Relationship with my parents going bad.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Hammond Happydipper, Dec 2, 2010.

  1. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    Let me just start off That there is no mother/son bond at all , that token was won over by my grandma. My mom was jealous of that, so she dump me on to my grandma when I was 8 . Aways when I was 13 my mom wanted me to move up to Palmdale with her (I was forced to). That's when I started having my issues . That's when my grades starting slipping A's and B's(a C here and there) to C's and D"s, once I got into high school All F's. When she past away in 05 I just Isolated my self from 17 to 21-1/2.

    I am not worrying about school right now as I registered at the Community College in WA for a 2Year Associate's Combo Degree.So no matter what I am going to WA.
    The fact comes down to whether or not I'll visit.

    Just before I turned 22 I decided to start dealing with my issues. few months ago I asked her why she dump me onto my grandma and wanted me back. But all I got was excuses such as "Not right we'll talk about it later. "
    3 months ago I also told her that I was going to move to my brothers place in WA . right now my mom is trying to put some kind of guilt trip on me, but I am not falling for it.


    How can I get her to talk about it?
     
    #1 D_Hammond Happydipper, Dec 2, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2010
  2. dangly

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    To be completely honest, you can't make her talk about it -- she will have to make the decision as to when she is ready to talk and when you are ready to understand. It may be next week or it may be ten years from now. Be patient and worry about yourself for the time being; the rest will fall into place when it's the right time to do so.
     
  3. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    You will get closer to the truth about your mother's decision by assessing several sources of information. Even if she had a conversation with you, you could never be sure how truthful she was being.

    It's good to be indepedent of her emotionally and financialy as possible. Then that means every threat she makes, you can say, ok, see ya later.
     
  4. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    Even if I got decent answer I would be satisfied.
     
  5. dickman45885

    dickman45885 New Member

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    She will not give you a "decent" answer. She will, most likely, give you a contrived answer made to look herself look good, and place blame on others.
     
  6. nudeyorker

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    It sounds like you both have a lifetime of personal issues and secrets that you are keeping from one another. You can't expect anything to change or resolve itself by avoiding it or moving away. Your mother may be keeping something from you that she is afraid of sharing. She may also be afraid to hear that you don't love her.
    The best advice I could possibly give you is to write her a letter without any accusations or guilt, but tell her your feelings and you would like to start resolving the issues you have with one another. There are likely so many things that you don't know about her decisions as she is unaware of how those decisions effected you.
    If you both can find at least some common ground to reach out to each other I'm sure you can start the healing process once you can find a way to break the silence with each other.
     
  7. hsarge

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    Family is an accident of nature; live you life. Just remember your experience when you raise your own children.
     
  8. yhtang

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    I fear you may be hoping to hear what you desire to hear from your mother, which may not be what that comes out from her.

    As others have said, the best thing to do is just to be independent and live your life well. When your mother is ready to tell you her version of the event,s she will. Maybe not now, but sometime in the future she might. Then you assess for yourself how much truth there is in her version.

    I am not saying your mother will be deliberately lying to you - just that her perception of the events may be quite different from what you had experienced. If you have other older relatives, maybe they could give you their take on it.

    However, I feel your financial independence is of paramount importance at this moment. I hope you would be able to put aside your feelings on the situation to concentrate on building your future.

    If you do not like your mother, I suppose the best revenge is to do well despite all adversities.

    I hope all goes well with you. May you find peace in your life.
     
  9. tgirlsrgreat

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    i'm willing to get blasted, here goes

    it is common practice in today's pop psychology to blame everything on the parents. get over it! she probably had a lot of shit to deal with too. you seem to be making great strides, so focus on that! her shit, is not your shit! get on with your life and as soon as you can, don't look to blame anyone.

    i wish you all the best and be sure and enroll in some quality english classes, good grammar will carry you further than you can imagine. it means the world in job interviews and a good resume!
     
  10. Brick7

    Brick7 Active Member

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    You can't make her talk about it if she doesn't want to talk about it. Can you live with that? What if you have to? What if she nevers tells you the reason?
    The best thing you can do is look for your own answers from within you (afterall, you were the one who got the bad grades...no one else made you do that...you did that on your own).
    You deserve your own happiness...you know it won't come from any external source (As if the answer she could give you would make your life better. It won't.).
    Make your move to your brother's place. Make peace with your past. Sure, you have regrets about your past choices (and hers)...but there's nothing you can do about those choices except learn from them. Then let it go and get on with your life.
     
  11. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    It's not that easy, it's very complicated.

    I was dealing with a bunch of stuff
     
  12. erratic

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    Though this may not be music to your ears, OP, misc is exactly right.

    Trust me on this. I don't know your mom, but I know situations like this very, very well. You're SOL until she wants to talk about it - though you can always ask other family members, or friends of the family what their take on it all was.
     
  13. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    At 22, you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother obviously has her own problems and it's probably best for you to leave her to them and figure out who you are and what you want your life to be. I would encourage you to just try and find some forgiveness her for any and all faults you think she has or wrongs she has done to you. You only have one mother and making yourself ill over this can carry into your life for years and cause some serious problems. It's not your fault but hers. If you try spend your life being angry/resentful, it will be a miserable one I think.

    People make choices everyday that they are not proud of or do not wish to relive. Whatever her faults, you Are now an adult and can take charge of your own life. Best wishes
     
  14. helgaleena

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    This is the best and solidest answer you have received so far. You have no idea what sort of stuff she was dealing with because you have never been in her shoes and stated right from the start that you never want to be, even in your imagination. Parents can force children to do things, but you are not a child and neither is she. Guilt trips by her or guilt trips by you will not work on each other so go live the life you choose and let her live with herself.
     
  15. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    If what you say is true, then I wish society would stop trying to tell us how special the parent child relationship is. I wish I had disassociated from my parents a long time ago.
     
  16. helgaleena

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    CC, you have written about how manipulative and judgmental you find your own parents, so this does not surprise me. However, we cannot change who our parents are after the fact. Only how we make do with what circumstance we are in is up to us.
     
  17. jump_start

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    Me too. I wouldn't be nearly as fucked up today as I am if I had.
     
  18. hoolz

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    Have you thought about getting joint counseling from a psychologist? That would give you both a neutral place to discuss the issue. If you are serious about getting a decent answer joint counseling is your best bet, sometimes you need help confronting your issues and a psychologist will provide that
     
  19. haulthat

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    I've got 2 older sisters and a mother. I would like to suggest a chick flick. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002) - IMDb . Sad but memorable. Its like... women and mothers are fucked in the head(perception of the movie, not a sweeping generalization ladies), sometimes you would rather not know. Sometimes its better to move forward than to look back, if you cant do that don't expect it to be easy. She may never be comfortable with explaining her reasoning. The past cant change, and the hold it has on our future exists in our minds and rests in our hands. I hope you get along with your mom moving forward, so long as she isn't a bad person in your life right now.

     
  20. mako shark

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    My daughter gets dis-owned by my ex wife every other week it seems. She is almost 23 and the best kid I know (works full time and is graduating college in two weeks). What I tell people is that you can never pick you MOTHER (that just takes a uterus and a sperm donor) but you can ALWAYS pick your MOM...
    Before I piss off the lpsg women...the same can be said about picking you dad just substitute the uterus for a penis!!
     
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