Rules of the Bath Houses!

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by HellsKitchenmanNYC, Jan 15, 2009.

  1. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    Found this online recently and thot you'd get a chuckle!
    ----


    RULES OF THE BATHS

    Keep these handy and hilarious tips in mind next time you're at the tubs.


    People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing
    jockstraps. Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis.

    You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool.

    It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers
    while under water.

    Saying "I'm resting" to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats
    the purpose of going to the baths.

    If everyone who said "I don't come here often" was telling the truth,
    there would be no one there.

    Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind
    one of electric pencil sharpeners.

    Conversations in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts,
    groans, notices that "I'm coming," and invitations to do it in a room
    instead are acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite
    lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of
    cockrings are not.

    If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred
    spirit, you are in the wrong place.

    Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new
    drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers.
    It is better to look good than to see good.

    Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck
    your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the Great
    Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be
    returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that's the way it works.

    Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have
    legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside
    the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not
    make you popular.

    If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand
    that many people would find it a capital offense.

    Finish what you start.

    If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a
    bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table before entering be
    certain you know the purpose of all three items.

    When it's past the wrist is not the time to say "no".

    It's okay to bring your own rope; it's not okay to tie yourself up.

    Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy
    your reputation nor greatly enhance it.

    If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don't make a
    scene should you discover him there.

    If you are at the baths and you see your father there, tell him your
    resting.

    If you are at the baths and you see your boss there, it is best not to
    blackmail him. Just do whatever he says. Trust me Virginia, you'll be
    rewarded on your next bonus or salary increase.

    If you are at the baths and you see your brother there, head for the
    darkest corner - especially if you have all straight porn at home.

    If you are at the baths and you see your Uncle, you might as well just
    leave - you know how much Uncles fuck you over.

    People who say, "I've never done that before," should be informed that
    the ability to deep throat is not genetic.

    Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from
    again.

    The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive
    the longer you are there.

    In the dark all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six
    inches.

    Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically
    proficient, but men with big dicks don't have to know a damn thing.

    Doing it for England is as valid a reason for doing it as any.

    A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for "no" in its language.
    Natives deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, "I'd like to,
    but I just came."

    After you've been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never
    again convince anyone with your coy routine.

    Asking to borrow someone's cockring is even more tasteless than asking
    to borrow someone's comb.

    Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker
    number to the front desk you will inevitably be in a position impossible
    to get out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself.

    You can cause a panic by yelling, "There's a man in room 379!"

    For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs.
    It is truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you
    are the only one there in a solid state.

    Giggling is not a correct response to, "Wanna fuck?"

    If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the
    "rest section", you did not have a good time.

    It is pointless to consider why guys who won't even talk to you at the
    bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.

    Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two
    "an item."
    More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible
    to commit bigamy.

    For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with
    someone you already know.

    No one ever believes the line, "We're really not lovers."

    At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator
    sport. (Hmm..Olympics here we come)

    Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane
    waste of time.

    Never, NEVER, NEVER try to explain the baths to heterosexuals.

    Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.

    George's law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for
    your benefit, not theirs.

    Formal attire means a black jockstrap.

    Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.

    You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.

    Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using
    poppers. A man in New Jersey claims to do it all the time.

    And those are the Rules Of The Baths. Use them wisely and pass the
    knowledge along to those newcomers who may need it.
     
  2. MickeyLee

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    *printing laminated copies of the rules, will feature them in next year's Xmas cards*

    the world is unfair because lesbians are rarely down for this type of thang. and hetero spaces are just creepy. :frown1:

    ML
     
  3. bearonwry

    bearonwry New Member

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    When I was in college I was house-sitting at my theatre professors house, he had a book that I stayed up all night reading.I do not remember it's title but it had a chapter on bathhouse etiquette. I was dealing with being gay at the time and had no idea what a bathhouse was. But I found it very intriguing. That professor taught me a lot with out even being there
     
  4. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    The#1 rule of the bath house is the heat should always be on HIGH. Avoid shrinkage! :D
     
  5. MickeyLee

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    *snicker* oh the weather outside is frightful.. but the bathhouse is so delightful... when the lights are turned way down low... let it grow.. let it grow.. let it grow..

    ml
     
  6. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    lololol. Good one!
     
  7. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    Another rule I think they left out:
    Don't eat any M&m's you find in the cubicles!
     
  8. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Is it the 80's again already?
     
  9. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    If you don't learn from history, you are doomed to repeat it.
     
  10. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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  11. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    I read my history and I always got A's; hence the condom-with -a-tassel on my head in my graduation pic.
     
  12. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    I thot that was a lobster on your piano...! DOH!
     
  13. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    Another bathouse rule: Just because it's y'r birthday and you're in a bathouse doesn't mean you should pick up a 'balloon' and try to blow it up.
     
  14. SpeedoMike

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    I needed those when I first visited the WaterGarden. When I saw Chicken Sunday advertised, I assumed it was a KFC buffet. :34:
     
  15. HellsKitchenmanNYC

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    I'm in cubicle 106. Cum see me boys. lol!
     
  16. Pitbull

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    Quite funny :biggrin1::biggrin1::biggrin1:
     
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