Hi Guys,
At 54 years old, I just came out to family and friends a few months ago. I've known I'm gay since forever, but never really embraced it. Until now.
OK, so this is going to be a pretty long post, but thank you if you can plow through it!
What brought me out? A random bartender MUCH younger than I. I have the biggest crush on him! I am just so drawn to him. I've never felt such intense feelings in my life.
I found out he's gay, and I think, single. So I've been going to his bar and trying to be friendly and chat him up a little.
I finally got up my nerve to see if he'd like to chat outside of the bar.
The first time, after hearing he'd just come back from Hawaii, I suggested we grab a coffee after his shift (he was almost off) so he could tell me more about it. He told me, "I think I have to work a double shift today". So, I left nonchalantly. (Inside, of course, I was very upset).
The second time I tried to "ask him out", it was an awkward mess. On this particular day, I'd come in to get a beer, and, after he served me, he and his manager huddled in a corner and were obviously talking about something very discreetly. My crush disappeared and the manager told me he'd sent him to lunch. Hmm. That made me feel funny.
But, I figured I'd just wait it out and after he comes back from lunch, I'll try asking him out again. In the meantime, I'd had a couple of Moscow Mules, and was feeling rather out of it. When my crush FINALLY returned, I called him over. I asked him, "hey, you know why I'm always coming here, right?" Oh my. Probably not a good line, but like I say, I wasn't thinking straight at all. He very innocently answers, "oh, because it's cheaper here?" At this point, I'm half-drunk and revved up on adrenaline and I just start babbling and I can't really remember what I said. But it was something along the lines of "I wondered if you'd like to go get a drink with me later because I feel like you're someone I could really relate to and talk with..."
At the same time, I felt like I was putting him on the spot and so I felt very guilty and like I was embarrassing him (and myself), so I started apologizing and sort of "back-peddling". I also threw in something like, "oh, but you're probably already attached, aren't you?" (to give him an "out"). This is when things got really confusing. He smiled coyly and said, "not really". I asked him why not (trying to compliment him) and he said something about "because SHE works here..." What does THAT mean?
I keep apologizing and telling him I'm sorry if I'm making him feel awkward, and he very graciously tells me, "oh, you're fine..." And so the conversation just fizzled out and he went about running around and tending bar and keeping very busy while I'm just sitting there feeling weird and embarrassed.
After this fiasco, I stay away for close to a month's time before going back to the bar. So far, I've been able to control myself, not have too much to drink, and remain casual and "chill". I want to show my crush that I'm OK and not going to try anything stupid again. It's like I want to redeem myself. So far, I've been able to go back a couple more times, and things have been relaxed and non-eventful.
The last time I went in to the bar, the manager approached me and said something like "hey, behave yourself" or "be good". I couldn't tell if he was just giving me a hard time, because it was sort of said in a semi-joking way, but also there was a serious tone to it, as well. I feel like he was advising me to be cool and not "mess" with my crush again. So, I'm pretty sure my crush must have talked with his manager about "that weird guy that keeps coming in here and coming on to me". Well, at least that's what I'm imagining. Maybe I'm just overreacting and it's not a big deal. But I wonder.
OK, so now I'm in this "cold war" phase. I want to give my crush space and not make him feel uncomfortable. But I am still DYING to get to know him outside of his workplace.
The really interesting thing is, I've had crushes (with way less intensity) on lots of other guys. But this bartender guy is a different deal. What I mean is that I don't feel so much lust towards him, as I just feel drawn to him in a more emotional way. I am attracted to him physically, yes, but it goes way beyond that. I feel so attracted to his personality. It's a feeling of wanting to get to know the person and truly be a friend. He has this boyish quality and a particular sadness behind his big soulful eyes.
So -- at this point, I've realized and accepted that he is not interested in "dating" me. I can understand that and I'm OK with that, I think. But can't we still be friends? Get to know each other platonically? Help each other as fellow gay guys and share ideas and thoughts?
I feel like I've blown it because I've come on to him and made him feel like I'm after him romantically. Is it possible now to change gears and ask him to be "just friends"? I'll be honest, the thought did occur to me that even if we became "just friends", I am not going to deny that I'm holding out some hope that we might become "more than friends". But truly, I'd be so happy to be "just friends".
My conundrum now is how to ask him out on a "non-date".
I feel like I want to explain myself, but it's so hard at the bar because he's so busy and of course there are other people (co-workers and customers) around, so I don't want to embarrass him (especially if he's not "out" to everyone there).
I've thought of slipping him a note, but that seems like it might scare him off too.
One of my gay friends suggested I ask him for his number. But that seems way too forward!
The other advice I've had is to just keep going to the bar and remain casual and chill and chat to him about this and that -- but not try to ask him out. Just to go with the flow and let it come up naturally sometime when we discover perhaps a common interests (for example, "hey, you like bowling too? wanna go try that new place?"
UGH. I'm such a newbie and have so little experience. Thank you for reading this saga and for any feedback you may have.
Gratefully,
David
At 54 years old, I just came out to family and friends a few months ago. I've known I'm gay since forever, but never really embraced it. Until now.
OK, so this is going to be a pretty long post, but thank you if you can plow through it!
What brought me out? A random bartender MUCH younger than I. I have the biggest crush on him! I am just so drawn to him. I've never felt such intense feelings in my life.
I found out he's gay, and I think, single. So I've been going to his bar and trying to be friendly and chat him up a little.
I finally got up my nerve to see if he'd like to chat outside of the bar.
The first time, after hearing he'd just come back from Hawaii, I suggested we grab a coffee after his shift (he was almost off) so he could tell me more about it. He told me, "I think I have to work a double shift today". So, I left nonchalantly. (Inside, of course, I was very upset).
The second time I tried to "ask him out", it was an awkward mess. On this particular day, I'd come in to get a beer, and, after he served me, he and his manager huddled in a corner and were obviously talking about something very discreetly. My crush disappeared and the manager told me he'd sent him to lunch. Hmm. That made me feel funny.
But, I figured I'd just wait it out and after he comes back from lunch, I'll try asking him out again. In the meantime, I'd had a couple of Moscow Mules, and was feeling rather out of it. When my crush FINALLY returned, I called him over. I asked him, "hey, you know why I'm always coming here, right?" Oh my. Probably not a good line, but like I say, I wasn't thinking straight at all. He very innocently answers, "oh, because it's cheaper here?" At this point, I'm half-drunk and revved up on adrenaline and I just start babbling and I can't really remember what I said. But it was something along the lines of "I wondered if you'd like to go get a drink with me later because I feel like you're someone I could really relate to and talk with..."
At the same time, I felt like I was putting him on the spot and so I felt very guilty and like I was embarrassing him (and myself), so I started apologizing and sort of "back-peddling". I also threw in something like, "oh, but you're probably already attached, aren't you?" (to give him an "out"). This is when things got really confusing. He smiled coyly and said, "not really". I asked him why not (trying to compliment him) and he said something about "because SHE works here..." What does THAT mean?
I keep apologizing and telling him I'm sorry if I'm making him feel awkward, and he very graciously tells me, "oh, you're fine..." And so the conversation just fizzled out and he went about running around and tending bar and keeping very busy while I'm just sitting there feeling weird and embarrassed.
After this fiasco, I stay away for close to a month's time before going back to the bar. So far, I've been able to control myself, not have too much to drink, and remain casual and "chill". I want to show my crush that I'm OK and not going to try anything stupid again. It's like I want to redeem myself. So far, I've been able to go back a couple more times, and things have been relaxed and non-eventful.
The last time I went in to the bar, the manager approached me and said something like "hey, behave yourself" or "be good". I couldn't tell if he was just giving me a hard time, because it was sort of said in a semi-joking way, but also there was a serious tone to it, as well. I feel like he was advising me to be cool and not "mess" with my crush again. So, I'm pretty sure my crush must have talked with his manager about "that weird guy that keeps coming in here and coming on to me". Well, at least that's what I'm imagining. Maybe I'm just overreacting and it's not a big deal. But I wonder.
OK, so now I'm in this "cold war" phase. I want to give my crush space and not make him feel uncomfortable. But I am still DYING to get to know him outside of his workplace.
The really interesting thing is, I've had crushes (with way less intensity) on lots of other guys. But this bartender guy is a different deal. What I mean is that I don't feel so much lust towards him, as I just feel drawn to him in a more emotional way. I am attracted to him physically, yes, but it goes way beyond that. I feel so attracted to his personality. It's a feeling of wanting to get to know the person and truly be a friend. He has this boyish quality and a particular sadness behind his big soulful eyes.
So -- at this point, I've realized and accepted that he is not interested in "dating" me. I can understand that and I'm OK with that, I think. But can't we still be friends? Get to know each other platonically? Help each other as fellow gay guys and share ideas and thoughts?
I feel like I've blown it because I've come on to him and made him feel like I'm after him romantically. Is it possible now to change gears and ask him to be "just friends"? I'll be honest, the thought did occur to me that even if we became "just friends", I am not going to deny that I'm holding out some hope that we might become "more than friends". But truly, I'd be so happy to be "just friends".
My conundrum now is how to ask him out on a "non-date".
I feel like I want to explain myself, but it's so hard at the bar because he's so busy and of course there are other people (co-workers and customers) around, so I don't want to embarrass him (especially if he's not "out" to everyone there).
I've thought of slipping him a note, but that seems like it might scare him off too.
One of my gay friends suggested I ask him for his number. But that seems way too forward!
The other advice I've had is to just keep going to the bar and remain casual and chill and chat to him about this and that -- but not try to ask him out. Just to go with the flow and let it come up naturally sometime when we discover perhaps a common interests (for example, "hey, you like bowling too? wanna go try that new place?"
UGH. I'm such a newbie and have so little experience. Thank you for reading this saga and for any feedback you may have.
Gratefully,
David
