about it too much before. I am more than satisfied with my girlfriend at the moment but there is one issue: I am very attracted to guys but have never done anything with one, even kissed, to some extent I don't even know if I want to, or if the fantasy of it excites me more than the reality. However, the prospect of being married and KNOWING I can NEVER do anything with a guy is too much for me. I can't imagine going through my life without experimenting that way, it has always been something I have felt the need to do, and reading about some of the same sex experiences on this site makes me want to do it more.

    My question: How should I address this? By telling her directly she could feel like I am saying she is not enough for me, or that I don't want to be committed to her, which I do. I just feel like at some point in the future this is something I have to do.

    Sorry for the length and general wordiness of the post. I would appreciate genuine replies please.

    Thanks :smile:

    Slamdunk_Dude
     
  2. B_Hung Muscle

    B_Hung Muscle New Member

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    It seems to me that what you are grappling with is commitment to monogamy, not commitment to heterosexuality.

    I am assuming your gf would not be pleased if you decided to have sex with other women if you two married, right?

    I know my critics will howl at this again, but I view monogamy as unnatural. I'm completely capable of loving one man exclusively. We're each other's best friend, confidant, and partner. But every once in a while, both he and I like some extracurricular recreational activities, and we play very well with others. Since we first met, we've been very open and honest about this, and perhaps for that reason and because there is no "sneaking around," we don't have sex with many others.

    So, my two cents coach potato advice: be honest with your girlfriend about where your head, heart and libido are. It will save a lot of headaches, heartaches and blue balls in the future.
     
  3. Slamdunk_dude

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    Hey Hungmuscle,

    Logically I know that is sound advice, and yet I have a problem imagining myself saying it. I know that my girlfriend has experimented with other women in the past and does not have that much of a desire to do it again. However, I know that if she said to me that she wanted to have sex with someone else whether male or female it would break my heart. I know this makes me a hypocrite but its also what makes this so difficult.

    I think if I told her that I was intriqued about sex with another guy or girl she would just be very hurt, even though she knows to some extent that it is on my mind.

    I just don't know how it would fit into our relationship. Would we take a 'break' while I experimented with others, or try and incorporate it into our relationship together? I just don't know emotionally if I could handle it. If I can't stand the idea of her being with someone else how can I expect her to put up with me wanting to do it?

    Sorry if these questions seem stupid or naive, its just a tough thing to contemplate.

    Thanks again,

    Slamdunk_Dude
     
  4. Ed69

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    I would say if she expects monogamy once you are married,wait to get married.It sounds like this is a desire you need to explore before making a commitment to one person.Or would she be willing to consider an open marriage?My wife has expressed a desire to play with other women and thats ok with me.I know she wants me for her life partner so sex with a third party is no threat.
     
  5. Slamdunk_dude

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    I don't know how open to the idea of an open marriage or open relationship she would be. We decided early on to be monogamous as our feelings were so intense that the idea of us being with anyone else was quite painful.

    I guess the best thing is just to be open with her. I just don't want to ruin a good thing.

    Slamdunk_Dude
     
  6. Ed69

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    So maybe just let it role.We've been together 16 years so the intense possesive feelings are not so intense.Just take it slow and keep talking.
     
  7. JustAverage

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    Have you two considered a threesome with another bicurious guy? I realize you may not want the guy and her to be together, so maybe their interaction could be limited. Either way, talk to your girl and define boundaries.
     
  8. Joseph

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    A question I could ask myself, except I don't have a girlfriend.
    I think if she asked you honestly and directly what you think about it, then you'll have to give her an honest awnser. How will it end up? You gotta wait for her awnser...
     
  9. headbang8

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    SDD,

    Life is about choices.

    If you love your girlfriend so much that you cannot imagine life without her, then get married and leave men as a fantasy.

    If your attraction to men is strong enough that not exploring it will remain a thorn in your side for the rest of your life, then break your monogamy. Do it openly and honestly, however painful it is for both you and your girlfriend.

    It sounds to me like the latter is the case.

    I predict that if you marry your girlfriend without exploring the other side of your sexuality, you'll manage monogamy for a few years. But the opportunity will present itself sometime in the future--a business trip, one-too-many drinks with a buddy, an internet flirtation, or just pent-up curiosity--and you'll violate your vows.

    Sample of one; heterosexual monogamy didn't work for me. But I turned out to be a bit gayer than I expected!

    Making a choice, however positive the outcome may be in some respects, involves mourning the loss of another opportunity. Whichever decision you make, there will be some regret; indulge it, and grieve for the possibility of what might have been. But grief goes away, eventually. Your yearning for men will not.

    HB8
     
  10. rubberwilli

    rubberwilli Member

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    I agree with hung muscle to some extent. I know I'm not meant to be monogamous but I would like to be in a stable and committed relationship sharing my life experiences with one consistant person and comeing hoem to them every night (or almost every night).

    I'm just going to add that open relationships don't typically start open from the get go unless both partners agree to that up front, and then in my opinion there is very likely little committment to each other or the relationship. You have to commit to some time of getting to know each other and establishing a deep level of trust to know that regardless of what's happening sexually, the partner is always coming back to you for the emotional and supportive part of the relationship.

    I have many friends in open relationships that have been deepley committed to each other for many years. Some who are best friends and sleep in the same bed but haven't had sex with each other in years as their sexual tastes have changed. Others who continue to have great sex lives but have negotiated clauses that allow some outside play and experiences in certain circumstances

    IE: You can't actually sleep in the same bed with anyone else, but you can have sexual experiences if you are traveling on business I'm traveling on business, that way it's not in our hometown and doesn't put the relatonship at a risk. Or you tell me everything that happens in details so I can enjoy it as well, or you don't tell me anything and I don;t want to know what happens, and I do the same thing.

    It's up to each couple and each relationship to figure out how you are going to do that or not do that.

    That's my two cents.
     
  11. hung

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    A Difficult situation to be sure. Now my two cents. It requires that you both be honest. As difficult as it may be, let her know your current situation and feelings.

    You may very well have to forget this female. You may find out that your situation requires that you admit that you are bi-sexual.

    No matter what happens, explore the situation now before any marriage.
    You certainly do not want to screw up your life with a marriage and then a quick divorce because you do not know who or what you are.

    No matter what course of action you take, either choice can be painful. However, you must consider which will be the quickest to overcome and you also have to live with yourself for many years.

    Yes, a difficult situation as I stated in my first sentence. I wish you the best as you sort this out, and by the way, only you can sort this out.
     
  12. fortiesfun

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    There has been a lot of good advice here already. Just my two cents worth from a married bisexual man: if you even suspect that you can't get married and be monogomous forever without having slept with a man at least once, then I can guarantee you are right. It is hard to do, because the risk seems so great, but you should tell your girlfriend that you are not sure that is a commitment you could live up to. Better to get it out in the open now than make a promise you can't keep. She may surprise you with the creativity she brings to helping you work through the problem.

    I was not so open when I first got married, as I didn't know myself as well as you seem to, but my wife and I have worked it out. We have boundaries to our relationship, but stop short of expecting exclusive monogomy. (We are heterosexually monogomous with each other, but leave a little room, still with limits, for some homosexual activity.)

    Promise only what you can deliver. Express your doubts openly. Talk out and work on solutions together. In the end, you'll be happier.
     
  13. dreamer20

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    Slamdunk_Dude she has presented her view of marriage. You can present your view of an open relationship, whether married or not, if that suits your fancy. Hopefully you will find a person who will agree with the latter arrangement.
     
  14. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    The brain is a magnificent sex organ. I find that my fantasy life is much more varied than my real life. But, and that's a big but, the real for me is much, much, more satisfactory.

    This has recalled for me a bawdy song by a wonderful songstress in a bar many years ago: "When your mind's made a contract your body can't fill,/ you're over the hill, brother,/ you're over the hill." I'm happy to report that hasn't happened to me yet.
     
  15. karmen

    karmen New Member

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    Have you and your girlfriend tried strap-on and/or role play? This type of play could be a way for you to open a discussion with your girlfriend about certain feelings/doubts.

    I do realise that just because a man likes anal/prostate stimulation, it doesn't make him gay or bi.

    Personally, I think it's hot that a man knows what he likes or will let me introduce him to this type of stimulation--but then again, that's just me :wink: .

    Hugs and Kisses,

    Karmen
     
  16. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    This thread shows some of the variety that exists in the ways in which people make arrangements which they are comfortable with to allow for the expression of human sexuality.

    Much of the conflict we see in our society in this whole area is due to the attempt of some to force us all into one pattern--the one they approve, of course.
     
  17. dudepiston

    dudepiston New Member

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    This is something I know a little bit about, too.

    When I first married, I really didn't know the strength of my inclination towards men, sexually. Prior to meeting my spouse, I had experienced years of 'gay feelings' but to be honest, they were vague and general. I had no relationships, no sexplorations.

    The feelings I had, intense, for my spouse wiped out my male fantasies, like shaking an etch-a-sketch. I could be satisfied ONLY by her, and her only by me.

    Then after the wedding, real life settled in. And that's ok! It's got to. Otherwise you're not really living. Work, kids, families, vacations, buying a house, mortgages, medical issues. It all happened & we have survived all of it, and in fact come out on top in some ways.

    But about 3 or 4 years into the marraige I began to feel, STRONGLY, the desire/need to be with another guy. This has been a thorn in my side, to say the least and had I known, I would have dealt with it much more honestly from the get-go.

    My advice, deal with it now. Will it be painful? Perhaps...and we're all about avoiding pain aren't we? But trust me, it'll be worse if you don't deal with it.
     
  18. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    DUDEPISTON, were I in your place I would have to remind myself that my situation is largely of my own making. And, what I have made I must deal with; and, honorable man that I am, I will not do anything that will hurt those I love.

    Now, speaking for myself, I want to assure you, Dudepiston, you are not the first to face such a situation and you will not be the first to deal with it honorably and without hurt to others, nor will you be the first to deal with such a situation and fail. And, speaking for myself, I will bet on your being what you know you have to be. Am I sufficiently understanding toward you?
     
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