Reuniting with an ex

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by At.your.cervix, Jun 20, 2011.

  1. At.your.cervix

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    Last night I got a phone call from my very first love, way back in high school. She's going to be in town for a week on business right after the 4th of July, and wanted to get together.

    Normally this wouldn't be such a big thing, as we've stayed in touch pretty regularly over the years, and it'd be wierd if we didn't get together (we live on opposite coasts). But there ARE complications--of course, if there weren't I wouldn't be writing this post to you folks right now. First, over the years, whenever we've gotten together, it always has wound up with more than just dinner and a good conversation. This has happened 4 times now, but our lives were such that it never went further than a few nights together again. I wouldn't mind making it a fifth time reuniting, except that she's now married to what sounds like a great guy and has a beautiful son. I do hold her in a special place in my heart, and don't want to mess things up with the happy life which she's now leading. So, while I'd jump at the chance to spend some time talking together face-to-face as friends, I'm a bit afraid of it leading to something beyond. I know I can hold off from making any amorous advances towards her, but not so sure how I'd respond if she made any towards me, and that scares me a little.

    It's funny; I have no problems hooking up with other married women who are just looking for sex, but in this situation, I wouldn't want to do anything which might jeopardize her current relationship with her husband--mainly because I do care so much about her as one who I did truly love once.

    Any words from the wise here?
     
  2. redbear52

    redbear52 New Member

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    If you would like to see her but don't wish to have sex with her just tell her in advance and tell her why.
     
  3. hoterboy

    hoterboy New Member

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    I won't be so worried in such a situation. You had some experience together (ex), I am sure she want to go beyond, and see no problem with this. Relax, do things smart and nobody hurt. My opinion
     
  4. Touch_here

    Touch_here Member

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    Sounds like you do want the sex, but you're afraid of the potential repercussions (husband somehow finds out/ her guilt/ "home-wrecker" label/ friendship ending). It sounds to me that you value your friendship with her a lot more than just sex, so I'd take the high road and keep it platonic. You still have awesome memories to recall. That's if she doesn't make any advances.

    If she makes the advances and is the kind to keep a torrid affair more secretive than the CIA, you'll need to make a judgement call.

    I was in Philly on business recently when I somehow ran into my ex from Kansas...from 10 years ago. Although my ex was seeing someone at the time, we did enjoy an some awesome Jacuzzi-time and slept naked together...but I didn't put out. ;) That's another story ;-). Bottom line, I was invited over lunch and I finally decided to spend time with my ex....on my terms. And we honestly had fun. At least I did. ;)

    Just make sure things happen on your terms, whatever you feel is best. Trust your instincts.
     
  5. rob_just_rob

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    Fuck someone else the night before; get it out of your system.

    Is this ex really so wonderful that you lose all self control around her?
     
  6. helgaleena

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    The only clear solution is to bring it up with her right away and go on from there. You are doing this out of concern for her. She will let you know if she wants you to abstain or not. Have you met the new hubby? Ideally he would be okay with whatever she decides as well. She's the ultimate boss of her own body, as are you.
     
  7. Osiris1234

    Osiris1234 New Member

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    I do, I find it pretty sad that these women have to resort to cheating. I did it once and I regret it ever since, her husband was such a nice guy and after that I never went to her again. To this day I feel so guilty....:(

    But yeah, just tell her in advance you don't wanna have sex and why.

    I do,what if the husband finds out? She won't regret cheating, she will regret getting caught.


    Wow, that was a pretty dick move.
     
    #7 Osiris1234, Jun 21, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2011
  8. hsarge

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    She is the one who is taking a chance, not you. She will have decided that the risk is worth it. You are not the one taking a chance. If she is willing to take this with you, she may have been willing to take it with others. she may feel she needs this risk and romance in her possibly routine life. You are providing the escape, she is taking the risk.
     
  9. umami_tsunami

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    Your first love is a very powerful attraction. She will likely remain that way for a long time- maybe the rest of your life. The rise of social media has allowed "first love" reunions to occur and clandestine connections to remain in unprecedented numbers.

    Dr Nancy Kalish has done some pretty compelling work to support her thesis that you are particularly susceptible to falling deeply in love as a young person and that your first love imprints on you in a way that no subsequent loves quite match. It's probably not always the case, but certainly interesting.

    First Love, Lost Love: Is It Imprinting? | Psychology Today

    I imagine you already know what you want to do. Talk honestly about it with her and be very careful. Unfortunately, a great many (most) people subscribe to the ridiculous notion that they will stay 100% faithful to one person for the rest of their lives. The fact that half or more people experience infidelity is proof that humans are not, by nature, monogamous. Most people will cheat, lie about it and potentially cause ruin and pain. Most people would be way better off understanding that families and pair bonds are critically important and should be respected, but most people will want- and seek out- a little on the side to spice things up.

    I have had 3 affairs separated by 5 and 22 years with my first love. We can't resist each other, but lead very different lives and could not be together permanently.

    Be careful. Communicate.
     
  10. B_Craiggers

    B_Craiggers New Member

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    Pass on the date. Still keep in touch w/ her. If she's ever back in town with her family, go out to dinner with all of them sometime, but going out with her alone is asking for trouble given what you've said.
     
  11. yhtang

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    I suppose if you meet in a public place, say for lunch, that limits the available time and opportunity to do something that one or both of you might regret.
     
  12. At.your.cervix

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    Wow. Thanks to all of you for the advice. First off, I very much DO want to sleep with her again (at least that's what "Mr. Happy" keeps telling me), but I wouldn't want my own carnal desires to screw up her life in any way. She will always be "the one who got away" for me. But as some of you have pointed out, she's a big girl (actually she's quite pettite, but that's not what I was getting at), and can make up her own mind about her own marital fidelity as well as whether she wants to just talk, or do more--as can I. But, as many of you have pointed out, if anythging beyong just friendly chat appears to be probable, some up-front talk about further intimacy between us should precede any actions.

    Thanks again for your help with one of life's little conundrums.
     
  13. badger2395

    badger2395 Member

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    Seems like the wisest course to me; "talking, if practiced carelessly, can lead to communication." :)
     
  14. nakedone

    nakedone New Member

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    I did fuck my ex-wife once, after we were divorced, but neither of us saw it as a "reuniting". We both just needed a fuck, and each other were the most available persons.

    Fucking with an ex can be very liberating. You don't have to work on the relationship and don't have to make promises you know you can't keep. It may be, in fact, the most practical solution for both when they need a fuck!
     
  15. tallblondviking

    tallblondviking Well-Known Member

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    I congratulate and admire you. You willingly place her happiness above a quick fling (or more) is an exceedingly mature attitude! Recognizing that you are afraid of the consequences of such involvement is very normal and healthy and, again, a mature step.

    I think being open and honest with her is the most important thing you can do. Let her know how much you value your current relationship and history together and that while you cherish the past you need to be honest about it in order to preserve the present and future.

    If she is even half as thoughtful and in touch with her feelings as you are, the open communication should just strengthen your bonds and help direct them in a healthy direction for the two of you. If she is only looking for a fast hook up then the relationship is extremely one sided and doomed. It might hurt you in the here and now but it would save greater pain down the road. Ultimately, either outcome is a win for you in the long run.
     
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