Hi everybody. I felt like sharing the story could help me get things sorted out in my head.
I consider myself straight although I've always known that I was slightly curious. It's a bit complicated, coz I never thought of guys like a relationship material or somebody I could date or fall in love, but it was mostly sexual curiosity. I'd secretly compare guys in the locker room, sometimes even masturbate thinking of guys. This fascination also had it's limits. It never went beyond thinking of masturbating together with another guy while watching porn. Maybe even a mutual jerk off, but not more than that.
Aside from that, girls turn me on and up until a year ago I had a fairly active sex life. My curiosity was never an issue for me or a source of confusion. Apart from couple of situations with friends from high school when he'd get together and jerk off to a porn (happened once or twice), I've never had any experience with another guy, it always stayed in my head, and I never had a need to explore this further.
So, what happened?
A year ago, I moved in with my present roommate because we decided to study together in another city. I knew him for two years before that and I'm sure he's straight. We became very good friends, even too good I'd say to the point where we would sometimes actually finish each other sentences. Sometimes, when the topic of gays would come along, he'd seem a bit too tolerant and on ocassion even he'd openly discuss blowjobs and anal sex between guys. Also, sometimes as a joke, he'd act feminine and actually be pretty good at it. There is nothing wrong about being tolerant and accepting differences, but with him something was off. Since we were getting along so well, I started thinking he might also be curious. I am also straight for the world, I am also very tolerant, I have gay friends, I'd go to gay bars where I'd actually pick up girls and I never thought of gays in a bad or a derogatory way. With myself, I never figured out whether my tolerance stems from my mentality or from the fact that I am curious about guys. So I figured, what if he is thinking the same?
Close as we are, we openly discussed sex, masturbation, tendences and preferences for girls, but it never came to the point where we'd put on a porn, whip it out and jerk off together. I always thought it was a miscommunication issue - I would not bring it up and so he wouldn't either. So the time was passing and I didn't even think about it anymore.
But, since this year, it has been so hectic with school that I barely had time to date. And also, when I'd go out, I was not in the mood to go through the entire meeting process just to get a girl in bed. I was looking for THE THING, a steady relationship. Before even blinking, a year has gone by and I was still single. I wasn't really worried, coz I was doing ok single and on my own. No stress, no obligations, no drama. I knew that the right girl would come sooner or later.
My roommate on the other hand had been dating this girl for 3 years and just recently decided to break up. Honestly I was relieved coz I always thought that he had been holding him down, controlling his life way too much and sometimes it was really annoying to see how pussy whipped he was. So I thought, great, finally it's gonna be to two single 20-something guys, going around, picking up girls, succeeding, failing... living a life. Also, for some reason I thought, maybe we'd finally get the comfort zone higher, walk around naked around the house, jerk off in front of each other, bullshit around etc. But, very soon after, he met this girl who also went through a break up and it seemed a typical rebound for both of them. I was not concerned, it didn't seem serious and she wasn't even from the same city.
So one evening, after a night of binge drinking, I finally decided to tell him about my curiosity. He was the first person ever to whom I openly admitted that. Not surprisingly, he said he doesn't believe in people being 100% gay or 100% straight and that given the circumstances and although it never happened before, he doesn't see why he couldn't fall for a guy. He said he falls in love with people and not sexes. Ok, to me that was even more than I was expecting, since my attraction to guys is less emotional and more physical. Ok, the conversation went on, and at the point we were so wasted that we just decided to call it a night. Before going to sleep I hinted that if he ever wanted to experiment, that I am here and he replied that if I could turn him on the way this girl he met can, why not... It stayed there...
Couple of weeks later, I realized that he's getting serious with this girl... And that's when my problem started. I felt something, I have never felt for any guy before... jealousy... It manifested as strong anxiety every time I would see them or think about them together. I realized that my "gayness" just stepped up a notch. It could be that I am in love with him, or it could be just my fixation since I've met a guy who's apparently similar to me and I needed to see how far can this go. In any case, the anxiety just won't go away.
He saw something was wrong... I was becoming more distant and cold and when he'd ask me what was wrong I'd blame it on various stuff... school, this, that, whatever... but I was definitely not the same to him anymore...
Then I realized that by drifting apart I was behaving in a weird, and to him inexplicable way. So I decided to confess once again what's wrong with me.... I told him that I have issues coping with him getting together with this girl and that he was the reason. I told him I was hoping I could explore this curiosity with him. He replied that he was flattered but that he couldn't help me... So, after yet another long conversation, where I openly asked him if he would be comfortable being naked in front of me or jerking off with me, he said no. But to him, he said, that did not depend on sex and that he would be equally uncomfortable jerking off together with a female friend. So, this was kind of strange since couple of nights before he said something different. He said most he could help me was to go out one night to a gay bar and be my wingman. I told him that this was not what I wanted because I knew some of those places and if I really wanted to fool around, I would have done it long time ago. In the end I concluded that we are definitely in different places concerning this issue and even though he might be curious, he's definitely not ready to experiment.
Furthermore, since I know him, and I know how he works, it seemed to me that he could also have been overly empathic towards me and tried to make me feel more comfortable in this situation and that I mistook this empathy for an invitation. I have seen him doing that before to other people, and people like his empathy, but sometimes pretending to understand somebody or convincing himself that he understands somebody can lead to a disaster. These were my final words to him and I told him that I needed time to sort things in my head, that he shouldn't be surprised if I act strange, cold and distant and that I hope it would not come to that but that we could very well stop being friends after this. This is one of my old issues I'm working on, I tend to cut off people fairly easily.
In his situation, I will try my best not to do it, but the main reason why I decided to have that chat with him - to ease my anxiety, did not solve anything... I still wake up and go to sleep with a terrible gut feeling and I feel it especially when I hear him cheerfully talking to his now new gf on the phone. The worst thing is that I still somewhere deep down hope that he would come around, and I am afraid that I will cut him off especially because at this point I don't see how things can go back to where they were unless he doesn't.
I consider myself straight although I've always known that I was slightly curious. It's a bit complicated, coz I never thought of guys like a relationship material or somebody I could date or fall in love, but it was mostly sexual curiosity. I'd secretly compare guys in the locker room, sometimes even masturbate thinking of guys. This fascination also had it's limits. It never went beyond thinking of masturbating together with another guy while watching porn. Maybe even a mutual jerk off, but not more than that.
Aside from that, girls turn me on and up until a year ago I had a fairly active sex life. My curiosity was never an issue for me or a source of confusion. Apart from couple of situations with friends from high school when he'd get together and jerk off to a porn (happened once or twice), I've never had any experience with another guy, it always stayed in my head, and I never had a need to explore this further.
So, what happened?
A year ago, I moved in with my present roommate because we decided to study together in another city. I knew him for two years before that and I'm sure he's straight. We became very good friends, even too good I'd say to the point where we would sometimes actually finish each other sentences. Sometimes, when the topic of gays would come along, he'd seem a bit too tolerant and on ocassion even he'd openly discuss blowjobs and anal sex between guys. Also, sometimes as a joke, he'd act feminine and actually be pretty good at it. There is nothing wrong about being tolerant and accepting differences, but with him something was off. Since we were getting along so well, I started thinking he might also be curious. I am also straight for the world, I am also very tolerant, I have gay friends, I'd go to gay bars where I'd actually pick up girls and I never thought of gays in a bad or a derogatory way. With myself, I never figured out whether my tolerance stems from my mentality or from the fact that I am curious about guys. So I figured, what if he is thinking the same?
Close as we are, we openly discussed sex, masturbation, tendences and preferences for girls, but it never came to the point where we'd put on a porn, whip it out and jerk off together. I always thought it was a miscommunication issue - I would not bring it up and so he wouldn't either. So the time was passing and I didn't even think about it anymore.
But, since this year, it has been so hectic with school that I barely had time to date. And also, when I'd go out, I was not in the mood to go through the entire meeting process just to get a girl in bed. I was looking for THE THING, a steady relationship. Before even blinking, a year has gone by and I was still single. I wasn't really worried, coz I was doing ok single and on my own. No stress, no obligations, no drama. I knew that the right girl would come sooner or later.
My roommate on the other hand had been dating this girl for 3 years and just recently decided to break up. Honestly I was relieved coz I always thought that he had been holding him down, controlling his life way too much and sometimes it was really annoying to see how pussy whipped he was. So I thought, great, finally it's gonna be to two single 20-something guys, going around, picking up girls, succeeding, failing... living a life. Also, for some reason I thought, maybe we'd finally get the comfort zone higher, walk around naked around the house, jerk off in front of each other, bullshit around etc. But, very soon after, he met this girl who also went through a break up and it seemed a typical rebound for both of them. I was not concerned, it didn't seem serious and she wasn't even from the same city.
So one evening, after a night of binge drinking, I finally decided to tell him about my curiosity. He was the first person ever to whom I openly admitted that. Not surprisingly, he said he doesn't believe in people being 100% gay or 100% straight and that given the circumstances and although it never happened before, he doesn't see why he couldn't fall for a guy. He said he falls in love with people and not sexes. Ok, to me that was even more than I was expecting, since my attraction to guys is less emotional and more physical. Ok, the conversation went on, and at the point we were so wasted that we just decided to call it a night. Before going to sleep I hinted that if he ever wanted to experiment, that I am here and he replied that if I could turn him on the way this girl he met can, why not... It stayed there...
Couple of weeks later, I realized that he's getting serious with this girl... And that's when my problem started. I felt something, I have never felt for any guy before... jealousy... It manifested as strong anxiety every time I would see them or think about them together. I realized that my "gayness" just stepped up a notch. It could be that I am in love with him, or it could be just my fixation since I've met a guy who's apparently similar to me and I needed to see how far can this go. In any case, the anxiety just won't go away.
He saw something was wrong... I was becoming more distant and cold and when he'd ask me what was wrong I'd blame it on various stuff... school, this, that, whatever... but I was definitely not the same to him anymore...
Then I realized that by drifting apart I was behaving in a weird, and to him inexplicable way. So I decided to confess once again what's wrong with me.... I told him that I have issues coping with him getting together with this girl and that he was the reason. I told him I was hoping I could explore this curiosity with him. He replied that he was flattered but that he couldn't help me... So, after yet another long conversation, where I openly asked him if he would be comfortable being naked in front of me or jerking off with me, he said no. But to him, he said, that did not depend on sex and that he would be equally uncomfortable jerking off together with a female friend. So, this was kind of strange since couple of nights before he said something different. He said most he could help me was to go out one night to a gay bar and be my wingman. I told him that this was not what I wanted because I knew some of those places and if I really wanted to fool around, I would have done it long time ago. In the end I concluded that we are definitely in different places concerning this issue and even though he might be curious, he's definitely not ready to experiment.
Furthermore, since I know him, and I know how he works, it seemed to me that he could also have been overly empathic towards me and tried to make me feel more comfortable in this situation and that I mistook this empathy for an invitation. I have seen him doing that before to other people, and people like his empathy, but sometimes pretending to understand somebody or convincing himself that he understands somebody can lead to a disaster. These were my final words to him and I told him that I needed time to sort things in my head, that he shouldn't be surprised if I act strange, cold and distant and that I hope it would not come to that but that we could very well stop being friends after this. This is one of my old issues I'm working on, I tend to cut off people fairly easily.
In his situation, I will try my best not to do it, but the main reason why I decided to have that chat with him - to ease my anxiety, did not solve anything... I still wake up and go to sleep with a terrible gut feeling and I feel it especially when I hear him cheerfully talking to his now new gf on the phone. The worst thing is that I still somewhere deep down hope that he would come around, and I am afraid that I will cut him off especially because at this point I don't see how things can go back to where they were unless he doesn't.
