Roommate issues...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by wonderwhy1, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. wonderwhy1

    wonderwhy1 New Member

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    Hi everybody. I felt like sharing the story could help me get things sorted out in my head.

    I consider myself straight although I've always known that I was slightly curious. It's a bit complicated, coz I never thought of guys like a relationship material or somebody I could date or fall in love, but it was mostly sexual curiosity. I'd secretly compare guys in the locker room, sometimes even masturbate thinking of guys. This fascination also had it's limits. It never went beyond thinking of masturbating together with another guy while watching porn. Maybe even a mutual jerk off, but not more than that.

    Aside from that, girls turn me on and up until a year ago I had a fairly active sex life. My curiosity was never an issue for me or a source of confusion. Apart from couple of situations with friends from high school when he'd get together and jerk off to a porn (happened once or twice), I've never had any experience with another guy, it always stayed in my head, and I never had a need to explore this further.

    So, what happened?
    A year ago, I moved in with my present roommate because we decided to study together in another city. I knew him for two years before that and I'm sure he's straight. We became very good friends, even too good I'd say to the point where we would sometimes actually finish each other sentences. Sometimes, when the topic of gays would come along, he'd seem a bit too tolerant and on ocassion even he'd openly discuss blowjobs and anal sex between guys. Also, sometimes as a joke, he'd act feminine and actually be pretty good at it. There is nothing wrong about being tolerant and accepting differences, but with him something was off. Since we were getting along so well, I started thinking he might also be curious. I am also straight for the world, I am also very tolerant, I have gay friends, I'd go to gay bars where I'd actually pick up girls and I never thought of gays in a bad or a derogatory way. With myself, I never figured out whether my tolerance stems from my mentality or from the fact that I am curious about guys. So I figured, what if he is thinking the same?
    Close as we are, we openly discussed sex, masturbation, tendences and preferences for girls, but it never came to the point where we'd put on a porn, whip it out and jerk off together. I always thought it was a miscommunication issue - I would not bring it up and so he wouldn't either. So the time was passing and I didn't even think about it anymore.
    But, since this year, it has been so hectic with school that I barely had time to date. And also, when I'd go out, I was not in the mood to go through the entire meeting process just to get a girl in bed. I was looking for THE THING, a steady relationship. Before even blinking, a year has gone by and I was still single. I wasn't really worried, coz I was doing ok single and on my own. No stress, no obligations, no drama. I knew that the right girl would come sooner or later.

    My roommate on the other hand had been dating this girl for 3 years and just recently decided to break up. Honestly I was relieved coz I always thought that he had been holding him down, controlling his life way too much and sometimes it was really annoying to see how pussy whipped he was. So I thought, great, finally it's gonna be to two single 20-something guys, going around, picking up girls, succeeding, failing... living a life. Also, for some reason I thought, maybe we'd finally get the comfort zone higher, walk around naked around the house, jerk off in front of each other, bullshit around etc. But, very soon after, he met this girl who also went through a break up and it seemed a typical rebound for both of them. I was not concerned, it didn't seem serious and she wasn't even from the same city.
    So one evening, after a night of binge drinking, I finally decided to tell him about my curiosity. He was the first person ever to whom I openly admitted that. Not surprisingly, he said he doesn't believe in people being 100% gay or 100% straight and that given the circumstances and although it never happened before, he doesn't see why he couldn't fall for a guy. He said he falls in love with people and not sexes. Ok, to me that was even more than I was expecting, since my attraction to guys is less emotional and more physical. Ok, the conversation went on, and at the point we were so wasted that we just decided to call it a night. Before going to sleep I hinted that if he ever wanted to experiment, that I am here and he replied that if I could turn him on the way this girl he met can, why not... It stayed there...

    Couple of weeks later, I realized that he's getting serious with this girl... And that's when my problem started. I felt something, I have never felt for any guy before... jealousy... It manifested as strong anxiety every time I would see them or think about them together. I realized that my "gayness" just stepped up a notch. It could be that I am in love with him, or it could be just my fixation since I've met a guy who's apparently similar to me and I needed to see how far can this go. In any case, the anxiety just won't go away.

    He saw something was wrong... I was becoming more distant and cold and when he'd ask me what was wrong I'd blame it on various stuff... school, this, that, whatever... but I was definitely not the same to him anymore...
    Then I realized that by drifting apart I was behaving in a weird, and to him inexplicable way. So I decided to confess once again what's wrong with me.... I told him that I have issues coping with him getting together with this girl and that he was the reason. I told him I was hoping I could explore this curiosity with him. He replied that he was flattered but that he couldn't help me... So, after yet another long conversation, where I openly asked him if he would be comfortable being naked in front of me or jerking off with me, he said no. But to him, he said, that did not depend on sex and that he would be equally uncomfortable jerking off together with a female friend. So, this was kind of strange since couple of nights before he said something different. He said most he could help me was to go out one night to a gay bar and be my wingman. I told him that this was not what I wanted because I knew some of those places and if I really wanted to fool around, I would have done it long time ago. In the end I concluded that we are definitely in different places concerning this issue and even though he might be curious, he's definitely not ready to experiment.

    Furthermore, since I know him, and I know how he works, it seemed to me that he could also have been overly empathic towards me and tried to make me feel more comfortable in this situation and that I mistook this empathy for an invitation. I have seen him doing that before to other people, and people like his empathy, but sometimes pretending to understand somebody or convincing himself that he understands somebody can lead to a disaster. These were my final words to him and I told him that I needed time to sort things in my head, that he shouldn't be surprised if I act strange, cold and distant and that I hope it would not come to that but that we could very well stop being friends after this. This is one of my old issues I'm working on, I tend to cut off people fairly easily.

    In his situation, I will try my best not to do it, but the main reason why I decided to have that chat with him - to ease my anxiety, did not solve anything... I still wake up and go to sleep with a terrible gut feeling and I feel it especially when I hear him cheerfully talking to his now new gf on the phone. The worst thing is that I still somewhere deep down hope that he would come around, and I am afraid that I will cut him off especially because at this point I don't see how things can go back to where they were unless he doesn't.
     
  2. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    Wow. Do you have other male friends that you think might be interested in exploring this with you? You have my sympathy, dude. I know this kind of thing can be really, really tough.
     
  3. dreamer20

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    Your roommate explained he falls in love with and is turned on by certain people. You are aware that girl is one of those people, but you are not. Thus he rebuffed you and is besotted with her. As you claim not to want any stress or drama, stop obsessing over them and leave them be. Seek out someone else to be your attractive, sexual plaything.
     
  4. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    all about mind games

    I love playing them also! sometimes
     
  5. Mikes20

    Mikes20 New Member

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    I think you need to stop focusing on loving him and start focusing on loving yourself (no, not in that way). Meditate, take time to relax and distance yourself from him, or the thought of him as a lover. Then try to remember how you acted when you were just friends, bring yourself back to that time and try to act like that again. It may feel strange, or even like you are lying to yourself in the beginning, but eventually you will end up saving your friendship with a guy who clearly wants nothing more than that.
     
  6. onewatcher

    onewatcher Active Member

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    I agree with this!
    I have been where you are, only in my case, he was the one that made the moves on me. It opened up a whole new world for me, but he went the other way and finally married. We have remained friends for over 30 years . His wife is like a sister to me. Try and do what Mike said. I know it will be hard, but he was a friend first. You are young, and have, hopefully, a long life ahead of you. No one knows what road you will take. Friends are hard to come by. He was a true friend letting you know his feelings, figuring you will be able to accept it. Now be a friend to him, and do just that. I'm glad you came to us with your situation. Lot's of good advice from the LPSG gang.
     
  7. heist

    heist New Member

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    Ah, unrequited love! Best idea: try to let it fade away. If you really can't still be friends, then that might be how things have to be until you get over him. Treat it like any other failed potential relationship (though I guess it's possible you've never fallen/had a crush on someone and not had them return the feelings).

    It's going to be tough and will suck. But you can't do much to change someone's feelings like that, so it's better to focus on changing your own. You might even need a "rebound" or two to help you get over him, but it sounds like it's a lost cause, so it'll be better than moping over something that's not going to happen.
     
  8. wonderwhy1

    wonderwhy1 New Member

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    Thx guys, there are some good advice here... now, the only thing is to actually come to terms that this is a lost cause... It's not easy since we live together and he's now more than ever trying to be a good friend and roommate. Small stuff that was always a subject of the argument (eg. putting empty milk carton back in the fridge and million other things), he's being careful about them now...
    It would have been so much easier if he were a prick...

    Do you really believe he's playing mind games?
     
  9. cpmuscle81

    cpmuscle81 Active Member

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    Personally, I'd move out. Constantly being tempted with something you can't have is tough. Out of sight, out of mind. Screw the friendship, at least for now. You can make new friends, who you do not have crushes on, and others who you do wanna do stuff with who will reciprocate. Just make sure if you do move, that you move someplace fun with roommates you will enjoy. Sounds like your needs are not being met in any way by this guy-he's not willing to mess around, and isn't really emotionally available as a good friend either now...at least not in any way you'd like him to be. It's really hard to accept when you have something beautiful and it goes sour. Over time I have learned that usually its better to let things go than to claw and scratch to get things back the way they were. Move on, there's so many other experiences for you to have in life. Some of my biggest mistakes in life so far were due to sticking around in bad living/roommate situations too long, to the point we resented each other and I had no choice but to move out.

    If moving is not a feasible option right now, I would at least go on craigslist and look at some places. If you see places and meet new people, it can expand your world and allow you to envision yourself in new ways. If you mentally set yourself on the possibility of moving out and figure out how to do that, you might not feel so trapped and downtrodden by this situation.
     
    #9 cpmuscle81, Sep 21, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  10. latinkid22204

    latinkid22204 New Member

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    hey bro,
    I can definitely relate. You sound EXACTLY how I am as far as being tolerant toward homosexuality. Over time, I have also had some sexual curiosity when it came to guys but I never really did anything until this summer. I became very close friends with this guy I met on campus and I came to find out that he was also curious. To make a long story short, we began talking every night and our friendship became somewhat romantic. One night, we decided to go out to dinner and hang out by the beach. We had a very deep conversation about our curiosity and what that could potentially mean for us. After hours of talking, he went in to kiss me and we ended up making out for what seemed like hours. I had never felt so much compassion for someone. I think part of it had to do with the fact that I felt really comfortable around him and finally found someone that I could relate to. We were very similar...mainly straight, but yet curious, masculine, and scared to death about it deep inside.

    After hanging out, he invited me over and we ended up having sex that night. It was by far the best sex I had ever had with anyone. After that night, he avoided me for 4 days and I was soo confused as to what had happened. When we finally spoke, he told me he didn't want anything to do with me because he was scared of falling for me and ending up gay. I've never been more heart-broken that that night. To this day, I've ran into him about 3 times and although we acknowledge each other and say hi, its still very awkward. Just the other day, I saw him making out with a girl around campus and it killed me. I was sooo jealous and hurt.

    Keep your head up though. Things like this happen for a reason. I'm still having a hard time "getting over" this guy. I really wish we would at least be friends...but we're not. Then again, I'm sure if we were friends, it would make it that much harder knowing that I couldnt be with him.

    Sorry for the long rant. Hopefully things work out for you. Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk.

    Takecare bud,

    Anthony
     
  11. exwhyzee

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    I've been there, and I've felt all the same feelings so many times. Your post could have been written by me. Its no fun.

    I don't know that I have an answer, either.

    No, I don't think he's playing mind games. He just wants to please everyone in his life. No crime there.

    This is probably what I would do. Otherwise you are stuck watching this guy fall in love with the girl while you are alone...and that's a terrible place to be.

    People have mentioned that friends are hard to come by, and they are. But you can't hold on to friends all the time when things get this complicated. For your own sake, you might want to end this friendship. If you really want this guy to be happy (and I think you do), then realize that being with a girl and finding a partner is what will make him happy...and by standing aside you can help let that happen.

    Big picture, I think you need to remove yourself from that environment, surround yourself with some cool people, avoid being alone like the plaque, and let yourself move on. This guy might always hold a place in your heart, but you gotta let some others hold a place as well.

    I really hope these posts help you sort of your feeling and a plan of action, and that you get some resolution quickly.
     
  12. dreamer20

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    haribobo your suggestion was a very irrational one. wonderwhy1, and you, should respect the fact that it is possible to abide with attractive persons, being sexually off limits to you, without being cold and distant toward them. It would be healthier for you to be warm, loving and possibly flirt with said persons, than to display immaturity, jealousy and bitterness upon learning they are engaged with others.

    wonderwhy1's roommate has been a friend to him and sensibly suggested that he find some willing gay person to fool around with. It's now time for wonderwhy1 to courageously take that step and explode his false "straight for the world" facade.
     
  13. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    Wonderwhy1, what a nice guy you are. There’s no way I’m wrong. No one who is not a terrific guy could have written that original post.

    It’s going to work out. I don’t know if you are “coming out” as someone who will identify as gay or if this is just gone to be an incidental part of the spectrum of your sexuality. Probably not, because you'd have felt it in other ways sooner. Regardless, I’m confident you’ll be comfortable in you own skin however it plays. Don’t decide you are gay just because you’ve developed this attraction to one dude, but if things develop that way, you’ll be fine.

    As to your roomie, I’m guessing he’s not going to respond. Shucks! We guys are guys and as often as not, we act pretty quickly or don't act. Just saying. But who knows, maybe he'll go through a lull and give it a try.

    It sounds as if he’s being a really good friend, that's good, and is comfortable with your being attracted to him.

    In time, you’re going to decide whether you want to move out or not. You needn't rush it. If you develop strong feelings and it makes you feel badly, there may come a time when you will make that decision. So long as the two of you are comfortable together, I don’t think you need to do it until you’ll comfortable moving on.
     
    #13 Chase1600, Sep 21, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  14. helgaleena

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    For goodness sake, try to fill your mind and attention with other people! Having a crush on a roommate is the pits, whether you are a girl or a guy. It might take moving out if you can't stand it or are not able to distance yourself. I've been there too.
     
  15. 0zguy

    0zguy New Member

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    How ironic it is that the guy interested only in the physical winds up in love, for that is what this crush is. We always want what we can't have.

    Don't do that. People like this guy don't come along very often, and they deserve to be treated with principle. You'd always ask yourself "What if ..." anyway. In a few months he may no longer be going out with her, or you may have gotten over him a bit.

    Otherwise, I agree with onewatcher and chase1600.
     
    #15 0zguy, Sep 21, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2010
  16. emointhevalley

    emointhevalley New Member

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    Your post could have easily been written by me two years ago when I fell in love with my classmate/best friend . I confessed what I was feeling and all he said was sorry I'm not gay and our friendship went on perfect until he got a girlfriend. The jealousy and rage I felt when I thought of these two together was unimaginable, for my sanity I pushed him away and I regret it now. We still have a good friendship but I long for the year and a half we could have had more time together , even if was still with his chick. Now we both graduated college and not sure when I'll see him next. You need some good friends and plenty of hugs
    :hug:
     
  17. sdbg

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    Wonderwhy: I feel for you. I've been there, too, and have the battle scars to prove it. Do what you can to keep the friendship. It will have better long term effects than cutting the guy off and mourning the loss as you get older. There is an aspect of falling in love with yourself when you fall in love with someone. It's like a part of us that is usually dormant comes alive, and we feel like we have never felt before. I love that feeling! Back in the '90s, I fell for a butch, homophobic rugby player that I worked with. We became close really quickly, partied together after work often, and in a short time, I knew that I was in love with him. I kept it under wraps as he made anti-gay comments and I knew that he wasn't receptive to experimenting, yet he would hug me and make me melt. He would put his arm around me often and run his hand over my buzzed head playing around. I wonder if he know how much he turned me on? We worked out together, and I loved every moment that I spent with him. On one hand, it was great to be in love after years of wondering if it would ever happen again. I felt like I was 25 all over again. The downside was that I was really sad that I couldn't share sexual intimacy with him. The chemistry between us was overwhelming. My other friends knew that I was suffering from heartache and couldn't help me. I went for counseling. He moved away and the out of sight out of mind thing came into play, and I continued on with college and graduated. 15 years later, I saw Brokeback Mountain and thought of him. Days later, he called me at work one day out of the blue and asked me to come and visit him. He had known that I liked him, but had no idea how far it went. I wanted to clear the air with him and not take it to the grave unsaid, so I booked a flight. One afternoon in his back yard, we were drinking wine and I spilled the beans on what I was experiencing back when he lived in San Diego. I made it very clear that I was not hitting on him, only to let him know how important he was to me back then, how he influenced me to raise the bar with my fitness, and overall how he affected me in a positive way. We had a good 5 day visit, and I thought everything was fine. 2 weeks after I returned home, I got the "Dear John" e-mail where he informed me that he no longer wanted to hear from me. Harsh! In the end, I'm glad that I opened up to him and got it off my chest, but there was a price to pay for that heart-to-heart honesty. It's been 4 years and I'm over it now. You'll be fine, yet you have to be patient with yourself as you work through it. Have a support system. Keep busy with work, school, exercising, etc. If you have friends that you can confide in, it can help you to talk about it. If that's not an option, you can PM me if you want to talk about it. Don't cut him off. Do what you can to keep the friendship and you'll be happy later that you did. Best of luck to you.
     
  18. exwhyzee

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    I appreciate everyone's perspective and advice for wonder. My reaction is to cut the guy out of his life and start fresh...but I've been around long enough to know that I'm not always right. How can wonderwhy1 learn to cope with this guy...live with him every day as his roommate...while he works to diminish his intense romantic feelings for him...in the context of watching this guy fall in love with his girlfriend, while keeping his sanity and mental health (and heart) intact?
     
  19. Bw51102

    Bw51102 Member

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    This is a natural part of college and being young. Nothing you have done is wrong. Might be the first time you feel this way, but I suspect it wont be the last. So don't sweat it. Try and normalize this friendship and try and find someone else to try things out with. LPSG is certainly a perfect resource...
     
  20. DavidXL

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    Wonderwhy, I sooo identified with your post. I'm one of those people who is attracted to people on a person-by-person basis without a lot of regard to their gender. I've had painful crushes on both men and women. I had a huge crush on my best friend junior year of high school. I remember so clearly the afternoon I was leaving school late in the afternoon and happened to see him lying on the grass in the quad after school, lost in passion and spread across his new girlfriend, making out. It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest, and I felt physically weak for the rest of the day. It was so confusing to me. He and I had kind of a flirty relationship, and I guess I had always held out some hope that something would happen between he and I. I got over the pain of the crush in a couple of weeks and was happy to have such a close friendship with him, even if it never went further than that.

    Don't be too quick to move out. He sounds like a great guy, someone that anyone would be lucky to have as "just" a friend. I agree with others that if it becomes too painful, maybe moving out and moving on would be best. But, I'd give it at least a few months.

    Good luck, whatever you decide.
     
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