relationship break-up advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by bottombuddy, Jan 21, 2008.

  1. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    after a very sucessful 14 year relationship with my partner he decided to leave in july/august without giving me any reasons. he asked me not to ask him to come back home as i "would convince him to".....we still meet once a week to chat but until recently i still wasnt allowed to ask why he left.

    he told me saturday that someone had told him i was seeing someone else which was blatantly not true....i had never been unfaithful to him or any previous partner,etc.

    i was also working around 80 hours a week or so and my partner was with me 90% of the time- business together.i do not own a mobile phone,etc.i cant see how i a supposed to have found the time to meet anyone even if i was inclined to do so - which im not.

    the advice id like to ask is what do i do to win my partner back as it has affected both him and myself terribly (he had a breakdown after he left).....he now has his own flat,is getting medication and therapy too (he has other issues i cant discuss - but i always supported him with them in relationship)

    ive told him the door is open for him if he wishes to return,my family have treated him like he was with me throught our time apart....they are distraught for us both as much as i am.

    what do i have to do to win my partner back?.and if he cant face coming back what do i do to move on.......i dont know if our friendship would last if he decided to say no......be grateful for any genuine replies please-no weiro's please.
     
  2. Dave NoCal

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,995
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sacramento (CA, US)
    Have you told him what you told us?
    Dave
     
  3. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    i have m8...when we met saturday......it may be too soon for him to know the truth or hear it from me...he wont tell me who originally had said to him i was seeing someone else but i have an idea........and if my haunch is right its a friend i had about 20 years ago who enjoys seeing couples split up.

    14 years we shared m8 and right now i feel like im a sheet of paper that has been torn a thousand times and thrown into the wind......im being totally honest when i say i loved my partner so much this was the last thing i ever ever expected.

    i joined here a few weeks ago as i didnt have reasons then from him and wasnt allowed to ask and i thought i best try make an effort to move on but hearing that from him saturday has felt like my heart was ripped open...all very upsetting.

    it would be nice to hear others opinions on how they have dealt with relationships breaking up and or if they won someone back how did they do it........i feel lost right now.
     
  4. B_ajaxgayguy7

    B_ajaxgayguy7 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2006
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ask him if he is willing to try couples counsilling. You both could take separate cars and meet there. If he is not willing to hear your side, then how much does he love you after 14yrs? Are you sure he is not the one that is out playing around? the one that does the accusing is always the one that is out playing.
     
  5. B_ajaxgayguy7

    B_ajaxgayguy7 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2006
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    0
    If he is not willing to do counsilling, then get some for yourself to help you threw this rough period.
     
  6. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    thanks ajax....................there was alot of stuff going on say between the jan and july 07 that made me think that but i was too busy running biz and i always trusted him 100%..we have/had a beautiful home together and relationship seemed to be fine....but he did tell me this person had told him january so i guess thats why their was a change in his behaviour until he finally left in summer.

    on saturday he asked if id like to plan a trip to amsterdam for the weekend as we used to do stuff like that alot or we would visit california for longer breaks.

    i dont know if he is thinking of that as a friendship break or a romantic weekend and it would hurt me sooo much to think it was romance and id be building my hopes up then he may still say no so im stuck in the middle and said ill let him know by end of feb.

    my whole life was commited to us implicitly.....we always done everything together - we were like 2 swans together.
     
  7. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    Why do you suppose he ever approached you and asked you directly whether or not it was true what he heard? Do you honestly know if his psychiatric problems precipitated directly from your break up or is there more to the story?

    I'd say the best thing is to let him know that it was untrue you were seeing someone behind his back and say you are sorry that you ever broke up. It is hard giving advice because I don't know your partner very well. But it seems the ball is in his court now that he's heard your side of the story. All you can do is keep contact and support and hope for the best.
     
  8. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    It sounds like he is quite unstable. Was he unstable before the break up?

    - - - - - - -

    I'm not saying that unstable people are bad. Unstable people are quite often brilliant and lovable -- it's just hard for them to be that way all the time.

    IMHO, many unstable people have a "hearing problem" -- when you speak to them, you trigger bad memories, fears and internal dialogs... and then they get all stirred up.

    Therapies that teach people to "tame" these internal dialogs (destructive, internal self-talk) are often beneficial.

    Emotional cognitive therapy and neurolinguistic programing are two such therapies.

    Meantime, hang in there. Know that he is being ruled by internal dialog, and not by rational thought.

    Treat it like he's taking a much needed break to handle some internal demons. And also treat it like a test. Maybe he NEEDS you to prove that you ARE faithful to him by seeing how "well" you survive this test.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  9. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    11,908
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northumberland
    I would be asking him why he did not even ask you about these so called accusations and give you the opportunity to put things right early on. Try explaining to him how much he has hurt you by doing that on the basis of something that is totally unfounded.

    It sounds as though he may want to get back together with you. Encourage him to go to Relate with you if you do decide to try again. That way you lessen the risk of this all hapening again. It may sound selfish but you need to protect yourself from further hurt.
     
  10. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    thanks hotmilf.

    he had previously had a nervous breakdown approx 6/7 years ago....id helped him pull through and was there for him throught.

    he did tend to get stressed when things werent perfect and then he would try make it more perfect and get more stressed,etc...i used to tell him to calm down and relax.

    i noticed recently that everything he seemed to say to me was lies.i picked up on it but didnt mention as i know this is a stage depressed folk go through to seek attention,etc......ie:little white lies or wingeing alot,etc.

    he didnt have a great upbringing and most of his family had disowned him for at least the last 10 years after he told them he was with me and told them he was gay......some of them had gotten back in touch with him about a year before he left but i wasnt invited to meet them throught that year and i did tell him it was a strange situation to be in - i felt if i give him time to make friends with them and sort out their differences id be eventually included and re-introduced...he was seeing them (they telephoned) so i know he wasnt making it up and i spoke with them too on the odd ocassion.

    i always told him to chat to me if he had stuff to say and not hide his head in the sand.......i noticed he was particulary stressed around the time meeting his family and he did get medication but i knew he wasnt taking it until the point he left me......i tend to think it would have stabilised him and he wouldnt have untimately not then left.

    i realise relationships can be complicated and we all have different emotions,etc dailly.im the type of person who always puts others before myself to make sure theyre okay and expecially so to a partner in a relationship.......he is now taking his medication or so he says......and if he isnt then im still worried for him longer term and i guess im thinking he should still be here also so i can make sure he doesnt decline further than he had......id hate for that to happen whatever he decides or is thinking.

    he is only me second ever partner so i guess im just paniky abit about me too as im not used to changing partners from one relationship to the next as if they were going out of fashion.

    i dont drink or do the gay scene and if i am forced eventually to find a new partner then its to me like im shutting the ex out and to be honest right now im not so sure i could......i care for and really love this guy more than any of my own family.
     
  11. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    8,167
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    england
    It's hard to see a relationship end that way, but after 14 years he should have known you well enough to know whether or not you'd be likely to do the things he was told you'd done and to simply have asked you if he had any shadow of a doubt - when we're not in the position of having been dumped for nothing it's easy to say 'why would you want to be with someone like that', but after 14 years you should be the one person he trusts above all. You love him and care for him more than anyone else in the world and you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you. I don't think you should try to get back with him, if you accept what he's done you give him permission to do it again, to walk all over you secure in the knowledge you'll let him get away with anything.
     
  12. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    That makes sense, BottomBuddy. Wow. He must have pure poison in his family.

    It honestly sounds to me like you can repair this. But it's a big responsibility because you're going to have to be the "rock" that the relationship is built upon.

    If I were you, I'd study up on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy as well as NLP. It will help you to remain stable if you understand what might be going on in his head.

    I see no reason to give up on someone because of emotional injuries. A good, stable person is about the best therapy a recovering person can have.

    PS: And if it doesn't work out, which I highly doubt, don't worry that you'll never find love again. Someone as capable of LOVING as you obviously are will be able to have love again. :redface:
     
  13. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    thanks sp and hotmilf.

    well his big sis turned jehova and disowned everyone and that had a spiralling knock on effect that caused the family to stop speaking to him/us......but not them all.....the ones who did got back in touch but the jehova one hasnt and doubt she ever will........he tells me although theyre back in touch that he thinks theyre disfunctional more than ever and he sometimes wishes they hadnt contacted him and he wants to be away from them.......this is all slowly coming out.as ive had no personal contact with them.

    we chatted tonight and im trying to encourage him to start being open with me and give me some sort of dialogue with him about the relationship and well i want to know really how he is feeling and im itching to know if it is his intention to come back or not.

    when he left july/aug he took half his posessions and left half here in our house....theyres alot of personal stuff there from when he was younger and before he met me......my big sis trys to chat to him too and is trying to make him see sense but she says he is closing up on her and not really discussing much - she said she would like to visit within 3 weeks but she is 350 miles away - she is all i have to be honest...my mum died approx 3 yrs ago and i had a rough time myself after that.....the big sis has invited us to hers 3 times since jan 07 and all expenses were paid....she cares for him too and wants to help any way she can but she said to me the other day she thinks he isnt as ill as he makes out and is playing games.......she thinks his posessions are with me as he is keeping his options open incase things dont work out for him.

    so i lost my mum,lost a business and lost my partner who i love all within the short spaace of 3years but i still was there for him and still am..id rather think positive about him as i hope sincerely he changes and comes back.
     
  14. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    8,167
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    england
    I do hope it all works out for you, if you both want to make it work you will, and who knows, maybe if he opens up you can forge a new stronger relationship - but don't let him think for one minute he can do that again.
     
  15. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    we had never discussed a civil ceremony even after all these years together......but i had wanted too just after my mum died but was sidetracked with other stuff-like running biz,etc........perhaps i shouldve done something for us so he was feeling 100% secure....he was secure besides like but that may have been what he needed or wanted but didnt discuss it.

    i have no-one really and he was the same..we were similar in many ways in thought,tastes,etc.

    about 2 weeks ago his first words when he came to visit were....."well-do you still love me" this was before he even took his jacket off and it made me think he was turning the corner.....i told him i loved him very much and he meant more than anything in the world - i have hated seeing him in turmoil and being unhappy..it affects me after he leaves as i try to remain upbeat when he visits.

    i'd like him to open up more with me.........its not like we just shared 6 months or a year is it.
     
  16. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    Interesting. Well, do you think your sister is speaking the truth? Or is she just fed up with the situation?

    In any case, it's what YOU believe is what is important here.

    Anyway, I'm sorry that you lost all that in such a short time. It's a wonder that YOU'RE not cracking up. :rolleyes: (Or if you are, you're weathering it well.)

    If I were you, I'd go ahead and take that vacation to Amsterdam if you can persuade him. Getting away from it all might be good for him.

    But don't look at it as a second honeymoon. Look at it as a chance to reconnect after all this trauma, and to figure out what is what. A sort of business trip to figure out what IS the "business."

    He's lucky to have you.
     
  17. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    1. You can never WIN a partner back. If a guy is going to leave you after fourteen years and tell you that you didn't have a right to ask "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!!!"...that would speak volumes. I wouldn't want him back. You deserve to know the reasons why he left you. You were together for fourteen years. Trust me, you do. That is a lot of time to spend with someone NOT to know the reasons.

    2. If you can't convince him that you aren't cheating on him--he will always think that you are cheating regardless. He wanted an out.

    3. You don't have to have him back. He left. I could never trust a man that leaves abruptly.

    4. I wouldn't want his friendship. Life is too short for issues and bullshit.

    5. Hard point: Give him back his stuff, stop seeing him and block his calls. Move on.

    6. Maybe, he doesn't want you back. And maybe THAT is a blessing not a curse.

    7. If you allow him back without knowing the reasons why he left in the first place--that is just setting you up to get your heart broke again. He could leave you again.

     
  18. B_Gaylord69

    B_Gaylord69 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2008
    Messages:
    75
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    PH
    Oh, I'm sorry for that dude.....

    Just take another so you couldn't be lonely.

    ..........
     
  19. bottombuddy

    bottombuddy Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2007
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    thanks again hotmilf.......your helping me see clarity through what is sometimes a muddle of emotions/thoughts.

    ive not given a decision re amsterdam to him but i may just do that as if i refuse he may think i dont want to be with him.

    i think my big sis is pissed off to be honest as he was telling her stuff way back before he left and making her feel awkward with me as she knew he was leaving me before i did..he had confided in her and put her in a position........i guess some things that should have been said to me were offloaded on her and as time changes so has his stories or reasons,etc.

    ive just told her not to feel involved.....she has reassured me she is there for me and although she loves him too - shes slowly thinking he is playing games and doesnt want to see me hurt more than i already have been.

    i always try to be strong through everything and can normally see clearly answers,etc...thankfully ive not cracked up - ive my cat to look after-he keeps me sane at moment.
     
  20. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    Yes, stories CAN change. Not necessarily because people are liars or takers, but because people interpret facts differently at different moments in time.

    Have you ever looked back and said to yourself, Aaaaah, that's what was going on with me? Or, Oh -- THAT'S what I really meant.

    But then, I don't know the extent of the story-changes.

    Your sister naturally wants to protect you.

    But like I said, you're the one who knows what you want, and what you can tolerate. And if you choose to make this relationship work, at least you're doing it with open eyes -- you know the extent of his instability, and the ups and downs he is capable of.

    Personally, I think he WANTS to come back. In fact, I think he wants you to sweep him off his feet.

    But then again, I shouldn't encourage you to be too impetuous.... :eek:

    More communication, not less.

    So keep talking -- whether it's in Amsterdam, Cairo or curled up with your cat. :wink:

    I've got to feed the kids now. Keep me posted.

    PS: Wow -- I wrote the word "but" a lot. Sorry about that. ;-)
     
Draft saved Draft deleted