Relationships - what you need to know and what you don't need to know.

[Drifterwood]

This issue is really getting to me at the moment - so I hope that I can ask your views in a clear fashion even though so many thoughts are whizzing round my little head.

I am struggling with what seems to be a very reasonable assertion that if a relationship is going to work, you need to be completely open, have no secrets etc etc..

Personally I struggle with this, both perhaps because I don't want to and because I can see reasons why you shouldn't, though I won't deny that I may be rationalising my stubbornness.

I know it doesn't happen over night, but do you expect that in a successful relationship, you will reach a point of total and ongoing openness with your partner?

Would you accept a partner who wanted to keep certain things to themselves?

Would you expect a partner to accept that you liked to keep certain things to yourself?

Before you give me the immediate "You should always be open", please consider this. I was always advised to leave a woman's fantasies to herself if they were indeed just fantasies, and secondly, we read here constantly, "don't ask about previous lovers".

Especially in the case of the latter, you can make a judgement on the part of your partner, that they either don't need to know or wouldn't deal with it. So why can't there be other instances like this?

 

[HyperHulk]

I personally don't feel you need to share everything. I find I get quite resentful if I'm expected to share all my thoughts about everything. I like my independence and I like my secrets. I really hate talking about past sexual experiences because it always seems to come back and bite me on my ass.

However, I do feel some things should be communicated, especially stuff we agree should be communicated, whatever that is. I also want to know if the person I'm seeing is going somewhere or won't be home for awhile. Not because I need to keep track, I just don't want to worry that something bad has happened. The only other thing that drives me nuts is when a partner discusses an issue with a friend about me, that they won't talk to me about.

I won't keep anything from a partner that would cause them harm and I hope vice versa. Otherwise people need their space.

 

[The Dragon]

For me there will always be things I WILL NEVER tell a Lover.
When he is impressed with my skill and asks "Who did you learn that from?"
the question will always be deflected.
Complete openess is poison to relationships.
And only a fool is an open book about past lovers.

 

[HyperHulk]

I'll never answer, how many people have you slept with? There is no way you can answer that question and not get into trouble.

 

[alex8.5]

I beleive in openess, I also beleive people are allowed their thougths and memories to be private unless they feel they want to share.

I won't lie to my B/F about something, but if he asks a questions that I feel is really none of his concern, I'll tell him I'd rather not talk about that. We respect each other enough to understand that. After 15 years we'd better.

I will not discuss past lovers, penis size, or performances. I will not reveal things that have been told to me in confidence by a mutual friend. Nor will I reveal something my B/F has told me in confidence to someone else.

To me, it comes down to total respect for one another. After a while you know your SO better, if they are uncomfortable talking about some things or don't like divulging information, then don't go there until they are ready. Trust me when I say, at some point they will talk about some things. I was with my B/F 6 years before I openned up about some things that had hapenned in my life. He showed me how to trust again. What a gift that was..

 

[bigtree123]

There are things to be kept secret and things to be shared with the one you arte with, either it be your girlfriend and your wife. For me I believe sometimes in openness. Openness make you feel relieved and quite? happy for the moment that secrets are wanting in your relationships.

However, there are times that openness destroys one's relationshiups as openness creates misunderstanding and both parties maytake poinbts different from the other.

Wbhat do you say. Be silent and let sometimes open your feelings.

 

[marleyisalegend]

my personal belief is you don't have to share every little secret. my only rule in relationships is don't do anything behind my back that you wouldn't do in front of my face

 

[AlteredEgo]

Nah. I don't think you need to share every little nano-detail. I agree with you, Drifterwood, as well as other posters who recognize a need for privacy within a relationship. However, like any other aspect of a relationship I do feel that there are boundaries, and when possible they should be clearly defined.

 

[marleyisalegend]

like any other aspect of a relationship I do feel that there are boundaries, and when possible they should be clearly defined.

brilliant. i think the best we can do in any relationship is state the level of committment we expect along with any other expectations and hope that those desires are met. there might be some secrets that, if you knew, wouldn't even bother you or change your mind. at the same time, depending on how committed you are to your mate, there may be secrets you dont want to know (he is a man after all)

 

[Corius]

There are certain things that are and should remain out of reach for other persons. What has happened sexually between two consenting adults is personal and private. Except as relates to disease a new partner is not one to discuss one's past love life with. Those who draw comparisons between a present partner and a former partner and communicate that to a present or former partner are making a big mistake and are asking for trouble in my view.

My wife has no need to know about my sexual past; nor do I have a need to know about hers. We are free to draw our own conclusions but we ought to keep them to ourselves. Personally, I like the aura of mystery which is preserved when two people in love concentrate on the present and leave the past behind.

My first partner, a teen like myself, could know that I was a "beginner" and I had no doubt that he was pretty new at sex also. We learned a lot together, experience which we took into our relationships that followed. And, no one was hurt.

 

[Gab_Stone]

There is a very large margin of variation for the answer to this. Some people are very honest and accepting of their world, themselves, and others. Some are not. I beleive with some people a relationship has to be gaurded from too much personal truth issues. And some can be much more open to truth and be succesfull. It comes down to the partner with the lowest margin of acceptability of truthfull situations. They set the bar for the reality of the relationship. People build their views and beleifs, and therefore margins of acceptance, on the basist perceivable relation between them and the reality they inhabit. Some of us perceive different levels than others. It's a given. Each is individual. What you need to access and identify is they level of relation that both you and the other party have to the world around and within you, and to each other. If one has a level of relation more geared towards acceptance of say, situations they feel they have more control over, but do not have a strong relation to the basist truth, then they will require more of the personal interactions between the two partners to be ones based on the level of perceived control that partner has, to make them feel more stable and comfortable. Regardless of the truth or reality of the situation. So if the other person wants more personal privacy or doesn't want as much "truth" to be leaked, then they are the ones responsible for setting the standard of interactions. If one insists on a high level of truth and acceptance, but the other does not, then the foundation will become unstable and the relationship will most likely fail. Or simply evolve into one not based on intimacy. Of course, even if the level of truth and acceptance is at equilibrium, there are still a multitude of other factors that will determine the final success of the relationship.

Maybe that was a bit long winded, but I think I gave example of my opinion fairly well. Hope it helps!

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

Everyone deserves their privacy over certain issues and I respect that. I also respect that trust grows in a long term relationship, and what someone may not be able to discuss with me 1 or 2 years into a relationship, they may be 10 or 20 years (if we're lucky).

I am OK with not knowing everything immediately, or if too traumatic, ever.

 

[Principessa]

*SNIP*​

Personally I struggle with this, both perhaps because I don't want to and because I can see reasons why you shouldn't, though I won't deny that I may be rationalising my stubbornness.

I know I sometimes sound prudish and holier-than-thou in my posts; but I sincerely believe you can have a very healthy and happy relationship without being 100% open about everything you do or have done. ​

​

It's a relationship for criminys sake, not a school board meeting! :tongue: Full disclosure and 'Sunshine Laws' do not apply. Would I want to know if he had an STD? Of course. Do I need to know that he cheated on his college girlfriend? No. ​

I know it doesn't happen over night, but do you expect that in a successful relationship, you will reach a point of total and ongoing openness with your partner?

I don't know. It hasn't happend to me yet. I think it's sort of like reaching catharsis. Once there you die, so any bliss you may experience is fleeting.

Would you accept a partner who wanted to keep certain things to themselves?

Yes, as long as it wasn't something like him being a convicted murderer or something like that.

Would you expect a partner to accept that you liked to keep certain things to yourself?

Of course! If he get's to have secrets then so do I.

Before you give me the immediate "You should always be open", please consider this. I was always advised to leave a woman's fantasies to herself if they were indeed just fantasies, and secondly, we read here constantly, "don't ask about previous lovers".

Especially in the case of the latter, you can make a judgement on the part of your partner, that they either don't need to know or wouldn't deal with it. So why can't there be other instances like this?
Hmm, perhaps I believe in only 95% openness.

For me there will always be things I WILL NEVER tell a Lover. When he is impressed with my skill and asks "Who did you learn that from?" The question will always be deflected. Complete openess is poison to relationships. And only a fool is an open book about past lovers.

Girlfriend, you said a mouthful! I completely agree.

 

[Jovial]

I want total openness. I don't like to have secrets. I like being able to tell someone everything about myself and my past and any fantasies I have. Before I sleep with someone I ask myself "would I be willing to tell a future partner about her?" Any mistakes I've made in the past I can admit to and have learned from, so I have to reason to not be open about them.

I'd love to be able to share fantasies, even about other people with my partner. I think that would be the ultimate test. If I could accept her fantasies and she could accept mine and we could be open about it, that would be great. I know most people couldn't handle this. I guess they would both have to be confident in themselves and truly love each other.

 

[Principessa]

I don't like to keep secrets from a loved one either, but I do believe that there are some things better left unsaid.

Many a marriage has been ruined because a cheating spouse felt they had to be honest to clear their own conscience. They get a clear conscience and the spouse has to deal with the fall out. :12: That's not right. Some transgressions, sins, mistakes or whatever you want to call them should be shared only with you and your God.

I want total openness. I don't like to have secrets. I like being able to tell someone everything about myself and my past and any fantasies I have. Before I sleep with someone I ask myself "would I be willing to tell a future partner about her?"

That's what you ask yourself?

Any mistakes I've made in the past I can admit to and have learned from, so I have to reason to not be open about them.[/QUOTE

] I thought that too until one man repeatedly used the info against me. :frown1: He just couldn't let it rest.

I'd love to be able to share fantasies, even about other people with my partner. I think that would be the ultimate test. If I could accept her fantasies and she could accept mine and we could be open about it, that would be great.

I would expect that in a long-term intimate relationship we would be able to share fantasies. I would not however want to know if he had a fantasy about one of my girlfriends or a family member.

I know most people couldn't handle this. I guess they would both have to be confident in themselves and truly love each other.[/quote]
What about the password to your computer or the PIN# to your ATM card would you be comfortable sharing that information?

 

[RamIt]

I fucking hate when women talk about their past sexual experiences. I dont want to hear you talk about what a whore you were on spring break, and Im not going to talk about what Ive done. You may have been tag teamed in a hotel by a bunch of drunken frat boys, and loved it, but if you tell me that shit, Ill never respect you or sleep with you again. And dont ask me how many women Ive been with, cause Im not going to tell you. Its a sophomoric question that doesnt warrant a response. Im not going to ask a women how many dudes she has been with, because Ill think its a lie even if she is honest.

Ignorance is bliss.

 

[walla99]

I always say I'm honest and I expect honesty in return...and for the most part, that is true. I don't like secrets either. However, I agree that 100% does not need to be shared, especially sexual details of my past. In more general term is Ok. He doesn't need to know how many partners I've had, he just needs to know I have experience. I don't really want to know about personal things he did with someone else. Just makes me ill. I'd like to share some fantasies, it's nice to have have that shared, but I don't think I'd want to share every fantasy...not sure he could handle it. If asked directly though, I'll tell (again except the number thing, I'd try to get around that although I did reveal to one boyfriend once.) I think it's important we discuss std status, birth control, and for me I share I've acted on fantasies of being with other women. Most guys can handle that, but some do have an issue with it.

Don't lie to me though, I won't lie to you. if I find out, the trust is gone. Better to say, "I'd rather not share the details of that with you."

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Drifterwood

There is one thing you can be certain of people who say they are entirely open and honest with their partner.

They are lying.

I believe that you should be honest with your partner to the limits of their actual interest.


That is... if they openly ask you about something... you owe them an honest response.
If they don't ask... there is a good chance they do not want to know....

But there will always be things about yourself that you hold in reserve.
And the same is true of them.

An additional consideration is that people are often dishonest with themselves.

We tell ourselves all kinds of rationalizations for our actions... and many of them become ensconced in our minds as the truth...

Even in being honest... we are often merely sharing our own spin on our actions... a spin we concocted in order to live within our own skin.


You owe your mate the things that belong to her/him.

Infidelity has nothing to do with sex, specifically... it includes anything you offer to another, that rightfully is promised to your mate.

But my intellectuial and spritual freedom... my individuality, does not belong to my mate.

They are mine as hers are hers.

I spout a lot about how loss of respect for your mate leads to failures of relationships....


Part of truly respecting your mate is respecting their boundaries...

And a good mate does the same for you.


Be scrupulously honest about what you are promising. And keep those promises as best you can.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

I will tell a partner anything except that an ex was better :wink: Thats just asking for trouble. But also at the same time if he doesn't ask then i wont offer information. Vice Versa

 

[HazelGod]

This issue is really getting to me at the moment - so I hope that I can ask your views in a clear fashion even though so many thoughts are whizzing round my little head.


Would you accept a partner who wanted to keep certain things to themselves?

Would you expect a partner to accept that you liked to keep certain things to yourself?

Drifter, I think I responded to something similar a day or so back...but it's worked for me, so it bears repeating.

My answer to both your questions is a resounding yes. I believe it's foolish to think that any two people could ever be the end-all-be-all for each other. Despite the "ideal" of marriage, commitment, whatever...people still are separate beings, and that means parts entirely unto themselves.

That's how it is with me, and I expect it's the same with most any person...at least any that I'd care to become involved with. There is me...there is her...and there is us. Two overlapping spheres...some areas shared, others entirely distinct.

The big question for any relationship then is obvious: where are the boundaries of that overlap? What is common ground, and what is private? That's a discussion only you and your mate can have...and should have, anytime either of you feels the need, because that region of shared space can be fluid, just as we ourselves can be.