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Relationship with best friend just got weird

aztechx

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Uhhhh, this situation is *nothing* like yours, aztech. You fondled your friend in his sleep - repeatedly - and convinced yourself that you're the victim. Not even remotely similar.

thats why i mentioned in terms of emotional and feelings..i never regarded myself as the victim..i just thought i could relate to how his friend might be feeling at the moment..thinking that ure in love with ur best friend..i dont think thats something everyone goes through everyday..
 

Florida Boy

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Uhhhh, this situation is *nothing* like yours, aztech. You fondled your friend in his sleep - repeatedly - and convinced yourself that you're the victim. Not even remotely similar.

I agree. Let aztech have both barrels. His situation is nothing like that of the current thread. He is the last person to offer someone advice, whether it be good or bad.

I called that nervy.
 
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I give aztech a bit of credit for seeing him finally and for once trying to help someone else. I will say one thing. He obviously would know how it is to "crush on someone" badly, so badly it has lasted well over a year. He knows from maybe his own feelings, how his friend may be feeling. Don't be so harsh on him.

I do have to admit tho aztech, your advice would be better accepted and appreciated if you learned how to finally handle your own problem.

I don't want this thread to hijack into something else so last thing I'll say is I'm very happy at the way the OP handled everything. A true friend.
 

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I do have to admit tho aztech, your advice would be better accepted and appreciated if you learned how to finally handle your own problem.


Seriously. Once and for all. I, too have suffered badly, hideously, but I have rarely encountered such a wallower and whiner.
 

dreamer20

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My best friend...Ryan,..I love the guy like a brother,.. he tells me he's been in love with me for 3 years... I've got no fucking idea what to do or say now.
I hung up on him ...and turned my phone off. I need to clear my head...I just need some help. I can't talk about this with friends or family, not right now. What the hell am I meant to do? :frown1:

I've tried to think back but there's nothing I've ever done that would have given him an idea to try something on,...
His girlfriend is ...saying that ...the 2 of them are finished. Which has made me feel horribly guilty in a fucked up way.
...I just wanna talk things out with him. I don't want him to go and do anything stupid...his phone is off and his GF doesn't know where he's gone...


Don't feel guilty about what happened between Ryan and his former GF YBNB. You didn't cause them to break up. Tell your friend you value his friendship and like him but you aren't in love with him. He must find a guy that can love him in return. Sadly he must suffer the pain of being on the rebound and his unrequited love for you now, but in time his pain will heal.
 

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Been in this situation several times in my 53 years ... grade school, high school, uni, and even after that ... not fun, nor easy.

He's drunk. Not good ... booze gives him courage ... but, is he telling the truth or playing mind games ? (with you and his girlfriend) ... difficult to tell at this juncture. Freaking out his family too ... woo hoo ...

What did I do in my situations ? ... well, it was a little different in that I had a face-to-face personal conversation with each, no one else around or able to overhear ... I had the person right in front of me when I pointed out (very gently, and not breaking eye contact ... that I was astonished and flattered beyond comprehension ... but sorry, I just don't play on that team ... if he does, great, he's still the fabulous worthy and important person whom I have friendship and affection for, regardless. We have "stolen some horses together", and shared our most personal feelings, and have a bond that I treasure, and will take to the grave as one of the highlights of my existence. Finding a soul mate is difficult but worthwhile.

You want my support - just like yesterday, you got it forever, no questions asked, no judgements made.

But I sure wish, in hindsight, that I didn't hear this from anyone else as a "surprise".
 

YBNB

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I've been talking to his now ex girlfriend tonight. He's been sick and is sleeping off his hangover [which I knew he would need to do!] and is gonna call me tomorrow morning.

She's taking things ok at the minute, but I know it'll get worse for her. Her dad committed suicide a while ago and ever since then she has, understandably, found emotional conflict particularly stressful.

Apparently he's told her that he's gay, and has been for a while. I didn't wanna delve too far here, as she was becoming a little upset, and I'm sure Ryan will tell me these things himself, in time.

The way I see it, it's like this. Unrequited love and one way feelings happens all the damn time between friends, be they straight or gay or bi. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter to me that it's my closest friend. You guys are right. If anything, it makes it much easier for me to gain some persceptive. It's obviously been unbelievably hard for him to overcome these feelings and try living a lie, keeping his girlfriend. He didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to develop feelings for me. But that's life. It's happened, and I know that he needs me now more than ever to help him along.
 

Countryguy63

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Are you open to being cloned??? :biggrin1:

Get him on here so we can tell him what an awesome friend he has in you!! Unfortunately, guys like you don't come around often enough.
 
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The way I see it, it's like this. Unrequited love and one way feelings happens all the damn time between friends, be they straight or gay or bi. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter to me that it's my closest friend. You guys are right. If anything, it makes it much easier for me to gain some persceptive. It's obviously been unbelievably hard for him to overcome these feelings and try living a lie, keeping his girlfriend. He didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to develop feelings for me. But that's life. It's happened, and I know that he needs me now more than ever to help him along.

What a perfect way to accept it and realize that he really didn't choose o develop feelings for you or any other male for that matter, he just did. And he has probably been struggling with it for a very long time. You have a very level head and I admire you for the way you are handling the whole thing. The friendship that has already gone by has not changed really. I hope it will all come back around and in time he will realize that he will have to accept your friendship as a straight guy having a gay friend. That is all it really is. And if he can do that, while respecting your "straightness" your friendship can actually get stronger. There can be love between two men that isn't physical. Keep that and I hope he can get past what he wants beyond that if he wants to keep your friendship. You handled it great and I hope you let him know that as long as he respects his boundaries, no foul and forgotten.
 

DiscoBoy

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The way I see it, it's like this. Unrequited love and one way feelings happens all the damn time between friends, be they straight or gay or bi. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter to me that it's my closest friend. You guys are right. If anything, it makes it much easier for me to gain some persceptive. It's obviously been unbelievably hard for him to overcome these feelings and try living a lie, keeping his girlfriend. He didn't choose to be gay and he didn't choose to develop feelings for me. But that's life. It's happened, and I know that he needs me now more than ever to help him along.
:clap::clap:

You're one in a billion. He's incredibly lucky to have you as a friend and it's obvious why he'd develop feelings for you. Lucky for you, you'll be studying abroad come June (was it June?) and that'll give you both the perfect opportunity to clear your heads and get past this. The time apart is exactly what he needs to get over you. Much healthier than simply ignoring him until he's no longer gaga. Just remember to keep up regular correspondence while you're gone!:biggrin1:

Also, I agree with countryguy, introduce him to the site. Perhaps we could help him deal with his sexuality issues? Who knows, maybe he'll find a[n endowed] person he really connects with.:wink:

My best goes out to the both of you.
 

DaveyR

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Well all I can say YBNB is that Ryan is a lucky guy to have you as his best mate. You have handled the whole thing perfectly. :smile:
 

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good for you for standing by your buddy. very honorable. good advice here from the entire thread
 

YBNB

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Well guys I'm just off the phone with him.

We had a bit of a laugh about the whole thing, but accepted that it's happened and it's real. He knows it's not gonna go any further and must accept that, but he seems more relieved that it's out in the open and I'm not pissed.

We couldn't chat for long, but we're gonna hang out when he's home on Friday, just as we usually would.
 

matt_6_18

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WOW! awesome story I'm 27 and gay and this has happened to me so I know how he feels. Just continue to be his friend and act like nothing happened because you know he will feel ashamed and uncomfortable about the whole thing. He may act like it is'nt bothering him but he will still have feelings for you unfortunatly and I think they will fade though. I think this is just a way he came to grips with his true self and came out to you because your his best mate he was drunk and in denial but he could'nt take it anymore obviously and had to tell you how he felt. He cares about you and you know he just needed to come clean.
 

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Hi YBNB,

I have been following your situation and can say that you are a wonderful person with a good heart. Obviously your friends sudden statement, caught you off guard as it would with any one. You have show great maturity in the way you have dealt with this situation, not only on a personal level, but you have encountered others emotions and feelings along the way and for this you are to be commended.

I am so pleased that everything has resolved in a positive light and I am sure many great life's lessons have been learned along the way, not just by you, but for everyone concerned. Let us not forget it is these situations and the way we deal/cope with them, makes us the person we are. Well done my friend you're a great friend to have in anyones eyes.

I wish your friend well and every happniness in his newly found self, I am sure the way you have dealt with and stood by him has helped him in more ways than one. May your friendship continue as before, knowing he trusts you enough to tell you his deepest secret. To him that was very important and you responded as he hope you would.

Talk great care my friend.

Sincere regards

Smartalk
 
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Rugbypup

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There is a massive difference in having love for someone and being in love with someone.

He may well need to know you 'have' love for him, as a friend, a brother and that hasn't changed.

But you are not 'in' love with him and that won't change either.

He's probably just as afraid of loosing you as you are of loosing him, but understand, what he did took a degree of courage and bravery, all be it drunk, that some men never find in a life time.

When I was younger and was in a similar situation, I chose to destroy the friendship with my best mate, as having him walk away from me hating me for something I did was easier to bare than to have him walk away from me for who I was. I miss him still to this day.

Good luck mate, be strong, be kind, be the friend you've always been.

I can't tell you how much it hurts if you loose a mate that close.
 

Countryguy63

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And I can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing that there are people like you out there!!

Your buddy needs to know how extremely lucky he is!!

Now that he is confronting his sexuality, he is going to need support and sometimes even help from everyone, but at times from those who have been where he is. I know this is a "Hey, look at my cock" site, but it also has some of the most supportive and caring people on it that I have experienced.

Seriously, have you thought about telling him about us, and inviting him here?

How about a cyber handshake for you from me :wink:
 

amygdala

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Well guys I'm just off the phone with him.

We had a bit of a laugh about the whole thing, but accepted that it's happened and it's real. He knows it's not gonna go any further and must accept that, but he seems more relieved that it's out in the open and I'm not pissed.

We couldn't chat for long, but we're gonna hang out when he's home on Friday, just as we usually would.

Your friend is extremely lucky to have you in his life. Is it any wonder he has feelings for you? I'm so glad that he seems to be coming to terms with all that's happened in the past couple of days and, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb here in saying that it's largely, if not entirely, due to your support and continued friendship. You should be proud of yourself. :)
 
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I'm glad it all seems apparently worked out. It may be awkward for a bit after, but that will iron itself out soon enough.

As others have said, it would be great to have you as a real friend guy.

I truly admire how you handled the ENTIRE matter.
 

jerryhall

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Your friend is extremely lucky to have you in his life. Is it any wonder he has feelings for you? I'm so glad that he seems to be coming to terms with all that's happened in the past couple of days and, I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb here in saying that it's largely, if not entirely, due to your support and continued friendship. You should be proud of yourself. :)

Ditto!
 

cyto43

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Well guys I'm just off the phone with him.

We had a bit of a laugh about the whole thing, but accepted that it's happened and it's real. He knows it's not gonna go any further and must accept that, but he seems more relieved that it's out in the open and I'm not pissed.

We couldn't chat for long, but we're gonna hang out when he's home on Friday, just as we usually would.
I think you handled this in such a positive way, and applaud you!

The very same thing happened to me during college--only I was the one who had feelings for my best friend. It tore me apart for years, and the best thing we ever did was to talk about it. I knew the feelings were not reciprocal, but we both didn't want our friendship to suffer. Fast-forward 13 or so years, and we're still great friends. It was the best thing we ever did. :smile:
He's really lucky to have you as a friend!
 
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I hope you can relax about this... let it go... and keep in mind what you love about your friend.

I went through this with my "best friend"... a wonderful guy, that I simply had no attraction to sexually.

What I love about him is what is between his ears, not between his legs. He is an amazingly talented, creative man and friend.

I absolutely, unconditionally, unforgettably love him, like a brother... but, I'm not interested, sexually.

So... What "nice" thing can we say to someone that is sexually attracted to us, when we aren't? Saying anything about a lack of attraction can totally kill the greatest of friendships.

Grrrrrr!...

When what the right thing to do, is to just tell the truth, and say: "I love you, dude... but I don't wanna do you."... it's a tough and uncomfortable situation... but, we gotta be honest for ourselves, and them.

I finally got the nerve to say so... It was weird for our friendship for awhile, but, it worked out.

We are still best buds!

:) Onan
 
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YBNB

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Just read all the new posts and wanna say thanks to all you guys :D

Top advice, and you're making me feel good about my decision! ha. I told my brother and my dad what happened and they're both extremely weirded out by the whole thing, and the manner in which I'm handling it. Ah, well.

Ryan's still staying with his ex Gf in Edinburgh until Friday. They are done, as I mentioned, but they want to iron things out on their terms, work out where they stand with each other. She still seems pretty upset and has called me a couple of times. I will talk to her, but I have a feeling she resents me somehow.

Ryan I have chatted on the phone like we usually do. Talked for about 40 minutes today, just about complete bollocks really :D Tv, movies. Talked about Wall.E for most of the call. I told him I still love him like a brother, and we even had a wee joke about it at the end of the call. When I said 'are we still on for a few pints this weekend?' he said 'of course. and I promise I won't bum you.' :D I knew he'd use humour to help him.

As things stand, he's still my best friend. Truth be told, I miss the guy, he's been away a week now I think. We even joked about heading to a Gay bar once he's home [now that he's 'out'] which I wouldn't be opposed to!
 

Stan Beyermann

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I bet it was a mighty weight off his mind.

As most of the posts have already said, your mate is lucky to have you as a friend.
 

Ironlion45

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Just read all the new posts and wanna say thanks to all you guys :D

Top advice, and you're making me feel good about my decision! ha. I told my brother and my dad what happened and they're both extremely weirded out by the whole thing, and the manner in which I'm handling it. Ah, well.

Ryan's still staying with his ex Gf in Edinburgh until Friday. They are done, as I mentioned, but they want to iron things out on their terms, work out where they stand with each other. She still seems pretty upset and has called me a couple of times. I will talk to her, but I have a feeling she resents me somehow.

Ryan I have chatted on the phone like we usually do. Talked for about 40 minutes today, just about complete bollocks really :D Tv, movies. Talked about Wall.E for most of the call. I told him I still love him like a brother, and we even had a wee joke about it at the end of the call. When I said 'are we still on for a few pints this weekend?' he said 'of course. and I promise I won't bum you.' :D I knew he'd use humour to help him.

As things stand, he's still my best friend. Truth be told, I miss the guy, he's been away a week now I think. We even joked about heading to a Gay bar once he's home [now that he's 'out'] which I wouldn't be opposed to!

You're a really good and understanding friend.

Just, do him a favour and be extremely careful not to lead him on in anyway, he may intellectually understand what he said, but flames like the one he's been carrying for years don't die easily, and he'll still have a piece inside him that wishes, hopes, wants you to not be straight.

That said, You're a good friend to him, he's really lucky. It could have gone very badly for him.
 

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Reading this thread reminds me of an audiobook that I just finished. It's called &#8220;One Mississippi.&#8221; It's very funny and very tragic and sad in many ways. Hope someone picks it up for a good listen.