Repairing a broken friendship – more time or forget?

UK-Intrigued

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Hello all

Well, almost two years ago a very good friend and I had a disagreement. Prior to that we were good friends, helped each other with the problems in our lives, and occasionally enjoyed sexually intimate times.

Post-pandemic I gave him some work to do in my garden. He was self-employed and had started to recover his business after the lengthy covid lockdowns. He had previously done other work for me and was completed to a very good standard. Sadly, on this occasion it didn’t work out. I really wanted him to return and put things right but he declined and gave me a partial refund. He wouldn’t reply to any messages, blocked telephone numbers, and generally ‘ghosted’.

I sent birthday and Christmas cards but nothing in return. Just prior to Christmas this year I attempted to deliver a small gift. He opened his door, saw it was me, and promptly closed the door.

It’s sad and I know that I ought to get over it. I do think about him everyday and the friendship we had and enjoyed. I’m hurting and I am sure that he is too. If only we could meet and allow each of us to explain how we feel and reach for reconciliation.

So, do I give it more time and the space he needs or should I forget about him and move on?

Thanks for reading. Wishing you all the best for the New Year.
 

NakedBuddy

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I have been ghosted in the past by a couple of very close friends. In each case, the friend was dealing with some personal difficulties (professional setbacks) and were embarrassed by them. I tried repeatedly to reach out to ask if I did something to offend them, and I reached out through mutual friends - both to no avail. In both cases, they withdrew from most of their other friendships, as well - not just me. It’s possible that your friend‘s professional setbacks have been a factor, and maybe he feels embarrassed about having disappointed you. Whataver the cause, he has made it clear that he wishes no further contact. My advice is to move on. I say this for a couple of reasons. First, to respect his wishes. Second, though, if you have offended him, he has a responsibility to tell you what you have done to offend him. If he cannot do that now, it is highly likely that this behavior will repeat itself in the future. As difficult as it might be to be ghosted by someone that you once considered a good friend, you might be better off without him in your life given his continuing bad behavior.
 
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JD_002

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Been through similar experiences, I know it hurts a lot but it's probably best to move on, or you'll get yourself hurt even more trying to reconnect with someone who doesn't want to.
 

CUBE

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I think part of the hurt is that one realizes the friend had the capacity to toss it away so easily. In other words, did they value this friendship as much as I did?

I had this happen to me a few years back. I do work with the person on friendly terms but it will never be the same due to his lack of ownership. I agree with the others. It’s time to move on. I’m so sorry this happened to you .
 
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JD_002

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I think part of the hurt is that one realizes the friend had the capacity to toss it away so easily. In other words, did they value this friendship as much as I did?

I had this happen to me a few years back. I do work with the person on friendly terms but it will never be the same due to his lack of ownership. I agree with the others. It’s time to move on. I’m so sorry this happened to you .
If I get to work or study again with the friend whose actions broke my heart, I'm not giving him a second (or fourth actually) chance, I'd let him know I hate his guts, right there and then.
 
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UK-Intrigued

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Thank you all for your contributions. My takeaway from the comments is to move on and leave this 'friend' in the past. I can walk away knowing that I tried to resolve.
You never know, one day he may wish to reach out to me. I will have an open door always. I'm not expecting it, but if it were to happen that would be an unexpected benefit.
 

JD_002

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Thank you all for your contributions. My takeaway from the comments is to move on and leave this 'friend' in the past. I can walk away knowing that I tried to resolve.
You never know, one day he may wish to reach out to me. I will have an open door always. I'm not expecting it, but if it were to happen that would be an unexpected benefit.
I'd say close that door and board it, then put another wall of cement and bricks in front, cause if it happens again it's gonna hurt even more, I know that from experience.
 
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techpump

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I'll put it the way my therapist put it to me, and the reason I was seeing him was mostly due to friends of mine treating me like shit, stealing money from me openly, undercutting me, insulting me to my face, things like that. He said that if I'm putting more into the friendship than they are, then they might not really be my friend. If I'm more of a friend to them than they are to me, its not a healthy relationship that is reciprocal, reflexive, shared, and appreciated by both of us. I suddenly realized that these "friends" of mine were fair weather friends, and were mostly using me to get ahead in their lives and careers. They really only ever called when they needed me to do something for them, usually urgent, and I didn't really get thanks or appreciated for my deeds. I slowly stopped talking to them. I quit being the one that called, I waited for them to call. I quit writing emails. I stopped card sending. I was the always the last one to keep calling, texting, emailing, and mailing. Once they quit sending all forms of communication, I realized those people really were never my friends. Also, they are the ones who always told me who I needed to be friends with, why I needed to be friends with so and so, and they always told me how much they loved me.

The ones that love on you the most in these ways are narcissists. Not all people who love you are narcissists. But the ones who emphatically tell you they love you, like the world depends on their love for me, they are backstabbers. Happened to me more than I can count now. My dearest friends tell me they love me in different ways, in loving ways, in appreciated, reciprocal ways. They write me out of the blue, just as I do them. They still call, even just for a "hi" that's not needed.

OP think about these kinds of things in relation to your friends. A lot of people want to be friends in order to get something out of it. Other people are friends because they want real friendship, companionship, love, and respect.
 

techpump

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Never hire friends to work for you. The dynamics of the friendship change immediately when you become their boss/client.
I hate working for friends for this very reason. As soon as I work for "friend" they turn on me and then we aren't friends anymore. Half the time I think they just wanted me in that position so they could find a way to end the friendship; most of them were never really friends (see my previous post). Couldn't agree with you more.
 
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