Resolving differences cultural or otherwise

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_cigarbabe, Aug 31, 2008.

  1. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Is it possible to overcome differences in how a person is brought up?
    Is it as simple as being white or black?
    Does your family just ignore problems hoping they will go away if you don't confront them?
    Or do you confront them to show them what you don't agree with?
    Can these differences in upbringing be changed?
    Should they?

    Is it possible to show your lover or friend that you don't always have to deal with problems by screaming,name calling and breaking things or do you let them react or over react to even the most innocous questions or replies?
    I have had to deal with all of these in some of my relationships with people. This doesn't just apply to your partner it could also be a family member or friend.
    Many times I just have to walk away from the person because it just isn't worth the abuse or the aggravation to deal with them.
    I find people telling me "you have no feelings!" this doesn't make me feel sorry for them. It is a way to try and make me feel guilty for my point of view though.:tongue:
    I do empathise with them but not to the point where I can/will accept this behavior.
    I would like to find a way to make those folks inclined to tantrums/bad behavior or ignorance see that others don't make them behave this way. They are in charge of what comes out of their mouths. While I certainly do contribute to how I say things, ultimately I am not responsible for their behavior or how they respond.:rolleyes:
    Anyone else run into these kind of problems? What do you find works best? Must you help these folk?
    What say you LPSG?
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  2. SpeedoGuy

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    The techniques in this book entirely changed my life and the way I communicate with others, particularly with angry, antagonistic people. I've found its tenets to be extradordinarily useful in improving communication.
     
  3. Principessa

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    Looks like a good read, I think I'll pick it up at the mall tomorrow.:cool:
     
  4. Principessa

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    CB, you and I are so similar, yet very different. I felt I owed you some honest answers based on my experiences. :cool:

    You only have to help them if you love them and want or need them in your life. Otherwise I would say steer clear of these types as they can be emotional vultures.
     
  5. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    I know it's late so I wasn't expecting too many answers!
    Thank you both for the stories!
    I used to relate to these people by hitting or screaming or any means necessary
    now I just don't have the energy nor do I like going to jail!:eek:
    Personally I just have never had the patience to deal "properly" with these types of folks.
    I find that the more they scream and become abusive the more I shut down and want out of the relationship and the room.
    I have walked away from people I loved rather than deal with their problems or "relationship baggage".
    I hate doing this though even when I'm sure I couldn't do any more for them.
    C.B.:saevil:
     
  6. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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  7. killerb

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    It's been my experience that there is very little you can do to encourage people like that to change their behavior...

    Once you let them know that it's unacceptable, they must make the decision whether to change or not...

    It's also been my experience that people like that tend to see no wrong in their behavior and constantly blame others for everything...
     
  8. got_lost

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    I agree with killerb.
    I don't think those people who behave like that can inherently change their behaviour, unless one day they realise what they are doing and decide to change themselves and accept they need help/counselling to do so.

    Fortunately, other than my mother, I have not come into contact with people like that.
    That said, if I do see someone being aggressive or abusive to someone else I will interject and usually 'save' the other person by deflecting the abuse on to me. But I don't scream and fight back and just try to calm the enraged person down or just absorb it like a sponge.

    I don't handle conflict too well, so don't go looking for it or deliberately causing it.
     
  9. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Yes you and K8 are exactly right.
    They always try and blame you for some percieved attack or slight never ever seeing that it is their own behavior that can make you react unfavorably towards them.
    I am not entirely sure it's a cultural phenomena either anymore.
    Perhaps it is just that in this country we have a whole bunch of people who were never brought up right by the parents or guardians they had.
    Of course many did have good upbringings but they are still so many just terribly damaged mentally and physically.
    There are just so many variables like poverty,mental illness,drug abuse,self abuse,bad parenting and of course money! Money doesn't guarantee you will be mentally stable. As evidence by a thread here at lpsg. :rolleyes:
    Who can say with any accuracy how someone may turn out.
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  10. Principessa

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    *BUMP*
     
  11. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    gee, whatever happened to the notion of maturity?
     
  12. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Well that's why I asked the question Nick4444!
    There haven't been too many posts regarding this type of "you made me do it" behavior.
    I deal with these kinds of people all the time.
    I don't know why folks don't want to see this behavior in themselves.
    I have seen in it in me and I gotta tell you I hated it! I didn't like looking back and seeing myself always blaming others for what was coming out of my mouth or blaming them for hitting them {see what you made me do}!
    It is one of the uglier behaviors that manifest in us.
    So my question to anyone is,
    1.) How can you help someone to see this behavior without antagonizing them?
    2.)When therapy isn't working or fails what next?
    3.)Stick around to help or move on?
    4.)What would you do if it was a family member?
    5.)What would you do if it was a partner?
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  13. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    no answers?
     
  14. 8060

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    Overcoming a behavioral trait as an adult is a very complicated thing. It's like being an addict. You can love them with everything that you have in you but until they 'see and accept their problem and want to change themselves' there isn't anything that we can do but continue to love them until we tired of that. It's hearbreaking because of its complexity. I think that the family members and other loved ones of people like what you describe just sit back and silently pray that things will change while feeling powerless themselves and being consumed by their love for them. That's how I feel when I look at them. Now, when it comes down to confronting them, you need to have your ducks in a row 'cause you know they're gonna trip. I think confrontation (a mature, thought-out confrontation/not like they would come at you) is necessary and inevitable if you love them. I would like to hope that their 'reaction mode' could be changed for the better. I think the more people that we have on Earth that have level heads could eventually bring on world peace to really look at the big picture. So, I think the effort in trying to help someone see their shortcomings would be worth the effort.

    Being an example for someone is a hard thing. That's why I take my hat off to parents. That's a hard job. Parents are responsible for molding a mind into something suitable to interact with the rest of us. It's a lot of people on Earth, each one very different. That's a lot of molding. If someone sees their parents arguing constantly, they will visualize that as being the norm and more than likely unconsciously adapt that to their own life. It's sad but true. If that something on the inside of them that makes them see that they don't have to do that (act out the way that they do) isn't there, it's like having to raise a person in reverse. I know so many people like this.

    A guy I know:
    You're mad because in you're in jail, but you're a criminal and now you want to curse out the guard (that knows you by first name because you've been in jail so many times) because you're in jail...again. "If y'all wasn't following me so close on the road, you wouldn't even know that my tags were expired & I wouldn't even be in here." You're a newlywed on the verge of divorce because you were a crappy husband and you get mad and then blame your wife when she calls the police (you've already got a record, just a snap away from prison) because you're beating her. You're steadily at odds with your parents because you say they never did shit for you, but when you get arrested, you call them so they can bail you out.

    I love this guy and I just listen to him while he spills out one self-inflicted problem after the next and then I tell him what I think. I use quiet tones and eye contact, hugs, sincerity in my voice, & laughter in my confrontation and intervening. I try to keep the mood as light as possible without losing the task at hand. Now, these behavioral problems that these people have with other people, I rarely see that. I always hear the story but I never catch the act in progress. I try to keep cool always. I don't have time to get wrapped up in someone else's wrecklessness. I have bad credit. I have problems of my own, LOL. I'll tell them what they need to know and send them on their way. I also let them know, every one of them, that their situation is their own fault and no one else's. "You're mad at yourself. I didn't do anything to you." Until they hear that it's their fault, they're gonna blame you or somebody else.

    Replaying situations has its benefits in being able to show someone themselves without being antagonizing to them. In helping someone with this kind of problem, I think to stick is the best way. From a distance, of course. We have to leave them room to have 'thought' about themselves and their behavior and reaction process. Ultimately, it's the words that we choose to say to them. Just shower them with love. Move everything out of the house and replace the things with love. Words are like silver bullets. They can uplift a nation or break a soul with the same kind of might. If they're making an effort for them, then I would stick around to see the credits roll. If not, then you let them go. We've all had to drop someone before for one reason or another. Hearbreaking still. If I were dealing with a family member or a partner, I'd try until I saw that my efforts would not be the thing to help the situation. Epiphany!
     
    #14 8060, Nov 20, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2008
  15. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    There is that damn word again "epiphany"!
    I sometimes hear that from Mr. Ed who after doing something
    that wasn't nice, will think about all night while he's out working and then come to a realization that yes, he can now see what I was talking about!
    Epiphany! I had one Say's he.
    Well I'm grateful for all of the "epiphanies" he comes to simply because it lets him see my point of view and see the way he was lookingat those problems.
    That was a very well thought out post 8060 and I thank you for your
    input into this thread.
    I can see that you also know exactly what I'm talking about in relation to this post.
    Thank you babe!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  16. 8060

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    Anytime, my friend. You are welcome. I had to think for a minute but I finally understood where you were coming from.
     
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