Revelations

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by lafever, Jan 11, 2008.

  1. lafever

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    I think i`m using the word right, i could be wrong, i just woke out of a vivid dream, it`s like i crossed over into a concious that few seldomly get to share.
    Let me explain, i have been going through so much lately that my soul feels as though it has been torn from the trials and tribulations of my life. It has been the combination of the past mixed in with the present.
    It`s very clear now, the closer i`ve become to being absolutly free the harder my life has become.
    I`ve with great courage shared my pain and endevours thinking that i`ve faced my fears but in doing so have attracted others that are in the same pain(battle)and in doing so have awoken their denial, and or refusal to face the demons that hinder them from being free(the chains that bind them).
    It would seem logical if they are not ready to face these hauntings to attack the one who is, their fear is so great that they will go to any lengths to protect their fantasy which they have built to protect themselves from the reality that haunts them in their souls.
    I`ve heard this before, or maybe it was another life, it just didn`t make as much sense then as it does now, it`s the self made prisons in our own minds that we create for ourselves, if i`m not the problem then there is no solution.
    So this is it in a nut shell, by me not facing my fears on my own and trusting in others instead of my higher power i have failed in my faith by thinking that man could help me.
    Let me explain further from a simple observation:
    If you open a cacoon too soon the butterfly will attempt to fly yet it will die because it failed to struggle on its own to be free from it`s cacoon, by not struggling on it`s own failed to gain the strenghts it needs to survive.
    Ok, now that i`ve shared this i worry that one, i`m close to death because many people never figure this out untill their life is over or they are near death or two, i have discovered the secrets inside pandoras box, that what lies in pandoras box is not death and destruction but what comes from within a man that starts wars and tears others apart, in other words what lies in the box is the reflection of the very soul one posseses.
    The secrets that elude man lie within oneself, within the very soul he carries, yet he persues the globe in shearch of answers from his own denial that he`ll never find.
    I believe now that wars, holocousts, the death and destruction of nations and people have been the victoms of of such endevours, mans persuit on the outside instead of within and no matter how many victories one achieves theres still that empty void, so even in ones great achievements of dominace of others they have still failed to discover what they have longed for and what eludes them from their own pride and ego which stems from their great achievements, to dominate themselves(the feelings and emotions that rule ones actions).
    Now the question that comes to mind is can i forgive myself to my own ignorance and self-righteousness.



    lafever:cool:
     
  2. snoozan

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    lafever, i see over there that you posted a blog, i think that's a much better place for you venting, thinking, ranting, etc. than starting a thread or two every day for them. you'll garner a lot less bad will as well, i imagine. i think you can even control who reads your blog and delete and/or moderate the comments so you blog doesn't turn into a flame war.

    second, and i'm 100% serious about this, many people who think they have "found the answers" and all that are not dying but experiencing a clinical mania. taking into account your posting in the last couple weeks and days, it may be something you want to look into with your local mental health services. even if not, you seem extremely distressed right now from your life situation, and a visit to psychiatrist can't hurt. i know you've been on meds before. it may be time to look into that again.

    i'm not saying this to troll. i don't have much love for you, but i also don't wish you any ill and you seem like you need some help that LPSG can't give you.
     
  3. lafever

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    You`re not a troll snoozan, believe me i can tell, i know what a loving knife in my back feels like, some think they`re so slick at throwing knives and try and act like they`ve got my best interest.
    You can lovingly smear frosting on shit but it`s still shit nonetheless.
    Yes, i`ve started a blog, but really i prefer pm`s, they`re alot more private, the people who post in my pm`s are posting to me and not putting on a show for the rest of lpsg, i like that alot, i know they`re cincere.
    I appreciate your concern with my mental health but i look at them as witch doctors myself, i don`t like being a ginny pig for a doctor who thinks they know whats wrong with me, no one knows me as good as i do.
    Yes, i`ve let stress get to me, i cannot deny that, but that`s what makes me human, i`d much rather feel the feelings and go through them then become numb to everything and have a slight drool.
    The last time i went the really dopped me up, i didn`t like that at all, i have a business to run and i can`t be all loopy with the customers.
    What works for others is great, but that doesn`t mean it`ll work for me.
    We`re all different and sometimes i don`t think doctors realize that.
    Just because i`m so outspokken doesn`t mean there`s something wrong with me, i just don`t fit into societies norms.
    Don`t you know i`m supposed to be quite, and fall into line(From Pink Floyds song The Wall, "All we are is just another brick in the wall").

    lafever:cool:
     
  4. Bbucko

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    My life has been a series of revelations, some rather similar to what you discussed in your OP.

    These flashes of enlightenment form the core of my principles, ethical and spiritual, and am grateful that they have happened.

    But, as Snoozan has written, such breakthroughs are not always for popular consumption. They are private moments of enlightenment and are incomprehensible to those who've not yet experienced them.
     
  5. lafever

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    Yeah, denial is bliss.

    lafever:cool:
     
  6. Bbucko

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    It's not denial so much as ignorance. We all find our own path to enlightenment in our own time.
     
  7. lafever

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    Maybe even ignorance combined with being a blond, wait that`s an oxymoron or is it?
    The last time i checked my hair was dirty blond.
    Hey wait a minute, that would help to explain why my mind is always in the gutter.
    Ouch, now my head hurts, too much thinking going on, must focus on naked woman.(meditates to images of womans breasts)

    lafever:cool:
     
  8. HazelGod

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    Fixed that for you. :biggrin1:

    You just need to lighten up, dude. Let go of the "we're all here for a reason" bullshit, and just enjoy being alive for a while.
     
  9. lafever

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    Too bad i can`t get a nickel for everytime i`ve masterbated.

    lafever:cool:
     
  10. crescendo69

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    You are surely correct, oh wise one! (Said in my best Ed McMahan voice).
     
  11. lafever

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    I`m not so sure about being wise, when you`ve fucked up as much as i have you`re sure to learn something(probability is more like it).
    I`ve read that above average intenlligence( a genius) has ties with being border line crazy if not close to being insane. Some of the greatest people in history were classified as being insane, some of the greatest artists were`nt realized until centries later because the human intellect had to catch up with the brilliance of their work.
    Not everyone can think outside the box.
    Sure i could get onto meds but why stop the creativity of my mind, i think most medicines today are designed to do just that, make incredible people normal.
    Just think of all the brilliant minds that are wasted to modern medicine.
    Sadly i believe the majority of genius`s turn into junkies because they don`t fit into society, some of the smartest people i`ve ever met had needles sticking out of their arms.

    lafever:cool:
     
  12. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Or stoned.. but let us not think that about me right now. Tylenol trois is a bitch.
     
  13. lafever

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    Yes, i believe you`re right TK, just think of all the brilliant minds wasted on weed.
    I believe addicts are misunderstood, i believe they are above average and because so they have a hard time fitting inn.
    I`ve been involved with addicts for over 20 years and the ideas, dreams, or just thoughts of an addict are mind blowing.

    Oh, and TK, sorry i was so mean to you, you didn`t deserve that, i let my frustrations out on you as i did several other members, you don`t have to forgive me, i`m not asking you of that, i just want you to know i`m sorry.

    lafever:cool:
     
  14. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Oh no.. see I was talking Tylenol three for some pain.. but it seems that my brain decided to um use it differently tonight. There is no attention span or coherency right now.
     
  15. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    As soon as I learned all that my hair went gray.

    I've been gray since I was 24.

    Right now lafever, you need love and some ease in your life. Your wife is doubtless a great source of that if what I read is true. You need more than that.

    I'd love to hug and hold you right now but I can't. You need people who can.

    Do you have any siblings, friends, family who you can go to? You need a retreat, a time away from your life. You've gone through so much in such a short time.

    The gaining of wisdom is an immensely painful experience, physically or mentally. You lose years from your life getting it. I'm convinced of it.

    And yet it's worth it. The only thing you can do is find your own separate peace (a great book btw). How you find that I don't know. I think each person has to forge it for himself.
     
  16. lafever

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    I`ve got family but i don`t fit into their lifestyle, i`m the poor one out of the bunch.
    My dads a retired nsa, no shit, my uncles a professor, need i go on, so i`ve failed to live up to their expectations.
    My mother has never huged me or told me she loved me, so i haven`t spoken to her in over 20 years.
    Whenever i go to family for support they just throw money at me.
    Lately i`ve been breeding birds, i`ve got 5 baby society finches, which are looking for a good home. Four more society finches on the way from another pair, one hatched yesterday, and my bronze winged manikkins just laid an egg today.
    My rare parakeet has yet to lay anything so i think i`ve got to pair her up with another male, it`s just hard finding one(lutino).
    Ok, so i`m a dweeb.

    lafever:cool:
     
  17. snoozan

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    What I'm about to say isn't necessarily the case for you, but I wanted to address this since this thinking permeates oue society, and, unfortunately, delays or stops many people from getting help with mental illness.

    The truth is, it's mental illness itself that kills people, kills minds, and saps creativity. Brain studies and anecdotal evidence has shown that mental illness does brain damage, and the more it's left untreated and unaddressed, the more damage it does. This was first noticed in epilepsy, where it's called kindling. There is no medication that can reverse this damage, so anyone who struggles with mental illness needs to stay on medication.

    I don't believe that the right medication anaesthetizes you. This hasn't been my experience, nor has it been the experience of others I know. Mental illness anaesthetizes you. Medication can bring you back somewhat, but you have to work to get back to 100%, and sometimes you never do after one or two severe episodes. I've found that since I have been on medication that works for me, my personality hasn't changed except that a few ocd-like distressing behaviors I thought I'd never get rid of and hated went away. I've also lost 75 pounds, started going to the gym, raised a son, started a business, and kept up with friends and family. This is something I did not do while I was at my sickest when I was pregnant.

    I'm still creative-- I'm an artist and I have to be so I can work. I'm not normal, I'm me except in less pain. My quality of life is better since I started medication. Granted, I don't get those all-encompassing, earth-shattering highs of mania (never did) or the mad inspiration of hypomania (which I may have gotten) all the time anymore. I still get inspiration and feel connected to the universe and at my creative peak at times.

    Lafever, what you're saying is what a lot of people who are manic or don't want to deal with medication say, because finding the right medication is exceeding difficult and scary, and trying to face mental illness head on is even scarier. You seem to be in the middle of so much that I really think you need some help. If you're not open to medication, see a therapist at the very least. By your own admission, you feel like shit both mentally and physically. This is what mental illness does, and it cripples you in all spheres of your life. I can't see how you seeking therapy could make you and your life worse at this point.

    As it stands for me, even if medication did make it harder for me to be an artist or make me more able to "fit in," I'd still take it for my son and husband so they had a more functional, less moody, more able to handle crisis mother and wife. Think about that.

    Mental illness has killed many great minds prematurely, and the currently available treatments help but don't cure that. What I've experienced has given me an alternate world view, but I don't feel a need to experience it over and over until I finally end up permanently cognitively damaged or just a shell of myself. I've seen that happen to people more than one time, and it's not pills that does it, it's the mental illness.

    Okay, end of public service announcement.
     
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