Resolving Arguments

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by petite, May 20, 2010.

  1. petite

    petite New Member

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    I've noticed that the success of my romantic relationships and my friendships rely upon the ability of both of us to resolve our disputes. After it's all over, both of you have expressed how you feel, you've expressed that you don't want it to happen again in the future, what happens next?

    Do you hold grudges and refuse to forgive? Do you snub them for a while? What do you do when someone makes you mad but you don't want to ruin the relationship? Or do you not care? Screw the relationship, you got mad. It's over?

    How important are dispute resolving skills when it comes to relationships? What should people do when feelings get hurt? What do you do if someone hurt your feelings?

    What do you think? What gets in the way of resolving your disputes? What's the right way to handle them?
     
    #1 petite, May 20, 2010
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  2. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

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    Doesn't this question really depend on the nature of the relationship (i.e. spouse, parent, child, best friend, acquaintance, lover, fwb, friend of a friend...).
     
  3. petite

    petite New Member

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    You mean, it depends on if you have to continue dealing with that person, like a family member, or if you have the option of cutting that person out of your life, like a friend or a lover?

    I did specify a friend or a lover in the OP, but I don't mind if you wanted to compare how you'd treat them differently.
     
  4. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

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    I guess you did specify.

    So I'd stick to the two you mentioned and ask if you treat your friends like you do your romantic relationships?

    There are different degrees of friendship and of romantic relationships. I'd keep a grudge with a lesser friend if I was looking for a reason to stop interacting with them. Sometimes you don't pick your friends because circumstances pick them for you. You can't really do anything about the fates, but if dealt an excuse to end things people take them.

    Romantic relationships should probably always get fixed even after splitting up. That would be a kharma thing :0)
     
  5. petite

    petite New Member

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    I don't think I resolve the disputes differently with my friends or my lovers. Do you?

    I tend to be very forgiving after an argument is resolved. I usually seek to re-establish a good relationship again, but I may be different from other people.

    It seems like sometimes that's the case with people who are lesser friends, with other people at least. The only people I keep grudges against are people who have been very mean and bullying towards me, or who have hurt me very deeply personally, say by trying to ruin my relationship with TheBoyfriend, to give one personal example.

    I haven't been in the situation where fate or circumstances chose my friends for me, unless you mean that there's someone that you actually dislike but must tolerate because they're a member of a particular friend's group. We have one "friend" who is like that. We both think he's a jerk, but we're both friendly with him because he's friends with a lot of our friends and he's around a lot. Plus, he seems to absolutely adore TheBoyfriend and is a little puppy-like towards him, which makes it really hard to dislike him because nobody likes kicking puppies.

    I'm really good at remaining on good terms with people I've dated. There's only one actual ex-boyfriend with whom I am not friends, and that's because of what he did to me. While I haven't always chosen the most compatible boyfriend's for myself, the men I choose tend to have a good heart and they're well-intentioned, so staying friends hasn't been so hard.

    There are two men, men who were not ex-boyfriends but whom I had a sexual relationship whom I did not speak to for over a decade because of how things ended between us. Those were grudges. One of those men recently sent me a letter thanking me for an act of friendship I did ages ago that he said probably changed his life. He called me an angel and he said that no one else has ever done anything like that for him. If he had sent me the letter a decade ago, things would have been very different between us. Who knows what would have happened? Why didn't he tell me how he felt and how much he appreciated me much sooner instead of leaving things all broken between us?

    The other man I spoke to a few times not too long ago and I discovered that he had not changed at all. He's still the jerk I thought he was so long ago.
     
    #5 petite, May 20, 2010
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  6. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

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    Sometimes I don't forgive or keep grudges but rather just forget them. Like they don't need resolution. You fight/argue, its over with the next day and you act like nothing happened. But I think that is a guy thing, maybe?

    There's also the case when someone is toxic where you try to "make up" or "move on" and they reject it time and again in a hostile fashion and so you give up on it.
     
    #6 B_spiker067, May 20, 2010
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  7. petite

    petite New Member

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    So true.

    It depends on circumstance. I tend to prefer talking about things, which TheBoyfriend hates, like many men. Sometimes I just want to forget all about it. Last dumb fight we had with one another I said, "I don't want to fight, let's just stop." We did, but the bad feelings from the fight were still there. I didn't feel better over it. We just weren't fighting any more.

    Maybe if you're a forgiving person and the other person rejects your efforts to resolve things, then you've actually dodged a bullet? Maybe that person would have been a terrible friend/lover to you and now you know early on.

    That's possible, but I hate having those toxic feelings between you. What if you run into one another all the time? Those bad feelings are going to be there all the time. That hurts both of you, those bad feelings.

    And sometimes the stupidest little fights get totally blown out of proportion and make people enemies over nothing important at all.
     
    #7 petite, May 20, 2010
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  8. petite

    petite New Member

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    I was just now thinking about it and I've really had very good experiences here on LPSG. While I've had misunderstandings with some people, I've been able to work it out with most of them and even become good friends with a few of them. What starts out as a disagreement here doesn't have to end up badly, as long as both people are willing and want to work it out and see where the other person is coming from and willing to forgive human moments of weakness.

    For the most part, it hasn't been a problem here on LPSG.
     
    #8 petite, May 20, 2010
    Last edited: May 20, 2010
  9. ArchKnight

    ArchKnight Member

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    Seems like I'm on a roll here...:biggrin1:

    Anyway... I always like to exactly and immediately say how I feel, what I think, what my position, my view of things is, so that the other "party" knows exactly where I stand.
    I don't tend to make a huge fuss of things. I also know from experience that I may sound and seem a bit too serious so it sometimes triggers unwanted reactions, but that's only way to make it clear, to keep it simple and focused on the problem.

    It's really important for me to know that, once discussed and resolved one way or another, the issue is over and done with. I hate it when people bring up old issues and debates.
    That's the only way I can move on, knowing that we may have had different opinions/feelings but have been able to each express them and resolve whatever the problem might be, either through compromise or accepting being wrong/at fault about something.

    I've completely stopped communicating with only a handful of people. Those are the ones who have really hurt me by outright abusing my trust and confidence in them. I know it's not always smart, but all of my relationships have been based on me giving credit to people in advance. But once you use up that credit, it takes a hell of a lot of time and effort to regain my trust.

    There's only one ex-GF whom I've not been able to remain on good terms with, but only because she completely refused it. Although she did made it quite clear early on in our relationship that in case we break up she wouldn't want to remain "friends". It's her choice in life, and I never wanted to push her into anything.
     
  10. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

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    Me for the most part I have no grudges on LPSG (especially with the ladies ;0). I find them all charming in their own ways and basically good people.
     
  11. HiddenLacey

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    Hey Petite:biggrin1: I'm pretty forgiving. It's take's a lot to make me even slightly mad. Most of the time I tend to piss people off because I'm smiling while their throwing a tantrum. Life's to short to be mad. I would always forgive a true friend if it was something silly like an arguement. My bestfriend threw a drink at me when we were teenagers and it hit me in the shoulder... I had one I was about to throw back... and I just dropped it and walked away. Now in a relantionship it depends on what I'm forgiving... cheating... sure he's forgiven now get out.... hands on me... eventually forgiven but I would tell him to get out before forgiving him that would come with time when I could make peace with myself. Or people that hurt animals they should burn in hell:mad: Nuf said! I don't think you have the ability to piss me off. And no one can do it on the internet cause I'd just ignore them. I try not to say things to people that are not nice, because I would like to be treated the same way.
     
    #11 HiddenLacey, May 20, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2010
  12. Stephenmass

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    I find that however hard it is if I need to end a relationship I do so with respect to myself and to him. There IS such a thing as splitting up with someone and respecting them at the same time! I understand this approach is no good is really bad relationships, but for the most part, even though we may break up with someone or them with us, we still care for them. Respect....it's easy actually!
     
  13. wallyj84

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    I'm very forgiving, but at the same time I do hold grudges. Although, I've never held a grudge against someone that I've dated, I do hate a few people and would like nothing more than to see them crushed and unhappy.

    The women that I date are generally of slightly higher status than me, so it would be inappropriate for me to hold a grudge against any of them, even if they wronged me.
     
  14. Countryguy63

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    What most people sem to forget nowadays, is how powerful a sincere "I'm sorry" is.
     
  15. L_egit

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    The right way of handling a dispute, put simply, is open honest communication. As far as metaphors go. I'm going to pretend that communication is a bridge.

    But honest communication is hard because it leaves you vulnerable, which means that you need a modicum of trust as a prerequisite. It takes a lot of work to build a bridge, which means that if you finish all the supports and foundation on your side, but the other side simply hasn't and won't, you just wasted a lot of labour and materials.

    Which in turn means that you need to intentionally put yourself out on a limb by describing exactly what you feel when a dispute arises. Much like the bridge, even if you would be a sucker by building your lines of communication up without knowing that the favor would be returned, without someone initiating this step, no one would ever build anything. More than that, it also means you need to be honest enough to accept what you are being told. You can't stand and prevent traffic across the bridge, because that means there's no effective bridge in the first place.

    Communication is also custom; it builds upon prior communications and methods of talking. In that manner not only is it custom but it is also customary. You build a framework within which you and your partner can exchange ideas. The problem in many instances is that people don't build up a history of frank communication. Instead they build one up on scraps of other conversations. Put simply, early bridges between two points are shoddy; You toss a plank of wood over a chasm and then share the very little stuff that this flimsy bridge can hold. As you keep tossing wood on it, the structure gets stronger, but fundamentally you're still using a bunch of wooden planks. When these structures fall apart, and they do, they can be repaired with more scraps and peace can return, but only to break apart at some future time. The alternative is sequentially redesigning the bridge; by luck or by effort, sometimes you'll change the materials you're using. Maybe beside that wooden plank bridge you build one made out of stone. Now you can trade more things safely. Maybe further in the future you decide you want a permanent link and make a steel span. Now you can have high traffic exchanges.

    That's the problem with looking at the issue through the optics of a particular conflict; it has nothing to do with the implicit trust created through prior conversations and as such doesn't really deal with the real issue. A conflict is kinda like someone trying to carry something heavy across your bridge. If your bridge is kinda garbage, it might snap in two and both of you are going to be unhappy about that. If your bridge is stronger, it might damage the bridge, but not completely destroy it. If your bridge is ironclad, it might not budge at all.

    That's kinda the way I look at it.
     
  16. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

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    Open communication to disable disputes is the easy thing to do and is not hard. What it is is a skill that needs to be developed much like public speaking or debate. Once people can do it (i.e. conflict resolution) they can't shut up and THAT is what bothers me :0)
     
  17. B_ILIW

    B_ILIW New Member

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    find common ground, reach a win-win, and determine the facts of the dispute.
     
  18. petite

    petite New Member

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    Unfortunately, most disagreements aren't over facts, they're over feelings.






    I just wrote this in the "revenge" thread, and realized that it applies here, so I'm quoting myself:

    People rarely admit that they have said or done anything wrong during an argument. The emotions aroused make it so difficult to cede any ground to your opponent. This is a terrible mistake. While it may make you feel that you've "won" the argument if you refuse to admit that you've been anything less than 100% correct during the argument, in the long run it will destroy your relationships. This is called, "Winning the battle, but losing the war."

    People who concede points to their opponent when their opponent is correct on a point and who are generous with admitting when their opponent has made a good point are more likely to resolve their disagreements amicably and have a good relationship. Those are important traits. Forgiving the other person when that person said something dumb and then admitted that they have said something dumb is part of being generous towards your opponent, and absolutely important for conflict resolution. People incapable of arguing with one another with respect and generosity are doomed to destroy their relationships.

    Dr. Gottman's relationship research has found that the single most important indicator of long term happiness for couples is how they argue, if they can come to agreeable conclusions and end them amicably or not. It's worth taking a hard look at. He's done more research on long term relationship success than anyone else in the world.

    I first learned about his research from this radio program:

    The Sanctity of Marriage | This American Life

    It's the first story after the prologue. It's free if you click "STREAM EPISODE" and it's fascinating.
     
    #18 petite, May 23, 2010
    Last edited: May 23, 2010
  19. lopo2000

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    It's always been hard for me to forgive, although in a long time, I might just, "what the hell, I couldn't care less anymore" it. But, the first few days of dispute, I'll just stay silent, make a long face, and make everyone around me uncomfortable. I'm working on it though. I find it hard to accept that some people aren't just the type that ask for forgiveness right away, they can be hesitant sometimes, just like I am.
     
  20. Gecko4lif

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    I operate on the Circle of trust principle.

    If you violate the circle your ass is out.

    Period.
     
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