Relationships With Gay Men - Do They Work Out For You?

dreambridger

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Just feeling curious about this today. Most bisexual men I know (and, frankly, ones that I've slept with) have female partners but gratify themselves with men outside of their relationships. Honestly I don't think I've ever seen it the other way around.

Do you prefer steady relationships with women, or have you ever had a steady relationship with a man and specifically a gay man who's not into women? If you have, how has that worked out for you? Did your gay partner have inferiority issues regarding the fact you can love a woman but he can't, or did *you* at all look down on him for this reason? If you slept with women outside of the relationship, were the women able to respect the fact you were in a serious relationship with a gay man? Is there any hope for the gay man who has a crush on you (lol)? I don't know, these are just a bunch of random speculative questions, I'm just curious if you've had a relationship with a gay man and how it went, or if you haven't had a relationship like that, if you'd still consider it?
 
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RainbowStrength

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Just feeling curious about this today. Most bisexual men I know (and, frankly, ones that I've slept with) have female partners but gratify themselves with men outside of their relationships. Honestly I don't think I've ever seen it the other way around.

Do you prefer steady relationships with women, or have you ever had a steady relationship with a man and specifically a gay man who's not into women? If you have, how has that worked out for you? Did your gay partner have inferiority issues regarding the fact you can love a woman but he can't, or did *you* at all look down on him for this reason? If you slept with women outside of the relationship, were the women able to respect the fact you were in a serious relationship with a gay man? Is there any hope for the gay man who has a crush on you (lol)? I don't know, these are just a bunch of random speculative questions, I'm just curious if you've had a relationship with a gay man and how it went, or if you haven't had a relationship like that, if you'd still consider it?
As a polyamorous gay man whose primary partner is bisexual, I can help answer one or two of your questions.

No, I don't have "inferiority issues" because my partner is attracted to women and am interested to hear more about your concern in that regard. I lack any sort of romantic or sexual attraction to women, and I don't believe that there is anything inferior about that. We are all born with different tastes in the people we are attracted to. I do envy bi guys for having the whole world as their oyster in terms of their attraction, but that's more of a personal joke for me than a legitimate point of jealousy.

As someone who's been chased after by other polyamorous bisexual men with female partners in the past, I can also assure you that there is hope for gay men. Generally speaking from my experience, bisexual men have slightly different tastes in who they're attracted to, how they approach relationships, and how they interact with other guys when compared to gay men.

The only thing uncomfortable for me as a gay man in a relationship with someone who is a bisexual is that, like straight men, many bi guys like to talk about their attraction to boobs and other feminine features. The only reason that's uncomfortable is because I can't contribute anything to the conversation and kind of just sit there nodding along and going with the flow, lol.

The biggest issue regarding bi men is that some women will see them as a "lesser man" for being bi, and some gay guys will see them as a sort of confused homosexual who just needs to pick a side and treat them as pariahs because of that. If you’re their partner, you have to be aware of that treatment because people will sometimes include you in their attacks because of your relationship to them.

Hopefully, that demystifies at least a couple of your concerns.
 

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Of course there's hope. I dated a gay man for almost a whole year. I was 21 years old, unfortunately, he kept waiting for me to be 100% fully committed gay and out. Uh, yeah...that wasn't gonna happen. But I loved him and was grateful to be part of his life for a short time.
 

dreambridger

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As a polyamorous gay man whose primary partner is bisexual, I can help answer one or two of your questions.

No, I don't have "inferiority issues" because my partner is attracted to women and am interested to hear more about your concern in that regard. I lack any sort of romantic or sexual attraction to women, and I don't believe that there is anything inferior about that. We are all born with different tastes in the people we are attracted to. I do envy bi guys for having the whole world as their oyster in terms of their attraction, but that's more of a personal joke for me than a legitimate point of jealousy.

As someone who's been chased after by other polyamorous bisexual men with female partners in the past, I can also assure you that there is hope for gay men. Generally speaking from my experience, bisexual men have slightly different tastes in who they're attracted to, how they approach relationships, and how they interact with other guys when compared to gay men.

The only thing uncomfortable for me as a gay man in a relationship with someone who is a bisexual is that, like straight men, many bi guys like to talk about their attraction to boobs and other feminine features. The only reason that's uncomfortable is because I can't contribute anything to the conversation and kind of just sit there nodding along and going with the flow, lol.

The biggest issue regarding bi men is that some women will see them as a "lesser man" for being bi, and some gay guys will see them as a sort of confused homosexual who just needs to pick a side and treat them as pariahs because of that. If you’re their partner, you have to be aware of that treatment because people will sometimes include you in their attacks because of your relationship to them.

Hopefully, that demystifies at least a couple of your concerns.

Thanks for the awesome and thorough answer.

I suppose the inferiority issues I meant are directed towards gay men that still struggle with internalized homophobia or whatever, which you clearly don't and that's pretty admirable. A lot of gay men still have trouble accepting themselves even in adulthood; bi men still capable of bedding a woman might reflect a gay men's issues with themselves. I certainly still struggle with it sometimes and have been struggling more with it as I age. I hope you can have a little compassion for that because your self-acceptance might be more rare than you realize.

I'd agree the biggest issue seems to be how women see it. for the past six months or so I've only slept with closeted bi men because that's all I can find in my area. and while I've enjoyed these bi men sexually, their need to keep themselves a secret from their female partners started getting depressing to me. There was even one guy who obviously wanted male affection, he'd want to hold my hand and cuddle and make out and everything, but then I reflexively nodded at him at the grocery store the other day and he clearly avoided eye contact -- there was nobody else even in the isle and we live in a friendly town where people nod at each other -- but I guess I was breaking the unwritten DL "code" by nodding at him.... it's moments like that that make me hate being gay sometimes.

but it did open my mind to how much unspoken homophobia some women can have. They may say they're gay-supportive but would never in a million years let a man who touched another man touch them.

I almost forgot about the "choose-a-side" attitude because it's been so long since I've encountered that. Maybe that's regional thing. i see you live in St. Louis, which is where I grew up, though I moved to the west coast 8 years ago. I remember in college that "choose-a-side" attitude coming from especially the trendy scene-setting Tower Grove lesbians which was an attitude I couldn't stand especially since I identified as bisexual back then.... anyway that attitude appears to be completely absent anywhere I've been on the west coast.
 
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Of course there's hope. I dated a gay man for almost a whole year. I was 21 years old, unfortunately, he kept waiting for me to be 100% fully committed gay and out. Uh, yeah...that wasn't gonna happen. But I loved him and was grateful to be part of his life for a short time.

Very similar experience here in my early 20's. I cared about him a lot and the sex was great. After a while I realized that it felt in my heart more like a FWB situation. The relationship lacked the emotional depth that would lead me to take it more seriously. Turned out that I needed a girl for that
 

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Thanks for the awesome and thorough answer.

I suppose the inferiority issues I meant are directed towards gay men that still struggle with internalized homophobia or whatever, which you clearly don't and that's pretty admirable. A lot of gay men still have trouble accepting themselves even in adulthood; bi men still capable of bedding a woman might reflect a gay men's issues with themselves. I certainly still struggle with it sometimes and have been struggling more with it as I age. I hope you can have a little compassion for that because your self-acceptance might be more rare than you realize.

I'd agree the biggest issue seems to be how women see it. for the past six months or so I've only slept with closeted bi men because that's all I can find in my area. and while I've enjoyed these bi men sexually, their need to keep themselves a secret from their female partners started getting depressing to me. There was even one guy who obviously wanted male affection, he'd want to hold my hand and cuddle and make out and everything, but then I reflexively nodded at him at the grocery store the other day and he clearly avoided eye contact -- there was nobody else even in the isle and we live in a friendly town where people nod at each other -- but I guess I was breaking the unwritten DL "code" by nodding at him.... it's moments like that that make me hate being gay sometimes.

but it did open my mind to how much unspoken homophobia some women can have. They may say they're gay-supportive but would never in a million years let a man who touched another man touch them.

I almost forgot about the "choose-a-side" attitude because it's been so long since I've encountered that. Maybe that's regional thing. i see you live in St. Louis, which is where I grew up, though I moved to the west coast 8 years ago. I remember in college that "choose-a-side" attitude coming from especially the trendy scene-setting Tower Grove lesbians which was an attitude I couldn't stand especially since I identified as bisexual back then.... anyway that attitude appears to be completely absent anywhere I've been on the west coast.
I 100 percent have compassion for that and apologize if my reply came off a bit too passive aggresi
 

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I 100 percent have compassion for that and apologize if my reply came off a bit too passive aggresi

Sorry, hit reply before I was done typing ...

I 100 percent have compassion for that and apologize if my reply came off a bit too passive aggressive. I think our differences with the struggle for self-acceptance may be less to do with it being a rarity and more to do with generational/age differences. With people around my age (22 y/o), it's pretty much the norm, and I think many people in that age group including myself take it for granted that we grew up in a world where acceptance was so readily accessible.

It's so sad how some women will fetishize gay culture and still treat bi men that way. I've noticed a pretty huge trend of both men and women who are all on board with gay equality until it actually becomes someone or something in their personal life. Then, their true homophobia shows through. It's really sad, and in my opinion, society is due for an awakening in that regard.

Also, that's comforting to know that there is at least one place where that mindset is not so prevalent. I know that the "choose a side" mentality is present throughout most of the Midwest and parts of the East Coast. It's just sad and uniformed. Sexuality is 100 percent a spectrum, and it's a shame neither straight people nor gay people can accept that.
 
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Sorry, hit reply before I was done typing ...

I 100 percent have compassion for that and apologize if my reply came off a bit too passive aggressive. I think our differences with the struggle for self-acceptance may be less to do with it being a rarity and more to do with generational/age differences. With people around my age (22 y/o), it's pretty much the norm, and I think many people in that age group including myself take it for granted that we grew up in a world where acceptance was so readily accessible.

It's so sad how some women will fetishize gay culture and still treat bi men that way. I've noticed a pretty huge trend of both men and women who are all on board with gay equality until it actually becomes someone or something in their personal life. Then, their true homophobia shows through. It's really sad, and in my opinion, society is due for an awakening in that regard.

Also, that's comforting to know that there is at least one place where that mindset is not so prevalent. I know that the "choose a side" mentality is present throughout most of the Midwest and parts of the East Coast. It's just sad and uniformed. Sexuality is 100 percent a spectrum, and it's a shame neither straight people nor gay people can accept that.
Cool, I didn't know you were that young; the way you write comes off as pretty mature and grown-up. I'm only ten years older than you, but there was definitely a pretty sudden change in the social mindset even in that small difference in time. I've often joked about how it became cool and trendy to be gay exactly two years after I left high school. My childhood and adolescence was definitely during an era where "gay" was a common colloquial term for "uncool" or "gross" and "fag" was a common colloquial term for "bad person". I'm pretty thrilled about how cool with homosexuality and accepting Gen Z is. and I didn't intend any passive aggressiveness either, and thanks for clarifying that you didn't. I've learned that the ways I feel about myself might bleed over negatively into how i treat others that are like me; and I do worry about offending other gay people when I open up about how I can still feel like being gay is a curse sometimes when I'm feeling down. Of course that's just a lie that my depressive thinking tells me; I would never wish those kind of feelings on another person and I want people to be happy and to love themselves.

thanks again for a thoughtful response.
 

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I don't do exclusive relationships. Ladies and gents who want, need or demand that from me look elsewhere. :)