Relationship Feedback

chancesare

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I originally wrote this up as a long and detailed post, but I figured I'd cut it short for everyone's sake. I am in my first gay relationship (I am 42), and I am only out to two people. So, I have no one to turn to help process and get feedback, and this has been very difficult.

What do you think of this? I have been dating a guy for 17 moths (he is 17 years older than I am). Before he had me in his life, he was deeply depressed, painfully lonely, scared of growing old alone, and has told me he gets mentally fucked up from breaks up. We have had two big fights and both came from the issue of him wanting to play with other guys. I have said repeatedly from the beginning that I am not wired for open relationships. I actually tried it with him, and it didn't end well. Eleven weeks after our big, calmly discussed blow up about it, he brings up the idea of wanting to open up again. He likes jacking off with other guys, and he thinks I should I have sex with others. And, 17 months after we've been together and over two years since we first hooked up, he says, "After you've been with someone 7 or 8 months, you lose that connection. My brother and his wife don't even sleep in the same bed any more. But it's the heart connection that's most important, and we have that."

Thoughts? How would you feel?
 

MisterB

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I originally wrote this up as a long and detailed post, but I figured I'd cut it short for everyone's sake. I am in my first gay relationship (I am 42), and I am only out to two people. So, I have no one to turn to help process and get feedback, and this has been very difficult.

What do you think of this? I have been dating a guy for 17 moths (he is 17 years older than I am). Before he had me in his life, he was deeply depressed, painfully lonely, scared of growing old alone, and has told me he gets mentally fucked up from breaks up. We have had two big fights and both came from the issue of him wanting to play with other guys. I have said repeatedly from the beginning that I am not wired for open relationships. I actually tried it with him, and it didn't end well. Eleven weeks after our big, calmly discussed blow up about it, he brings up the idea of wanting to open up again. He likes jacking off with other guys, and he thinks I should I have sex with others. And, 17 months after we've been together and over two years since we first hooked up, he says, "After you've been with someone 7 or 8 months, you lose that connection. My brother and his wife don't even sleep in the same bed any more. But it's the heart connection that's most important, and we have that."

Thoughts? How would you feel?
Like you, I am hardwired for monogamy.

I'd tell him that. And if that's one of your "dealbreakers", then I'd tell him I hope he has a great life. And then I'd be on my merry way.

But then again, my advice is colored by the fact I was cheated on by two live-in boyfriends. Who neglected to tell me we were in a open relationship. I was monogamous. But when I did discover what was happening, to the curb they both went. Even though it hurt. But, I'm worth more than settling for anything in life, especially a relationship.

Now in your case, the open relationship discussion is out in the open. It seems you two are coming from opposite opinions--he wants one, you don't. So it really boils down to you.

What do you want? Is this a relationship dealbreaker for you? What would make YOU happy? That should guide your decision. Do you want to be miserable in your first gay relationship? I know I don't do misery well.

Good luck and keep us posted!
 

chancesare

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Thanks. I am going now to spend the weekend at his house. I feel like he basically told me I was unattractive and doesn't want to have sex with me. This has been a difficult week, and I don't know how to discuss it with him without it being difficult. I know he will try to say he means something else, but I can't see any other interpretation. I hope it doesn't lead to a fight.

An open relationship is a deal breaker, partially because I can't help but develop feelings for other guys, particularly when they can't seem to get enough of me and my boyfriend apparently can. It's also a deal-breaker because it's not how I'm wired.
 

socalfreak

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My take on it is that he doesn't actually want a relationship.... He wants a safety net, so he's never alone.
Fuck that.
And, I question why someone older wants/needs sexual intimacy with others...
Insecure about his age?
Needing reassurance that he's still worthwhile to others?

Too much drama and bullshit.
You were clear in what you want/need.
If he can't respect that, you don't need someone in your life like that.
Run. Don't walk.

Being alone for the right reasons is better than being with someone for the wrong ones.
 

ohiorod

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Since you are much less experienced in the relationship department, I think you are going to have to chalk this up to a lesson learned and a successful test of your values. You have stood your ground and the relationship is not working out. But I will add that this doesn’t have to involve blow outs. You both have your values; neither wants to change, so pick which is most important your guy or who you are. This can still be a friendship, but only if you accept each other and respect each other’s choices. And then in the future, you now know that this discussion is important early in the dating or hooking up period. I’ve walked in your shoes and yes I felt the loss, but I also felt better that I wasn’t always trying to change someone or wondering if I could trust him. Good luck!
 
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I originally wrote this up as a long and detailed post, but I figured I'd cut it short for everyone's sake. I am in my first gay relationship (I am 42), and I am only out to two people. So, I have no one to turn to help process and get feedback, and this has been very difficult.

What do you think of this? I have been dating a guy for 17 moths (he is 17 years older than I am). Before he had me in his life, he was deeply depressed, painfully lonely, scared of growing old alone, and has told me he gets mentally fucked up from breaks up. We have had two big fights and both came from the issue of him wanting to play with other guys. I have said repeatedly from the beginning that I am not wired for open relationships. I actually tried it with him, and it didn't end well. Eleven weeks after our big, calmly discussed blow up about it, he brings up the idea of wanting to open up again. He likes jacking off with other guys, and he thinks I should I have sex with others. And, 17 months after we've been together and over two years since we first hooked up, he says, "After you've been with someone 7 or 8 months, you lose that connection. My brother and his wife don't even sleep in the same bed any more. But it's the heart connection that's most important, and we have that."

Thoughts? How would you feel?
Sorry, I feel for you. Terribly disappointing. This feels like a fundamental difference. My instinct would be to get out and look elsewhere for love. Good luck :kissing_heart:
 

ItsAll4Kim

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Thanks. I am going now to spend the weekend at his house. I feel like he basically told me I was unattractive and doesn't want to have sex with me. This has been a difficult week, and I don't know how to discuss it with him without it being difficult. I know he will try to say he means something else, but I can't see any other interpretation. I hope it doesn't lead to a fight.

An open relationship is a deal breaker, partially because I can't help but develop feelings for other guys, particularly when they can't seem to get enough of me and my boyfriend apparently can. It's also a deal-breaker because it's not how I'm wired.
This seems like a no-brainer. He didn't relent when you first said no. You aren't going to change your mind.

There's no reason for this to be a fight. Just talk, and say goodbye.
 

Novaboy

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It's odd that he claims that break-ups "fuck him up" but he is basically breaking up with you. I agree, that he wants a companion as a safety net. From what you've said and what I've read, I don't think that's what you want. I no one deserves to settle. You deserve better...especially as it's your first gay relationship. Put yourself first.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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It's odd that he claims that break-ups "fuck him up" but he is basically breaking up with you. I agree, that he wants a companion as a safety net. From what you've said and what I've read, I don't think that's what you want. I no one deserves to settle. You deserve better...especially as it's your first gay relationship. Put yourself first.
Anyone who says that type of thing, especially early on, is a definite candidate for you to pull the two EJECT handles. The last thing I need is someone trying to make me fear a breakup. Oh, it fucks you up ?? Well, get ready to be fucked up.
 

LaFemme

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I agree with what everyone else has said here. You know what you want and need from a relationship. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who’s wired the same way you are. The hard part is ending it. But you can do it. The pain will eventually end and you will feel much better about standing your ground. You deserve better. I wish you the best.
 

Infernal

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Be honest with him, and yourself. It doesn't matter what his experience is with it, or what his brother's life is like. That's irrelevant. It's about what works for the both of you. Obviously this type of relationship doesn't work for you. This is all new for you, and he sounds a bit jaded and beaten down by life. Shake hands and call it a day.
 

cherryboom66

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He is a prick. End of.

Manipulation, sob stories, bullshit... you don’t need that, no one does. Get rid of the dead weight, open yourself up to the people you know. Become the person you need to be first, then see what happens.
 

SoaringSpirit

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He wants it his way, not your way. Look up NARCISSIST...you stand your ground. Don't settle for less & above all be happy.
Life is too short for needless drama. As above poster stated, better to be alone & happy than to be in the wrong relationship & miserable.
You have your life ahead of you enjoy it with the right person !